Hard Femmes
As you can see by the post date on this, it’s another one I pulled from the archives and I wrote this long before the Real L Word. So this has nothing to do with Whitney being called a hard femme. I have no idea how they meant that on the show.
Since butch women are my current obsession, so to speak I’ve been thinking about the differences between butch and femme. What those labels imply, what it means to be either or both or neither in many cases. I’ve heard from a lot of women on both sides of the table and I have to tell you that I feel as if I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole. This is a seemingly endless topic with offshoots that lead to unexpected places to ponder, discuss and in some cases cause oneself to totally rethink certain preconceived notions.
It’s impossible to blog just once on this topic. So I guess I’ll just take it one little step at a time.
Earlier today my mother, bless her heart, who is trying with all her might to be the most supportive and cool mom any dyke could ask for was questioning me about the topic on hand. The discussion got to a point where I heard myself saying, “From my own experience the women I know that identify as butch are actually the softest, most gentle women I know in a lot of ways. While on the other hand, the femme looking ones, myself included have a very hard side to our personalities.”
Which made me wonder about this and then I read a few emails and comments left by several butch women. They all expressed a similar feeling of just being born that way, not feeling as if they had too much choice in the matter. This was just the way they are, they didn’t know why and it hurts them that others sometimes discriminate against them for it.
It dawned on me that maybe the softness, for lack of a better word I see in the butch women I know comes from the fact that they live their lives in a very vulnerable state. They don’t really blend in, they either can’t or don’t hide who or what they are and they should never be made to feel that they should. But what I’m saying is that they just sort of put themselves out there. For better or worse, they’re more vulnerable in some ways than a femme.
Here, let me try to illustrate my point. As a femme woman myself I have grown up very aware of the affect my body and sexuality has on men. I grew up well aware that beautiful women get by easier in this world. So I played the game with the best of them. I learned how to feel comfortable with that and I think a lot of women do.
It’s almost like a femme woman gets up in the morning and she puts on makeup/warpaint. Like a woman preparing for war she puts on her armor/wonder bra. She dresses in whichever way will benefit her and throw her opponent off his game a bit. Maybe that means high heels, sexy business suits or whatever. But she knows there’s a game to play and even if she doesn’t like it, she’s still in the game the minute she walks out of her front door. So she dons her public persona …. a feminine ideal, carefully calculated to help her navigate her way through a male dominated world. If we can’t hide our feminine wiles, we might as well use them when it suits us.
Looking at myself and my friends I can see that we all have a very definite image we present to the world. While we are very feminine and attractive we like to think of ourselves as cold hearted and maybe even ruthless when necessary. It’s almost as if the softer a woman looks, the harder she’s become along the way.
A beautiful woman doesn’t go through life without constant sexual harassment coupled with being underestimated on a daily basis. This causes callouses of sorts that result in a very dangerous product: A beautiful woman that’s capable of anything to get what she wants.
So while femme women maybe able to hide parts of themselves behind the makeup and pretty clothes. Our butch counterparts could be seen as more exposed for who they really are. Femmes are able to “pass” in straight society, hardly having to face any prejudice from ignorant strangers. While perhaps other women do have to endure injustice and in some cases physical harm for what they look like.
All I’m saying is that whatever this whole “Butch/Femme” thing is, whether it’s about looks, style, gender or roles … it doesn’t really matter because when you get to the heart of it, what you’ll really find is the heart of a woman.
In my humble opinion the hearts of femmes may be harder than you might think so be careful of lip gloss wielding women, we’re more trouble than you might expect. 😉
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I’m always surprised by how much people still focus on butch/femme, as myself and all my lesbian friends identify as neither, unless forced. I tend to wear men’s dress clothes, have short hair, and never wear makeup, but I don’t look at all “butch.” I’m attracted to “tomboy” girls, but they’re often petite and have very feminine features. I was reading a lesbian sex manual the other day and surprised by how many of the women quoted had fantasies specifically of being dominated by a butch woman. There wasn’t a single quote by someone who enjoyed being “on bottom” but didn’t have any interest in sucking a dildo or male-identified women. Not that there’s anything wrong with that fantasy, but I’m just wondering, am I the only one out there like me? Are there even any “toppy” women who *aren’t* butch?
Judith… I’m afraid to admit it, but….. even though I appear to be the “man” of the couple with my girlfriend, which is pretty girly in nature, when it comes to the *clears throat* on-goings of the bedroom, I am very much a submissive. Very much a bottom. In fact I will not “top” my gf unless she asks me too, but then really…. if she tells me to do so.. isnt it SHE that is still in control??
I’ve read this a few times now and I have to agree with the following:
“While we are very feminine and attractive we like to think of ourselves as cold hearted and maybe even ruthless when necessary. It’s almost as if the softer a woman looks, the harder she’s become along the way.”
It’s true. At least for me.
I’ve had to adapt to my environment. Much like survival of the fittest. I know I have most of the men in my world beaten hands down in the brains/success department. Seriously, I kick ass, LOL. BUT….I have to fight for every inch. The long established boys club is a tough nut to crack, especially when you’re reasonably attractive and feminine. There are times when you have to pull out the big guns!! (I don’t mean I whip out the breastesses) You use what you have to make them do what you want. This means you think like a man to beat him at his own game.
For most of us femme girlies…..this is a way of life. In work and out. We deal with unwanted advances. We dodge the sexual innuendo. We learn preemptive maneuvers to avoid sticky situations. If we cant avoid, we deal. It does tend to make you cold hearted.
But that’s life eh? We all have our own cross to bare. LoL. 😉
Butch women are more vulnerable than femmes? Beautiful women get by easier in this world? Femme women have the ability to hide behind clothes and makeup while butch women are more exposed for who they really are? Femmes are able to “pass”…hardly having to face any prejudice?
I’m having mixed emotions, I can’t even figure out where to begin. First let me say there is NO right or wrong in this situation, and everyone is different with different experiences and personalities. Which is precisely why you find yourself in a theoretical rabbit hole.
I think it’s incredibly unfair to think anyone is any more ANYTHING over the other. I feel you took away the Femme struggles. I may make it look easy at this point, but it took practice. We have all (your Femme friends) worked incredibly hard to get where we are. It’s not fair for you to say that because we LOOK a certain way, it was easier for us. We don’t put one persona out there because it helps us “pass”, we are who we are and that’s what you see.
This Butch/Femme crap is a slippery, I’m taking the Bunny Slope.
Maggie, don’t get me wrong. I know that we have all had a HARD time getting where we are. I wasn’t trying to speak for you or any of the other girls… and like I said, this is a HUGE topic that is endless because every woman is going to have her own story. Each woman’s story is as valid as the next. I wasn’t trying to say that femmes lead an EASY life. I know from my own life it’s NOT. But I do think that if we had to walk down the street among a crowd of narrow minded bigots, we would just “pass” by them without any trouble, unless we’re kissing another girl right in front of them. Mean while I’m hearing stories from butch women about how men will actively instigate fights with them on the street.
Look, I know that none of us (our little group) try to look this way. It’s just who we are. That’s part of my point. But I really do see that there is a difference, whether we want it or not, in some situations. Not all, but SOME.
Also, it effin’ pisses me off to think of any lesbian or gay man getting singled out for what they look like, dress or act. I wish to God that would happen when I’m around. Because I wouldn’t be able to let that happen. But you know what? It doesn’t happen to me and that’s probably because I “LOOK” straight. I think it’s bullshit. No doubt.
Oh gawd ,… this really could go on forever. So I’m going to stop myself.
But let me reiterate: I was NEVER trying to take anything away from femmes. We all, as gay women have our work cut out for us. Everyone’s path is different. We all face hard challenges and I would never say that one group doesn’t. But to say that the world is blind to what we look like on the outside would be kidding ourselves.
Also, this was just my own observation. I’m sort of thinking out loud and learning along the way. I’m grateful whenever anyone makes their opinions known. We need to learn from each other so that together we can be stronger against the hate that IS out there, whether we want to see it or not.
i can understand and relate to this post. i gave up trying to be the high femme (for me) charade in my late 20s, partly because of the going-into-battle feeling it gave me. part of me felt good about looking good (tho i never was a sexpot), but part of me felt like i was being competitive and manipulative.
you may also be spot-on about the character analyzation of butch women. very interesting!
I love how you worded this. And while I think femmes can walk down the street with less incident, men just really hate women in general. Because regardless whether they are making fun of us for being butch and/or being us up, or making fun of you for being something they can objectify and possibly rape, the result is still the same. Men think women are shit and think themselves superior. Anyone who thinks any different is only putting her head in the sand. But I love that you can appreciate our struggle while setting yours aside for awhile. If we all recognized each others’ struggles more often then maybe we wouldn’t be so divided amongst ourselves.
I completely self ID as butch. It is very obvious by my appearance that I am butch. I am not a ‘soft’ butch, ‘tomboy’, ‘tomboi’, or ‘boi’. I am a grown ass BUTCH WOMAN in her full. Butch women suffer discrimination in the straight world. Femme women suffer discrimination in the queer world. Femme women often feel ‘invisibile’ to both worlds.
Butch/Femme is a real phenomenon. It is not for everyone. But it is real, we are real, we exist and we deserve the same respect any other human being deserves. I get VERY tired of the butch bashing that goes on in hetero and homo circles.
Here is what I have observed – Those of us who ID as butch/femme have tolerance for others under the broad queer umbrella who ID in other ways. But those who claim to prefer NO labels, do NOT offer us the same courtesy.
@ Deb I agree with your well written comment. There is discrimination everywhere. Even on CCL. Once I read all the comments here I was pissed at one in particular- seems that certain people (please note that I am not referring to you) can write certain things and no one cares or maybe their words even get supported or at least not “called out” on and then someone else writes something similar but NO where near as “bad” an interpretation and she gets torn apart for what she wrote. Yes there is discrimination on every level everywhere and it really sucks. And yes Deb (being considered a “femme” -though I am definitely not totally “girly” and having beyond total respect for butch and for everyone in the gay community- my brother is gay as well) I agree with your “Butch women suffer discrimination in the straight world. Femme women suffer discrimination in the queer world. Femme women often feel ‘invisibile’ to both worlds.” Anyhow, I don’t feel much like commenting but just had to say something. I am just SO fucking over everything! I am so over this thing called “life” whatever the hell that is??? (I am usually not this “negative pants” but……..)
I reread the comments that I was referring to – the one on this thread and the other one on another thread that I personally got totally torn apart for (yes it was a long time ago but I am in such a deep depression that the TOTAL inequality of speech understandably pissing me off) – and yeah, fuck it I am TOTALLY over everything. I am so over life! FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jazmenha, I am sorry to read that you’re feeling this way. 🙁 Fuck everything indeed, it’s okay to just let it out since it’s not about a right or wrong, it’s about feeling.
And I also read the origin of your name, and I love the creativity behind it (I can’t remember the original blog you posted it on ATM, so I thought I’d just note it here).