Advice Needed for Anonymous TR250
“I have been in a abusive relationship for almost two years now and I don’t mean physically either. In this case it was the Femme abusing the Butch mentally. The signs were always there from the first day I met this woman but I chose to ignore them. I recently worked up the courage to walk away for good and in my heart I know it was the right thing to do, but in my mind I seem to be feeling this aweful guilt in which I blame myself for everything that went wrong and it lingers. I did everything I possibly could to bring some kind of satisfaction into this womans life but it never seemed at all possible, nothing ever pleased her. She was spiteful, manipulative, and most of all hurtful. Problem was, she never saw it that way, it was always me who had all the problems and I needed to change but never her. I think you will get the point by the little bit that I have typed. I bailed out of this relationship about two weeks ago and it seems to be me that is having such a dreadful time while she has moved on and is pretty much enjoying life, at least I think so anyway. I went into this relationship in one piece and came out of it in a million pieces. Please let me make it clear that this particuliar woman has been in many relationships all of which never had a positive outcome. I have tried to tell myself it wasn’t me and that the proof is in the pudding, but somehow I can’t seem to drill it in my head that is wasn’t me. In all honesty, I feel like this woman has completely ruined me in so many ways and I’m not the same person I used to be. I was actually very happy some time ago and very confident and all of that has seemed to have vanished within a two year period. I guess what I’m looking for is some advise on how to get through all of this because I’m not doing a very good job at this by myself and I fear I will go crawling back to her only to be brought down once again. I welcome someone who can give me some great advise because I’m definitely in a gloomy state of mind.” ~Anonymous TR250
I received this comment on the blog about Abusive Lesbians and didn’t want it to get lost in the fray. I wanted to make sure that everyone had a chance to give her some objective advice.
We all know where I stand on this, but in case I wasn’t clear: You are better off without her. I would rather be alone and happy then in a relationship that hurt my mind, heart and soul. I know this hurts right now, but life isn’t about not hurting. It’s about growing and learning and reaching for something more. It’s about loving yourself and others.
Life is not about “not hurting”, pain is not your enemy. Pain lets you know you’re still alive. It lets you know something is wrong and from what I can tell, that woman gave you plenty of pain to let you know that something was not right.
The pain you feel now from being without her can be likened to a drug addict going through withdrawals. Just because an addict is in pain doesn’t mean we should let them go shoot up to make themselves feel better!!! Same thing with you. This is a short term response. Do not be weak and allow fear to control you for momentary relief because we all know that if you do, in the long run you will be hurt.
Do not go back to her. Let her go. You said she’s happy now? That’s good … let the guilt go, let the pain go ….. breathe deeply and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling and then move on.
This is a good thing. Change is good. Now there is room in your life for true love and let me leave you with perhaps the only good advice my mother has ever given me, “Love isn’t supposed to hurt.”
Please feel free, my beautiful readers, to leave your advice in the comment section.
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I wish mine wasn’t the first comment out of the box, because while I had a very manipulative friend who in some ways did a lot of the behaviour mentioned, we were never a couple, and I never had feelings for her, so I don’t know if that counts and I don’t think I’m necessarily qualified to give any advice. That said, when I met her, I was in the throes of a very deep depression that took its toll on me. Coincidence? Doubtful.
I am in a very good part of my life right now – no depression, strong, confident, and pretty together. The people I associate with now are people who are some of the most grounded, intelligent, caring and kind people I know. They are authentic, honest, and strong, to a one. Some are single, some are taken, some are where they want to be in their career, some are struggling to figure it out. But their character is strong regardless of these outside circumstances. The people I knew when I was depressed and feeling crappy about myself were manipulative, fucked up, insecure, selfish, and more.
We all put out energy. Have you ever met someone and just immediately felt comfortable around them? Or you’ve met someone else who logically you should like, but there’s something about them that for some reason you just don’t feel comfortable around them? I’ve had that so many times, and I realize later when something happens that my gut was picking up on something about them that my eyes and brain couldn’t see.
I would HIGHLY recommend reading the book “The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence” by Gavin de Becker. Rather than describe it, I will link you to it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198. It was recommended to me by my former Ju Jitsu sensei at a special women’s defense training course that he held.
The only advice I will give is this – we are each responsible for our own happiness in this life, and consequently, our own unhappiness. You’ve been given quite a lesson at this point. You can choose to use this time after having separated from her to understand the relationship and everything that happened and your part in it. When I went through my depression, I journalled extensively (I’m talking I probably have a few thousand pages of journalling) wherein I uncovered every rock of my psyche. Ever looked under a rock? The ground there is soft and vulnerable as hell and there’s a lot of activity under there. I learned my triggers (ex: “when I suddenly see a huge spike in my libido/food desires without feeling satisfaction, it’s because I am looking for a ‘quick fix’ of happiness”). I found that often I would make connections through writing that I hadn’t if I just kept it in my head. I also went through massive amounts of therapy.
I am grateful for having gone through this part of my life. I am now in my early 30s, and while I’m still getting my career on track, I know myself very well. I’m able to shake off disappointment and difficult situations and stresses pretty well because I truly got to know my vulnerable side and become strong within myself. These experiences no longer knock me on my ass.
You have a chance now. Unhitch yourself from her wagon and remember that you are your own person. You intellectually understand that she was bad for you in every way possible. Start seeing her less as the woman you love and someone who is incredibly screwed up. No one who leaves that much unhappiness and destruction in their wake is happy and settled in their lives. It’s time to suck the poison from her snakebite out of your veins. Are you ready to do it?
What else can I add….
Love ain’t supposed to hurt.
I could have wrote this same “Anonymous” post months ago. You have to let go… you have to keep walking away and moving forward. DO NOT stop. Do not look backward. You cannot save her… you can only save yourself… and in doing that… you will show her the way.
xo
El
Abuse is a cycle and if you don’t break out of it, and stay out of it, you are only ever going to get more of the same. If you allow yourself to be drawn back in because of loneliness, nothing will be different the next time around. Or the time after that. Psychological abuse can be as painful and every bit as violent as physical abuse. No one can see the bruises but you suffer from them just the same. The guilt and self-doubt you are experiencing are typical for a victim of the type of abuse you described. Your self-esteem took a beating and it is going to take steely determination and sheer will to recover. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that recovery isn’t possible. It can be difficult to achieve, and you have to work for it, but it is possible for you to regain your self worth and become the happy (although wiser) person that you used to be. You are in the very early stages of recovery, and these are the weakest times for you. Once you get your strength back, you will begin to take deeper breaths and you will appreciate the sense of freedom that comes with them. If you are unable to get a grip on your own, there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking therapy. You’re on a tough road, and your future wellness and happiness depend on how well these terrible wounds heal. They can be sneaky, and if you don’t resolve them right now, they might come back and negatively affect a new (and promising) relationship. Don’t let that happen. Learn what to look for so you don’t make this mistake again. Sasha’s mom was right…love isn’t supposed to hurt, and to that I will add that you should always listen to what your gut is telling you.
I loved what you said Sasha, “I know this hurts right now, but life isn’t about not hurting. It’s about growing and learning and reaching for something more. It’s about loving yourself and others.”
You’re one smart femme. Good luck to Anononymous. Listen to Sasha and the rest of us. You’ve got a second chance at happiness. Take it and run, sweetie!
I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years, and the best advice I can give, you have already received. Do NOT go back, do not call her, do not haunt places she might be. I know this sounds harsh, but a clean break is really what is needed.
I spent almost 2 years wondering if I had done the wrong thing, and allowing that person to have power in my life even after the relationship ended.
I don’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. You are smart, beautiful, and deserve much better than anything she can give you! And it doesn’t matter what kind of abuse you suffered. Abuse is abuse, plain and simple!
Good Luck!!
I agree with all of the above.
I’ve also been in your shoes at the end of a bad relationship and had all those same second-guesses.
What you want is for your ex to recognize the value in you. You want her to validate your worth…unfortunately, it ain’t ever gonna happen. I still have one particular ex towards whom I still have these occasional urges to hit over the head and scream, “GODDAMMIT, I’M NOT THE FUCKING FLAKY-LAME GIRL YOU THINK I AM!”
That I even feel or think that way irritates me because it means this person still has an effect on me.
You’re a lot fresher from the trauma than that, so it’s a lot thicker an goopier, and it feels like you’re slogging through mud or quicksand. Part of this is going to take time. Part is going to take you doing A LOT for YOURSELF. Whatever it is that you like to do that you couldn’t do with her, do a lot of it. Spend as much of your time as you can just doing things that you enjoy. Hang out with friends, make new friends, do all sorts of things that you know your ex would not approve of (within legal and safety limits). Wear a shirt you know she didn’t like all the time. Eat foods she didn’t like that you missed out on because she never wanted to buy that or go to that restaurant with you. Listen to bands she didn’t like, watch movies she wouldn’t watch, do everything you couldn’t do when you were with her.
Try new things you’ve never experienced before that have nothing to do with you and her. Some of it you might not like, some will be your new favorite things.
Little by little, fill up the places she gouged out of you with something positive. Eventually, there won’t be room for her anymore, anyway.
And therapy. Never been in it myself but if I had some things to do over again, I don’t think it would have hurt, and I know a few girls who got a lot out of it.
Oh dear… It’s really sad how common this seems to be in the lesbian community. It amazes me how many woman take love offered to them for granted. I think that after an abusive relationship counseling could definitely help keep your head straight while your emotions are in a whirl. Fortunately you left, which is awesome because that shows that you are starting to build back your love and respect for yourself. Not everyone is that strong even when the situation is worse, so for that give yourself a pat on the back. Life is about change, and you have a great opportunity to heal now.
Typically abusers are possessive and jealous and limit you from the kind of life you can live. If this was the case for you I would say build up your group of friends, go out, have too much fun, flirt too much, start doing what you want when you want and make your life about you. It sounds like you bent over backwards for her happiness. Try to get in touch with what makes you happy and bend over backwards for yourself. Let people be good to you, don’t invest again too soon. Tell yourself you’re beautiful and deserve to be treated in the same amazing way you would treat your partner. Don’t be afraid to be a little selfish right now. The only way you are going to pull the pieces back together is by taking care of yourself and building your self esteem back up so you can invite something new and amazing into your life.
What is awesome is that you can remember a time when you were whole and happy and you can get back there again, because it’s still you,the only difference now is that life is trying to teach you something which in the end you will be wiser from. Sasha is right about pain, it’s about pain and the role hurt plays in our lives to help guide us to where we are suppose to be. There would be no awareness of pleasure with out pain or growth with out mistakes. Be patient with yourself, you will have bad days but eventually the pain will fade away and become a memory and experience to help you navigate your life all that much better. I know it might not feel like it right now, but everyday you will get closer and closer to the you you want to be.
Chin up, you’re at the start of something new and wonderful, there is now where to go now but up!
Just because she seems to have moved on and seems happy, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t. By keeping yourself from being happy or moving on is allowing the abuse to continue even if she is not there. I have recently had some things happen not so similar but I can feel your pain just the same. Three months later I am still trying, reading EVERYTHING I CAN! The best thing I have found is, read all these comments everyday over and over, reading them once it won’t sink in, but repetition my dear, you will finally get it. I have been reading some books that may help, they are geared more towards men and woman couples, but I think you could get the jist, Walk out Woman, a little religious based, but there are some stories you could relate to. It can help you find some of yourself again. And a recent one that was suggested on here by someone else, (Thank you by the way! Sorry I can’t remember who) Called Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay. even though you have split, this will help you as with me, find what you want out of your next relationship. Healing takes time my dear, and it sucks especially if you are impatient as I am. Take back YOUR power. Allow yourself to smile, laugh, even sing if that fancies you. I have found that the more I can find that makes me laugh, the easier it has been to heal and move on myself. Don’t let her bring you down. I play this each morning and night to remind myself of what to do. Good Luck! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iLyiLCu2b0
Although this is an old post, it gives me the chance to let I-prefer-pain-to-happiness people know the real definition of it. In biology, pain means warning. Your body is in pain when a part of it is injured, only to let you know that you have to treat it better and stay away of what caused the pain. It has nothing to do with punishment. For example, when you get needled by something. Pierced marks are a source of bacteria and viruses to come inside your system. Your body tells you to move away from the needle and if a part of it is already pierced, you see that your skin itself covers the injury within a few days so that no parasites can come in.
What I am trying to say is, it works the same with feelings. People who give you more pain than happiness should be taken away from you. Only in this case, your soul can’t heal automatically, you have to totally convince yourself that you deserve better. After this, time will be a healer like in the needle-case and your heart will recover. It will! Even if you can’t believe it at the time you leave the person who hurt you. Well that’s all about pain 🙂 Tells you what or who is inappropriate for you, undestand this and surrender to Doctor Time. Soon you’ll be up to your feet again.
Give love freely but protect yourselves, no one can do it better than you, your own mind is the hospital of your soul.
“What a strange thing, my friends, that seems to be which men call pleasure! How wonderfully it is related to that which seems to be its opposite, pain, in that they will not both come to a man at the same time, and yet if he pursues the one and captures it he is generally obliged to take the other also, as if the two were joined together in one head.”
Just a quote from ‘Phaedo’ I was reminded of by Stacy’s comment… I believe it is related, and decided to share it. Since it’s been a few years since the post, I dearly hope Anonymous is fine and happy now. 🙂