How To Be a Lesbian
Alright, so if you’ll look over in the right hand column down to recent comments, you’ll see a few new comments on When you realize you’re a lesbian and I thought I better write something on this.
Of course this is a complicated, personal issue fraught with personal baggage, religious guilt, fear of family judgment and who knows what else. But let’s try to keep it simple, shall we?
Here’s how I knew I was gay:
I fell in love with my best friend. I’m talking, love at first sight – the rest of the world dropped out of focus and all I could see or hear was her, in slow motion, moving towards me in the dark room on campus late one night. (Can someone say run-on sentence?!)
But at that point I was clueless and thought I was straight. So was she. So what’s a naive, confused, maybe lesbian supposed to do? Make this chick her new best friend.
Which wasn’t hard since we had this undeniable connection that we both felt and admitted. However this would prove to be the single most painful relationship in my life to date.
Why? Because being in love with your straight best friend is no way to live. After I came to terms with my gayness I began to branch out and focus my newly found lesbian eyes on available women, aka other gay girls. Don’t get me wrong, I spent years and years pining away for her …. but that’s a long and too painful story for this little blog. I also did the whole, “I’m just bi” routine and got my toes wet with other “bi-curious” girls. Big mistake!!! Because while I thought I was bi but was really gay, they all seemed to think they were bi but were actually straight. Usually leaving me trying to mend my little gay heart while they ran back to their boyfriends.
Basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that most of us have a pretty rocky road to navigate from the All-American girl who’s supposed to grow up, get married to the man of her dreams and have children, a career and an SUV to realizing your future is never going to be what your mother dreamed of for her little girl.
It really is a big adjustment, it was for me. I had to wrap my brain around a whole new culture. And as silly as it sounds, things like who pays, who drives, who initiates intimacy, who asks who out were all things I had to figure out along the way.
Huh, a new culture. That’s probably the easiest way I could tell someone who was new to being a lesbian. It’s sort of like moving to another country, were they still speak the same language, sort of. But it’s a different dialect, there’s all new colloquialisms, slang. When you move to another country, you have to adapt to a new culture. A new way of looking at the world, because the world is different here. Even though you’ll find similarities, they’ll be diametrically opposed to their counter part because it’s two women filling the roles, where usually a man would be in one. It may be confusing to you for a while, like when you go to Australia and the water goes down the drain the opposite way . It’s not wrong, it’s just different. Yet it works perfectly, naturally.
So to all you newbies who are fresh off the boat and don’t know how to find your way around lesbian culture, do what you would do if you really had relocated to the other side of the world. Meet some locals and have them show you around. Read up on the culture, the history and the ways of your new people. Seriously.
Ok, still need me to break this down even further? OK here:
Your first assignment is to make a new friend. Go out to a local gay bar, gay coffee shop or your local LGBT center and meet some people. Trust me, us gays are pretty friendly people, just go and see what happens.
Too shy for that? Fine, do what I’ve done and take out a craigslist ad. But BE CAREFUL. Take out a little ad that says you’re looking for a new friend in the same position as you to have coffee with and chat. It’s not as scary or as creepy as it sounds. I’ve met some pretty cool women off craigslist. But please voice verify first and only meet in a public setting. Be creative and honest with your posting and see what happens. Hey, you’ve got to start getting yourself out there somehow and one thing can lead to another to another and before you know it, you’ll find yourself enmeshed in gay culture.
For the book worms among you, start reading. Go on Amazon and browse the lesbian section and just start reading. One of my favorites is Stone Butch Blues, a must read for every lesbian I think, just to appreciate how good we have it now. But there are lots of how to books also: how to know if it’s just coffee or a date, how to have lesbian sex, how the butch/femme dynamic works (not that you have to be one or the other, but maybe you are and that in itself can help a lot in your journey of self-discovery.)
Look lady, coming to terms with being a lesbian is an awesome thing. It’s not as scary as you might think it is. Once you accept it and start putting yourself out there in the community you will find your place. You’ll find your style, your taste in women, a group of friends and before you know it, you’ll wonder how you ever lived any other way.
Being a lesbian is something to be proud of and to revel in. It’s a powerful way to live your life, unafraid of what others think, true to yourself and your loved ones.
Even if you’re on the fence and still not sure if you’re “family” it’s no reason not to go out and make some friends in the gay community. We happen to make pretty fucking awesome friends. And a little reading never killed anyone. So just go for it, take one little step and then another one …. and then another one ….
If you haven’t read these older posts go read them now as a little primer:
… and go be gay.
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Nice, I like the whole “culture, different country” analogy. It fits perfectly.
There is a whole new language newbies need to learn but most of it is non verbal, like when I met you in the bookstore the other day. We said a lot without saying a word, I knew you were gay before even talking to you.
Uh oh is there trouble between u & remi? Cuz reading Kim’s comment makes it sound like you were out cruising at your local bookstore or in the very least, getting cruised by some new girl.
Whats up Sasha? Are you back on the block?
You’re so right Sasha, gay culture is another culture and lesbian culture is subset within it. We do have our own ways, our own way of dressing, identifying each other, hell we even have our own genders. It’s a very complicated thing. But newbies shouldn’t be afraid. Listen to Sasha and just start somewhere. Go to your local glbt center and volunteer or just ask about activities and go to movie night or something.
It really is better being a dyke. You’ll see. Hell, when you’re a dyke you get to see beautiful women like Sasha and her friends naked in your pool 😉 hahaha
I’m so sure Sasha would have blogged about it if she and Remi had broken up. Curious girl, I think you’re jumping to conclusions. Sheesh.
“Because while I thought I was bi but was really gay, they all seemed to think they were bi but were actually straight. Usually leaving me trying to mend my little gay heart while they ran back to their boyfriends.”
BOY do I EVER identify with this! One of my butch buddies said it best, “I am TIRED of being the ‘test dummy for the bi-curious'”.
Great post, Sasha. I have a similar coming out story where I identified as bi prior to identifying as gay, despite not really ever feeling it with men. Not the way I do with women.
My cousin is newly out and scared. She hasn’t kissed a woman yet – I keep telling her to make friends first. Once she gets comfortable with the culture, then dating can happen. But right now she doesn’t even have gay friends… just me and my partner. I’ll direct her to this post I think!
I love your blog Sasha. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, even went back and read all the old posts just to catch up. I really take your advice to heart.
I’m 19 and I know I’m a lesbian. But I haven’t come out to my parents yet. I have a gf but everyone thinks we’re just “best friends”.
We both read your blog all the time. I’m glad you finally wrote something again. We got a little worried about you.
I’m newly out and Ive read craigslist women for women but a lot of those posts are gross pics asking for nothing more then nsa sex.
But I’ve got nothing to lose so I’m going to post something casual and see what happens. I’ll let you know.
Sasha, help me I need your advice. I thought I was gay. I know i’m gay but recently I got drunk and slept with a guy friend of mine. Does this mean I’m bi or straight??
I read your blog and posted an ad on CL right away. I already got a few good responses. Some idiot men of course, but a few women that seem cool enough.
Thanks for the post and the advice. I wish you wrote more often Sasha, but I understand when you don’t. Hope all is well.
I want to know who Kim and Joe are. Are you single or what? Why are you naked in pools and getting picked up on in bookstores? Where is Remi during all of this??
Whoa whoa, WHOA.
For the record, I am NOT single again. Remi and I are blissfully happy and together. Coming up on our 1 year anniversary actually, thank you very much.
Secondly I was not “officially” with Remi back when the nakedness occurred in Joe’s pool. Joe is JUST a friend. Behave, Joe.
Lastly, I was not getting picked up on in a bookstore. I was waiting around for Remi while she got her hair cut and Kim struck up a friendly conversation with me. That’s it.
Sorry there’s nothing more sordid to share.
Haha wow, I didn’t realize your readers got so invested in the other comments. OK. Noted.
I have to defend Sasha and say that she did not flirt with me at all and talked about her gf the whole time. But I should be honest and say that I would have totally tried to get a date with her if she had been single. Fuck that, if she had even been willing, with or without a ring on her finger. But she wasn’t. She was a perfect lady and a faithful girlfriend, unfortunately. lol
Behave?? Sasha you know better then to ask the impossible of moi.
BTW tell me it isn’t so. Were you down here and didn’t stop by to say hello? I’m hurt.
Really hurt.
I think you need to make it up to me.
Don’t worry, I’ll think of someway you can.
My friends say I have OCD, I say it’s attention to detail. Anyhoo did anyone else notice where Kim wrote in her comment, “Fuck that, if she had even been willing, with or without a ring on her finger.”
Uhem ….. WHAT RING???!!!!
Sasha you have been very bad about blogging lately and you better fill us in on what ring she’s talking about.
Why did I feel this post was for me?? hmmm or maybe I’m getting a big ego.Any I think I go for the more myspace meting thing.Craglist scares me.
But since I live in a town where all the gay women are in hiding I usually connect on the internet.
hopefully I can visit cali or NYC when I go on my internships, for actually seeing a thriving gay cutler…..
Hi Sasha,
Just wanted to let you know that your blog always puts a smile on my face (LOVE the drama!), and this post is my favorite. I’m recently out only to myself and a couple of close friends, and didn’t really know how to get beyond this sense of, “Okay, What Now?!?!”
Your blog has meant a lot to me during the tumultuous months of questioning my sexuality and finally admitting to myself that I am gay, and this post in particular really spoke to me.
Thank you and I look forward to more of your writing!
Sasha, I love your blog. Im 22 and on the fence but incredibly curious and have always had a thing for pretty women. I really would like to meet women, but Im not really sure how. I would love to go to a gay club, but dont want to go by myself and I doubt my straight friends would be willing to come. Any suggestions?
Where are you from? Is it a secret? 🙂
Kicker
I just stumbled across this post while poking around on the internet. I am from a conservative background (read: I just started dating a girl which means I am no longer a Bible study leader in my Baptist Church where all my friends are from) and it seems like you were writing to me. I never met another lesbian except my girlfriend (I met her online) (or met a gay guy since acknowledging my own sexuality). I feel like the world is upside down and everyone I might have something in common with speaks a language I don’t know. But I can’t take any of your advice for “newbies”. I’m pretty sure my town doesn’t have a gay bar, coffee shop, etc. and if I ordered or bought a book about that my mom would find out and ground me (I’m 25 btw but she’d try anyway). The town I am moving to start my PhD in the fall is in the south, conservative, and I have been warned (by my mom of course) that if anyone finds out my preferences I will have a hard time graduating and getting anything published. I think I will keep reading your blog, it has at least enlightened me to the difference between butch and femme. I think my girlfriend and I are both femme though. She has been out for a while and I don’t understand half of what she says in this area but I am a bit embarrassed to ask too often. So thanks for writing blogs to lost Newbies.
I know this is an old post but, I figured this is the correct spot for such a comment. I have just recently started watching “The L Word”…on video. Yeah, I know go figure! What’s wrong with me? Long story! However, it’s been a few weeks now since starting the series and I’ve kicked myself many times in those few weeks for waiting so long to see it. OMG! It is GOOD! But, getting back to the series…this is the most amazing, heartfelt reflection of ME/community/a lesbian…that I have ever seen or felt in a long time. And, at this point, the character Jenny is the most interesting to me by far. Jenny’s character (sooo my type) seems so down-to-earth…not anything like Franchesca…(sooo not my type). And Shane is outrageous! lol. This is so awesome!!!
Sasha, this comment is not meant to take anything away from your wonderful news, of course!! You already know how I feel about that!
Mucho, mucho amo! Mi amiga!
I need advice. I’m not sure what I am. I had a dream about me and this girl making out. It was fun in the dream. I want to live with a girl but couldn’t this mean I’m bi? I have a crush on a real guy and a guy from this show called House M.D. what should I do?
its the horrible curse most of us have. I always fall for my close female friends. Its always hard to deal with.
“Because being in love with your straight best friend is no way to live.”- SOOO true!!!! For years my “painful” history but genuinely wonderful frienship has/is Crush continues…sigh (especially since she just broke up w her boyfriend).
Thank you so much for writing this! As a newly-out lesbian, I’ve been having a bit of trouble adjusting.
Here’s my article on Persephone Magazine dealing with the same sorta issue!
http://persephonemagazine.com/2013/04/29/not-gay-enough/