LDR’s and Dildo Etiquette

A reader wrote in:

I’m currently in a LDR with a butch and I am femme. She recently came to visit and we bought a dildo for her to use with me. When she left to go back home, unbeknownst to me, she took it with her instead of leaving it for when she comes

back next week month to visit. Why would she do this? If it’s ours, why bring it home? It’s not like I’m going to use it with anyone else.

Thank you

First of all, I love hearing from a femme in a relationship with a butch. Not that it matters, but it’s always nice to hear when our butch community is being loved and recognized. 

Now to your very good question: Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it. My immediate thought was, “Well of course she takes it back with her, why would a butch leave her dick in another city?”  I mean it in the way that some butches, especially stone, are very particular about toys or supplemental items. It can be extremely personal and she just might have felt more comfortable taking it with her. 

The other possibility is that she doesn’t want you to use it with anyone else! I’m not saying that’s the case, but some people have trust issues. And that doesn’t always have to do with the current partner, but more to do with her past experiences. Maybe she’s had that happen to her in the past? Have you asked her? It’s not that she doesn’t trust you, it could just be an insecurity brought on by someone in her past. So don’t take it personally. 

Honestly, either way, I don’t think this should worry you too much. Unless it does, and in which case you really need to open a dialogue with her about it. In fact, I suggest you do that anyway, so that you can both be on the same page with things like this. Sex toys and butch femme dynamics can be very complicated and very unique to each couple. It takes a lot of open and honest communication with each other about what you want and expect out of this experience. (The dildo experience, but also it could lead to very deep conversations about your roles in the relationship.) 

My advice is to just ask her. Be very honest about how it made you feel, but don’t assume the worst. Just try to listen to her reasons and understand the why’s behind her actions. Maybe she doesn’t care about it so much and just took it so it wouldn’t be in your way. It really could be so simple, but you’ll have to ask her yourself. 

If you really want her to leave it with you while she’s away, tell her why. It could even be a very sexy reason … as in, you miss her when she’s gone and that helps you “feel her presence” even when she’s not there???? I mean you could use this as some sexy FaceTime play, just saying … the possibilities are endless. You could also take turns having custody of said dildo …. What a lovely compromise right? 

In summary, I think it’s not a bad thing she took it. There could be many reasons, but the easiest thing would be to just ask her. Added benefits to asking her? 

1. Opens a new dialogue about sex and roles in your relationship. 
2. Will clear any misunderstandings between you two about this, because a dildo is never anything to fight over. 
3. Could possible lead to hot and heavy FaceTime calls.

I hope that something helps and if any readers have any similar stories or advice feel free to chime in, in the comments. 

Ps: If you’re sending in any Advice emails could you please write the word Advice somewhere in the subject line so it doesn’t get as lost as everything else in my chaos that is my inbox. Thank you and I promise to be answering these much quicker here on out. 

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