Lesbians Holding Hands: A political statement?
Although very supportive, my mother occasionally lets things slip out that make me wonder how OK she really is with having a gay daughter. Most of the time I think it’s just that she wishes I wasn’t so out about it. My girlfriend and I are constantly hearing this from her, “Don’t hold hands or kiss in public. It’s just too dangerous. You don’t know what kind of sickos are out there that might want to hurt you.”
While that may be true, my girlfriend and I always look at each other and say, “Let someone try something, that will be the worst day of their sorry lives.”
Deep down I know my mom has a point.
But her point and my point end up in different places. Her take on the situation is that there are prejudice, bigoted asses out there that are ignorant enough to be physically violent under the right circumstances, i.e., drunk or just pissed enough to see that a woman gets more and better quality pussy then they do.
So my mother’s response to the possibility of that threat is to hide who we are. She even goes as far as to try to dress it up in her fake PC-ness with, “It’s none of their business what you do in your bedroom. Don’t give them the satisfaction.”
WTF, mom?
My take on it however is this: There is no way in hell I’m going to alter my behavior when it’s perfectly acceptable (such as simply holding hands with my gf in public) just to bow down to a few ignorant people and make THEM feel comfortable.
I’ll be damned if I live my life in fear of getting gay bashed. When a) I think it’s unlikely since I live in Los Angeles. But you never know since we’ve been spooked before. b) While I don’t claim to be Wonder Woman, I have been into MMA for years now, so the chances are that I could totally kick some idiots ass and enjoy every minute of it and c) Even if it were inevitable, it’s all the more reason to live my life out in the open.
In a way, every time my gf and I hold hands or give each other a peck on the cheek in public, we’re making a statement. Several actually. We’re saying, “Yes, we’re gay and we’re out and we’re just living out lives like everyone else. So if you have a problem with it, don’t look.”
I also think we’re saying, “Look at how normal we are? We go grocery shopping, walk the dogs, go to the movies just like everyone else. We’re no threat to the “American family” we are an “American family” just like you.”
While it has happened there have been times that my girl and I have let go of each others hand because we felt sooooo uncomfortable, it doesn’t happen often. But we do have an agreement, if one of us ever drops the hand of the other in public it just means that we saw or sensed something that made us think it wasn’t worth it. That maybe the people we were surrounded by were putting off such a strong vibe that it’s just safer to let it go and blend in.
While it’s all good to stand up for what who we are and we do, on a daily basis. We’re not stupid. We know we’re just two women and sometimes being outnumbered by drunk frat boys isn’t the time to make political statements.
I know that moms mean well when they say. “You really shouldn’t be so open about everything, it makes you too vulnerable to being hurt by stupid people that don’t understand.”
All I hear is, “Wa – wa – wa – wa – be ashamed of who you are and hide in the shadows.”
When I hear that I always think of the timeless words of Edmund Burke, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
To me, every time a gay or lesbian couple walks down a street holding hands, gives each other a loving kiss or puts their arm around the one they love, they’re taking a stand that says, “We’re not going back into any closet just so that you can be more comfortable. We’re not doing anything wrong. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We’re as normal as you and deserve to live in the open like you. So get used to it.”
Each of us can be an ambassador of sorts. By living an Out life, we keep the chance for dialogue open and we stand as an example to younger gays and lesbians that it’s simply OK.
It’s not just OK, it’s awesome.
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I totally agree. I live in the middle of midwestern hell. Ok it’s not that bad…but also out couples are not THAT common. When my girlfriend and I have PDA or hold hands, sometimes I do feel a little uncomfortable and we have to stop, but mostly people just stare. I feel like it’s good for people. Like they are learning that it’s ok, that it’s normal, that we’re just like everyone else.
My boss used to be a little homophobic but now he understands that we’re just like every other couple on the planet. We go to the farmers market. We have fights. We cook each other dinner. We watch tv. We do everything that every normal couple does.
Idk..I’m rambling. I agree with your entire post.
oh honey! I hear ya! Its been so weird for me here. I spent 10 years in a city where I was out and proud and came home to spend time with the family. And well to be honest coming out to dad wasn’t bad at all. Coming out to mom on the other hand she has boiled my sexuality down to a chemical inbalence and says that I should go to the doctor to get my hormones checked.. AS IF I am hiding a penis in my pants.. WTF.. LOL She also told me that I shouldn’t tell anyone because I could get hurt.
I agree completely with your post. I live an “out” and open life. I think it’s good for many reasons – one is that it shows people that lesbians don’t always look a certain way…we have all sorts of presentations, styles, etc…and I don’t know if we were just walking down the street, if people would assume we were together (well, unless they caught my hand on her bottom a few times)
Also, I think that it’s important because if one younger or uncertain lesbian couple sees it, maybe they are more likely to be open also…and then, we’re everywhere.
I loved your statement about how it shows our normalcy – walking the dog, getting groceries, etc…because (gasp) we might just be like everyone else.
To be honest, I think that’s what they fear most.
This totally reminded me of this article about Ellen that I read the other day: http://www.365gay.com/blog/lowenstein-can-ellen-change-hearts-and-minds/
While obviously we don’t have the same size audience as Ellen, we can still do our little part 🙂
I totally agree. I hate it when people tell you not to “flaunt” your sexuality if they see you kiss or hold hands with your partner. No one would EVER say that to a straight person! It annoys me beyond belief. Good for you for staying strong and holding on to your convictions 🙂
true that… fight for your self,. and who you are NO ONE has the right to tell you who you are, and NO ONE has the right to try to make you something your not just because they dont like it…….
@ Sasha- This post totally hit a cord with me. Reading the first part about what your mom said that “someone might hurt you etc” sincerely made me teary eyed because my brother (obviously you know he is gay lol I have written many times in reference) anyhow, many years ago – past 15 years or so back he was with his then partner walking on a bridge (can’t rem where) not in CA and they were holding hands. Some guys attacked them and tried to throw my brother over the bridge. Obviously that stays with you for a lifetime. I have never seen him and his now partner of 15 years hold hands or anything publicly. Anyhow, I really wish people in society would be more concerned with their own relationships than those of other people. I FEEL LIKE YELLING TO SOCIETY- WHO GIVES A SHIT IF SOMEONE IS GAY OR LESBIAN – I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SECOND CLASS CITIZEN BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After everything I dealt with in terms of my brother coming out and seeing people’s reactions it was very disheartening. Now as I struggle with my own “coming out” I just can not do it. Some might say that makes me weak, but I know what I have been through in my life and therefore I know that my strength far surpasses that of most people if not everyone I have met. The bottom line is no one knows the stories of those who hold hands publicly- gay couples, straight couples etc and no one knows the stories of those who don’t hold hands publicly. I am so proud of you Sasha for having the strength and bravery to be true to yourself – I think you are fucking awesome 🙂 big smiles – you opened a can of worms LOL by encouraging me to be brave and throw the f-bomb out there LOL so LOL Honestly if I ever do find that strength in terms of my own coming out then I know that will be because of your blog Sasha, 🙂 hugs my favorite cyber space friend 🙂 Have an awesome weekend with Remi!!!!!!! 🙂 Jazi
@Jazmenha …. the more I hear from you, the more I want to say something really deep and meaningful to let you know how important you are and how much you are worthy of living a life of truth, for yourself. Because hiding who you really are must be a burden and it can’t feel very good either.
But today, I feel all foggy and slow because I’m dealing with a headache that just won’t go away. However, I will be thinking of you and if and when I can string a few coherent sentences together about your situation, I will.
Thanks. I hope your headache feels better soon. Now I am feeling so shy to open up anymore because I don’t want you thinking I am “Betty Bitchy” lol bitching about how hard life is in the “closet”. LOL And don’t want you thinking I am “Debby Downer” lol oh life suckssss-LOL. LOL LOL Not all at I am a very happy person except for the whole “closet” thing, but it is what it is 🙁 I mean there is no way in hell I am ever dealing with the bull shit that I did for literally every day for 4 yrs when he came out. On the other hand I would never feel right making a future partner feel like she was a “secret” that I did not want the world to know about. So with those two things in mind I just don’t do anything about my feelings towards women. I know I should shut up talking about the “closet” thing on a very (hehehe smiles) open lesbian site/blog so I promise I will work on that. I mean I don’t think everyone wants to hear that all the time LOL it would be like someone writing about always eating meat, eggs, cheese on a strictly vegetarian/vegans blog. LOL 🙂 Honestly, I am a very open person. I am like a human Halmark card lol to the core. Plus I love to write so I get really deep and carried away in my writing. LOL I am an artist – artists are too deep for their own good. LOL LOL LOL Feel better soon they say if you squeeze the inside of your hand – the skin part between your thumb and pointer finger- that will make the headache go away- not sure if it works. lol
Sasha I really hope my reply to you did not appear rude or disrespectful towards you. I did NOT mean it like that at all. I know you are being totally supportive of me and my situation in your reply to what I wrote and I truly appreciate that. I appreciate you and your blog very much. Thanks for all the support. I know it does not seem like it lol but in real life- noncyber space lol- I am VERY shy about opening up so I got a little embarassed with myself because I was posting too much personal stuff about my situation on someone else’s blog- for that I apologize. I know you don’t mind 🙂 and that I can post whatever 🙂 on your blog because you are SO nice like that 🙂 Anyhow, I look forward to reading upcoming blogs/posts. Hope your headache is gone. 🙂 Take care. Jazi
Jazzi, nothing you’ve ever said on here could be considered rude towards me in the least! Don’t apologize for anything! Please! You’re a sweet heart and this blog is open for everyone to post anything and everything that’s on their mind. There is no such thing as too much information or too much anything!
Post whatever you feel like and don’t be embarrassed and don’t apologize! We’re all here for you, even if it’s just to listen. 🙂
omgg ii cant completely relate to this!! (im almost 17 & my gf iz almost 16) my gfs mom knows thatwe kissed & stuff & shes completely homophobic so sumtimes my gf jus lets go of my hand for a few mins til she feels safe. but im proud of her for not leaving M3 jus b/c her mom disapproves 🙂 we were actually kicked out of a pizzaria by near school a few weeks ago cuz the guy didnt like her kissing my cheek – cuz he “doesn’t like that sh*t”.apparently M3 & gfs subtle PDA is worse than him cursing. but other than that incident, a bunch of ppl pass by us & say were a cute couple & our friends r really supportive. especially since we have a g.s.a. at my skool, so im really fortunate to not have so much homophobia where i live. & i feel like, yea we’re two normal girls & we jus happen to be attracted to eachother, why should it matter? tho itz funny cuz ii have the typical femme look & she has the butch look. your post makes M3 feel like im not wrong for showing PDA & wanting the world to know that i love her 🙂 thanks
I couldn’t agree with you more.If it’s OK for straight couples to hold hands in public,then me and my gf can do the same.They can stare all they want.We are human like everyone else.Luckily it’s a big city so there’s been very little hostility.I’m refusing to alter my behavior because some people won’t mind their own business.If they would wake up and realize same sex couples do exist,the world would be a lot simpler and easier place to live.If they don’t like it they can take a hike.
Natalie like one of my best friends says on this subject u addressed- “Keep your publics out of my privates” LMAO!!!
Amen!
This may be out of context, but I can completely understand a mother’s fears for her gay/lesbian child. It can be dangerous. There are cultures where lesbians are raped, beaten or worse, sometimes by several men and sometimes under supervision of elders as punishment for loving a woman. I am not a part of a culture like that and will most likely not be sought out, but it makes me think twice.