How can I look Gayer? Yep. GAYER.
Women are the most delicious thing on this planet. I just can’t tell you how proud I am to be an out lesbian in LA.
Since I’ve come out, not just to my friends and family, but to myself I’ve really struggled with my place in this world. As I’m sure most if not all LGBT people do. I’d be lying if I said that the internal struggle was a thing of the past and that I’m totally sure of who I am in every aspect of my being. I think that’s a life time process of growing and evolving. But within the constraints of this single blog I’m referring to my identity as a lesbian woman living in Los Angeles.
I mention my location because it seems to me that your environment plays a rather large role in who you become and how you see yourself. Not wanting to get into a nature vs. nurture argument with anyone, I’m simply saying that growing up in a liberal, gay friendly town where it’s practically hip to be gay is probably a lot easier than growing up in a small town in Utah. Where in recent years a gay owned bookstore was burned to the ground and it’s owners were told to get out of town. So living in Los Angeles has it’s perks for sure. But even under the dim lights of gay and lesbian bars across LA, everyone has their own story.
One thing that bothers me on almost a daily basis is my inability to set off anyone’s gaydar. I mean literally, I can be at a lesbian bar, with all my lesbian friends and if by some miracle someone actually talks to me, it’s usually the straight man who brought his bi-curious wife out for a night of “let’s trick a lesbian into a threesome.” Once every million years or so a girl will come up and talk to me and even then she’ll eventually say, “So, you’re bi right?”
What? No! I’m not bi. I’m not straight. I don’t need every bouncer at every gay bar I go to look at me and say, “Um you know it’s a lesbian bar right?” No kidding? Really? Because I thought I came out on a Wednesday night because that’s when all the hot men with real dicks came out to play! What the hell???
Everyone always complains about being stereotyped and labeled. But I’ll admit that I wish I was a little more “stereotypical” or whatever the politically incorrect word would be for what I’m trying to say. Basically, I wish I looked gayer. Yes, I said it, GAYER.
Literally on my way to Girl Bar. Apparently this is as gay as I get.
I realize that a lot of lipstick femme girls don’t look gay. But a lot of them also have visible tattoos or body piercings or they just have something that sets them apart in some way. Maybe it’s just an attitude that shines through. I really don’t know.
I’m proud to be gay. I’m proud of who I am and what I stand for. But I just wish that what was on the inside was a bit easier to detect on the outside. It’s a bit discouraging when you walk down the street and people constantly think you’re something other than you are. I guess I don’t have any right to complain, it’s not like people are throwing rocks at me. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s hard no matter who you are or what you look like. So never assume that this girl or that girl has it made in the shade. She might just be sitting under there because no one will talk to her … because she looks so damn straight.
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I’m sympathetic to the trials and tribulations of proving ones gayness, but I always have fun with it. While I do have visual tattoos and at one point in my young coming out phase had short spiky hair (yup, gasp) I find it increasingly hard for some to swallow even still. I personally think I scream lesbian, and that when I open my mouth a rainbow carabiner falls out (Jeanine will love that reference). But I guess that’s the inner attitude shining through. And despite my NEVER having slept with a man, no matter how bright my Gold Star status shines, some people just don’t think it’s possible. That’s fine, what’s better than telling a truth that can potentially hurt you in many ways, and having someone not believe it? My conscious is clear, AND I don’t deal with the repercussions.
Next can we talk about how weird it is to BE gay, and have no gaydar?
Hahahahahahahahaha *sigh* a rainbow carabiner. Who knew that of all things, it was my uninteresting carabiner that thrusted me (no pun intended) over to the Obviously Lesbian category.
Amen to that!
Often, I’ll see a cute, obviously dykey girl, or a less obvious one with a gay sticker on her computer or her bag, and think “ARGH, why can’t I have a sign over my head?” Unfortunately, I’ve never lived anywhere with an actual lesbian bar, so I don’t know how I’d fare in such an environment, but in the world at large it’s impossible to tell. I’m not even super femmey (my clothing of style involves a jacket and tie) but I feel like I just need that little extra push. I keep trying to get a super-gay haircut, but my stylist is the kind of woman who keeps tempering my ideas by saying “this will look cute.” Yes, indeed, that’s what I was afraid of.
I spent a long time working up the courage to come out. My biggest fear was my friends and family not accepting me. Funny thing was, when I came out my friends and family really had no problem accepting me and my lack of penis desire, however I immediately felt rejected by the community I felt I belonged to. Granted it was a small town, but every time I went out to gay bars or gay nights I felt like an outsider and it wasn’t because people didn’t think I was gay. I mentioned to another lesbian my observation and she suggested, with genuine concern, I dress and act a little more the part. All I remember thinking was are you fucking kidding me? I just spent years pretending to be something I wasn’t to fit in! I thought I was out, but apparently I wasn’t in.
For all I know the lesbians who gave me dirty looks and made bitchy comments were simply angry because I seemed to be able to fit into “straight” society. I wasn’t automatically labeled on sight. Who knows. And I have to admit, I then created my own bias, without even realizing it, against them. But it is important to remember, in any situation one experience is neither harder nor easier than any other, it’s just that, an experience.
Maybe this would have made more sense on your other blog about femmes because I agree with both you and Maggie. I think my point is, it is important to realize that sometimes we, maybe even without meaning to, discriminate against each other because of our own shitty experiences. It’s not each other we should be judging, it’s all the a-holes who think character and worth is based on whether or not you like dick.
The “I’m a Lesbian” T-shirt seems to be working for me, lol. 😉
Another thought……
The t-shirt doesn’t really mesh well with the formal gear, lol.
I might need to rethink that :p
Oooh, I wonder if I can get one in sequins….. a little gay girl blingage 🙂
I’ll be quiet now, lol.
You don’t need to look “gayer” you’re perfect the way you are. I look Gay and I don’t date women who look like me. I date women who look like women. Which last time I checked looked most women are trying to look like you so be quite and just be a good little girl. Don’t act like a brat going around complaining about being to pretty. That’s bullshit.
I have the same problem. I’m just getting into college and i look like the straightest heteroy boy-lover ever. i love my long hair but i’m thinking about cutting it for and edgier look or getting a tattoo (of ” I’M GAY” on my forehead… it might help).
But i’m not out to my parents so i don’t want to do anything condeming yet and i feel like dressing gayer is more work for my daily routine than i’m willing to do. i have a tie and when i wear it out i get looks from girls but still more from guys.
I just look high fashion or something when all i want is to be obviously gay so i can meet more LGBT
HELP!
I’m in high school and I know I look kind of gay, but not so gay that someone who didn’t know me would immediately make the assumption. My girlfriend, on the other hand, is this drop-dead-gorgeous latina, who appears to the rest of the world to be straight as could be. This means that I get to watch boy after boy make advances on her. FUN! The fact that she’s sort of still a closet case doesn’t help much, either…
im 19 yr old lesbian coming out in utah haha.
I’ve never had sex with a boy. i’ve always known i couldnt stand dick, and when i made out with a boy, i was either bored out of my mind or hated it every time for every second, so i definitely wasn’t going to have sex with a guy. i just never really knew until this summer, that I really happened to like girls!
over the passed 6 or 7 months, thinking back over the passed 4 years, thinking i just havent found mr. perfect… putting pieces together, really discovering myself.. i realize i am a big yoga doing, tea-drinking homo.
We, of course could look more gay if we really wanted to wear lesbian haircut no. 22, etc. But I say we need to be more accepting of diversity within our community, and femmes (like me on the outside, anyway) need to keep being who we are. I like what you said in another spot: since 1 in 4 is in some way attracted to their same sex, we all should assume everyone is potentially gay.