Advice for a Lovely Slovakian
Dear Sasha,
erm, I don’t even know how to start all this and I really don’t know why I’m writing to you either but…maybe it’s because I don’t like to talk to people about my personal, inner life, not even to my friends and I feel like I need to get certain things out of my system but I don’t know how so…please bare with me.
I’ve started reading your blog some time ago and I like it veeeery very much, it’s like the only thing with such a subject that really caught my attention. Anyhow…wait, I have to figure out why I’m bothering you…oh, yes. People write to you about their problems concerning relationships and stuff right, so…I was thinking I might give it a try too. The thing is- I think there must be something wrong with me or that I must be doing something wrong. I’m gonna be 21 tomorrow and till now I’ve only had one relationship that I would label ‘a relationship’ even though I was 16 then and it lasted only for three months so it wasn’t anything ground braking. Before or after that, nothing. And it was with a girl. I’ve never had anything with men and I don’t even want to but that’s not the point here I think, the point is- my lack of any kind of a girlfriend. And it’s not just that nobody seems to be interested in me but also that I’m the only lesbian I know. Even the one girl I had turned me down for another girl (and she told me on my birthday by the way, it’s actually kinda funny) and now they both have boyfriends. My best friend, who I thought was at least bisexual and on whom I had a platonic crush at one point, has a boyfriend now too. And I don’t know where else to turn since I don’t have that many friends and all of them are heterosexual. I also can’t just walk into a gay bar cause I live in Slovakia (which is in the middle of Europe) and even though I live in the capital we only have like one such place in here and 99% of people who go there are male. …and they don’t throw you very nice looks when you walk in there trying to have some fun.
I guess I’m not that kind of a person who would just go to a random stranger and say ‘Oh hi, you look kinda cool, can I have your number? Oh, and aren’t you, by any chance, a lesbian?’ No. I need a bit more time around people to get comfortable but once I’ve reached that level I’m very talkative and sociable and everything…
So,um…I really don’t know what to do and where to meet girls like me. My sexual experiences are reduced to that two times I was so wasted I hardly remember anything, I’m still friends with those girls, both have boyfriends and nor I, nor they take it as anything serious. And I’m starting to be a little afraid that when I finally do find a girl I wouldn’t know how to satisfy her sexually. If I find a girl that is, which I don’t see happening in the near future. In any future, in fact. I kinda persuaded myself that I don’t need a relationship and that I’m better off on my own and that maybe I’m destined to spend my whole life alone or something but…sometimes it does suck when all I see around me are people hooking up and people being with somebody that love them and everything. And then I’m reduced to thoughts like ‘damn, I’m more pretty than her, how come she has someone and I don’t, that’s so unfair…but how do I know I’m more pretty, maybe I’m just ugly as shit and nobody wants me cause of that..’
That’s all I wanted to say I guess, and even if you won’t reply, I’ll at least feel like I finally did something cause I was planning on writing to you for more than three months now actually 😀
…and I never know how to end emails to strangers so… the end 😉
Well, I’m glad it only took you three months to write to me. 😉 I promise, I don’t bite and neither do most women, unless you ask politely. Which is one way of telling you, you need to work on getting out of that shell of yours! At least, a little? Pretty please?
OK, so last I checked, I don’t know diddly squat about Slovakia. But going on what you’ve told me, it looks like you’re going to have take things into your own hands. And this is where the internet can be your be your best friend. Long gone are the days that meeting people online was looked down on, and thought of as a last resort for the socially awkward or facially challenged. Now, it seems like EVERYONE and their momma has met their partners online! Seriously.
Look into some online social networking that has local girls on it. Set up group coffee dates for all the gay girls in your area. This is actually a prime opportunity for you to become the queen of the lesbian social scene in your area. If there isn’t any “lesbian scene” then make one.
Create little gathering opportunities for other gay girls to come out and play. It doesn’t have to be one on one dates. It can be small groups and if sparks fly? Awesome! If not, well the night could result in some new friends. Some new GAY friends. And that is always a good thing. Because nothing makes you look gayer then hanging out with other gay people.
I’m serious. Maybe you don’t have a girlfriend, because you’re not sending off any gaydar activating vibes!
As for infiltrating the one gay boy bar in town. Just do it. Go in there, with a smile and stake out a little table or area where you can people watch. Smile at everyone, especially other women. I’m sure other lesbians go there, if there isn’t anywhere else to go. Don’t worry if it’s 99% men, it oly take 1 woman to change your life.
Oh, I almost forgot!!! You’re only 21. Let me repeat that, YOU’RE ONLY 21!!!!! There is nothing wrong with you for not having a long string of lovers in your wake. Give yourself time, it will happen. ……. You might just need to give it a nudge. 😉
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Awesome advice. Reading this actually helps me a lot to. =3
Your sense of self worth is not connected to anything external. It’s not connected to having a significant other. Trust me it sucks seeing couples everywhere. I totally understand. I’m way older than you 😉 and I’m single so I totally get it. However just because you are single now it’s not a life sentence it just means the universe hasn’t brought the two of you together yet, be very careful who you date.
Sasha- Excellent advice. Hugs miss you my friend! Hi to your lubby.
Don’t get hung up on how many girlfriends you’ve had or think you should have had by now. I’m almost 28, have slept with 6 girls (6 people total actually!) and have had 3 (what I class as) relationships. I’m perfectly happy with that, that’s what works for me. Others prefer higher numbers by my age and that’s fine too, that’s what works for them. Disregard the term ‘normalcy’ – everything in life is highly individualized. Find what works for you and what makes you happy.
And as Sasha said above – surrounding yourself with similar people and putting yourself out there is a positive step forward. I know it can be daunting and risky but I’d rather be out there giving it a go than hiding away feeling sorry for myself.
I know how this girl feels. The closest gay ANYTHING to me is over an hour away so I can’t go. The only local girls that are into girls are bisexual. I could handle that if they weren’t the type to have a man, and a woman thinking that’s ok. Sorry, monogamy is a big no no in my book. I’ve met a few that aren’t and we tried dating but nothing clicked. I know I’m only 19 so I have plenty of time but that doesn’t make right now any less lonely. Just keep your head held high is what I keep telling myself and maybe you’ll run into someone out of nowhere that you just click with, you’ll meet someone on one of the dozen dating sites, or you’ll get to move somewhere with a gay community. Gotta have patience which I never have.
I can’t thank you enough for this Sasha, and all you ladies that commented as well cause you really made me…well, want to do something about my situation 😀 You’re right, I do need to go out and start meeting people and organize stuff instead of relying on someone to do it for me. And maybe start giving out more of that gayvibe while I’m at it…even tho I dunno how I’m gonna pull that out exactly o.O
Anyway, thanks a lot and- I really laughed when I saw that Slovakia pic XD
I really feel for you lovely slovakian. I know it sucks. In the part of the world where I live, if a woman so much as looks at another woman “funny” she could wind up in jail. Homosexuality is a capital crime here, punishable for up to 14 years in prison with hard labour. A friend of mine was arrested for being gay after a random tip-off. Throughout the several days that she was in detention, the police officers got some of the male prisoners to gang-rape the gayness out of her. And I am afraid that it worked. So while I appreciate that your situation is hard, take heart because it could always be far worse. At the risk of grievous bodily and emotional harm not only at the hands of every other Christian fundamentalist and gay-basher, but most frequently at those of the authorities themselves, some of us do not let the world get in the way of our happiness. We carry on ogling and chatting up beautiful women regardless. My advice is to take advantage of the small mercies that are available to you to start living your authentic life today. If you look hard enough and in the right places, you’ll find that they are there. Some excellent ideas of how you can kick-start this process have already been suggested. Go for it and good luck!
Whoah, Zephyrstone! I’m really sorry about your friend. 🙁 Here it’s kinda the same but in some ways it is better… people have a bit more of a live and let live attitude but the hate crimes are still rampant.
Sasha, thanks for the advice. It’s helped me as well. Especially the age thing. I am also 21 but I keep thinking that I won’t find any gay friends let alone girlfriends. Time to get my butt out of the house and be social. 🙂
I know Novia! It’s at times of such hate crimes that it is hard not to lose total faith in the world, isn’t it? But you just gatta keep positive. Yeah, get your butt out of the house and have a fabulous time!
Zephyrstone- Wow I am sincerely sorry to hear about your friend. It makes me sick that hate crimes exist. Unfortunately they are WAY too common but either go completely unknown or people turn a blind eye and deaf ears. One of my ,previous we grew apart because of this issue 🙁 , best friends just married a man who knows/knew he was/is gay. They went to “Christian fundamentalist” every weekend for literally 2 years to “talk the gay out of him”. Yeah that was so upsetting hearing about for those years that we have grown apart. Though I will absolutely be here for her when he leaves her for another. For a man that is. And honestly, he should if that is who his is. And hello who you are is who you are- he IS gay and that is TOTALLY fine. And the “gay gang rape” WTF that makes me BEYOND sick. She is now with men out of fear most likely and not out of attraction because trust me you DO have fast backs when abused. Though I was definitely never gang raped I can only imagine the unspeakable turama. God people really suck some times. However there ARE good people out there. You just have to search hard for your diamond in the rough.
You’re right Jazmenha, she is now married to a man undoubtedly out of fear. I mean she is after all in the police records for her “crimes of lesbianism” so anything short of marrying a guy would not have convinced the authorities that she had been converted while in prison. Basically, the torture continues. It’s unbearable to even think about, let alone live through. I am generally an upbeat person and I really don’t like to talk about intense stuff like this, but maybe sometimes everybody needs to hear about the realities the other half of humanity faces. Yes, people suck sometimes and there are bad things that happen out there. But just hold on tight to the belief that human-beings are inherently good.
Agreed Zephyrstone I too am upbeat but find the longer I live in the area I live and see the heartlessness I become changed. Not for the better. I am now nervous to be around people I don’t know and or people I know who have shown themselves untrustworthy. Now I have to literally
have to force myself to be social. I would much rather
stay home with my dog. Bottom line connecting back to the post one needs to somehow get themselves out their to meet people and if they are lucky they will meet somewhere with whom they can genuinely be themselves.
Jazmenha, forget those hateful ignorant people. So many beautiful things on a regular day, focus on them. No shaking!
Zephyrstone I agree but lately it takes ALL I have to venture out socially. I DO try to fight those feelings and get out there. It is amazing how f-ed up abuse of any kind can leave you while the abuser is so mentally f-ed up they are completely unaffected by what they did. Ironically my recent rescue dog was SEVERELY 🙁 abused so the two of us understand eachother. Someone said we are two peas in a pod. 😉 In helping her become stronger I too am healing. Full circle. Not what happens to u but that u grow and keep on moving forward. Our feet face forward on our bodies for a reason. We weren’t meant to walk backwards through our lives. 😉