Advice For Mixed Message Lesbians
I recently got this little email asking for some advice. And before I share it with you, let me apologize to all of you that I haven’t gotten back to .. yet. But I thought I would just start with the most recent and work my way back. The following email has been slightly edited for privacy sake. But other than that, it’s her own words, with my little bit of advice below.
Hello,
I need advice because I don’t know who to ask. I don’t have any lesbian friends expect one and she is the person I like. She is very guarded she was engaged and the relationship fell apart.
I’ve known her for a couple years but we only recently began really talking and hanging out.
We’ve hung out a couple times and went even on a date. Her friend told me that night that the girl I went on a date with, thinks it’s going really well and really likes me. Which made me really happy. She was so polite and wanted to make sure when we went back to hang out at her friends house if I was okay with meeting the dogs cause I’ve been attacked in the past. We hung out easily for 2 hours she ended up texting me we can leave whenever and I told her I’m fine cause I’m spending time with her and she told me I was cute.
When we went to finally leave, her friend said “I like her(me) bring her around more often” and then invited me over the next day.
I smiled because that made me happy to hear that.
When we finally left the house I kissed her on the cheek to say goodnight then she ended up kissing me. My stomach felt like it exploded into butterflies. She was drinking a bit so I stopped her out of respect.
The next day she said how she couldn’t wait to see me Sunday cause we were going hiking. We went hiking it was a lot of fun I held her hand on our way back after the hike and kissed her cheek goodbye and she yelled at me saying how her face is now all red. Which made me giggle and smile
We spoke all the rest of the day and that night. Then suddenly come Monday she began pulling back and closing up.
I saw her this past Friday and I asked if she could kiss me and she walked over to my car and did.
Then come yesterday she is saying how she doesn’t want anything further than friends with me at this point in time. She doesn’t have the time or the mindset.
I don’t know what to do? I really like her and told her she is worth the wait and that I know she is guarded and I’ll prove to her she can trust me. She told me that it will just take time hopefully but then this Monday said how she only wants to be friends at this current point in time.
I need help on what to do. I know she is very guarded and was hurt I mean she was engaged and that ended years ago. I haven’t asked much about it because I don’t know how to. But I’ve been trying to express to her I like her a lot and find her worth it.
Any advice what to do to get her to open up? I want to honestly be in a relationship with her she means so much time.
Thank you for your time
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like you’re going to have to back down a bit. At least for a while. I’m not saying give up, I’m simply suggesting that you play it a bit cool for a while. You can still be her friend, but keep it casual. Don’t even flirt with her, unless she initiates it. Some people get scared when the other person shows all their cards too soon in the game. I hate to relate dating to a game, but it is to a certain extent until you find that person that everything unfolds with so naturally that there are no need for games. But until that magical moment happens, you might have to try a few different tactics to try to find out where you really stand with this girl. She’s probably not trying to send you mixed messages, she’s probably just trying to figure out how she feels about things too. And remember, there could be so much more to her back story than you know, don’t take it too personally. Sometimes people just aren’t ready to get serious with anyone.
You say she’s very guarded, so perhaps building a solid friendship with her first might be the best way to get her to let down those walls she’s built up around her. And during the process of getting to know each other, she might fall hard for you. Or, you might even find out she’s not exactly a perfect match for you? You really never know. I’ve known people in the past that when I first met them, I felt an immediate attraction to them. But over the course of getting to know them as friends, I no longer found them sexually attractive, for whatever reason. That’s not bad either. It just gives you both time to get to know each other without any pressure on either one of you.
Phase two of my advice is:
Live your life as if she’s not an option. Date other girls or other people. And if you’re ‘friends’ with her, you don’t need to hide that fact. Sometimes seeing someone dating someone else, sparks an interest that before, when it seemed like it was being given to them on a silver platter and they didn’t want it, now looks pretty tasty sitting on some other girl’s plate. Get what I mean? Sorry for the horrible mix of metaphors but you asked me for my advice and this is it.
1. Friend zone her hard.
2. Get to know her as a friend, like for real. Because friends are important, and that’s a win win for both of you even if nothing romantic ever develops.
3. Date other people and don’t shove it in her face, but don’t hide it either. Genuinely just look for fun experiences with good people and you’ll never regret it. And if seeing how much fun you are and how cool you are doesn’t make her see you in a romantic way, then it just wasn’t meant to be. And that’s totally ok, because you have a world of people and possibilities ahead of you.
4. Look at this and every experience you have with girls as a learning experience that will give you more confidence with the next girl. Even the seemingly embarrassing or heart breaking moments literally will make you into a more interesting person. So don’t put your life on hold for someone that isn’t ready to live it full out with you. Just let her figure her *ish out while you go on about your business and let her realize how amazing of a catch you are.
5. One last note, is that there’s also always the possibility that she’s dating someone else or multiple people. Which is fine, because that’s what you get to do when you’re single … is mingle! So you should too, hence refer to #3 again.
I hope something in this helps. Feel free to leave a comment and let me know what happens. Also if any readers have any free advice for our Dear Anonymous, let her have it in the comments. But let her have it nicely, like she’s your sister or best friend that you don’t want to see her heart get stepped on.
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