Social Masturbation

What exactly is social masturbation? Well before you get too excited, I tell you what it is not. It is not a psuedo-orgy consisting merely of dry humping and mutual masturbation in public venues. Sadly, this is not the case.

To be honest, I’m not a hundred percent sure I know what it is. But I heard the term today and decided then and there that it would become my newest hobby … to observe and document.

But first I have to determine exactly what it is, so that I can recognize it, right? Well when I heard the term, the images that popped into my mind were all those nights at bars and clubs, people watching. What I see is always mind-numbingly the same mating dance. A room full of lesbians: femmes in heels to butches in ties and everything in between. Almost every single one of them acting as if they’re being followed by the paparazzi. And in some cases they were … their own. Snap, snap, flash flash ….. the cameras go off constantly from every corner of the club and dance floor. All I can think is, “That’s probably their new facebook pic.”

I’m a people watcher by nature. I like to sit back and observe the scene and the scene never lets me down. Every where I turn there’s some mini dyke drama unfolding. Girlfriends fighting, cheating or just plain doing-it in a dark corner. Singles mingling and showing off, like peacocks strutting their colorful tails. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in these Hollywood clubs because everyone else always looks so cool and perfect. But the thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that underneath that carefully choreographed facade is just another gay girl with all the same hang ups, body issues and worries you have. At least that’s what I tell myself so I don’t feel so bad.

But I think that THAT is social masturbation. Going out to the same night clubs and bars, week after week. Strutting around like rock stars, pretending to be too cool to talk to anybody outside of your immediate clique. Or acting like you’re the hottest thing to hit LA since the Santa Ana winds. Pretending to be cooler then you are in hopes that others will believe the hype …. that, to me is social masturbation.

And while I have been guilty of it, out of insecurity I do try to drag my fingers away from my metaphorical vibrator long enough to look around and realize that no one’s paying attention to me because they’re all doing the same thing! So what exactly is the point of all of this!?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I like to feel connected to someone else. Social masturbation doesn’t seem to leave any room for someone new. I wish we’d all just turn off whatever stupid theme song we have playing in our head, realize that there those fans in the ceiling are not to make us look awesome in our imaginary music video and look around. Oh I don’t know, maybe even make eye contact with someone other then our own reflection?

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