Advice for a Femme with a Butch Problem
Hi Sasha,
I’ve recently become addicted to your blog, especially all the butch/femme threads. I’m in Australia and haven’t really had all that much exposure to the Butch/Femme dynamic and am becoming fascinated by it. I’m trying to work out where I sit in the spectrum. I know labels aren’t for everyone but I really feel if I can discover where I fit then I’ll understand myself and my relationships better. I didn’t realize there was more to my sexually identity then lesbian!
On the outside I’m definitely femme – I love to dress up and look sexy, have an unhealthy obsession with heels (which my partner enables!), long hair, make-up and all that other stuff. I want my partner to take charge (especially between the sheets), to look after me, be the strong one and have a dominant (not domineering!) personality. But on the other hand I’d like to have equal say in where we go, what we do, what our money is spent on. I want to have a good paying job so I can spoil my girl and take her out. Sometimes I want to be in control in the bedroom.
I’m in a relationship at the moment with an old-school butch. She prefers to do everything for me while I sit around and look pretty. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel I need to be looked after to that degree. I’m used to making a contribution and I’d like to help with cooking, household chores etc (most of the time). Whenever I do help though I’m told to sit down, relax, go study. It’s becoming increasingly frustrating because I feel my skills aren’t being appreciated or utilized. My input is only ever wanted when she asks for it, not when I freely want to give it. My previous relationship was an emotionally abusive one and as a result I am now super sensitive to issues of control VS free-will. My question I guess (I didn’t know I had one at the start of this email!) is how do I heed the warnings of past relationships without fucking up the current one? I don’t want to punish my girlfriend for perceived attacks on me due to my hyper-awareness and sensitivity. Also, would knowledge of the butch/femme dynamic help me at all do you think?
Thank you very much
Dear Femme,
I can totally relate to this situation, and I understand where you’re coming from! It’s nice to have someone want to take care of you in such an all inclusive way. But at times, it can get stifling! And learning from past relationships that were less then healthy, is the right thing to do. So how can you find a balance between being the pampered femme of her dreams and being the free-will femme of yours? Let’s take a look at a few things here:
Would knowledge of the butch/femme dynamic help you? Knowledge is always a good thing. So in a broad sense, I’m going to say yes. But in a specific sense, it can only help you as much as your partner identifies within it as well. Have you ever asked her how she sees herself? How she identifies? And what roles she thinks you should play? These are all vital questions and if your haven’t asked yet, you should. Tonight.
I can understand your fears coming from an abusive relationship, into a new one. You’re probably hyper aware of any red flags but at the same time, you don’t want to take out your insecurities on your new relationship. This is again, the time for open, honest communication.
I think that a lot of this … Actually all of this can be solved with a few well timed conversations. First of all you need to figure out how she sees herself, her role in relationships and even how she wants to be perceived by the world? It’s important to know these things, because it will help you to figure out how to best word your desires to her, without accidentally offending her or stepping on her toes.
For example, let’s say she identifies as butch and thinks its her role to take care of the femme in all ways. Well, that is where you can negotiate with her and help her to see that taking care of you, includes making you feel needed and allowing you to feel and be a whole person. After she tells you what she thinks she should be doing, ask her what roles she’s comfortable letting you take on?
Then, after she lists them, add a few of your own things. But if she’s old school butch, you might have to be careful how you word it. You don’t want to make her feel defensive or hurt her ego. Example: “I think it’s so amazing that you want to and are capable of taking care of me in so many ways. But I want to be able to give back to you too. I want to be able to show you how much I care by being able to do certain things for you too.”
It’s important that you make it very clear to her that you appreciate her and all the things she does for you. But then, you can gently, help her see things from your point of view and how allowing you to be an equal participant in the relationship will only better things for both of you!
This might require some negotiating on what she feels comfortable with and perhaps, over time, the list will get longer. In the end, successful relationships are always based on honest communication and respect for one another. Be honest with her. Tell her how it makes you feel and why you want to be able to do certain things for yourself and for her.
Does that make sense?? I hope so and I really want to know how it goes, so keep in touch!
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Spot on advice! Best of luck you, Australia Femme!
Also, I do have to add that just because you enjoy the butch-femme dynamic, and there are aspects of this relationship and person that you genuinely love does not mean that it’s the right one for you! Don’t fall into the trap of feeling that just because something is a healthy relationship, assuming that it is the one for you. It can be tempting to hold on tight when you have something good after having something bad- in that front view it as a friendship. You should be kind to your friends, but sometimes people just aren’t right for each other. Not saying that’s the case for this one, just saying bear it in mind, and try not to be too hard on yourself when it comes to that.
Excellent advice, Sasha!! I agree with everything you said. The dichotomy of old school butches is endearing. Hard as nails, broad shoulders, capable, competent, yet in so many ways, so incredibly fragile. They can take on the world to defend you, yet can be completely shattered with just a look or a misused word. Tread carefully is the best advice. I can understand you wanting to pitch in and pull some weight so she doesn’t have so much on her plate, or maybe you are feeling like the child to her adult. Approach her lovingly. A good old school butch is a rare creature and worth her weight in diamonds. Let us know how it goes.
Thank you Sasha for posting this and thank you everyone for your advice.
I do try and talk to her regularly, I’m emotional and quite an over-thinker so can be quiet for days and then suddenly hit her with everything I’ve been thinking about (not the best approach I know, working on that). I’m also not the most eloquent and still find it difficult to convey my feelings and opinions without the fear of being cut down for them. She too has been hurt in the past, like most people, and doesn’t open up easily which can be frustrating at times! I’m coming to realize her non-verbal cues of love and affection but would find it so much easier if she would just talk!
Elegy – thank you, that’s always in the back of my mind. She’s the only gf I’ve had that I could even consider being just friends with. She’s amazing.
Rexie – she is everything you said and so much more! The ‘child to her adult’ comment really hit a chord with me as well. She’s 20 years older than me which creates a lot of exciting differences but I’m constantly worried she’s going to end up feeling like a mother figure to me. Something I definitely DON’T want! This is compounded by the fact I’ve gone back to study (career change!) so am only working part-time and can’t contribute as much financially. Something I am not used to at all. I also constantly worry that I won’t be enough for her, a throw back from my past relationship for sure but a feeling I just can’t shake yet. And yes, we have talked about this issue too. I’m just highly anxious and neurotic, I need to hear things a few times and from a few different angles before I’m happy 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. It really helps to write about it, clears up my head a bit.
Cheers, Girls 🙂
You’re welcome. If it’s any consolation, as she prefers to do these things I doubt she’d feel like a motherly figure to you in that sense. It’s far likelier she’d view you with a warm protectiveness and that’s how it manifests. Since you said you are not the most eloquent, I would right down your needs. If she enjoys taking care of and nurturing you, express some needs; Maybe one or three days a week, you need to take care of her in some way she’d be comfortable with; you definitely need to feel needed- and being able to put in suggestions and opinions that are actively received ties in with that.
Who needs the advice columnist “Dear Abby” when “Dear Sasha” kicks serious advice booty.
Well, through talking, thinking and this website I’ve come to the realization that I need to give myself a break. I’ve been through a lot of changes in the past 12 months and I don’t think I’ve really given myself the chance to just stop and relax. I’m always busy planning what to do or what to say if this happens, or this, etc. I need to give myself the chance to get used to life being very different to what I thought it was going to be and just enjoy the moment.
🙂
If she chose to be with you, then you ARE enough for her. Maybe in the future you won’t be, or maybe in the future she won’t be enough for you. But right now, as it stands, you two are enough for each other. Afterall, she is with you, right?
Abusive relationships have red flags. Remove yourself in your mind from your past relationship and study it clinically – both your ex and the relationship. You will see and understand those red flags and learn the difference between abusive behaviors and overprotective ones.
And I agree – write down your thoughts. Oftentimes I find when I write (or journal) a situation, connections are made and things are understood (by me) that wouldn’t happen if I left them clanging around my head or just spit them out in a conversation.
Btw, how awesome that you found someone willing to support you – emotionally most importantly but financially as well – while you’re going through so many changes. You’ll be the stronger for it all.
not sure if anyone reads late comments but as a fellow aussie id like to also say that the whole butch/femme thing is not as clear here as it seems to be in LA-everyone goes for the kinda andro/Shane McCutcheon look so it can be really hard to work out where you fit in. i identify as femme but in effort to fit in ive done the whole andro thing and it just wasnt me-i felt i had to look like everyone else so i could ‘fit’ in to the scene. i can understand why its so hard for femmes because ive received abuse myself, accused of being straight or too scared to ‘look gay’ . its a different world here as far as that goes but i am me and in the end you are you. i feel like starting a femme club just so we have somewhere to go without judgment sometimes.
This is such a wonderful page. I happen to be on the other end of the spectrum here. I’ve met this woman who has everything I’ve dreamed of having in a woman. She keeps telling me that she’s waiting for me to take the lead. While I am an old school butch and will do absolutely anything for her, I feel like I’m at a loss here. I find myself stumbling with my words and confused about what exactly it is she wants me to do. We’ve been texting for a few months and I feel like I’m getting nowhere but on her nerves…..please help. I don’t want to feel like a pussy (excuse the language) for even writing all of this down. But even the strongest women need to ask for help sometimes.
This is a wonderful old post. I am in my first gay relationship with an old school butch that’s in the process of becoming a trans man. I am enjoying getting to know him, he’s 11years older, sensitive and comes off as a bad boy. And he often misunderstands me reacts and words. This has been very helpful.