Passive Butch vs. Aggressive Femme
I thought that when I started dating butch women that things would be easier, clearer in some ways. That perhaps some semblance of psuedo-gender roles might be in place, making it easier to navigate through the single scene if I knew who did what when.
But no such luck. Not only does it not clarify my role on the date it makes me so much more confused and left wondering, “What now?”
Apparently some butch or soft-butch women have very specific rules on who’s allowed to do what and when. Rules about who makes the first move, who pays, who opens doors. But what happens when the one who claims to be the aggressor isn’t that aggressive?
Leaving me, an alpha femme standing there waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not exactly sure anymore. But there’s something there that keeps me coming back for more. Maybe it’s the romantic idealization that I’ve created in my mind of what I thought the butch/femme dynamic would entail. But reality and fantasy rarely meet in the harsh light of day.
Then at the same time a beautiful, aggressive femme walks into my life. Someone who easily steps into the role of suitor and knows all the right things to say and do. The contrast between these two women couldn’t be more stark. They are complete opposites in every way from one woman’s long luxurious locks to the other’s edgy, short haircut … which is part of what I love about both of them.
But the more I get to know both of these women the more I see what I already knew, but lost sight of for a moment. The outside package rarely tells the truth about what you’ll find once you unwrap it. Not that I’m complaining … I mean who doesn’t love a surprise?
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sounds like you need to get fucked
Really? Seriously?
I dunno what’s worse – straights applying the butch/femme roles, or lesbians labeling and assigning expectations to said labels. Wait, no, the latter is worse.
Secondly, you REALLY lost site of how the outside is not always an indication of what lies inside? Look around at your Mafia.
As far as me needing to get laid …. I can get that any night of the week. The hard part is finding the whole package.
hhhhaaaa… ant it always the way, you get one feature only to give up another one!! ant that bout a bitch… =/ oh well… (sigh) im glad that quite frankly, i dont care about all that junk. I dont really care who gets it started, as long as it gets started. im happy…. =)
Loved the article. I am currently breaking through all the stereo types in my head. As an “alpha Femme” if we want to use labels, I am hopelessly in love (and coupled for the past almost 11 years) with my drop dead sexy Butch Woman. I am very aggressive in nature and she is very passive. It works for us as we see ourselves as completely balanced (although she often says “you are going to get me into a fight someday”). She appreciates my very high energy emotional side which can and does not stay bottled up much. I adore her ability to be so calm and cool, her ability to listen for hours if necessary for my tirade to burn out. Does this passive side (we are talking daily not sexually as that flips) make her less Butch? Not on your life, it is part of what makes her my perfect partner in life. From her short spiked hair and unhappiness at my lipstick leaving marks on her lips to her sports bra versus my push up we are in a Butch/Femme dynamic and love it. The wonderful thing is that WE define our relationship and there are no manufactured from the outside roles within it, only an embracing of who we are and complete admiration for one another’s qualities.
Thank you for writing this, I enjoyed reading it very much.
Hello,
Super post, Need to mark it on Digg
Thanks
AlexAxe
Ehhhh…I’m a domme, and i’ve dated both dommes and femmes. The last girl I was involved with was another domme. And when I was with her, I welcomed how neither of us assumed any roles as being the aggressor or the passive based on…clothing or labels. I think the problem comes when people regard ‘butch’ as synonymous with ‘aggressive.’ Someone preferring men’s slacks over a sundress isn’t automatically going to have an aggressive, forward personality. Out of the two of us, I was skinny and geeky and she was muscular and athletic and appeared more aggressive. But as time wore on and she became more comfortable in not having to adhere to the social constructs of ‘butchismo’, she let her passive side shine through more. I think the issue is that, in situations that follow the normal ‘butch/femme’ dynamic in appearance, some women can’t differentiate between appearance and personality. And sometimes butch women are forced into positions of the aggressor, the protector, whatever ‘masculine’ position you want to assign to it, when it’s not necessarily in her personality to step up and fight alongside you when you wanna be combative. And the problem is that suddenly when we have display of femininity that’s not sexual, femme women aren’t sure to handle it; almost as if by being aggressive, we’re supposed to hide everything away. So there are times when a domme would like to be spooned on the sofa instead of always initiating the spooning, or kissed on the back of the neck instead of always doing the kissing, and a lot of femmes tend to forget that, or ignore that part of a domme, or whatnot. I’m not that kind of lesbian. I like my menswear and short nails and loafers, and I like women who remember I’m a woman outside of sex. If you invite me out and want to pay for the entire date, I’ll let you. If you reach the door before I do and hold it for me, I’ll walk through it and hope you’re not ‘docking me points’ on the aggressive tip. Conversely, if I reach the door before you do and hold it for you, I’d hope you’d just appreciate the gesture without assuming some sort of role. Yes, some dommes have a lot of rules, but so do some femmes. And if you date enough women who tell you you’re ‘too soft’ because you’d like some arms around you for a change, a lesser man (so to speak) would eventually change to adhere to the common femme they encounter.
Very interesting, Treach! I feel that in certain situations a femme can be very sexy when she initiates things. I mean I have no problem with that sometimes…but, true to me…I love how a femme feels under me. No disrespect but, I want to get at her! and, these are just my inner feelings deep down inside. However, I think that as relationships develop into something special, things get comfortable with that couple and some stigmas of the butch/femme dynamic seem to go south, so to speak. I think it’s a normal thing when you fall in luv with someone. I want that femme to touch me with that special touch that only we share. I would never shut that off from her in our relationship…just saying!
Wonderful article. I was in the same boat as you. Hoping that maybe if I LOOK for a certain type of woman, I’ll find what I want but it is far from that simple. You can’t tell by the cover what the contents are. You may get a little snippet, but it can always be completely different. I, myself, am a mix. I can be passive or aggressive and I am femme yet butch. It all depends on the situation. I’m not expecting someone to open every door for me, but it’s nice if they hold it if they go through first, you know what I mean?
I recently got involved with a woman. I have always been with men before. I had a feeling I was going to treat a girl the way I like to be treated by men. I’m bisexual. At first glance she is not completely butchy but yes you can tell she is a lesbian. Into baggie pants, tennie shoes, polos. I’m very feminine but I have a strong personality. Anyways in bed she is passive and enjoys being completely dominated. She also enjoys being spoiled all the time. I like it I think it’s adorable.