Tips for Femme Invisibility: How To Set Off Their Gaydar
Dear Sasha,
I have a serious problem. I’m ultra feminine looking to the point that I look straight. I have long hair, I wear a full face of makeup every day even if I’m staying home, I have long nails, I wear dresses, you get the idea. My problem is that I feel completely invisible within my own community of lesbians. Which really sucks because I moved to SoCal to be closer to more lesbians. I come from a small town up north and I was the only gay girl in school. So for college I came out to LA. I thought it would be easy to meet girls out here, but it’s not. When I go to places like the Abbey or any other gay bar, I just get ignored by other lesbians or sometimes even treated badly because they assume I’m a ‘straight girl just having a night out with my gay friends’ but I’m the gay friend! I feel like an imposter at gay clubs but I’m not. Do I have to cut my hair and change the way I dress to make lesbians accept me? I’ve read about the butch femme dynamic and I’ve been hoping to find that out here but so far, no luck. All the girls I think are butch haven’t been at all 🙁 What do I do? Is it time to shave my head and get all tatted up? Are there any butches out there that actually want a real femme lesbian?
Please give me some good advice,
Love,
Invisible Girl
Dear Invisible Girl,
Welcome to my world! I started this blog a thousand years ago for this very reason! And like you I struggled to find my place amongst the lesbian tribes of LA. So I’ll share some things I learned along the way.
- Femme’s are always going to be “invisible” in the LGBTQ community to a point, if you’re going to judge people strictly off of appearances. Because there is no way to truly tell someone’s sexual orientation just by looking at them. Of course, some people DO look gay but not everyones that lucky.
So don’t freak out if everyone can’t see your rainbow colored aura with the naked eye within the first five minutes of meeting you.
Use this as an opportunity to up your flirt game and use some non verbal cues to let that sexy, possible lesbian know that you’re into her. I mean, if you want them to know you’re gay, it’s probably because you like them a little. So flirt a little and they still look like they have no idea you’re playing on the same team, look for opportunities to drop hints in the conversation.
One of my favorite ways to feel someone out, who’s dinging my gaydar or who I want to see me on theirs is to mention one of my favorite gay hangouts in conversation and see how they react. If they light up a little and say something like, “Oh yea, I love brunch there on Sundays” then they too are gay AF and are letting you know that they now know or suspect that you are gay and that they want you to know that they are also gay. See how easy that is?
2. Ask yourself a serious question now: “How gay is your instagram?”
I’m serious. If anyone is interested in you, they are going to check you out on social. When that hot chick clicks on your IG page, she will be looking for various tell tell signs of gayness, ie.: rainbow emojis, two girls holding hands emojis, every color of hearts emoji lined up in a rainbow, the gay pride flag emoji, you get the hint. She will also be looking through old pics to see if there are any ex-girlfriends, or ex-boyfriends! She will most definitely be looking for boyfriends as well. Oh and don’t forget the angry lesbian political posts that should be thrown in every 5 to 10 posts just for good measure.
Now, don’t do this if you don’t want the world to know you’re gay of course. But for any femme feeling invisible and wanting to change their super power from invisibility to a full Card Carrying Lesbian, then making sure your social media reflects truthfully, what you’re about and what/who you’re into a little bit, will go a long way.
3. You make the first move. Realize that a lot of other lesbians, will want to know if you’re into girls. But will be too afraid to approach you, especially if they think you’re straight. So if you’re brave enough to at least let them know that you’re gay, it will be like opening the door for them. Walking through it will be on them. But at least you’ve let them know in a subtle way, that you might be down.
However as a femme, if you’re into butches or tomboys or studs, be careful not to be too aggressive. I’ve been told by several butches and tomboys that when I was too aggressive they found it a turn off. They all told me that they wanted me to let them make the real first move.
So my advice here is to be subtle. You can also do this by not flirting too much, by keeping it more platonic at first. Friends go to gay coffee shops together. It doesn’t have to be a date. Get it? Be easy going with it. Nothing freaks a butch out more than an overly aggressive femme. Or so I’ve been told.
4. Last but not least, wear something gay. You don’t have to cut off your hair and get tattoos for people to know you’re gay. A cute gay t-shirt goes a long way. You’re basically wearing a big sign written on your breasts, which can often be a favorite place to read for lesbians. If my jewelry store was open right now, I would send you over there to buy some gay jewelry to wear. It’s a little more subtle but goes with everything, perfect for work. But I haven’t moved all my equipment out of storage yet, so I haven’t reopened, just yet. But there is other gay jewelry out there you can pick up and have fun with.
Overall, femme invisibility sucks. But things could be worse. I’ve had this discussion with my butch friends a ton of times and they have argued with me that I was the lucky one for passing as straight and receiving “straight privilege”.
“Straight privilege” is a real thing. It’s weird and it’s something I want to give up. I don’t like that when I’m holding hands with my girl in public, she’ll be the one to draw the negative looks from haters. I would rather it was directed at me, or even both of us equally. But we have both noticed many times, when people, usually older white men from out of town, will just stare her down as we walk by. Sometime you can tell by the look on their face that they aren’t used to seeing that wherever they’re from. But what I really don’t like about that it knowing that because she looks gay with or without me, she could get that type of attention any time, even if I’m not holding her hand. But I don’t. If I’m out by myself, no one can tell I’m gay just by looking at me, so if I pass by a hundred homophobes that day, I don’t even know it because I didn’t set off their gaydar. I want to, though. Like the reader who wrote in, I want people to look at me and assume I’m gay. But that’s just not going to happen.
What would be even better than solving femme invisibility would be to eradicate all homophobia, so that our brothers and sisters that LOOK gay all the time, could just live their life in peace and safety. And us femmes could just wear a few more gay things now and again to let a butch know once in a while, what’s up.
So for now, use it as a chance to learn how to flirt. I’m serious, start flirting with women you find attractive, even if you aren’t sure if they’re gay or not. Just be subtle, and if all else fails connect on social media, where they’ll be able to see just how gay you really are.
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