Butch By Association
I find it endlessly interesting, the way that us lesbians feel the need to categorize ourselves and each other into these limiting roles of femme, butch, tomboi, androgynous and futch (right in the middle between femme and butch). I’m sure I’m missing some, but these are the ones I hear most often. Actually, I usually just hear femme and butch. But we all know that there’s a million shades of gray between those two extremes.
Even though I know better then to stereotype and label people, I find myself doing it all the time. If for no other reason then as a means of describing someone to someone else in a casual conversation. Or while people watching at a lesbian club. Last night, Remi and I went to Club Eleven in WeHo and could have been overheard saying any version of, “Look at that butch checking out the femme in blue.” Or, “Whoa, is that some butch on butch action?!” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But that’s sort of my point. Why is it considered taboo in some circles for two butch women to date? Why it considered ok for two femmes to date? Why do femmes get a shot at every one, while other labels seem to be more caged into who they should be attracted to? Why when the bill comes, do the waiters ALWAYS put the check in front of Remi and not in front of me?
I’m sure I’ve described Remi before. But for clarification, let me do it again. She’s a very sporty type of girl. I call her a tomboi. She has short hair, usually wears wife beaters, jeans and chucks. But has been known to wear eyeliner when the mood hits and when it’s called for can dress up and show off her amazing body. She’s not butch, which she says on almost a daily basis.
Yet despite her categorical denial of the butch role, has admitted that when “other butch women” see her, they get all territorial and the invisible pissing contest begins. What is that?!
Remi also wears a uniform for work. So when a co-worker recently saw her out of uniform and in some very form fitting clothes, her response was, “I would never have guessed how you dress out of work!”
To which Remi asked, “Why? What do you mean?”
The very straight co-worker went on to explain her logic, “Well considering the pictures I’ve seen of your girlfriend, I thought you’d be all super butch!.”
Remi responded with, “Well that’s stereotyping. Just because my gf is very femme, doesn’t mean I can’t dress like a woman too.”
She relayed this little story to me last night on our way to gay boy mecca, WeHo. I laughed with her but thought, wow, even a straight girl thinks that femmes only date butches. So Remi is sort of butch by association.
She loves to deny any butch tendencies. But she always opens doors for me (even the car), she pays for everything and she basically takes charge on most things. If those aren’t butch qualities I don’t know what is.
But butch can be a state of mind too. I have some femme friends that look femme but have butch brains. I’ve even been known to get a little too butch for Remi’s taste. She likes to be the one on top, in more ways then one.
Ugh., I know this blog is a bit all over the place! But I’m just curious what is this obsession with butch/femme? Do we just feel better knowing our roles?
For me it just makes things a little less confusing. I’m a femme and I’m OK with that. But what about when the world sees you as something that you’re not OK with? When people assume Remi’s the butch in the relationship, she can get offended depending on how it’s said. I’ve dated butch women that would snap at me if I said anything that remotely made them sound like I saw them in a feminine way at all!
Huh. Lesbians and their gender roles. GO figure.
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hey there this is a interesting topic. I was at the bar last night and noticied something similiar. I really hate to label people but. I have 2 friends who have recently gotten together. 2 butches to be exact but the most interesting thing is.. watching them that one would automatically take a more femme … even a submissive role. it was subtle but interesting to watch.. OK that sounded weird. yeah in general labels suck and shouldn’t be used but we the human species feels the need to quantify everything … it does happen… BTW.. did I tell you I met a cute lil butch???
In my never-so-humble opinion, I’d have to say that because the gay/queer culture is (according to the mainstream) a fringe group to start with, we label ourselves so that we know where we fit/belong. On the flip side of that, I’d suggest that straights attempt to label us so that they understand where we fit. I won’t even get into how often “mainstream” culture labels us incorrectly, in all our guises.
That said, I’m more familiar, and much more comfortable, with butch and femme being used as gender identities, more than relationship-role descriptors. I don’t think it’s really an obsession so much as it is a way to delineate, to myself and to the rest of the world, who it is I think I am on any given day.
Just my two cents, at any rate…
I know that I’m a strong butch who’s looking for a soft femme. I love spoiling the lady in my life and making her feel like she has nothing to worry about, I’ve got it all under control. Why haven’t you given me a call? You can’t really be sure Remi’s the one for you till you at least meet me.
Psychologically speaking we label people and label ourselves so that we can compartmentalize and understand our world better. The problem with this though that sometimes all we see are the labels and refuse to look under what we understand on sight.
Hey Wishful Thinker, get in line.
Melody …. do tell!!!
lol email me sugar.. and we will talk!!!
Hey “Sasha” remember me? We went out once. But only once cuz I wasn’t “butch” enough for you. Now I see you’re with a girl who’s sporty? Nice.
I’m sorry, but I just have to laugh at the comments, Sasha. It looks like you’re going through one of those phases where your personal past is threatening to take over the conversation! Don’t let it discourage you; I know you have a thick skin but I also know it can be hard to ignore.
Just wanted to pop back in and clarify – I am previously known in your comments as LurkerLezzie. Thought I should re-introduce myself.
This is not the first time I’ve seen people explain their need to categorize others, and I agree with Melody that it’s a psychological compulsion. I also wanted to point out that everyone labels other people – by politics, by religion, by neighborhood, by race… You get the point. I just think that the lesbian/gay/queer community notices it more and thinks about it more because we struggle so hard for our own visibility. And by visibility, I mean teaching the rest of “mainstream” culture the vocabulary we use to describe ourselves.
Hey LB, why don’t you go fuck yourself, since I’m sure that’s the only pussy you get anyways. And leave women like Sasha alone. She’s way out of your league. There’s obviously a reason you’ve admired her from a far and never made your move. You know she wouldn’t give you the time of day.
you guys are dumb!!! where were you guys like five months ago when she was looking for someone to snuggle…
if you guys wanted her so bad why didnent you guys come out then? shes happy, dont you guys know that true love is the ablity to hurt youre self in order to see the other happy….
shes a writer, love her for what she is a writter, a GOOD wirtter that keeps us at the edge of our seats,… be happy for her and her lady friend.. and just read on, if she wanted somebody she would tell us.. so let her be…
Cecilia, I freakin’ LOVE YOU!!!!! I’ve missed your awesome comments. Hope all is well with you. Hit me up on myspace and tell me how you’re doing.
I don’t know if it is everyone or just some of us that HATE labels. I despise them but lately I have come to the conclusion that labels in the lesbian community are inevitable. I don’t like it and I wish that I could just find someone out there that thinks the same way I do. I think I am all of those labels as some point during my day. Inside I feel masculine as times or sporty at times or feminine at other times etc. but apparently anyone who looks at me and knows my interests sees ultra femme. I’m sure you Sasha feel like others see you that way as well even if you do not see yourself as being femme all the time. Why can’t I pay sometimes and the other person sometimes…or I can open the door for you and you can open the door for me…or I’m on top sometimes and you are sometimes as well…you get the point? Is that possible or do we all fit into some kind of physical or mental category? I never tried to categorize myself in the past but since everyone does it for me I guess I am femme who wants equality, I like being courted but I like appreciating and adoring the other person back equally. I liked your point of the physical and mental differences because I personally am more attracted to femme on the outside but I want a femme who can make the decisions most of the time. Would you consider this to be what you said to be your “femme friends that look femme but have butch brains”? If so, can you point them in my direction cause I can’t find any…Thanks š
I agree and even though… I find myself labeling and sterotyping too. I am, and always have been, a tomboi. Usually, I have short hair and I wear blue jeans, tees and Vans most of the time. My girlfriend, on the other hand, is very girly and likes to wear skirts and makeup. Funny thing is most people, even lesbians, assume I am the butch and she is the femme. We sort of play the roles, I open her door and usually pick up the tab. Whenever anyone comments on our butch/femme roles, we just laugh. They always get it backwards! No one, not even my closest friends understand that we are who we are and that’s it. I am sucha girl and my girlfriend has suprisingly butch attitude. Still we laugh it off saying “False Advertisement!” and without offering any explanation.
This blog and Melody’s comment made me think of a book I recently read. “As a child all would appear before your eyes and ears and touch for the first time. But now you’ve learned names and categories for everything: ‘That’s good, that’s bad, that’s a table, thats a chair, that’s a car, a house, cat, man, woman. Things exist only as names to you. The dry concepts of the mind obscure your direct percetion.” Categories for everything in peoples lives seem to give some sort of illusion of comfort as if the world makes more sense?