Do you choose the femme identity or does it choose you?
I was looking on Amazon for a book about the butch/femme dynamic and I saw a book called “Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity” and I was struck by something a reviewer wrote. What she said that caught my attention was:
“My femme friends who are also in their 30’s and I have discussed whether or not we are just jealous of femmes who are coming out now, as queer and femme all at once, whereas we mostly came out as queer and learned about femme later” (Melissa K. Heckman)
Before I even realized how gay I was, the few lesbian friends I did have had already classified me as a lipstick femme. So for me, coming out as a lesbian was simultaneous to coming out as a femme. But something about that label didn’t feel that accurate to me. Sure I wear lipstick and high heels. But I also fight train, love guns and take a total of 15 minutes or less to get ready for a night out.
To me, “Lipstick Femme” sounds like a high maintenance, girly girl who loves shopping and squeals at the sight of spiders. That is not me. I hate shopping unless it’s online or for ammo. I’m not afraid of spiders and I’m not the least bit high maintenance … despite what my ex’s may say.
I happen to be talking to a butch woman right now and while she does have some feminine traits, she’s definitely butch. In comparison to her I totally feel like I get pushed into the lipstick femme category. Not that she pushes me, it just sort of happens.
Lesbian relationships tend to be very fluid. My so called “role” will vary from girl to girl. If I date a femme who’s more femme than I am, than I tend to take the masculine role on instinctually. Which I’m not always comfortable with. But when dating a butch I find myself falling back to pre-feminist days and blushing when she wants to fight for my honor.
So my question is this: Do you choose your label or do others choose it for you? Fight as we may against labels and categories, you can’t deny that sometimes you find yourself using them, if as nothing more than convenient adjectives.
I’m of the opinion that while we may not be able to control how others label us, we can control how we define it for ourselves. So for me, at this moment in time? I’ll define a lipstick femme as a woman who is secure in her feminine sexuality, enjoys all the finer things in life but can still get down and dirty when she needs to … or wants to. 😉
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I think blurred lines and fuzzy edges are far more interesting then well defined roles or labels. Labels create separation – you are different than I am. Whereas we all have more in common than not certainly if we want to connect not separate from other people.
Surprises too are far more interesting then the predictable – it’s one thing to play a role for a moment, it’s quite restrictive to live one.
peace-
j
Hmmm I’m with you — I tend to shift according to who I’m with… not intentionally really…
But — it happens regardless.
ohhh I like this topic. It’s almost like “nature versus nurture.”
I honestly think that your environment and the circumstances you find yourself in [at your time of “coming out” – either to yourself or to others] – often determine whether you fall into one category or the next (or somewhere in the middle).
for example, had I still lived in my very small, backwards, rural hometown when I realized I was gay – I am CONVINCED I would be more “butch,” (simply because of the lack of exposure i would have had to different “types” of lesbianism).
In other words, living in a bigger city gave me the chance to see that in order to be a lesbian, you don’t HAVE to adopt the “butch” persona – It was all about exposure.
(Unfortunately this theory of mine involves the furthering of the stereotype that LESBIANS = DYKES, but let’s not forget – the majority of us ARE living in major cities, where this is NOT the case and where we both SEE and MEET women who fall into BOTH categories, (and obviously a lot that fall somewhere in the middle).
Therefore I personally believe that we have the choice of which group we feel most comfortable in, and essentially, which “persona” we will eventually adopt as our own.
However, I DO agree with janet; that blurred lines are FAR more interesting than well-defined roles or labels, (but I would be lying if I said that most don’t “stick with their own” when it comes to dating and relationships).
Orrrr…. is that just me?
Amber, I think you made a GREAT point. I didn’t really think about in those terms but now that you mention it, I can totally see the connection.
What’s funny about this topic is that Maggie and I were just discussing this earlier today and she made the point that everyone in our little group is sort of a mix: we look femme, but we have a butch mentality towards a lot of things …. not all, but a lot.
I find that I don’t get labelled “butch” or “femme” often, but I’m often the only lesbian in the room. With partners, I tend to be the “submissive” one, and I’m straight-looking so I suppose femme would be the accurate label, but emotionally I’m not a girly girl, I take two seconds to get ready, and I never wear makeup or do my nails or wear skirts. I’ve decided that “executive lesbian” best suits me (see Eddie Izzard) because I’m most comfortable in men’s dress clothes, and dressing up for me means adding a jacket and tie, but never high heels.
I have magically stumbled across your blog, and I’ve got to say I’ve been wasting pretty much an hour or so of my Boss’ time (getting paid) perusing your posts, and am pretty much transfixed. Bravo!!
I am a born and raised Georgia Peach, and now reside in sunny Sandy Eggo. I say this, because it sort of explains why I had such a difficult time coming out, not only to MYSELF but to everyone else as well. My point is… when i came out, i automatically went for the BUTCH role, only because i identified with it. I had in my mind to be lesbian you had to LOOK lesbian, and the stereotypical “lesbian” was percieved to be butch in sorts.
Later on down the road i realized i had some femme traits, and stirred away (with help from friends) from being hard-core butch, and started down the road of Femme.
A little further i finally realized i didnt need to be either or, i could just be *ME*. Its funny, someone that grew up without any influence of the lesbian culture ( i dont think i even knew the term until i was close to 17), i had to go through these stages of discovery almost to find where i fit in. I now just see me for me. I take on the more masculine side of a relationship, but i am very much the passive person when it comes to behind closed doors, or even the inner workings of the relationship. Which i find to be quite interesting in itself. Why is it the lil petite ultra femme ones are the most aggressive in the bedroom??? I’m fascinated by it, and would LOVE to hear your thoughts!!!
Again Bravo on the blog, you will def see me around more often!