Let’s Pontificate On Our Gayness …. All Day Long
Today a straight friend of mine said to me, “Why do you talk about being gay all the time? It’s not like I run around all day talking about how straight I am.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant so I questioned her and her response was that she thought I talked a lot about gay culture, dating women, my lesbian friends …. in other words, my life.
All I could say to her was, “Bull crap you don’t talk about being straight all day. Every time you talk about your boyfriend, or your wedding or almost anything that has to do with your social life you’re referencing a straight lifestyle. The only reason you don’t have to preface it with a “straight label” is because we live in a straight society. Gays on the other hand are part of a sub-culture that exists alongside but in many ways, separate from mainstream culture. Of course I talk about gay culture, not only is it my reality, my job and my social circle it also happens to be very exciting political times for the gay community with gay marriage being legalized. Need I go on?”
Well apparently I did because she just didn’t get it. She then had the nerve to insinuate the possibility that I wasn’t really gay, since I felt the need to talk about it all the time. Well that sort of ticked me off. Because not only did she not get any of my previous points she was now accusing me of over-compensating in some weird way. I can’t say I totally got her argument on this point. But I did say to her that one reason I read, research and discuss particular phenomena I witness within the lesbian community may be because I’m smart enough to see that there’s something to learn from it.
The more she talked the more I realized that anytime I opened my mouth, to her all she heard was, “So I’m gay and I like gay girls and my friends are all gay. The world should be gay. Don’t you wish you were gay? Blah blah gay.” The reason for this is not because I use the word gay every five minutes, because I don’t. But she knows what my lifestyle is and so in her head, every time I spoke about anything it was colored by the rainbow colored glasses she sees me through.
She asked me if all my friends talk about “being gay” as much as I do. I thought about it for a moment and you know what? We do. We joke, compare, ridicule, contemplate, pontificate and philosophize about all things gay.
But why? Maybe because during the day most of us work in a professional setting where our sexuality is not something to write a company memo about. Maybe we’re surrounded by breeders all week long and when we’re together it’s like taking off your work clothes and kicking back in your comfy pj’s … we just get to be our happy, gay, sarcastic selves. I don’t know what the answer is, but yes, as a group a lot of conversations may have a gay tinge.
But if we were to deconstruct an average conversation between a group of straight girlfriends, I’m sure that their dialogue would be as hetero-centric as our homo-centric conversations seem to an outsider. It’s natural that we talk about things that affect our lives. What wouldn’t be natural would be if on any Friday night, you overheard Maggie, Amber, Jeanine, Jamie, Tye, Sam and myself discussing the hot guys at the end of the bar, pregnancy tests after a drunken night or the best place to get fake nails.
Maybe I do talk about gay issues a lot. But I’m not going to apologize for being proud of who I am, proud of who my friends are and proud of the progress we’re making as a whole. These are amazing times we’re living in and it would be pretty pathetic if I was too worried about what others thought to fully embrace it. So in closing I have this to say to my friend, “Eh, bite me. I’ve had to listen to your man problems for 15 years. This is your chance to return the favor.”
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Exactly!!
I wrote a post yesterday on identity here, and I came to the conclusion that the reason people don’t really mention or cling to their straight identity as such is that they do so in other ways – through their families, social circles, etc.
I think it’s hard for someone who hasn’t been through it to comprehend the utter joy of discovering something lesbian in the world – whether it’s a club, a group of people, a book, a film – because it seems like there’s so little of it (beyond the mainstream view of lesbians that’s so twisted). I was describing to my mother the other day the sense of overwhelming joy I got when I read Hood by Emma Donoghue, because as a 23-year-old lesbian, it’s not that I’ve never seen gay things before but it’s just amazing to read a normal piece of literary fiction about lesbians that is unapologetic, and even mentions sex in a way that lesbians can relate to (how many books by a straight man are going to talk about sex during menstruation?) Though I know a lot of gay men and a lot about gay male culture, I feel like lesbian culture is just really starting to get to the point of accessibility for those of us not in New York and California. I know a ton of bisexual women, but very few lesbians. Being able to watch After Ellen video blogs, for example, opens up a world of unapologetic lesbianism that I’ve never really encountered.
Bring it on!
I disagree with those people who say being gay is only a part of who we are… like my Mom for instance. I think being gay is more than just a part of who I am. There is a reason I have a select few straight friends…our lives just don’t mesh. We may all be puzzle pieces but mine fit together in a totally different puzzle. Where I go, what I talk about, the movies and tv shows I watch, the clubs I go to – all have some degree of gayness.
Which brings me back to the topic of “passing” in a straight society, when I clearly think I am so obviously gay…it’s in EVERYTHING I do and am.
Oh, and this blog is gay.
I had a rather interesting conversation with my very straight male boss the other day, that happens to know I am very much a lesbian. He told me of his concern that I live two lives, one of “passing” as straight and one of being gay.
After some conversation on the subject, it got me to thinking. DoI lead two identities? At one point the answer would have been yes. Having been in the military at one point in my life, I HAD to lead two lives. A hidden one, which was my gay life, and the “passing” one, which was one big cover-up. Even though I’m done with that part of my life, I still feel as though I do the same thing now, but not to the extreme as it used to.
I now am openly gay, but at times feel the need to put on my “straight” face. Be it to avoid judgement, to fit in more, or to just avoid making others uncomfortable. I do.
The community is making leaps and bounds with progress towards equal rights, and THIS makes me excited!! The ban on gays in the military (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) is much like the ban of african americans at one point in the military, and before that it was for women in the miltary. The ban on same-sex marriage, is much like the ban proposed on interracial marriages at one point as well. Its all about progression. I just wonder what group is going to be societies “enemy” after we (lgbt) have finally won our fight.
So as far as what this blog says…. YES I do talk about being gay ALL the time, YES gay things pop out at me, and when i see them in mainstream (like Grey’s Anatomy Lesbian kiss) I get overly ecstatic! Because really when it comes down to it… when you speak to people that are “supposed” to be your friends, like the friend that brought this up to you, you are “supposed” to be able to be yourself….. RIGHT? So yes, when I am myself…. and allowed to be myself, without judgement…. I am very much gay!
Thanks for this blog Sasha, like I’ve said before, I’m pretty much hooked on this blog, and have found it to be one of my “daily reads”…. keep up the good work!
I’m so tempted just to write……….”GAYGAYGAYGAY” about 6 million times here, LoL. I have to agree with Maggie and her entire comment. Being Gay is more than just a part of who I am. I don’t purposely let my sexuality define me. But my lifestyle is GAY. I am Gay! Much like I’m European or a sassy white chick. LoL. It is what it is. I have a few straight friends and boy lemme tell ya…when they have get togethers…it’s like that L Word episode where they all sit and play that trivia game. An alien encounter, lol! Us gay folks just tend to gravitate to one section of the room and keep each other company. A flock of queers…a gaggle of Gays….what would you call us anyway? LoL.
Wow I love reading your archives… and this post makes me annoyed with straight people yet again. When you have to be in the closet at work, or simply just be quiet about who you are, you begin to realize just how much straight people talk about their straight lives. They talk about church functions that we are not allowed to attend. They talk about their in-laws and grandchildren and children and show pictures of their spouses on their desks. The talk about dates and wedding plans. The list is never ending. And they expect us to just sit here and listen to it all day long because it is “normal conversation”. Well it is normal for them but we have children, spouses, dates, weddings and personal lives too. Just because we are gay does not mean our lives are any less “normal” than theirs. And the only reason they say we are talking about being gay all the time is because we are not straight. We are just talking about our lives. Big fucking deal. If I am not allowed to talk about my girlfriend and our trip with the kiddo to the Pride Parade, then they can shut the fuck up about their family trip to Disneyland. I’m just sayin. Oh and no your baby is not cute it is fugly ya stupid hetero bitch!