High femme vs Stone Femme: one interpretation
There are countless ways to define the femme identity/gender and as many ways for each woman to express it in her own way. But for the purpose of this single blog I will define these two versions as such:
High Femme: a femme lesbian who is ultra feminine in her appearance and behavior. May chose to only date butch women. Plays the passive role in the bedroom i.e., she is the one fucked, never the one doing the fucking.
Stone Femme: a femme lesbian that may appear to be an ultra femme in her appearance but expresses butch attributes in bed and may not allow her lovers to fuck her at all. Leaving all the seeming power securely in her capable hands.
Or she may allow herself to be fucked by her partners but never allows them to actually touch her where it counts. Emotionally, intimately, at her core, to break down the walls she’s so skillfully erected over time.
She’s figured out a way to expose her body and hide her heart in her nudity. Her sexuality has become a weapon, not a weakness. She understands that when they’re looking at her body they’re not really looking at her at all. So she’s able to hide in plain sight, to hide in full view, naked and aroused but untouched where it really counts.
A Stone Femme can wield her power over her lover and make her lover feel as if they’re the one in control. She’s strong enough to give up control of her body to someone else, because she knows that they’ll never control anything else about her.
Her lover may dominate her in bed but her lover will never really know her. She only sees what the Stone Femme allows her to see. Even tears are carefully placed props. What seemed like vulnerability was anything but.
Be careful if you know a Stone Femme. Chances are you do, but you don’t realize it. Stone Femmes are mistresses of disguise. Oscar worthy actresses and brilliant chameleons. They’ll be the girl of your dreams and your best friend. They’ll adapt to their environment without even trying, all those years of surviving have molded them into experts at blending in while standing out.
They can do and become anything you need them to be. Anything to keep you at arms distance, but no further. Tied to them through lust and desire but constantly pushing you away with ambiguity and neurosis.
There’s something about them you can’t get enough of. They’re addictive and dangerous yet something about them makes you want to save them. When you hold her body in your arms, the softness of her curves makes her feel vulnerable. When you look into her eyes, behind the long dark lashes you mistakenly think you see weakness. Something in her that needs to be protected.
You’re only half wrong. There’s no weakness left in her but she does need to be saved. From herself more than anything. But she’s made of stone and there’s no way you or anyone else can chip away at it. She’s a Stone Femme. It’s taken her whole life to make her that way. It’ll take a lot more than artful fucking to save her from herself. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
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Look woman. Sounds like you need a stone butch to break down that stone femme facade you’ve got going on. I’m here for you if your ready for the real thing. Stop wasting your time and mine. Email me and I’ll tell you who this is, if you cant figure it out on your own, baby gurl.
Who said I was talking about myself? Looks like wishful thinking on your part, “Dream cum true”
damn. stone femme huh? is it wrong of me to identify w/ that term? now u got me thinking A LOT
OMG I am having an epiphany!!! Amazing… Thank you so much for this article. I am loving this day of sorting through my over active brain.
Just realized that I was a Stone Femme with men!!! I am not this way at all with my Butch Woman of 11 years. Complete stark differences between the two. Yes it takes years to make a Stone Femme but only a moment to break into her heart with the right person to uncover the Alpha Femme inside. Well maybe a few more moments than one, in our case it took several years for me to learn to trust anyone with the tenderest parts of me and they were not on the outside. Now that she has entered the walls of my heart, I am hopelessly in love with her, completely not only in body but mind also.
After reading this article, I actually feel sorry for the men I have been with. Perhaps it was because I could not give my heart away but the body was easy, powerful and in control at all times but never vulnerable even when they thought I was. Was I or am I a bad person? Dunno just is/was. Sigh……….
Interesting thought, I was accused of “playing with the Lesbians hearts” years ago because I was with a woman and a Husband at the same time. This comment came from a Stone Butch who probably unconciously recognized what I did not understand until this moment but with a twist. What she did not know is that it was the Man’s heart that was being played with. I feel like such a horrible person right now that I realize what I was actually doing. Self discovery is not always pleasant but necessary. Again, thank you for the article.
That’s interesting that you use that definition of Stone Femme, like in reverse of Stone Butch. As some Stone butches do not like to be touched on their private parts, but also do not open up emotionally (some definately not all). And stone femme as one who allows touching physically, but not emotionally. I ID as stone femme, though for me the definition is just that I do not desire to touch another woman or go down on her without a strap-on attached. This makes me perfect for stone butches, though not the ones that don’t open up emotionally…I open up emotionally, physically, completely.
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Thanks for the infos. It is so true for every single point you mentioned here. It speaks my identity. I can’t find the exact term to define my mannerism until i read this blog about Stone Femme. I’m not alone 🙂
Very insightful!
Great post. Found it looking for info on high femme (I’m starting to do drag) but the description of stone femme is so much more appealing. Me to a T.
finally I can get some rest
I can admit this: I am a stone femme.
This describes me to a T, and personally I don’t mind. I like the way I am and I like the way I can be anything and make people see what they want to see. I can force people to love me, to hate me or to respect me to the point they can barely look at me.
Some people might say that’s a problem, but right now in my life, relationships are the last thing on my mind.
Being a stone femme helps me to move ahead with my dreams and aspirations without worrying about other people. It lets me create my own world and allows me to be strong enough to control it.
Anyway, that’s my two cents.
– Cal.
Gosh, you just described my ex. wish I had read this earlier…
great article btw…
“It’ll take a lot more than artful fucking to save her from herself. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.”
Is there any other way to be saved?I really would prefer stop doing what I am doing to butches in my life. I feel like a monster… And I really would like to be able to love with my whole heart without the panic of running away.
Therapy, therapy…
wow,
now i can understand ME. I couldn’t figure myself out till now. Again…wow!
What I want to know is how to spot a stone femme, ( or butch for that matter) , since there seems to be sooooooooooooooooooo many. ( like 90% of the lesbian population) Because for the other 10% , it can be such a devastating harrowing experience, and if I fall in love with one more, I’ll go from having lost 70% of my hair from the distress to all of it to 100% and I don’t think bald will go really well on me. I wish I was exaggerating.
Tips please!!
Stone femme’s come to me like bees to honey, and it almost cost my life this time.
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I have stone tendencies of the second definition. It’s something I would love to be otherwise, but only for the right person. It doesn’t help when heart break makes you retreat even more, but I’m trying to overcome my past ways and take more leaps of faith. -Kanyeshrug- I haven’t found anyone yet, so only time will tell if I’m making real progress when it comes to practice instead of theory.
Yikes. This is me.
I read this in such a awe… i can relate to the stone femme… wow
Wow- this piece you wrote speaks to me. I am 24 and came out as a lesbian 3 years ago and have always been attracted to the more “boyish” girls. My girlfriend, who is a soft butch gold-star lesbian, before me had never been fucked…always DONE the fucking. Until she met me…
I am that girl that looks straight as can be, I model and am very appealing to men. However, although I enjoy feeling a butch’s weight upon me and her tossing me around (so to speak)…there’s not much else I love more than tasting/feeling her true softness.
Thanks for writing about us “Stone Femmes”…I’m glad we’re considered such a rare species 😉
WOW. I’m a bit late to this blog (and to acknowledging who I am….just waking up and coming out at 42). This explains my WHOLE LIFE. This is how I was with men, and how I kept myself closeted even to myself for all these years. How I could be ‘wild’ and exciting in bed, even though I was bored and disinterested, fantasizing about women, yet with my partner believing I was fully there. At 42 – no bragging here, I’m actually embarrassed by this – I’ve been married 3 times, engaged 2 more times, and have had over 90 marriage proposals. No, I didn’t have sex with most of those men – in fact, oftentimes I didn’t even realize that we were dating. They would suddenly propose – they thought I was an ice princess, hard to get, hard to win, and that proposing was the only way to ‘get’ this ‘lady.’
The truth is, I’m a great listener….and never reveal anything about myself. When they would open up about themselves endlessly, they would eventually fall in love with me. But it was empty – they didn’t know me at all, only the reflection I gave back as I listened. It was the only self-defense mechanism possible for a girly girl who was so domesticated by our society and by a very oppressive family dynamic that I couldn’t admit to myself that it was only women I was drawn to. I would lie to myself, convince myself that the reason I looked at women when entering a room, rather than men, was to ‘assess the competition’; when I watched a woman during porn, I convinced myself I was simply being a voyeur and imagining she was me; I had this hugely constructed cathedral of lies I told myself, to avoid acknowledging that I’m not even ‘bi’ but actually quite, quite gay. And men – always there, always asking you out – how was there even room to explore anything otherwise? That and the chronic pressure of family and society – wow! No room or space to even begin to understand who and what it was about. So….isolating my true self within a block of stone was the ONLY way to protect myself. No one could get to ME….not even me, until recently.
When I finally ‘woke up’ I realized….I have only EVER been attracted to women. If I thought I was attracted to a man at any time, it was simply, “Ah, I guess THIS ONE is the lesser of these here evils…” (when assessing the others I had to choose from).
Now…the whole world seems different. I apologize for rambling….this is only 3 weeks new, but I feel like a weight has been lifted, and like I am free for the first time in my life. And then….I stumble upon this, and it brings clarity to my relationships with men, and how I could seem so beguiling and interested, when I was so clearly otherwise. ANd why it was so important to appear that way – to protect my inner core self.
Thank you for listening, lovelies!
Create an amazing day for yourself!
That’s the saddest thing I’ve read all day.
I can’t help but think there are alot of damaged women all about me.
WOW…. Thats me as well…. I always tell people dont fall for me, just having a good time. And they always fall. When I break it off they never go away. And I fill my time with other girls. There is something about being able to seduce someone and have them lust after me. And me just being able to walk away….. I would like to not be this way. I want a long term, forever in my life relationship.
But I run away, every time. 🙁
Been looking for ages to find a write up that I could share with friends and family about who I am beyond the label lesbian and I have now found it. Thank you so much! Now off to go read the rest of this site 🙂 xx
That’s me, through & through. =/ Wish I’d heard about this when I was younger.
Labels labels labels. Ugh. It used to be just femme & butch….so simple & comforting. A couple of sub genres could be rational, but now I feel like people are creating extra sub genres just to feel important. Next it’ll be “highest femme” or “Queen femme” meaning “I have slightly more Stilettos in my closet than you; slightly more accessories than you; wearing a pound more makeup on my face than you;” . Looking down at my shiny fushia glitter nails, I guess I’d consider myself “just” femme. I own skirts, dresses, heels,makeup, jeans, T’s, Vans (love them btw). While I do wear feminine things sometimes, I know at the same time I can’t live without comfortable jeans and Vans shoes. I feel like high femmes present a facade, an unrealistic view of women in general. I’m referring to the ones who are so afraid of doing anything that seems slightly masculine that they can sometimes come off as Stepford Wife-ish. And the ones who spend hours putting on their “face” daily, making sure that they are picture perfect, prim & proper. I mean, what’s wrong with being a strong, ass kicking woman? Maybe it’s just a personal gripe I have with extremes. I take issue with women who are extremely feminine (ok with being dainty & fragile) and men who are extremely masculine (chest beating, patriarchal views) because I feel like they’re presenting a prehistoric view on what it means to be a man or a woman. What’s so bad about evoking both qualities?
@LiquidDiamonds (love the name, btw). I half agree with you. Sort of. Differences are only wrong, when someone thinks their “unique” quality is better than anyone else’s. We can have our preferences, however, and if you aren’t attracted to females who dress like a “tranny”, that’s your perogative. You did not come off as judgemental, really, but it came close to it. I consider myself feminine, but dress for the occasion. If it’s a special one, I don the dress, heels, nails, makeup, and accessories that are typically “high femme”. If I’m just lazing around the house, then anything that is old and comfy will do, the more worn the better. I don’t wear makeup around the house either, and barefoot is my option. Does this make me any less feminine? No. I am not really into labels, but I don’t deny other people the right to appy them to themselves. If they want to be the Queen Femme of Royal Order, then I’m glad for them. Anyone seen my scepter?
hi all readers hi sasha just read about stone femme and without a doubt thats my girlfriend just have you have described but like you said we should never give up on them because i wouldnt my girlfriend she is what she is and together we are who we are but sometimed it can be tough and it can hurt but if its what love is then its ok but would love some advice sasha on how to chip away at my stone feeme girlfreind just so we can get a little closer xxx thankyou love this blog
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