Advice For a Femme Lesbian in the Closet
Firstly I want to say that I *love* reading your blog. Even though Im lesbian, Im not actually all that interested in… things aimed at the gay community, like Mardi Gras… or gay porn. (bad example, I know – shows how out of touch I am.) But I really like your blog.
Ive got 2 problems Id like advice on:
1. Well firstly… I think I’m cursed to only ever like straight women. There’s at least 10 women I can think of that Ive liked, and 2 that Ive absolutely loved to death, but sooner or later, through the course of conversation, I found out they were all married. Worst of all, they all assumed I was straight. Of course I never told any of these women how I liked them in fear they would avoid me. Similar to another girls problem before me, everyone assumes I dress up to attract men. This becomes quite obvious when men have literally stopped their trucks in green lights briefly to look at me while women have either kept walking or glanced in disgust. (Ive tried the whole subtle one earring, rainbow-colours thing, but doesn’t make a difference. I don’t want to be TOO out there, because if people suddenly know they might not be friends with me. Its not that they’re the “wrong” people – Ive just been lying for so long.) I currently dress up every Thursday for a woman I like but obviously to no avail.
2. (This might be something Id like to hear from readers as well) – how do I know a girl likes me? I know Asian cultures are completely different from the West, but after being surrounded by Asians for some time, Ive learned (and very quickly too) that when they hold hands with you, or try to grab your breasts if you’re a foreigner especially, or want to sleep with you or WHATEVER it is, its only a sign of friendship. For example, a woman I met on the STREET paid for my lunch and said we should go out for coffee. She ended up being straight and married too. When I was on exchange, I was taken out for drinks by my host sister, talked about sex in the car (generally), got home and she gave me a massage – except, she was straight and newly married and not into women. And kept encouraging me to get a boyfriend.
I smile at women, they smile back. I accidentally brush them and they say “no worries”. I send emails or texts with hearts and smiles and do the same back. But they dont mean it the way I do…
I just feel like after all these things if a girl ever flirts with me Ill *NEVER* know it, and then she’ll slip away… And that I’m destined to be single and bereft of reciprocation for a good portion of my life. Ive had so many guys ask me out and not a single girl. And it sucks.
Thanks in advance <3
You wrote, “I’m not actually all that interested in… things aimed at the gay community, like Mardi Gras… or gay porn.” —– Ummm first off, you need to expand your circle of gay friends. Because I actually don’t know anyone who would list those two things very high on their interest list. The gay community is about so much more!!! In my experience it’s more about politics, art, love, friends and fashion!!!
But OK, let’s assume that there may be a language barrier. That can be tricky. Not just a language barrier but a cultural barrier as well. If you’re in an Asian country, I’m not sure how to advise you because, like you said Asian cultures can be very different from the West. However, I have NEVER heard of random women grabbing another woman’s breast on the street. (Again something that gave me pause about responding to this.)
So I will try to give as universal advice as possible for your two main problems.
1. You like straight women and everyone assumes that you too are straight.
Well the first major problem is that you wrote, “I don’t want to be TOO out there, because if people suddenly know they might not be friends with me. Its not that they’re the “wrong” people – Ive just been lying for so long.”
As a femme lesbian, you will constantly be thought of as straight until proven otherwise. The only way to combat that, even just a little bit is to be TOO OUT. You have to live honestly and be proud of who you are. If you’re lying about who and what you are, how do you expect others to see through the lies? It sounds like you’re still in the closet? If that’s the case, the first step is coming out.
A lot of gays and lesbians find that meeting like minded people online is safer and easier then trying to go out to bars. Maybe you should start there. Get online and find other gay girls that you can connect with and share your experiences with. It might give you more confidence to go out into the real wold and be more OUT.
2. How to know if a girl likes you?
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this. Women are complicated, subtle creatures. Made even worse by most societies that teach girls to be the pursued, never the pursuer. Which leads to a lot of confusion when there’s no man to be the aggressor. (Especially if both women are femmes and both may be new to the scene.)
So where does this leave you? It leaves you having to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. If you suspect a girl has feelings for you, flirt with her. If she flirts back, ask her out. ON A DATE.
Yes, this can be scary. She might say no!!! But she might say yes!!!
God I wish there was an easier way to be a femme lesbian. But there isn’t. It’s a lot of wondering, guessing and hoping. Eventually, you’re going to have to take more control and start asking girls out. Or at least asking if they’re into other girls. That will open the door for her to ask you out, if she knows you’re gay.
I do feel like I’m repeating myself in all of my advice blogs but that’s because the facts don’t change. If you want others to know you’re a lesbian, you have to be honest about being a lesbian. If you’re femme, you’re going to be presumed straight, which puts the burden of proof on you. Which leaves you with a few options, wear something that screams that you’re gay, change your look to be perceived as gay (I don’t advocate this, I think we should accept ourselves and celebrate our diversity), tattoo “I LIKE GIRLS” on your arm or you can BE HONEST with the women you’re interested in.
Being honest is harder then it sounds. It has a lot of repercussions, especially if you’re used to living a lie. But the rewards far outweigh he negatives.
My last little bit of advice to you is next Thursday, when you’re all dressed up …. go up to the woman you’re dressing for and ask her out to dinner. Unless she’s married. Stay away from married women.
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Asian cultures are different from here in the USA its true that there they can be much more “friendly” with their friends that are also women. I’m not an expert since all my info is coming from anime and mostly manga but, try to get out there and meet like minded people like Sasha said don’t be to afraid I know that it can be scary but in the end it will totally be worth it. =)
Dear Sasha- You always give the best advice.
Dear Femme needing advice- It is definitely scary to flirt not knowing if someone is lesbian. God knows I flirted with several women I mistakenly thought were gay (i have horrible gaydar) and made a total fool of myself and even lost a
friend over this. When I met a very special butch women a couple months ago I did not want to assume she was gay I played it extremely safe. I told her that I believe gender has nothing to do with love thinking this would cover my bases if she was straight she would not think I was flirting BUT if she wasn’t straight she would definitely know I was flirting. Well it worked 😉 yeah she is definitely NOT straight- thank God! 😉
“Yes, this can be scary. She might say no!!! But she might say yes!!!”
or she might say “soon” or “maybe” and then you wait/wonder in agony.
Okay, here’s a small suggestion: buy a piece of Sasha’s jewelry! I’m serious, wear something that’s sexually symbolic. A small earring won’t work. Trust me, I’m speaking from personal experience. BTW: Jaz, have you finally met someone special? I hope so. You deserve it:).
I second Ricki – but I’d make it a BIG suggestion! I have similar problems to you, so I decided to buy a few pieces of Sasha’s jewelry. Be out, be proud. You’ll find that the people who swing your way will notice, the rest will give a passing glance & move on. Good luck!
Dyke Disclaimer: Sasha did not either pay or bribe any of her jewelry endorsers. She didn’t even offer them a discount on her Etsy site. Honest, that wasn’t a hint. I hope, irihanra, that the jewelry is working its magic:).
Hahahaha Thank you Ricki for that disclaimer!!!! Although I was super excited to see that you girls endorsed my jewelry!!!
But I think it’s more then fair to NOW offer you girls a great discount if you ever come back for more!!! Email me on etsy and I’ll figure something out. 🙂
And I will be posting some new designs since all of these emails I’ve been getting about femme invisibility.
Thanks Ricki & Sasha,
The jewelry is on its way to me on the other side of the world, but I’m more than certain it’ll work its magic once it’s arrived! So much love & good energy has gone into it, & like attracts like! Good luck y’all! 🙂
Hey Jaz – I too want to know if you have met someone? 🙂
Ricki and FL- (blushing) yes I
did (unfortunately she lives in another state OMG I miss her!!! We text everyday etc) but this post has nothing to do with me. Back on the post topic- my advice for this femme is when you meet a lady of interest but not sure of your gaydar try saying what I did to her “I believe gender has nothing to do with love” this covers your bases 😉 if she is straight she will not think you’re flirting BUT if she isn’t straight she’ll definitely know you’re flirting.
And Sasha’s jewelry is an AWESOME idea. Her pieces are very classy, creative and empowering. Knowing Sasha’s passion towards all endeavors that she takes on it is a VERY safe bet to say her jewelry is of highest quality.
Jaz, thanks for assuaging our collective curiosity, congrats!. I know that it was off topic, but this is a caring community. It sounds like we’re all supporting Sasha’s jewelry, and its ability to make a strong, social statement. Irihanra, please keep us posted on your progress:).
Thanks Ricki 🙂
I suggest that dear Femme meets someone who lives close to her- at least in the same state 😉 it is VERY hard to have strong feelings for someone so far away. Better than never meeting though 😉 Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
You’re most welcome, Jaz. I hope that you, and everyone on CCL has a happy, healthy holiday:). Good advice, too. I’ve been involved in long distance relationships, and they can be very hard. Sometimes, though, love can still triumph.
Hi Jaz!!! I’m so happy to hear that! Yay!!! 🙂
Thanks Sasha I’ll have to write u directly. Unfort she lives in another state 🙁 so who knows (its all brand new) but OMG she is beyond HOT! OMG I wish she lived here!!!!!
Totally true about Asian culture. I’ve been living in China for a couple of months, and girls hold hands, cuddle, grope, and do all sorts of things that would normally make your gaydar ping. Here though… it’s just normal. Just this morning, the nice old Chinese lady that helps take care of my building patted my shoulder, then proceeded to grab my boob. This is a strange, mysterious place.
Yeah I dont have any gay friends, which probably explains it. I suppose I just wanted to keep this sort of thing secret from some people (SOME friends and SOME family know) because I didnt want to lose them. Especially after hearing them say things like “Lesbians kissing in public – thats so gross/disgusting.”
I wonder if the person above can give me advice on flirting with Asians – it always seems to be the classic “Ill treat you like my daughter” type stuff lol.
In terms of things that scream gay, theres always been a “looking for a chinese girlfriend” shirt Ive always wanted to have 😉
Staying away from married women isnt as easy as it sounds – a lot of them dont wear rings. Either that or Im blind.
I think the author of this post hasn’t come out yet, being out there is very dangerous, you get rejected a lot, people often compares you to a pevert. So I wouldn’t suggest that she should come out, take your time, ask the people around you how would they feel if you were a lesbian, that’s when you’ll know how they will react. I’m 27 I haven’t come out yet either because I know how they will react. I know people change their minds all the time, but I’m not prepared to go ther.