Who Wants More Cake?

Hi Sasha,

I recently began following your blog and love it! You seem to really know women, so I’m hoping you can guide me in the best direction.

I’ve been in a relationship with my…I hesitate to say this, girlfriend, since we were in high school  It was flaming hot the first 2 years, but when we moved in together for college, we stopped being intimate. Now in my early twenties, I feel like I’ve been missing out. We still cuddle and peck kiss, but I’m not satisfied with this. I want to get out and see other people, but at the same time I don’t want to risk this wonderful relationship I have with her. We’ve grown up together, and she’s been there for me when no one else has. This is tough! We live together, and only have each other. I feel so selfish, but I need your insight on how to pursue other women. I want to have my cake and eat it too! I love her more than anyone. She’s so patient with me, and understands me like no one else. I need her in my life, and she needs me too, but I need some lovin’ and, sadly, I don’t want it, nor do I think I can get it with my current girl. Umm, any insight. I have no one to talk to!

Thank you,

Cake & eat it too

Dear Cake and Eat it Too,

I feel you on this one. I’ve been in a very similar position to you before. It’s natural for you to want to explore and see what else is out there but you don’t want to hurt your gf. There’s also that fear of losing what might be the best thing you ever find. I call this sort of thing the right girl at the wrong time.

You’re not a horrible person for wanting to experience what it’s like with other girls. Temptation is a part of life. It’s how you deal with it that determines what kind of person you’re going to be.

First things first. It sounds like what you two have is worth trying to salvage. Have you been brutally honest with her about what you feel you need? This is never an easy conversation but it’s one that needs to be had and it’s one she deserves before you go off and do some irreparable damage to your relationship. Sit down and have a frank, honest conversation about how you feel over the loss of intimacy with her. Tell her how much you miss it and need it back in your lives.

Sounds like you’ve fallen victim to dreaded, lesbian bed death. It happens when two lesbians move in together and get so co-dependent and nesty that they lose the fire and romance and become more like family and less like lovers. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. You two can reignite the passion if you’re both willing to try. Talk about spicing things up a bit! Maybe have a date night once a week and pretend like you don’t live together. Pretend that you can’t go back to either one of your places, so you’ll have to have sex in some new, exciting place. Like the car, or the beach. Or up against a wall in the back of a dark club. Think back to when it was hot and heavy and do those same things again or come up with new, even more exciting ideas!

OK, now say you two try to bring the passion back but it doesn’t work? You still feel the need to explore outside of your relationship? Then this is when it’s going to suck because if you love her, you have to be honest. You have to tell her that you want to see other people and let her decide if she’s going to stay while you explore your options, if she’s going to do the same, or if she’s going to totally bounce. Once you tell her what YOU need, it’s then her turn to decide what SHE needs.

If this girl is important to you and it sounds like she is, then be honest. Don’t fuck her over by cheating on her behind her back. It sounds like she deserves better then that. Plus, this way you two stand a good chance of remaining awesome friends and even if you do break up for now, you might end up back together down the road. But you will ruin that chance  of reuniting if you break her heart by betraying her trust.

I wish you luck.

xoxo

Sasha

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