Mixed Messages & Gym Buddies
OK, sooooooo ….. a very loyal reader and commenter …. who shall remain nameless, unless she wants to out herself (please feel free to in the comments section) recently left a comment. This comment told us that a straight friend, whom she has a crush on and they have a flirtatious type of friendship going on has a) recently started dating a man and b) has even more recently bought her a gym membership so they can “spend more time together.”
Oh but just to be clear, Miss Loyal Reader “is not reading anything into it.” Uh huh …. sure … I totally believe you. NOT!
I had to make this an entire blog unto itself for several reasons. Shall we get started?
1. Don’t lie. Of course you are reading into this, because how can you not? I would!!! Not to mention that the very first real experience I ever had with a girl was with my gym buddy. She wasn’t paying my membership but she used to jump in the shower with me and you better believe I read into that!
2. If she’s so straight, then why is she always flirting with you? And what kind of flirting are you talking about? Have you ever talked to her about women? Have you ever asked her if she’s ever dated a girl? If not, you should. Just bring it up over coffee or something. It’s not as hard as it sounds. Just say something like, “So have you ever dated a woman before? …. could you please pass the sugar.” Just throw it in there, all nonchalant and stuff. 😉
3. Don’t assume she’s straight just because she’s dating a guy. She could be bi-sexual, bi-curious or just in denial. It might take the right girl to show her what she’s missing. You really do need to start investigating a little more!
4. Lastly, I think you’re being very smart for trying not to get your hopes up. But I do think this chick is throwing out some mixed messages. So you can either enjoy some harmless flirtation and never try to take it to the next level or you can ask a few questions and see where she’s coming from. But should you decide to take the safe route and just enjoy the ride, there’s nothing wrong with that either. Look at it for practice for when you’re around a real lesbian. 😉
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Hahah soooo very true on all counts Sasha!
Ps. Ask her if she has a twin sister who wants to buy a femme a gym membership in NYC perhaps? 😉
That’s kinda funny…. my trainer was my first “girlfriend.” I say it like that because we never really dated… just slept together and, like you said, she’d jump in the shower with me.
Funny 🙂
LOL, seems like Sasha has a thing for her gym buddies because I was also one of her gym buddies and not that I kiss and tell, but …… anyways I also was lucky enough to witness the evolution of her first relationship with “She who shall never be named on here” and let me tell you, it was hot. I thanked God every day I was a lesbian so that I got to share a locker room with those two. Hahaha talk about gym gossip! Wow, those were the good old days. I miss those.
Alex and Sasha, you’re talking about “S” ? Yea that was hot and you were the talk of the gym. Believe me, you two were fodder for a lot of male masturbation sessions. If I had known you were messing around with Alex too!? That may have been too much to handle and my penis might have been irreparably injured by me.
Johnny you’re still as gross as ever. Eeeeew.
Dear Johnny,
We all masturbate. We all fantasize. But most people have the class and manners not to share that the contents of those fantasies with people who clearly aren’t interested in hearing them. Keep em to yourself.
Best,
WWG
@WWG, haha you tell him! Yea, well Johnny never was one for manners. Oh wait, I stand corrected. He was a perfect gentleman when he thought he had a shot with me, but as soon as he found out I was gay he turned into what you see now, a jerk.
@Sasha – Wish I could say I was surprised, but I’m not in the least. I’ve met guys like that (see: my response to the first chivalry post). Beyond annoying.
Johnny’s an ass and he probably has a small dick. Ignore him.
Back to the post on hand. I agree with Sasha. Whoever Miss Loyal Reader is, I think your friend might have more on her mind then friendship. But even if she does it doesn’t mean she’s ready or will ever be ready to take that next step.
But if I were you, I would start asking some questions like Sasha said. Be subtle but start snooping around a bit. Good luck! 😉
It is comments like Johnny’s that make lesbians SO glad they sleep with women 🙂 and not with men. LOL I mean come on LOL I SO do not want to hear about “male masturbation”. lol I agree with Sasha on that one- “Ewwwww” lol
now all that being said I would not mind hearing comments about women masturbating… I’m just sayin… what? I SAID I’m jus sayin!!
Need more info. I mean there are a lot of intangibles here. Are you femme? What do YOU consider flirtation? What does SHE consider flirtation? I have known some straight women that have gotten deals on “bring a friend” memberships to the gym & that is exactly what it is… a deal. Many women do not want to go to the gym alone & will go to great lengths to get someone to go with them in order to provide a buffer from the men. Men in the gym can be really obnoxious & flirtatious when all the woman really wants is to get in her cardio for the day. So yeah I have seen straight women go as far as par for a friend in order to have a gym buddy. If she knows you are gay, she may just feel comfortable with you as a friend & thinks it will deter the men. (yeah I know not likely but straight girls are oblivious to the reaction men have to lesbians sometimes..) It really all boils down to the question of what constitutes “flirtation”. Are you a lesbian? Bisexual? Bi-curious? Are you out? I mean does she know for a fact you are gay? So many things come into play here. Are you butch? Are you femme? yeah not enough info to answer this…
I agree with Sasha in that a casual question thrown out there in a casual way in a casual environment might be the best way to go. It has to be breezy because if there is motive behind her flirting, the answer is going to be less than casual to her. It will be the opening she is waiting for to move contact with you in a romantic direction. That is if she doesn’t chicken out, but you’ll probably be able to tell by the facial flushing how she really feels. It wasn’t clear from what Sasha wrote, but does she even know you’re gay?
@ Raye LOL In ref to your “now all that being said….” under what I wrote…. LOL LOL Too funny LOL I am sure you are in the majority on that one here LOL …..I guess what I wrote clarifies even more lol that I AM gay LOL – 🙂 femme lol because just the thought of that whole “male m…..” thing TOTALLY grosses me out. LOL LOL LOL Too funny- this all made my day. LOL LOL
Sasha I finally had time to actually read what you had written in this blog carefully since before I really just read/focused on the replies- especially Johnny’s reply lol Anyhow…..hummmmm……..interesting…….
@ Raye Ok, for the last 14 years I have defended people for a living so I guess I can defend myself here too. @ Sasha/Raye- No she does not know I am gay. No one knows I am gay expect me and all the readers of Sasha’s blog, no I am not out- you know that from my previous posts/struggles/pain about the “closets” and all the draining shit I went with in supporting my brother’s “coming out”. For your other question Raye- I am (in your words via cyber space) “a femme”- I love that “title” by the way. Yes, I do flirt with her and she flirts with me – you know typical flirting stuff “You’re so beautiful…” etc -from me then “You look really good in your new pics u have posted” etc – from her and it goes on and on-hard to back track/explain all the flirting out of context….When we go out she randomly says stuff like “They think we are a couple.” She paid for us to get our palms read and the palm reader said she “will have a strong partner relationship”- that was a lead in for me so I said, “You would never have a partner would you?” She said, “Never say never” But honestly I know it is what it is and I am not going to read into it (I think when gay people read into/try to analyze a straight person’s intentions/possible attractions they – the gay person- can end up getting very hurt) The reason I am not reading into it is because of one sentence she said to me after she had just told me the day before she was going to see the guy she just started dating. I said, “I really wish we could hang out instead.” And she said, “Hummm Jazi or a guy (and did that “weighing the two options with open palms thing”)” And she went out with him the next day. So that told me she is just teasing and not really serious. As for the gym she got it for me (and one for her) because she told me then “we can spend more time together…”. She said that to me not the other way around- I thought that was flirting, but who knows????? It was not some deal or promotion by the gym it was just a very kind gesture on her part. She will not let me pay her back. So……who knows the whole thing is what it is – whatever happens happens. For your other question- no she has not been w a woman, she has only been with men. I am incredibly attracted to her (look wise she would be considered a femme to answer your other question), but I am NOT going to make a fool out of myself by saying anything to her- trust me it is definitely embarrassing enough just bringing it up on this blog in cyber space let alone real life.
I know I spent a minimum of 6 whole months chasing down my girfriend – while I myself had a boyfriend – and she had pretty much zero clue. She was definitely into me, too, but blocked it out because she was assuming that I wouldn’t be into it – because, well, you know, I had that guy that I was still living with. I followed her around like a puppy dog, went to all her band’s shows, and stayed up past 3am on worknights. It started getting obvious to everyone else but her.
I had never been with a woman before, either, but I had been identifying as bi for the previous 4 years. During that time, I always had a strong interest and attraction to women, but because of other major life issues, it was something I didn’t have much opportunity to seriously pursue.
And really, what even brought me into an awareness of what I really am came when another female developed feelings for me. I think if I had been given that opportunity sooner, like in high school or college, I would have been on my path to gay ladydom at a much earlier age.
I know you’ve had a lot of stuff going on that’s been holding you back from being able to see this side of yourself. There’s a good chance that maybe she’s in the same boat, too. I would just say like Sasha that you keep observing her and drop some casual reference. Even if she totally blows it off at first, though, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Watch what she does more than what she says.
OK, so I want to give you some encouragment Jazmenha. Sorry this is gonna be kinda long but I’ll get my point across hopefully. I have been gay since I popped out of my mother. I was in the second grade when I had my first crush on a girl. I have been a tomboy, hunting, fishing, get down and dirty with the boys kinda girl all my life. People knew I was gay before I figured it out/came to terms with it. When I was 8 years old I met a beautiful girl at summer camp and was instantly head over heels for her, at 8! lol. Anyways, fast forward to high school. This girl and me are best friends (have been since camp) and I have come to realize that yes in fact I am gay, I am in love with my best friend, and my best best friend is straight as a freaking board. There was always alot of sexual tension between us. We slept in the same bed when at sleep overs, cuddled during movies- “just to be comfortable” and when it was “hot”, would sleep topless together. ALot of the time she would sleep cuddled up, legs twisted together, my arms around her because it was the most comfortable. This girl drove me INSANE! But I was scared shitless because she used to say things like, “oh I would never be with a girl, that’s just gross!” and “i could never be a lesbian” and my favorite, “i like dick too much”. She was the girly girl, always had a boyfriend type girl, and she had been dating this guy for about 3 years already. So I convienced myself that I would never be with the girl I was madly in love with. Instead, I decided to be the best friend I could to her and not interfer with her hetero relationship of love.
After what seemed like an eternity, I actually got up the nerve to say something to her and an amazing relationship blossomed from it. We were each others first girl everything. To make her feel comfortable we started out just as an “experiment”, but I knew that if she gave me the chance, she would fall in love with me. We’ve been together 6 1/2 years now; we are soulmates. Once we gave ourselves the chance we knew how right it was for us to be together.
I know this is incredibly long, but if your still reading, then I want to say this. Your situation is different, but very similiar to mine at the same time. I know it’s scary to come out, hell we didn’t come out till about 2 years ago. But you never know what will happen. Be brave, say something to this lady. You don’t have to come out to everyone but she may just be the love of your life.
@ Megan- Your words made me cry literally- that is SUCH a beautiful story. WOW!!!!!!! Thank you SO very much for sharing that. I wish you both a world of happiness together. Not sure if you know my whole story throughout this blog (read under Late Life Lesbians, My First Blog, Florida …Adoption, Lesbians going for Straight girls- I think that was the title) anyhow my situation is complicated because my brother is gay- he came out 6 yrs ago and 4 years of which I was the peacemaker etc literally everyday between him and my parents- it was very painful etc. so the thought of going through all that again for myself well I just can’t…..Anyhow as for my secret crush I will have to wait and see. She gives me so many mixed signals- even today on the phone-we have both want to move to new apts (each still living in our own apts not together) for different reasons. Anyhow, today on the phone she said to let her know if where I was thinking about moving to has any other 1 bedroom apt (in ref to her getting it)- she has talked about this before and had even gone there by herself to look at the complex when I first said I was thinking of moving there. But I can NOT take her seriously because she has a boyfriend-well dating not offically boyfriend but might as well be. Anyhow, you are so VERY blessed to be with your soulmate. That is SOOOOO very beautiful. I wish both of you SOOOOOO much happiness. 🙂 Jazi
@Jazmenha This is a tough call. She could be really into you, she could be curious, or she could just really like the attention. I have a couple of straight friends who play that last game with me. I’m either their only lesbian friend or one of very few, and the attention they get from flirting with me they consider harmless and fun. It’s a bit more exciting than the stuff they have been getting from guys their whole lives, and they don’t see it as anything their boyfriends/male dates would worry about. With these types, I act on a case by case basis. I have one friend who is sweet and genuine and neither one of us cross any lines; I don’t mind giving her this type of attention. Another friend would get manipulative if I let her, so… I don’t play along with her anymore.
Of course, I have no way of knowing whether this is what your gym buddy is doing. Just thought I’d share yet another perspective. As long as you are enjoying the situation (whatever it may be or turn into!), then carry on. There are no “normal” relationships. This I am convinced of. 🙂
Jaz… with all due respect to Megan’s story (a beautiful story btw) her situation is the exception and not the rule. I have a feeling your friend might be curious but I would wager a bet that she only makes these comments because she is not aware that you are in fact gay. Women now are so open to bisexual behaviors and referencing it because it is so (relatively) acceptable to men. But the minute she hears herself referred to by the *gasp L word, she will probably run like hell. I would be careful. My money is on this girl hurting you in the long run.
Thanks Raye. Honestly I do have to agree with you completely on your above response. Actually I thought about what Megan’s story a lot today and how blessed they were to “grow up together” and that probably played a huge roll in their beautiful outcome. I do agree with you in that I could picture her “running like hell” if I brought it up because of a few comments she has made that would predict that outcome plus she is dating a man (I think she is attracted to me, but that she is all talk). Based on the facts that I have written about throughout this blog (you’ve read Raye) I think my situation with her would be more my feelings were real and wanting to build a relationship and she was just “flirting” – when it came down to her kissing etc a girl yeah I agree with you- she would “run like hell” at the thought of being labeled a lesbian etc. And I already know I am one inside-hehe. It is the on the outside part that is missing. lol
You know the whole “coming out” thing has been something I have have struggled with for a LONG TIME because of what I saw and supported my brother go through in his VERY messy “coming out”. I am a very honest person and have written on here that I haven’t even kissed a girl 🙁 ONLY because I do not think it would be fair to her if I can’t be open due to everything I deal with supporting/being the go between for 4 years nonstop with my brother and parents (NOT because I am not cute- LOL LOL hehehe) 🙂 . I am a very loyal person and I would not want anyone to be a “secret”. That includes my own not wanting to be someone else’s secret either so I am going to wait until I met the right girl who would want to grow forward with me in this. If it is my “crush” then that would be wonderful, but I am not going to push anything. If things happen naturally with her great, but the more I think about it and some comments she has made I think she is just “flirting” to flirt (being a big flirt- maybe because I flirt with her first lol) in a different way then me who is flirting to express true feelings. And for your last sentence you wrote well- I do not need/want to get hurt by her I have already been hurt by too many men in my life.
@Amanda, Megan, Raye, Sasha, Melissa, Rexie etc (but NOT Johnny LOL – you were NO help at all LOL)
– Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate you time, effort, thoughts and caring comments on this subject. 🙂 hugs Jazmenha 🙂
Update- Well this one all blew up in my face last Friday (well over the phone)… ironically she was the one who opened up to me about having feelings towards me/being confused about these feelings/attracted to me etc and I (totally out of fear) played the “hetero” actress (gag! believe I kicked myself hard for that one- oh well) by encouraging her to give the guy a chance/to be with him….I totally f-ed that one up out of fear of reality…..now she will not talk to me. 🙁 Oh well we all do the best we can-for all the reasons behind why we do what we do and when/how we do it. We do the best we can when we can and the only way we know how……in the end everything works out the way it is suppose to. 🙂 I have an expression “Everything works out in the end and if it doesn’t work out it’s not the end of everything.” 🙂 Guess I had a major weekend long crash course on that one.
Jazmenha, this must have been hard for you. But, as some of us have commented, YOU must be ready – you and only you! And, even though she told you her feelings, the ultimate outcome of her words remain a mute point until the time of your acknowledgment/acceptance of you…and of knowing if it is the right time and/or person for you. Don’t be hard on yourself; because, just like you said…”If it’s meant to be, it will be. Glad you are back beautiful! Hey, wouldn’t it be nice to have some Cliff Notes on this entire subject? LOL! So much easier…
Jazmenha, this must have been hard for you. But, as some of us have commented, YOU must be ready – you and only you! And, even though she told you her feelings, the ultimate outcome of her words remain a mute point until the time of your acknowledgment/acceptance of you…and of knowing if it is the right time and/or person for you. Don’t be hard on yourself; because, just like you said…”If it’s meant to be, it will be. Glad you are back beautiful! Hey, wouldn’t it be nice to have some Cliff Notes on this entire subject? LOL! So much easier…
@Jazmenha – If she was who you wanted, you wouldn’t have played hetero actress. You would have said “me too. Let’s go to the gym and get it on in the steam room!”
Did you ever stop to think that possibly you just aren’t entirely into her? Just because someone is into us doesn’t mean we have to or will return the interest, even if we are of the same orientation. Chemistry is more powerful than that.
@ Femmelover VERY good points- thanks. I appreciate that. And yes Cliff Notes on this would be wonderful. hehe
@ WWG Yes, I understand and agree but I know for me it goes deeper- I am just not ready to jump out of the closet and that was a big opportunity to do so and it totally freaked me out. I agree, if she was the right one I would not have hesitated. Well the fact that she has a boyfriend didn’t exactly make we want to jump out of my closet and into her closet. lol I mean??? she HAS a boyfriend so if she is thinking feeling all that about/for me then she should FIRST not be with him THEN express her feelings about me….I am NOT into ANY form of cheating. So I know I made the right move to play the hetero actress- I mean I do have a LOT of practice in that roll. lol hehehe
Hi Ladies, I know you don’t know me, but I posted recently on a couple of other older, longer blogs, at the end of them. I’m a soft butch lesbian, single, struggling with some of these same issues, but I am out to most of my friends. And, I’m a little older than most of you….mid 50s.
I want to tell Jazmenha, this is a process…I think you did good, esp. your last post: “She needs to first Not be with him, before telling me she wants to be with me.”
Yes!! Exactly. You are right on. This is one thing that’s always discouraged me about most ppl., esp. lesbians: getting involved with the next person before breaking up with last one. It really doesn’t matter what sex that person is, it’s about respecting people. And, yourself, too.
This is a process. You will go through things like this, it’s how we grow. You are growing! There are no wrong answers. No, relationships don’t come with Cliff Notes. It’s one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. We just try not to step on each other’s toes. It helps to go slowly, but yes, we all get impatient for things to move along, don’t we?
I can see myself at Barnes and Noble now: “Scuse me, can you tell me where the Cliff Notes section is, on “Is my Straight GF Really Just a Prick Tease?” Reference section, near the magazines? Gee, thanks.”
I’ve read tons of blogs and listened to my gay g/fs and my therapist tell me not to “go there” so many times, but yes, I’ll fallen for it, too. The difference is, now, I choose to be honest if I feel something. How else will you know? I’m sure it took some courage for her to talk with you, and break that ice. She’s prob feeling a little burned you didn’t respond the way she expected. Give her time.
I say, it’s not over. You could talk more. You could be more self- disclosing yourself, when you’re ready. But next time, may I recommend a face to face meeting, alone? You ladies need each other’s eye contact. Very important.
I agree, chemistry is everything. It’s something you can’t measure, you can only feel it. Just between us, I must confess, I right now am experiencing chemistry with someone, and I don’t know her specific preferences. She threw me the ball for months, now I’m throwing it back. Is it going the way I want it to? Haha, it’s going slow. But chemistry is still there. I’m not going to give up, though.
I don’t think anyone’s an expert. We’re all just doing the best we can. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Relationships are give and take. Cat and mouse. Just as in life, there are no guarantees. Life is risk. Take a chance. Spread your love around. See what happens.
We all need a little more fairy dust, don’t we? You could really make someone’s day.
“Everything I give you, all comes back to me.” —Madonna
Capecodkid- I want to acknowledge your comment to me but I’ll have to reply to you at a later date-sorry but I am dealing with too much personal stuff rt now to even think straight.