Femme vs. Butch …. shouldn’t it be Butch + Femme?
What I’ve noticed when I talk to most lesbians is that they have a strong opinion on butch women. Maybe it’s just because we’re in LA, where the cultural idea of femininity is not only abundant, it’s extreme. If you doubt what I’m saying just look around at all the silicone walking around on two toothpicks and you’ll see my point.
But as lesbian women shouldn’t we be able to see beyond the standards that pop culture sets out for us? Shouldn’t we be able to define and than embody whatever ideal we see fit for our lives and if we wish to say that it fits under the umbrella of femininity, than so be it. Who’s to say otherwise?
Until recently all of the women that I’ve dated have been very typical “lipstick femme” as far as appearance goes. But as I continue to learn about myself , who I want to be and in turn who I want to be with, I’ve noticed myself noticing a lot more women who didn’t really fit into the “femme” category. They were more tombois, sporty, butch.
What surprised me wasn’t that I was attracted to them, it was some of my friends comments about it. No one said anything overtly critical but it was the way they said it, “You like butch women?”
Their reaction was always strong enough that I’m ashamed to say the first few times this happened I didn’t stand up for myself. But instead shrank back, afraid that my preferences might get me ousted from the inner circle. I found myself back peddling, “Um …. no … I don’t know …. well … um …. I mean, she’s not really butch, she’s sporty.” Looking at my friends faces for their approval or disapproval at my obvious digression from the groups norm I was relieved when they would just drop it and move on.
But the more I think about it and the more women I meet, I realize that yes, I am attracted to women that others may classify as butch. I still find certain femmes attractive but I take each person on an individual basis.
Armed with this recent self-realization I spoke to one of my closest friends about it. To my surprise and relief she was completely supportive and not the least bit judgmental. Which leads me to wonder if I overreacted to my friends earlier comments. Maybe what I perceived as judgment and disapproval was simply surprise for my breaking from routine.
So while I may have underestimated my friends and their ability to accept others. I stand by my earlier statement that overall there seems to be a bit of stigma, or prejudice against the butch identity from a lot of femmes here in LA. I’m working on a theory about it and so far all I have is this: I think that a lot of femmes have preconceived ideas about butch women and there’s a lot they don’t understand.
I also think that there’s a lot those girls may be missing by overlooking our strong, butch counterparts. Don’t get me wrong, taste is just about as individual as it gets. I’m all for going for whatever rocks your boat and if that happens to be two femmes rowing than cool beans. But there’s also something to be said for reaching outside of your comfort zone and seeing what happens. Exciting things have been known to happen out there. 🙂
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Mhmmm… love me a butch. And I’m glad I don’t live in LA.
I like to look at real people. LOL
Come down to San Diego…. the culture and overall lesbian community seems completely different than LA. A “sporty” girl myself, I venture up to LA every now and a then to google all the Femmes. SD seems to have a more skater/boyish feel to the lesbian community with very few strictly Femme ladies. Come down and visit for a change!!! 🙂
Thank you for recognizing MY open mind on the subject. As I said to you, I find butch women fascinating, and one of my closest friends is butch.
You say “I think that a lot of femmes have preconceived ideas about butch women and there’s a lot they don’t understand.” I think the same can be said about the preconceived ideas towards femmes, but that’s for another blog.
Certain people are afraid of anyone different than them, others need to apply labels to everyone in order to feel more comfortable – another form of being afraid of the unknown.
ALL of this is what gave me the idea for my tattoo that says Miscellaneous.
I’ve heard really good things about the LGBT community in San Diego. Maybe I need a little road trip soon :0
… and yes word it was Maggie that was supportive and open minded. Thank you MAGGIE 🙂 … happy? lol
Sasha! I’m scared to death that your “judgmental friends” somehow includes me… so I think it’s really important that I respond (defend) myself: First, we’ve been friends for quite some time now, and I’m sure that you noticed when you met all of us that we are all 1) very attractive (and femme looking) :-D, and 2) that we did not possess the typical femme mentalities or personalities.
The reason we all connected and became friends is because we aren’t typical. None of us attached ourselves to a perceived notion of what we should look like or how we should act. We all simply dressed and acted in a manner that felt right and good to each of us individually. To break it down further (and speaking only on my behalf), I LOOK like a femme… but how fair is it to assume that because I look like a femme, I AM ACTUALLY A FEMME? Most everything about my mentality, personality, behavior, hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc. is much better described as BUTCH… and I’m happy to identify as butch, and joke around about it all the time. So… do you really think that given my own generally unidentifiable status, I would preemptively discriminate against butch women? I can admit that it’s rare that I find myself attracted to a butch woman, but it HAS happened in the past. I totally respect anyone as long as they’re true to themselves… so whether you start dating a femme girly-girl, a butch lady, or even a man (and bringing that person to group events) I would be fine with it as long as you’re happy… and let’s be honest… if you do bring a butch around… chances are I’m more “man” than she is anyway. 😉
“I think that a lot of femmes have preconceived ideas about butch women and there’s a lot they don’t understand.”
I agree with Maggie that this goes both ways (no pun intended), but I love that you’ve brought this idea to light. Why is there such a disconnect between butches and femmes?
I’m sticking with my original thoughts on the topic, (that it all adds up to experience, comfort, and circumstances), and the fact remains, I RARELY (if ever) see the two dating outside their own *ahem* “category.”
(Or is it because I just haven’t been here long enough to see it)?
In any event, kudos for your honesty 🙂 I LOVE this fucking blog 🙂
Jeanine: Yes, of course you are included in said group of friends. But I didn’t mean to say YOU or any of the crew were “judgmental” only that it felt that way. But after talking to Maggie about it I realized it was probably more of my own uncertainty coloring what you said, making me think there was something there that wasn’t……
… and yes, we all are very femme LOOKING but not so much femme ACTING or THINKING. Which is why I think we all bonded from the second we met in WeHo on that fateful night.
…. But I will say thank you for leaving that comment because in all honesty I wasn’t totally sure how you felt on the topic. I was going to ask you the other night, but I failed to wedge 🙂
we ARE judgmental. doesn’t our survey serve as definitive proof? 😉
hello… my name is cecilia… and i am a.. ..a .. . a buch, i dont mean to be its just the way i came out? and then i dont know what to think about the matter, i mean i hate being discramanated just because of the way i look, but i think i have let in on it to i have come to the fact that i know my person makes people feel all eehehh around me and i would much rather hurt myself and leave to make that person feel better rather than stay there and make people feel weird,. i dont know what to do most of the time so most of the time i just let in to make most people happy……
Extra, Extra: Lipstick likes Butch – Independent Advisor Resurrects 80s with “DUH”