Congratualtions! You’re Gay!
Dear Sasha,
I am writing to you hoping that you can help me. I am 22 years old and I think I’m gay. I think I’m in love with my best friend who is straight! She tells me all the time that if one of us were a boy that we would be perfect together. She tells me that she wishes she could spend the rest of her life with me and only me. But that she has to end up with a guy and have babies some day. She tells me that maybe we can be together in secret but that we should keep our boyfriends to have them take care of us and pay the bills. But that when they go to work we can be together during the day. I have a boyfriend too. But I don’t love him in the same way. When we have sex I feel sick to my stomach. When he kisses me I feel like puking. But it’s not just him, it’s any boy. When I kiss my BFF I feel like I’m floating!! She’s all I think about. To get through sex with him I close my eyes and imagine it’s her.
Sasha, am I gay? Or is it just her that I feel like this for? Should we sneak around behind our boyfriends backs? Please help! I feel like I’m going crazy.
Sincerely,
Confused and maybe bi.
Dear Confused,
First of all, been there done that whole I’m in love with my not-so-straight bestie. It’s usually the best way to get your heart broken and your head fucked up. But let me try to deal with this in some sort of organized fashion.
1. Are you gay? Are you bi?
Only you can answer that in the end but you said some very telling things that leads me to believe that you are GAY. If having sex with men turns your stomach, you might be gay. If you have to imagine that you’re having sex with a woman to get through it, you are almost definitely gay. Sure, maybe it’s just the wrong guy. But if this has happened with EVERY guy you’re with, it’s time to stop looking for Mr. Right and start looking for someone with a vagina.
Having sex with someone, anyone, should be pleasurable. If you find yourself distancing your mind from your body to cope it is a sure sign that something is wrong. Don’t continue on with this because it will only hurt you and him in the long run. I mean, think of it from his side too! Would he want to keep sleeping with someone that was made physically ill by his touch? I don’t think anyone would!
So are you gay? Probably. But you won’t know until you fully explore that side of yourself. There is no black and white in sexuality. There is a continuum, a sliding scale if you will and your best bet is to figure out for yourself where you fit on that scale and then be OK with it. No matter where that is. You might be bisexual and that’s fine too. The important part is being honest with yourself and the one you are with.
2. Should you use your boyfriends to be together?
Fuck no. Never ever use another person! EVER. I am 100000000% against this idea. It’s not fair to the guys and it’s very shady behavior on your parts if you do this. In fact, it would make me look at my BFF differently if I knew she was capable of this sort of deception. If she does it to him, she will eventually do it to YOU.
Sorry to tell you this, but your best friend sounds like a liar and a user. At this point it doesn’t really matter if she loves you or not. You can’t trust someone like this.
3. My final advice to you is this: Congratulations! You’re probably gay!!! Now what? You need to slowly figure out what this means for your life. But I would probably start with setting the boyfriend free. He deserves to find someone that wasn’t want to hurl chunks at his kiss. You deserve to explore the lady loving side of your personality. This is all done best, SINGLE.
Next, if you really think you’re in love with your best friend. Tell her. But be prepared for her to a) flip out when it’s actually real and not just “what if” talk. b) if she doesn’t flip out and she returns your affection, tell her that you won’t use men as a meal ticket and that you won’t be with her if she does that either. You told me you were 22. I’m assuming she’s close in age. GET A JOB. You don’t need a man to support you.
So let’s say you actually take all of my awesome advice and you find yourself single and without your best friend? (Worse case scenario but totally possible here, let’s be real.) What then?
Then you sit down in a quiet room and you take mental inventory of your life and this is what you will realize.
- You have just made a life changing realization. You are gay (or bi).
- You have just let some people go from your life, for good reasons. Wish them well on their journey, but don’t look back.
- You are about to embark on the biggest adventure of your life and it’s an exciting time to be you right now. Coming out and finding your place in the gay community is one of the most exciting and rewarding things in life. You are about to have some awesome adventures. You will get your heart broken, many times. You will break hearts. You will fall down and get back up. You will be scared. You will be excited. You are about to start LIVING.
In closing I want to tell you to be brave, be honest and be strong. This won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
Good luck!
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Also, I too agree that it seems like you’re gay, with a lot of internalized homophobia (actually, it seems like both of you have a lot of internalized homophobia) to deal with. Sincerely, whatever sexuality you find yourself to be, I wish you luck. I hope you’re able to accept yourself wholly, and that you can slowly but surely deconstruct that homophobia (and possibly biphobia). You’re okay.
Awesome advice, Sasha! I agree with everything you said, especially the part about it never being ok to use anyone. For any reason. The best friend’s attitude is what gives women, lesbian or not, a bad rap. A lot of women use men. A lot of men use women. People who use people really suck. Big time.
Beautifully done my friend. This is why I love and respect you.
Let me tell you something, honey,… The LGBT community is welcoming and extremely accepting! So even if you do find you have let go of the people you thought you cared about most…. You will not be alone.
I know it would be hard to let go of your best friend when you love her so much. This is one time in your life where you are allowed to be selfish, though. If you love her and she cannot love you back the same way, then you are better off without her. It may not feel that way at first, but it is the truth.
Hold on. Don’t give up. You have a tough road ahead, but as I said… You will not be alone. *hugs for strength*
Excellent post Sasha. Your magnificent presence has been missed our friend.
Great post and great advice, Sasha. I’d just add that it will be hard at first, but it will save so much pain and time later. I wish I’d been truer to myself and really explored my feelings earlier, instead of waiting until my 30’s with a husband and child before finally, *finally* coming out to myself and the world. I hurt some good people, and it would’ve been kinder to all of us to be honest with myself in my 20’s.
Welcome to the community confused =)
Very well written and great advice Sasha. To the Op- I’m glad you are coming to a realization with your feelings, and I hope you are able to be honest with everyone.
Remember that while it can be hard, be kind to yourself. Take it slow and easy, enjoy your time to learn who you truly are.
Rexie, I agree with you!
Raye, I see why you agree with Rexie!
Thank you Sasha. It really means a lot to me that you took the time to write this for me. I’ve been sitting with your advice all week now and decided that I had to do it. I had to be true to myself.
I told my best friend how I felt and she laughed at me. She told me she was just joking and she never really thought I was being serious. She even told her boyfriend and he told my boyfriend. When he confronted me, I was honest and told him that I loved him as a friend but not in love with him. He got mad and yelled at me. But I think it’s for the best. This all happened yesterday. Then this morning my boyfriend came over and told me he wasn’t mad at me and that he supported me in coming out.
My best friend turned her back on me and is now spreading it all over town. I hate her. I can’t believe she did this to me. But I guess it’s better I found out now, right?
but thank you for your advice it’s hard but it’s the right thing to do.
Dear Confused – congratulations on being true to yourself. That’s a huge and amazing step and you should be very proud of yourself. It can be scary coming out. Very scary. I went through it about 3 years ago and had yo be coaxed out of the closet by friends who reassured me it was okay. And you know what? It really was. The good thing about being gay is you get to see who people are in a different way. Your now ex boyfriend? He seems to be a decent and open minded guy. If you can hang onto him as a friend, do so. Your ex best friend? Well, I think you already knew what an ass she was and now you have proof of it. Mourn the loss of the friendship for 30 seconds and then be happy that you no longer have her in your life. Also, the more you come out and the more you’re okay with yourself, the less someone like her can hurt you. Right now she has control of your story by sharing it all over town. But the more you come confident and proud of who you are, the less someone like her has power over you.
There are many resources to help you, starting from this site but also YouTube videos and more. Not to mention resources in your town and if you’re in school still, your school. Congrats on knowing who you are. Trust me, it really gets not only better, but simply fucking amazing.
Stay safe, if she’s the type to spread it around as a bad thing, particularly when it’s not even her place, she’s showed what kind of person she is. And no, whether or not she herself is sexually confused is no excuse for her homophobia. I think it’s clear you deserve better. As for your boyfriend turned friend, I’m sorry he yelled at you, and at least he apologized. You’re not alone. <3
Wow, great advice. I just went through this not long ago and in the end, realized she was kind of a bitch. She was married but wanted me on the side. I finally got fed up with being second best and told her me or him… Well I’m single so you can well guess how that ended. After, I found out she’d been dragging along several girls. Kind of broke my heart.