Stronger As A Dyke

There’s something wonderful about being in a lesbian relationship. I realize that being with a woman actually makes me stronger. But not just any woman, brings out that inner strength in me. She has to be my equal in every way for that to happen.

When I was in relationships with men, I always felt that I had to be less than I really was in order for them to feel like the “man in the relationship” and even then it never really worked. But the fact that I would have to pretend to be the damsel in distress just to stroke their delicate ego was very harmful to me. I didn’t realize it till it was too late and I had unknowingly become the role I was pretending to be. I guess I was so good at the lie, I started to believe it myself. Before I realized it, years had passed and instead of a thriving career I had nothing left but a relationship that had drained me of everything I had.

I knew as soon as I started dating women that it would be different with girls. It would be so much better for several reasons. The first was that unlike with men, I didn’t have to hide my strengths and the parts of my personality that seemed “too masculine.” Just the opposite actually. In a lesbian relationship, all the things that scared men were a huge turn on to women. The fact that I had degrees up the ying yang, a good mind for business, was an entrepreneur, loved to train in mixed martial arts, never above a good tussle when someone needed a smack down and that a fun Saturday to me, is a day on the range with my glock and shotgun. All of those things that made men go limp at the mere thought, made girls wet …. and I loved that.

A few years ago I had a high powered, high stress job as a gems broker. I made good money, wore tailored suits every day to work, bought a house and was finishing grad school. Every woman I dated was a femme from head to toe. Like we all know, it’s expensive to date a femme, especially when you’re dating several at the same time. But I worked hard so I felt that I deserved to party hard.

I took these women out to the hottest LA spots and I paid for everything. I loved that, because with that came a certain power over the relationship. I knew how men felt when they dated a beautiful woman, I understood the power that comes with being the one who pays for everything.

Most people won’t admit that because they like people to see them as generous and chivalrous. Sure, that’s part of it, but they’re lying if they deny that it’s a turn on to be able to spoil a woman … because part of it is power. The power to make her smile, the power to take her out and show her off, the power to say when and where. The power to make her wet with what you’re able to do for her, outside of the bedroom.

For a while I enjoyed this and I took great pride in the fact. I had beautiful women at my beck and call. But over time I started to realize that they were using me even more then I was using them. I was ok with this for a long time. I felt we all knew what we were there for. But over time it grew tiresome. The “scene” got old. I was tired of spending hundreds of dollars on drinks for a girl that just wanted “to be seen” by others. It’s a bad sign when you’re date only kisses you when there’s an audience.
You have to remember that this was in my early coming out years. It was newly cool to be a lesbian or bi. It was seen as a trendy thing that only the daring and beautiful took part in.

I only dated the daring and the beautiful, which also happened to be women who wanted to be on the front lines of whatever was trendy and hot in LA.

The more secure I became in my lesbian identity, the less appealing these bi-bimbots became. I eventually got sick of them and swore I would never date another model, actress, producer, agent or entertainment lawyer. I was tired of people handing me autographed head shots over dinner on our first date. It was ridiculous.

I dropped out of the dating scene for a while and re-thought my entire life. When I came back out of hiding I had decided to change careers and make some serious life changes.

These changes affected my financial status in a serious way, but you can’t put a price on living your dreams. So I decided that I had made enough money to buy a house and put a little away to start writing full time.

Without the high-pressured career, my nights of spending obscene amounts of money on Hollywood-wanna-be-starlets were long gone. But those days were over because I was smarter now. I knew what I wanted and it wasn’t some girl who’d be gay for pay if it meant getting an audition for the L Word.

Along with all the changes I was making something else interesting happened. My taste in women evolved. Yes, I said evolved. I found myself madly attracted to women who actually looked gay. Tombois, androgynous, butch … all of these were things that would make me stop in my tracks and watch a women walk by.

I ended up in a relationship with a stone butch woman. I fell hard and fast for her. The sex was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Unlike all the bi-curious girls I had been with, she knew what she was doing. On top of that, she wouldn’t let me do anything but lie there and take it. Which at first was hard for me to do, but I got used to it. 😉

But I quickly realized that being with her was as restrictive as being with a man. She definitely wanted me to stay in my place and in that place I wasn’t supposed to be stronger then her, or more capable. She was in charge of everything. The money, sex and even how I dressed. I felt confined and limited. Again I felt like I needed to be less so that she could be more.

No good.

It wasn’t until I met Remi that I realized I could actually be in a relationship and not lose myself. In fact, I could be so much more with her, then I was without her. She’s strong enough to be proud of all the things I do, from the “masculine” hobbies I enjoy to the more feminine side of myself that belly dances and buys too much perfume.

But it’s more then that. She’s also secure enough in herself to let me in when she needs support. There’s nothing more motivating and strength inducing then when someone you love needs you. When someone needs me to be strong for them, I swear I could move a mountain. I know she likes to be the one who takes care of me all the time. But what she doesn’t understand is the huge gift she’s giving me when she lets me be the woman she needs me to be, the woman I know I can be under extreme pressure and time of need.

It’s a gift I think that lesbians give their partners. The chance to rise to the level of whatever challenge and meet it, for their partners, their wives, their girlfriends. Lesbians are in a unique position to not only bring out the best in their partners but to revel in the fact that when one is weak, the other is strong. They’re also able to recognize that those roles are fluid and shift from day to day. Being women, we’re able to reconcile our moments of need, not as weakness per say, but as part of the cycle. Knowing that while our partner is able and willing to take up the slack for us for that time being, we know that the time will also come when she needs to lean on us. When we will be pillar of strength in the relationship, the one that holds her up when she needs it most.

We as women and as lesbians we are in a uniquely, amazing position to be able to benefit from all that it means to be a strong woman and to be with a strong woman. No longer do I ever feel the need to pretend to be less then I am. Or even worse, to become less then I was or could be. Because I have a partner that makes me want to be everything I think she deserves in a girlfriend. I want to be better for her. I want to achieve more so that I can offer her more. I want to be strong for her, not just when she needs it, but all the time.

While it’s true, lesbian relationships can be as unhealthy as any straight relationship ever dreamed of being … they can also be healthier and more life affirming than anything else I’ve ever experienced and I hope that others have found the same thing. I hope that other women are finding their equals and bringing out the best in one another.

When all is said and done, I’m stronger as a dyke.

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