Femme Tips
I just received a call for help from a fellow femme sister. She is tired of being mistaken for a member of PFLAG at gay events. She is tired of having to come out, on a daily basis, of being made to feel that she does not belong to the lesbian community because her physical appearance doesn’t scream “alternative lifestyle/boi/butch/obvious lesbian” and she asked me for help. She said that Ivan Coyote’s statement about femmes, when he expressed that he had no idea how it must feel to walk by “our own people” and not be recognized, brought her to tears because she knows all too well how that feels.
In fact, the last line of her email read: I suppose I’m looking for a little validation… or instruction. Is there a ‘look’? …something about the eyes? …a trick to flirting that I’ve yet to be initiated to? Help!
So I got to thinking and I have a few tips. Most of them are probably buried here and there in the archives, but for ease of reference I think I’ll start a new post just for Femme tips.
Being invisible to our community is something I live with everyday. It hurts and those that are visible tend to downplay the importance of being seen by those you identify with. Which is why, and please forgive my self-promotion here, but that is WHY I created my jewelry line. Because I wasn’t willing to cut my hair and get a tattoo just to fit into a social group that I already belong to! So I created a way that I could label myself, literally …. and make it as obvious or as subtle as I felt like that day.
Subtle yet sexy
I had written before about signs we look for to identify other women as lesbians, and while there seems to be a good number of signs …. they’re not infallible nor can we all pull them off. Hence my jewelry line. So fail proof tip #1 to show the public that you’re gay?
Wear something that reads: LESBIAN
That’s pretty much all the work, done for you. Easy, breezy and very pretty. 😉
Next tip?
Assume every woman you see is gay and treat her as such. By this I mean, make eye contact. Smile at them. Be nice and you will notice a marked difference between the way straight women and lesbians react to you. Straight women be caught off gaurd by your utternlack of cattiness. The gay one’s will either realize by the way you interact with them that you’re gay too, or they will suspect it. Either way: progress.
You asked if it’s something in the eyes? Yes, it is …. it’s a gayze held just a beat longer then necessary with perhaps, a slight smile. If you think she’s hot, let your eyes wander down to her lips for a second and then back up to her eyes and she will get it.
We don’t have change the way we look …. we have to change the way we interact with other women. Not all lesbians have good gaydar. So as femmes we have to push through our shyness a bit more and find that inner bombshell. Let her out every single day. If even just to smile at the hot butch in the grocery store right before sauntering down the aisle, knowing that they’re watching.
Don’t try to butch it up just to look more gay, because you’ll confuse yourself and the women you attract. Be yourself and then the women that like that type, will be so happy that you didn’t trade in your heels for combat boots. There is a ying and yang to everything. If you screw up your ying you’ll never find your yang. Or vice versa.
Recap ladies:
Assume every woman you meet is a lesbian and then flirt accordingly.
When all else fails, wear a necklace that literally screams that you’re a lesbian.
That concludes today’s lesson.
You May Also Like
Love em! I wear the lesbian necklace daily. Of course the woman I’m seeing finds it hilarious that I have to wear something to proclaim I’m a lesbian (she’s a 100 footer of course). But I do and I wear it with pride and happiness.
Besides, it makes it easier if a guy hits on me and I say I’m a lesbian, well now he knows I’m not lying. And if a girl hit on me or was wondering if she should, she now has her answer. Oh, and it frames “the girls” quite well. Just sayin’.
I agree with everything written here. If there’s one thing I notice about lesbians that’s different than straight women is that we carry ourselves with confidence. Even the femme women have a “I don’t give a fuck” devilish grin on their face like they are let in on a secret. It’s an attitude that lets people know you’re comfortable and confident in your own skin. It’s powerful, dominant, and sexy.
I’m a serial flirter. I don’t assume every woman is gay, but I do assume that if I find a woman attractive, and react accordingly, she would be receptive. This seems to work a lot for women who are bisexual but never acted on it, and straight with a just a tad bit bicuriousity, and whom you come in contact with for more than just a few moments.
I do lean in more, I do maintain eye contact (I do this with everyone, flirting, or not). I smile with my eyes and purse my lips, I make sure they know they have my full attention with my body language. Then I back off- no one likes to feel crowded. Even if she was receptive to my advances, I still back off. If it’s abrupt yet friendly, it will catch her off guard and she’ll have more of her attention on you. “What just happened? What was I just feeling?” Then I come back, full attention, maybe a bit more so.
Treat her like you’re attracted to her! (And don’t fumble, if your natural attraction-reaction is to fumble). It’s that simple really.
Basically…. I know it’s hard- but while you’re still looking for the validation of others, you’re going to be missing a natural confidence to your demeanor, and it’s that natural, could-not-care-less-than-you-do-about-how-someone-perceives-your-sexuality that really lets people know. To generalize my own observations of the out lez: Lesbians do not give a fuck; And neither do femmes.
Check out:
http://effingdykes.blogspot.com/2012/08/all-in-femme-ily.html
Sasha – The problem with your jewelry is that there are so many cool pieces to choose from, it’s hard to decide. I think I finally had it narrowed down to the equality heart or the love = necklace. But I just now noticed your Etsy sight. Now what am I gonna do?!
Sasha The new jewelry you made- posted now on the home page of CCL is absolutely GORGEOUS!!!! I am so impressed w your jewelry making talents. Jaz
What better way to inform the world of your idea of “hot” than to reference a woman’s body? Whether subtle or obvious, there is a certain beauty and mystery to words that will give others the hint they need (if you want them to have it). Example? (Subtle) You look really pretty today, I like red on you… (Obvious) You have really nice breasts. Can I touch them?… It’s all about approach… 😉
Awesome blog, Sasha.
I can definitely relate to this because a) I don’t look like a typical lesbian. I’m young with long brown hair, make up and heels… And b) I have horrible gaydar! So not am I not only far from the typical lesbian ideal I also have no idea how to spot others like me, who don’t personify gay…(which also happen to be the ones I’m most attracted too)
I think you’ve definitely got something with the gayze… Any time I have managed to flirt successfully, it’s all been about the eyes. My eyes hide nothing,… If I’m into you, you know it.
Lol… Actually sometimes I wish I had more if a poker face!
Sasha your jewelry is beautiful!! i am seriously awed that you made that!
I want to thank you, Sasha, for all the advice as well as for ‘takin it to the streets’ and making my little e-mail the topic for a whole article :]
-such great advice from everyone!
I love your jewelry line, I’ve been wanting a piece for some time now. I think I’m going to go for the “femme” heart <3
…also I've been practicing my "gayze" (in the mirror -now I won't admit that out loud- but I think I'm starting to see what you mean)