Virgin Lesbians
I was having this interesting conversation with a girl I just met. She’s about twenty-seven, pretty and identifies as an out lesbian. What struck me was that she’s a virgin. A gay virgin. She’s slept with men in the past, but she hasn’t had sex with a woman yet. She dates women, makes out with them, but hasn’t done the deed yet.
Part of me wonders if she’s really gay. Can a girl know for sure that she’s a lesbian if she’s never had sex with a woman before? Maybe she’s just tired of men and is using the lesbian ID as a safe haven till she feels like jumping back into the straight dating pool.
I know it sounds harsh, but I’m just thinking out loud … sort of. I realize that a lot of people realize they’re gay before they’re old enough to have sex and I’m not saying that they have to have sex before they can truly identify as gay. I’m just wondering how many women out there have never slept with another woman, yet know they’re gay? Just talking about adult women here, not adolescents coming to grips with their sexuality.
Are there more virgins out there, just waiting for the right girl? I guess that’s sort of romantic in this day and age of NSA hook-ups.
In my own experience, I fell in love with a girl after 24 years of leading a straight life. But even after I’d had sex with a woman, I still held onto the thought that I was just bi. It took a long time before I realized that I was gay. I know that sounds incredibly naive and self-deluded. I often wonder why it took me so long. Looking back there were a lot of signs, it just never occurred to me.
I did things the other way around. I slept with women, dated them, had relationships with them for years before the proverbial light bulb went off over my head that said, “Maybe I’m gay!”
Geez, looking back at it I laugh when I remember my friend Carrie saying many many times, “Gawd Sasha, you’re so gay.”
Well she was right, I am. But I’m not so sure I would have ever realized it if I hadn’t taken the plunge and actually seen what all the hub bub was about. Virgin lesbians? Huh….
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Once upon a time, I knew a virgin lesbian.
Then one day, she found herself alone with me and a bottle of tequila.
After a few hours of drinking and her telling me how gay she was, she wasn’t a virgin anymore, lol!
The end ;o)
“I often wonder why it took me so long. Looking back there were a lot of signs, it just never occurred to me.”
This was my experience, too.
I think the reason it took ME so long was because I realized I was gay before making out with your best friend at the bar was deemed “hot” or “cool” by frat boys (and the rest of our chauvinistic society – but that’s a whole OTHER blog, now isn’t it?).
So… to each her own, I suppose. Everyone has different situations and circumstances (family, work life, etc.) that determine the rate at which she becomes more and more comfortable saying she’s “Gay,” (perhaps rather than “Bi”).
(Personally, I think calling yourself “Bi” is just a more simple way to “ease into” announcing at some later date that you’re really a Lesbian and the thought of dick just makes you want to vomit in your mouth).
[Or is it just me?].
😉
Personally I don’t think sexuality has anything to do with “sex”. I knew I was gay without having had male penis in me, AND I knew I was gay before having any sexual experience with a woman.
Am I unique?
My sexuality is often questioned (by men) who find out I haven’t sucked penis yet, so why not suck theirs and find out for sure? My response – “Did you (frat boy, drunk mexican, or sleazy bartender) need to suck penis to figure out you’re straight?” They of course immediately shut their traps and say “You’re mean.”
I don’t need to experience something first hand to know if it’s for me, and I certainly don’t believe sexuality is a choice. I do believe certain environments lend to certain outcomes, and while one person may discover their sexuality early, it doesn’t negate those who find it late.
First of all, why couldn’t I have met someone like Alejandra when I was a virgin??
Second, Amber I agree.
… and Maggie, as usual, you’re so right. I love what you say to men, I’m going to have to use that some time.
Hallo there 🙂
So I know this post is months and months old, but I just came across your blog recently and sat down to read it from start to finish. I wanted to drop a line for this post because it struck a chord with me. I have a friend who emphatically states that it’s impossible to say you’re bisexual/lesbian unless you’ve gone ahead and fucked a woman, or to a greater degree, dated her. She was quite adamant about it, and our discussion left me feeling disappointed because I never thought that one’s feelings or attractions would have to be proven before they were accepted.
I agree with what Maggie said, and I’ll just chime in that it really isn’t a choice. We feel what we feel and we want who we want. I’ve been hesitant about identifying as bisexual because let’s face it, it’s not taken seriously a lot of the time. Especially when I’ve never fucked or dated a woman. I’m scared shitless of identifying as part of the LGBT community because I’m afraid people will dismiss me as a curious straight girl. Yeah. Fun.
Well, that was a long comment! I’ll just fuck off now….lol
I’ve been reading this blog for a little while now, but I just came across this old post after Vic commented on it. I also really identify with this. I have known I was gay (or at least attracted to women) forever, like since I was 7, but I had relationships with men, and never had a real relationship with a woman, until I was 23. I was really intimidated by the LGBT community, and I didn’t know how to break into it without seeming to be some straight girl experimenting. (I think part of this is because, try as I might, I don’t look gay enough–or so I feared then.)
My girlfriend now (of 3 years) is still sometimes afraid that just because she’s the only girl I’ve slept with, I might secretly be straight. But I know I was just waiting to find the right girl.
I think that whether you have slept with a woman or not, you know if you are gay (or bisexual). If you are straight and just experimenting, you probably know that too. I have found that the LGBT community is usually a lot more accepting than I feared. Advice to Vic and other gay/bi virgins, just be who you know you are, and welcome the the family, as they say.
She’s not a virgin if she’s jumping in and out of bed with men.
She; however, is probably BI because of her habit of making out with women, but not gay per se.
So, a virgin is gay when she actually starts having sex with the same sex.
But correct me if I am wrong.
Now, if he/she is a female, and starts having sex with women, and her special vaginal spot has not been broken, then she is still a virgin.
However, if he/she is a man, than, I guess, it’s different.
Here I am, day late and dollar short, but I still felt I needed to comment…At 19, I found out I was expecting; the dad and I immediately got married and promptly had a second child. At about 20, I first realized I might be interested in women, which gradually grew, over the years. First I was “bi-curious”, then decided I might be bi, but it wasn’t until many years later, when I fell in love with a female friend of mine that I realized I was gay…no ifs, ands or buts. I’m a lez. Now, keep in mind that I’d never had sex (or anything short of that) with a woman, but, at that point, I knew for certain…it explained SO MUCH. It all fell into place. That was about five years ago, and nothing ever happened with her (but I’ve promised myself that if I ever see her again, I’ll tell her that I was in love with her) and nothing happened with anyone until earlier this year. And the sex only solidified in my mind that I am a lesbian. Thoroughly. No question about it. I am FINALLY living as the person I always knew (whether I admitted it to myself or not) I was. It feels great.
Very interesting post/topic. Hummm I know this is an old post but for those who are new or not so new:) -on CCL for over a year makes me an old timer lol- what do people think/have to say about the interesting questions Sasha addresses in this post? I say we revisit discussion on this post topic/the connections and concepts of this post topic.
It’s an interesting concept “can one really be a lesbian if they’ve never had sex/experiences with another woman”. I never thought about it that way. People consider themselves hetero even before kissing a guy because of society or they actually are hetero. When one has feelings towards another female I think it’s the same thing even if she hasn’t had sex with another woman- considering themselves gay even w/out that experience. I haven’t (blush) with another woman and yeah I still do not consider myself straight. What I find interesting is the large number of women on CCL (including Sasha, myself and MANY others) who have been with men in our “past lives” but came to realize/or always knew etc that our own personal identity etc was actually with other women.
I agree completely with Maggie’s post above.
It’s crass, but my answer to that (beside the standard, so you had to sleep with both sexes to figure yourself out, and now you want to put that on me? To the left!):
I know what makes me wet and tingly, and it’s vagina.
Also, tits. I love tits.
I can appreciate a gorgeous human being, and an attractive personality, but it isn’t going to turn me on as raw purely as a woman does for the simple fact of being a woman.
Wow Elegy THAT is an “I know what I want darn it I!!” answer if I’ve ever heard one. hehe
(Where as my personal reply is OMG I LOVE boobies -hehe/blushing 🙂 I’m SO shy)
LMAO “boobies” it’s late -” tits” (either way you say it-omg I like 🙂 them lots!)
LOL, Jaz! I was thiiiis close to saying “boobies” instead.
Elegy I LOVE both words LOL well not the actual words but what they mean.;)
I’ve been reading some of the blogs & conversations on your site. I just wanna say, i love this!! (“Virgin Lesbians”…i think i know a couple of those). Lol 🙂 Right now, i’m not sure what to say to a good friend of mine. She’s been dating the same guy for about 2 years now, but flirts with me all the time online/on the phone and says she wishes i still lived close by her so we could hang out. She also says that she’s NOT in love with the guy. The problem is, she has said before that she’s attracted to me, and yes, we’ve “had our lil’ moments” before….but she always ends up going back to a guy…usually one who hits her and treats her like crap. I have known her since childhood, and have always cared about her…and i know she cares about me too….she just confuses the heck out of me!!!!! Any suggestions?? Melissa, 36yrs. old, Midway, AR
Melissa- Take it from me (with my two time x, who on CCL I refer to as Crush, coming back to me on her own twice and leaving me twice for guys) if she has left you for a guy, came back to you, left you again for a guy – yeah RUN you do NOT need that. I know this all too well personally. You can and should remain close friends (if that works for you both). Support her whole heartedly as a friend, but don’t keep falling for the “love” part. Good luck. Trust me clean cut to JUST friends is VERY hard but SO important if you ever want to have you heart open to someone else. Someone who will actually want to stay with a woman.
I went through that when I was 16, it’s kind of disappointing if not surprising to read that it isn’t a pattern that goes away with age. I say from my own experience: if she doesn’t feel that she deserves better, and especially given that you’ve been trying to tell her for years (decades?), then there is nothing you can do. She has to teach it to herself. As for you…. You have a few choices: keep at it, no matter what; drop the friendship; keep the friendship, but move on completely (don’t put another woman’s love on hold while you pine for your friend- it’s unfair to do the same thing, especially since you know how it feels); option X- who knows what those could be.
*if not unsurprising
Oh, and if you DO go the just friends route- DO NOT under ANY circumstances allow her to flirt with you! You’ll need to establish tight boundaries, or it just won’t work.
Yeah I agree with Elegy- Melissa NO flirting either way when u decide to be just friends. It’s just too hard. When it was obvious Crush choose the straight road I had a serious talk w her about how she can not say such over the top sexy/flirty things to me. I even helped her find her now boyfriend. NOT because I didnt want to be with her but because even though we did have a “history” together of being more than just friends she always left me for guys and all I wanted was for her to be happy. Melissa hope this all helps you. No one said life is easy unfortunately. OMG I wish it was!!!!
so I know this is a way late comment, but i thought i’d chime in :p i’ve considered myself straight my whole life, I had a pretty traumatic childhood. i could barely concentrate on surviving let alone figuring our myself and my sexuality & i think that repressed what would have naturally come out. i’ve only ever dated men, and truth be told, i haven’t even really dated much. i’ve slept with a total of 4 men, and only really had 2 actual boyfriends. i’ve always kind of looked at girls with more interest than normal, but never been able to really see that it was sexual. even though app people around me did. wtf? fast forward to now, im 23, married to a man, and recently realized i have an attraction to women. like a BIG time attraction. my husband is ok with me exploring my sexuality, and even sleeping with a woman, as long as it doesn’t afect our relationship. but seriously, what woman wants to take on a young, married woman, who is a ‘gay virgin’ when it comes to sleeping with a woman? i don’t consider myself to be a lesbian, but honestly i can’t rule it out. i think that’s why my hus gets wary when i talk about getting out in the lgbt comm. how can i reassure him im not gay if i don’t know? i am afraid to get out in the lgbt comm. as i too am afraid i will be dismissed as a curious straight girl, seeing as i am a femme. i kno i am not jus a cruious straight girl b/c i want to tackle every hot butch/tomboy i see :p there nothing curious about my feelings then. :p