A Young Butch
I just read a comment from a young reader and she asks for some advice on figuring out if she’s butch or not. As you all know, this is not a simple “Yes or No” answer. So I decided to dedicate an entire post to it. This way, in addition to me being able to rant about my love for all things butch, the comments section will also be open to anyone that might want to chime in here and help our young friend navigate the butch/femme dynamic. 🙂
Ok here we go ….
Young Butch wrote: hi sasha its me again plse can you help me i dnt know if im really a butch ok im going to describe myself to you im big built im 5 ft 9 inches i work out alot i lift weights and also do powerlifting i hate dresses and anything too femine i wear mostly baggy jeans and t.shirt or men dress shirt i love converse sneakers and those huge steel toe boots i have long hair but rarely loose it down i get mistaken for a man most of the time so im afraid to go out day time and ooh im gothic plse plse plse sasha from what i have told you am i butch
Well this is a loaded question, Young Butch. I can’t tell you definitely, that yes or no, you are a butch or not. The term “butch” means so many things for so many people. All I can tell you is what I think of when I hear the term “butch.” I think being butch is about so much more then how you look. It’s about how you feel inside, and how you treat others. It’s also about how you want the world to perceive you.
All of the self-identified butches I know, pride themselves on being the “providers” in their relationship. They tend to take on the more masculine role in relationships. They like to be the one to open doors, pay for dates, are chivalrous and want to take care of their partners in many ways. Now this doesn’t mean that they always do these things! It’s just been my personal experience.
As far as appearance goes? I know that a lot of butches have decided to cut their hair and wear more masculine clothing to better reflect how they feel inside, or because it’s just what makes them comfortable. Who cares if strangers mistake your gender? Don’t let that stop you from being who you want to be! Just from your self-description, I might see you on the street and assume that you’re butch …. but that’s not always accurate. That’s just the window dressing … what really matters is what’s inside.
But I also know a few butches that look femme on the outside. They have long hair, wear makeup and high heels but inside, mentally and emotionally they feel butch. They take on all the traditional butch roles in their relationships but they feel comfortable looking feminine. That’s totally OK too!
To me, being “butch” isn’t about what you look like, it’s about how you feel. And it’s about an energy that you possess and others just naturally feel it. When I call someone “butch” it’s ALWAYS a compliment. It means I saw something in them that made me feel safe and taken care of. It’s a certain kind of strength that just emanates from you, no matter how you dress or do your hair.
So, are you butch? I don’t know yet. You tell me. 🙂
Do you feel like you would take more of an aggressive role in a relationship?
Do you always want to pay or drive, or open doors for the ladies?
Do you feel it’s your duty to protect the girl?
Do you feel butch?
This was not an extensive list of butch qualities and there are many ways to be butch. It’s slightly different for everyone and we should all respect that. This was just my personal experiences so far …… Remi doesn’t look butch. She likes the term “sporty.” But she’s definitely the butch to my femme and that’s the way we like it. 🙂
Oh wait! I forgot to tell you …. you don’t have to be butch or femme. There is a lot of in between. You don’t have to force yourself into the butch/femme dynamic. Just be who you want to be and who you feel comfortable being. It doesn’t have to fit any one label. You’re young ….. really young ….. you don’t have to pick one thing to be and stick with it forever. Life is about learning and growing. Allow yourself all the time in the world to explore different ways of being …. just always make sure that you stay true to yourself and what makes you happy.
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@ Sasha Very well written blog- lots of good points. Great to see you writing again. Hugs. OMG the pic with this blog is HOT! You find the best pics to put on your posts. 🙂 Hope you’re enjoying your time with Remi and getting some rest.
@ Young Butch Like Sasha said don’t worry about fitting into or choosing labels and just be yourself. 🙂
hi sash those questions u asked yes to all of em !!! i really feel like a i was born in the wrong body i attempted sucide 5 times in 9 years i nearly died 2 months ago i slit my wrists that how i ended up at the shrink thaks for your support and advice
thanks jazmenha
what makes me more sad is when my family say im posses by a evil lesbian spirt but im just being myself its soo hard to be true to myself in the caribbean sme men want to cure me but thank god i know to fight i got locked up once for breaking a chair in a guy face but he deserved it he touched me on my butt which is extremly dangerous for a guy to do to someone like me im sometimes unstable plse sash do i have to take my bi polar pills i dnt like them
Dear Young Butch, you mentioned that you feel like you were born in the wrong body? Have you ever heard of transgendered?
im not in relationship now cause i get a hard time trusting ppl so i stay to myself but its lonely im migrating soon from the caribbean to canada is that a safe place for teenage lesbians
yes but im going to stay the way i am
my dream is to study become a vet marry a woman be the sole breadwinner adopt kids have many pets and just be the best lubby i can be
thanks again for answering my questions
can you tell me about safe sex with lesbians
First and foremost, I think the fact that you call yourself “Young Butch” says more than anything any of us can tell you. I agree with Sasha though, butch/femme/soft butch/androgynous etc are more about energy than anything else, but also about how you feel comfortable presenting yourself.
I am a femme, because when someone says “dress up so you feel sexy/presentable at a social situation” the first two things to go on are heels and makeup. However, I’m very independent, outgoing, and some would say brash, and I like helping people/taking care of people (to an extent). But in a relationship, well, my mom has said since I was a young girl that “you need someone to take care of you. You like it.” Was she putting that in my head? Possibly, but it’s kinda true too (do NOT tell her I said that! ;-)). By your self-description, I too would classify you as butch if I saw you on the street. But the description is purely yours to make and own.
As for the Caribbean, I get it. One of my best friends is from there and he escaped for a similar reason. Even though he’s bisexual leaning towards women, he comes across as pretty fey and has been targetted before.
In terms of your bipolar – take care of it. However you take care of it, do it. Get a shrink, get someone helping you manage your behavior, get on the meds if it’s what you need. But bipolar isn’t an excuse for being violent – ever. Violence is a choice and you are in control of your reactions. If you’re not, you need to do something to take care of that and pronto.
Best to you.
@ Young Butch That was VERY painful to read about your 5 suicide attempts, your cutting and your almost dying 2 months ago. PLEASE watch some of those amazing “It gets better videos”. Please lean on people in your life. Trust me I TOTALLY understand all too well about the suicide attempts (ALL too well 🙁 so this is not coming from someone who hasn’t been there.) However, please hang in there- from now on you have CCL and our wonderful “blog leader” 🙂 Sasha.
@ Sasha did you read Young Butch- “….be the best lubby I can be”- too cute- see Sasha people read your blogs very carefully- smiles- hope you and YOUR lubby are doing well. Hugs.
Young Butch, did you get my email?
Young Butch, I agree with being yourself and not putting the pressures of labels on yourself. Unfortunately, labels will be put on you without you even putting yourself out there one way or another. For example, you already being mistaken for a man. So, just be you and do you, if you must have a label of butch or femme and need assistance just rely on your good ol’ heterosexual community to do that for you 🙂
Mz. Pink
hi sasha i got your email and yes thats ok if you trust her then i trust her also
thank you mizz pink,wwg,jazhamenha thanks for the love and support guys i now know this is a place i can come and feel comfortable and be myself i love all you guys from the bottom of my heart to the pit of my soul
Oh, wow.
Dear young butch,
I’m so glad you found Sasha.
I wish I could offer you more than words, but I can’t.
You’ve gotten lots of good encouragement here already. I can add my voice, and my thoughts, and my best wishes to that. I can also tell you that no, you’re not alone, and yes, there are lots of girls out here who get it, who get *you*. Being butch is something you find for yourself. It’s a journey, and a second coming out, even if only to yourself, and it’s lots and lots of things that I can’t begin to articulate for you in one little comment.
There’s lots of other bloggers online, too, who write about being butch, living butch, growing to accept themselves as butch. I write here about my husband as one of Sasha’s guest bloggers. Before Rhett was my husband, he was a self-described tomboy who grew into a butch. It’s only recently that he evolved into the transman he is today.
I’m going to close my comment now before it turns into a blog of my own and completely hijacks Sasha’s thread, but let me just add this. Sasha has my email address. It’s also published on my blog, which is linked on this comment. Feel free to get in touch directly if you’d like, if you think I can help. Regardless, I hope you keep talking. Keep asking questions. Keep reaching out.
You’ll be okay, just hang in there.
Much love from a butch-lovin’ femme,
~J
thank you j
You’re very welcome. Also, my blog didn’t link in the last comment. It is:
http://thissideofchanged.wordpress.com
I’m pretty easy to get in touch with. 😉 And my blogroll might have some things you’d be interested in reading, too.
ok j im will be there before you can say boya
For a while, after coming out, I refused to identify with any label, not even lesbian! Now, I’ve made peace with that. I was afraid to label myself as butch, though, because I don’t look like your traditional butch, and plus, I’m not into femmes.
I think everyone has said so far that butch is what you make of it.
Here’s me. I’m butch. I’m 5 feet tall and not even 100 pounds. I have long wavy hair down to my chest and a very feminine face. I can only be described as “delicate”. I’ve never fixed anything in my life…my girlfriend always does that. In bed, we switch roles. I am not always a top. I have 5 ear piercings.
But I am butch. And that works for me. It doesn’t have to work for anyone else. People still laugh at me when I say I’m butch. Even my best friends. But that doesn’t really matter, because it’s your own self definition that matters.
And I think it’s important to remember that as long as you know who you are, no one can dispute how you define. Butches don’t have to love femmes, or wear flannel, or have unpainted fingernails (currently mine are blue with sparkles). We can wear jewelry and take pride in having pretty hair. This does not make us any less butch.
My partner is your stereotypical butch. She wears flannel shirts and has never stepped into a skirt or a dress in her life. She doesn’t know how to walk in high heels. She’s never painted her nails or pierced her ears. She doesn’t wear any jewelry, not even a wedding ring. She never cries. I cry all the time. She fixes everything that needs to be fixed. BUT…she does not define as butch.
So really, it’s the way you define yourself. Butch for me is not the same as butch for Remi. It’s not the same as butch for you or for anyone else. You can be whoever you want. Just be confident in YOU.
Plus, it takes time. I can say that, because I’m starting to figure myself out. But also being relatively young, I feel hypocritical for saying so. But it does. It takes time. I was out as gay for 3 years before I even thought of coming out as butch. And my identity is still evolving.
It does that.
Sorry to ramble!!!
hi thats ok i dont mind at all it shows you care enough to share those stuff with me i get the picture that every butch is unique in their own special ways well im gothic and that mkes ppl think im a freak but im very freindly yet i dnt like to go out and talk much im so happy that i found sasha blog it changed my life really it did ppl like to look down on me with scorn but i say in my mind fuck them who are they to judge me im strong enough to relize my true self and be it
well im glad that i relized that im gay at a young age i can remember when i was six when playing doll house i loved to be the man it just seemed natural at age i kissed a girl my best friend it seemed so wonderful it never occoured to me to go kissed a boy heheehe im 19 now and i have never been with a man never dated one never kissed one sasha do you think that people are born gay? did i ? someone told me i should sleep with a man to be sure that im taking the right path what do you think? cause the thought of a man touchin me makes me so so i can even describe it sash oh is it ok for me to call you sash for short i dont like women touching me at my privates i love to hear women screaming my name when having sex (i only had sex once ) i can imagine myself at the bottom at all! i love to kiss sash are these butch qualities
opps im so excited i made some errors mmm ok i CANT imagine myself at the bottom and at age 8 i had my first gay kiss oh if its ok i will state some more stuff about me umm i hate cooking and cleaning i love building stuff painting houses i can fix just about any home appliance i know a little about fixing cars and trucks ( dnt mind getting my hands coverd in grease ) i love fast cars and big bikes im a animal rescuer and i voulnteer at red cross i love buying women nice stuff espically sexy underware i drink and smoke (i know i know im to young to do that)are these butch qualities ? i love snakes and spiders i just donjt know why i love wearing boxer shorts hey im rambling here! ok thats enough for now so sasha i waiting for youy and your frnds to comment …..oh wait they are my friends now awesome !!!!!
Dude. I’m a boxer kinda chick too. 😉 I wear boy shorts. And boxers. I love them. Email me please??
@Young butch…for all intents and purposes…you seem to like exactly what most of us butches like!! That is – a femme who we can wine and dine, open doors for; be their everything; show them how much we appreciate and love them for loving us. It’s all relative my friend – and true to our love for them. I believe you are a butch…because if you feel you want to do all of these things without really trying…because it feels so right, then you are butch in my book…and welcome!
Young Butch check out http://www.ivanecoyote.com/page/30/contact She is an amazing and inspirational speaker and from her blog/video etc it is easy to tell that she is a person of incredible character. She’s butch. Hopefully her words and wisdom will inspire you. Good luck. Jaz
thanks guys and k i did email you!!! here http://natoyarobinson@yahoo.com
and guys my laptop got broken uh i kind of threw it down (temper tantrum) so with my phone i can only read sasha blogs i cant leave comments aww. that sucks
im here at an internet next to a loud noisy man as i close my eyes i see myself ripping off this dudes head heheheheeheh
@ Young Butch I have been thinking about this all day and just have to say something to you, but I will try and not get all into my personal business too much beyond some background information. But I just HAVE to say this to you- be VERY careful that when you do find yourself attracted to a girl that she IS actually gay herself and not JUST experimenting to see what it is like but has NO intention of taking a relationship with another girl seriously. I have had VERY strong feelings towards other women for the last 10 years but never acted on any feelings (long story why not- my brother is gay and I saw/supported his entire coming out for 4 years and will not put myself through that hell of coming out so didn’t want to get another person involved in that etc). Anyhow,I recently went out with this girl “Crush” and she is/was NOT gay but ONLY experimenting- she went back to her x-boyfriend basically on our drive back (on the phone) from our first and only trip together because she “was not gay” (???)..Anyhow, it hurt like hell and I do NOT want you to go through that- that is the only reason I am bringing it up- to avoid you going through that. If I am blessed enough to meet another special girl I will for damn sure be sure that she is NOT just experimenting and that she is actually a lesbian. I just wanted to say this to you all day because it was truly awful. I was doing ok but then she called 2 days ago- not talked since the trip- and told me “You should know I have been staying with him” (whatever!) Anyhow, not to talk about my business, but I know you have lots of questions about your feelings etc and so I just really wanted to pass on these words of wisdom to you in hopes that you will never have to deal with that hurt.
Another thing, about your temper. This concerns me, and it is more than likely a symptom of a lot of things- needing to protect yourself in where you live, who you live with, how you’ve grown up, and coming to terms with who you are all contribute to things inside us and we all get them out in various ways. Your way is acting out (breaking your laptop, throwing stools/chairs), or comforting yourself with thoughts of acting out (acting violent towards an annoying guy). These are concerning on their own, but even more so you could end up hurting a future femme in your life. Sasha has this post on abusive lesbians, and I don’t want you to end up embodying either side of that coin.
https://www.cardcarryinglesbian.com/http:/cardcarryinglesbian.com/featured/abusive-lesbians#comments
@ Elegy and @ Young Butch- Elegy you bring up really good points that I do agree with you need to be addressed by Young Butch on her own personal level. Young Butch I am sure that you are a really good person just be sure you address your anger management issues and suicide issues. These scare me for you. A guy I dated many years back (when I was attracted to men- now NO thanks hehe) and he had horrible anger issues and it was complete hell on me – no one should go through that. The suicide stuff I personally relate and understand 🙁 and I respect where you are coming from on that. I pray you and I will both be stronger in this area- I know life is not easy (for anyone). The anger part I can not relate to personally- I am the opposite- I am too calm and that has it’s own “probs” lol I sincerely wish you all the best so please take good care of yourself. The better we take care of ourselves the better we can take care of other people.
@ Young Butch I really feel the need to add (TOTALLY from a place of concern and NOT judgement) that I am VERY, VERY worried about you “slitting your wrists” “2 months ago”. I have never been at that level and I have never experienced anything close to that so I can not imagine the pain, however I empathize and understand the depth of feeling like you can not go on. But you CAN and you WILL and now you have CCL to turn to.- To share your thoughts, feelings, concerns, questions, stories- you are NOT alone anymore so please lean of CCL.
typo – I meant – please lean on CCL.
Re: slitting your wrists, or cutting. I’ve been there, when I was 6 or so years old. I’m alive now, and that’s just my current perspective and advice to you: please stay alive.
Yes please stay alive! Watch those amazing “It gets better videos”. It is easy to say “stay alive” but trust me both Elegy and myself know all too well how hard it is to actually do it and to put one foot infront of the other and to live. You CAN do this! We have been there and we believe in your strength. I was feeling totally down today and I saw a 7 year old girl who was completely blind walking with a white cane. She wore a Santa hat and a huge smile. That stopped me in my tracks…life IS about perspective and inner strength. Young Butch you WILL get through this- even when you don’t want to or you don’t think you can – YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
Young Butch Please let us know you are doing ok. We are worries about your well being from some things you wrote and then you “disappeared” back into cyber space. Hopefully it is just because you broke your laptop and therefore don’t have access to internet/ CCL posting. Just wanted you to know we really hope you are ok- know you are going through lots of questions and lots of different (understandable) emotions and frustrations. Lean on CCL and let us know you are ok. Take care. Jaz
hi guys well i have to go to an internet cafe to get access to the net umm i have not been that good i dnt kno or understand why im crying so much and i have been scared to come out of the house in the day i feel more comfortable in the dark sasha is this part of bipolar ? jaz thank you so much for thinking about me and my wellbeing i appreciate that really i do and jaz i have found that every girl i meet they just want to expermient but i dnt give in that easily when it comes to sex .not that i dnt like it i do i love it but im very emotional and i cant just fuck a girl and move on i cant i kno a few girls that got their boyfriends and they want to have sex with me but i refuse cause i cant share my stuff with other people.elegy well i have read sasha’s post on abusive lesbians and i wont ever hurt my femme . here is the problem i have with women they notice im weak meaning i give them anything they want money,clothes,jellery etc i dnt even argue if she want to make a big fuss and want to quarrel i just give her some space if she dnt quiet down i just find a positive way to get out that pent up energy like crazy sex but i have never been in a suitation like that so i just assume thats what i will do but all i kno i wont ever hurt a woman
ok guys i have a secert i havent told anyone but im going to tell you guys and also how i grew up ok here goes i was suppose to be aborted by my mom she didnt want a baby but her friend my godmom stopped her and agreed that she will help take care of the baby i only knew about this recently …growing up was tough cause my mom was overprotective and locked me in the house when she went out which was ALOT i had no bros and sis i never knew my dad ok here is the secret my aunt husband used to touch me when i was a kid when i go to stay with them a weekends he would touch my private and when im asleep he would try and force his penis in my mouth i would play sleep and was scared to tell my aunt or anyone well when my mom died when i was 9 i went to live with my grandmom everything was cool at first then she started to beat me sometimes for no reason i was so scared sometime i would stay under my bed so she wont get at me she used to call me all kinds of names and i relly hurt but i dnt let her kno i used to wonder why she doing this to her own grandchild one day she hit me with an hammer and i moved out and now i live with my granda hey got to go i will give you the rest later
“.elegy well i have read sasha’s post on abusive lesbians and i wont ever hurt my femme . here is the problem i have with women they notice im weak meaning i give them anything they want money,clothes,jellery etc i dnt even argue if she want to make a big fuss and want to quarrel i just give her some space if she dnt quiet down i just find a positive way to get out that pent up energy like crazy sex but i have never been in a suitation like that so i just assume thats what i will do but all i kno i wont ever hurt a woman”
Here is my advice to you, coming from someone who has been on the receiving end (what can I say? people like to buy me stuff):
You have to put yourself on a bit of a lockdown. It’s not to say you can’t spoil people, but you have to decided *who* is WORTH it. If you’ve known this girl for a month and you’re not dating, I would say it would be in your best interest to set an undisclosed (to her) budget. It may mean no more than 20 bucks a month on this one chick, give or take in accordance to your income and bills. If they notice you are weak (read: giving- being given isn’t weakness, but it is easy to get taken advantage of if you have no balance). But if they know there is a point at which you put your foot down, they will be less apt to push it. Sure, you will have a few who will challenge you (whining, pouting, pretending they forgot/didn’t hear you), but eventually they all will get the message. The sooner you introduce it, the easier it is to follow. So yeah, decide the qualities you require for you to go out of your way (there’s being nice, and then there’s just being *extra* nice) and don’t spoil someone who doesn’t fit the criteria. And stick to your standards and gut! You know yourself well enough that you can’t hit it and quit it, so make that clear to someone from the get go if they have a wo/man or have themselves made it clear they’re not looking for anything serious.
And I’m glad for your decision, just remember that no matter what you have consciously made this decision.
And I know you are only part way into explain your story, but I want to let you know that my heart goes out to you. <3 Re: the dark, maybe it just destresses you and makes you feel safer? I prefer the dark, and tight spaces, and I sleep easily when over-stressed.
Young Butch There is a place in hell for that bastard you described above. Sorry you were forced to endure that. It is very hard work but it is very important for your own sense of well being to not bring your the memories of such bastards from your past into the memories of your present or you will effect building healthy memories for your future. He can NOT hurt you anymore- only his memory can IF you let it. They say the best revenge is a good life. Peace and good luck to you.
i try not to remember what happened so i live with my grandad now and he has a stroke so i have to take care of him i came out to him and he accepts me completly and supports me in every way i have not came out to my aunt and grandmom cause i kno they will not accet me when i have enough courage i will one day thanks for the support guys thanks alot
i want to know how to deal with when ppl stare at me