10 Signs You’re Dating the Wrong Person
I have a few single girlfriends that come to me for dating advice along with the random emails from readers telling me about their loveless love lives and asking me what they’re doing wrong, or what they’re missing. And I’ve noticed a few glaring commonalities among the single and confused. So I thought I would make a little checklist. Print it out and put it in your wallet. If at any time the person you are dating/seeing/hooking up with does any of these, refer to your little print out and follow the instructions.
The following is not in order of importance. They are ALL important.
1. If she insults you, even jokingly. Putting you down, is never cool. She’s obviously insecure and her go to way to feel better about herself is to try to break you down. Run. Now.
2. If she is disrespectful about women’s bodies in the way she refers to them. Even if she’s not talking about you, she will be as soon as you’re not in front of her. It’s not cool for lesbians to take on a male chauvinist attitude of any kind. This is something I’ve seen in a lot of lesbians and I recognize it as them trying to fit into what they think is a masculine role. But it’s not the right way to accomplish that. It just makes them look like jerks. Call her on it and then move on. Do the next girl a favor and tell them it’s not a good look but don’t waste your time trying to reform them. Nine out ten times, it won’t work and it won’t be worth the trouble.
3. Now this is going to get me into trouble. But if she identifies as butch or a top but then expects you or makes you drive out to see her every time, or pay half every time …. she may not be as butch as she thinks. Now I know, money is an issue and if the femme is pimpin’ it and the butch is bussin’ it then it’s understandable that the one with more means pays more often. But if you’re about even and she puts the burden on you, you may want to rethink it if you’re looking for a more traditional butch/femme relationship. I don’t know a single butch that’s comfortable letting her girl pay most of the time. If ever. If they don’t have the money, they do something else. It’s not about money, it’s about roles.
3.b. Regardless of labels, being cheap is never sexy. If you’re both femme, both butch or just gay there should always be a give and take on both ends. It’s not always monetary but you know when you’re getting screwed. Listen to that gut instinct.
If she’s cheap you may want to look deeper into this. Is she only cheap with you? While she splurges on herself or her friends? If that’s the case, you may not be worth very much in her eyes and you should move on. Being cheap has nothing to do with money. Being generous with your time, your affection and finding creative, free date nights doesn’t cost a dime. Being cheap can be synonymous with being selfish. You’re worth more then that, go find someone who thinks so too.
4. If she talks about her ex’s a lot, she may not be as over them as she would want you to believe. Even if she can’t stop telling you how much she hates her ex and how much she fucked her over …. she’s still talking about her means she’s still on her mind.
5. She won’t meet any of your friends. Or won’t let you meet hers. Major red flag. What’s she hiding? Worse case scenario; she’s hiding you.
6. She runs hot and cold. If she’s all over you one date and then won’t even hold your hand the next, it means she’s not sure about you. If she’s not sure about you, then you shouldn’t be sure about her. Keep your options open at this point. Because she probably is.
7. She accuses you of things you’re not doing. People will tell you about themselves if you listen. If her accusations are really out of left field, then she may be projecting her guilty conscious on you. Which means she’s accusing you of what she’s done in the past or what she’s doing now. If that’s not the case, and it’s simple trust issues? Trust issues are never simple. Ask yourself if you’re willing to pay for the last girl’s mistakes?
8. If at any time you’re wondering if she’s using you, she is. You should never feel like the person you’re with has suspicious motives for being with you.
9. You feel lonely in her presence. Have you ever dated someone that made you feel more lonely when you were with them then when you were actually alone? It could mean they’re withholding affection for any number of reasons or it could just mean, the chemistry isn’t there. If this happens often with the girl you’re dating you should probably keep looking.
10. She hits you, pushes you, slaps you, kicks you, calls you names – it’s time to end it immediately. No explanations required. No “let’s go to therapy.” No “baby I’ll change.” Or even worse, “You made me do that.” The second it turns physically violent is the second you move on.
Bonus Tip: If you keep asking yourself if this girl has too much baggage for you, she does. Plain and simple. Life is too short to waste it on the wrong people. If you don’t believe me, then think of it this way; While you’re trying to change Ms. Wrong into Ms. Maybe it’ll work out for a few months, your real Ms. Right may be getting swept up by someone who isn’t wasting her time.
You May Also Like
Another one: she makes prejudicial/stereotypical comments about groups of people, especially the one you’re part of.
Good one!!!! Bigots are never sexy.
When I was in school and had to share rent I would have potential room-mates fill out a questionnaire with the kind of little things that usually break apart live-in situations; they do the same sort of compatibility questions in on-line dating.
How awkward would it be to bring that list to a first date?
Awkward ….. Or brilliant!
Simple – keep that questionnaire in your head and weave those questions into your conversation. Curious – what were some of the questions on the list?
Another hint, if after reading this you think I wrote it specifically about you and your situation then you are DEFINITELY dating the wrong chick.
Ah! Yes!
For number two, also look out for the secondary form: Most people equate this with putting down people for being larger, but if she goes after smaller women (“real wo/men like the meat, not the bones”; “real women have curves” ETC.)- take note. She’s not body-positive, she’s just spitting out her insecurities from the other side of the coin.
Seven: Yes. Amen.
@WWG- some were simple logistics like if they showered in the morning or night (in a house w/ one bathroom that can be important info for getting to class on time), what meals they cook at home, things like that. Those had more or less “right” answers to determine a good fit. Then some were more personality/qualitative oriented -basically I wanted someone who was liberal and fun but who would be home most nights so I wouldn’t be alone…. what kind of music they like… things like that.
I wasn’t too long, but it got to several things that you don’t normally ask when showing a room to someone. Most applicants really liked it (or said they did…heh) because it showed that I was really looking for a good fit.
Wow!! Chill ladies! Chill!
Omg! I LOVE the caption under the picture! Priceless!!
Your list is perfection. In the past I have broken up with people for a few of the reasons on your list. You are exactly right, life is to short to spend it with someone wrong for you. And if they make you feel like leftovers… Cut your losses and move on!
I’m surprised, with all the dating we’ve all done, that there’s not more comments on this topic.
I can add one: if she mentions having no friends, or doesn’t seem to have any or tries to isolate you from your friends, then move on. She’s red flag central.
@WWG – What’s wrong with not having any friends? I don’t think that’s a red flag.
To add to the list: Shadowing. Shadowing is when someone only pretends to like everything you like, or is interested in the same things you are, but has no “proof” of doing said things, in other words, all talk no action. Another one is when someone doesn’t want to get to know you, doesn’t ask questions, keeps the conversation very surface level… that usually means they are only there to bed you, so if you aren’t looking for fwb, then run.
@virgo – having no friends is a red flag, definitely. Check out this list – http://dontmarry.wordpress.com/2007/05/13/dating-red-flags/
It can also be the sign of personality disorders or severe jealousy and insecurity issues.
Ladies – 6 & 9 for me & my girl. Also she says she doesn’t have friends, which is kinda true – she has ‘friends’ but only within her work, who she doesn’t socialise with unless I’m going to be with her. Though she gets on well with my mates, & doesn’t have a problem meeting them. We’ve also done the family thing too, which is all good. BUT (and it’s kinda a big one) she does have bipolar which I know can (and does) contribute to her behaviour etc. Any advice?
@WWG – I still disagree with that. There is a HUGE assumption being made here and a parallel being drawn in the fashion of “correlation equals causation,” when in fact correlation does not equal causation. The idea of being coupled in some fashion, whether it’s romantic or platonic as the beacon of “normalcy” is an interesting one. You do not have to have friends in order to have a complete and fulfilling life, quite the contrary, there are numerous personality types out there that don’t follow such patterns, but that is not to say that they have personality disorders, jealousy or insecurity issues. Nor does having a friend or significant other complete your life either, or make you less prone to jealousy issues, etc. It goes both ways, whether you have friends or not, YOU are the person who completes yourself, other people compliment you, imo.
Personally, I don’t have any close friends, nor do I have major jealousy issues, nor a personality disorder. I function fine, I work with the public, etc. I’m an introvert (as well as shy) though and for many introverts it’s harder for them to acquire close friends, but it isn’t impossible and some introverts like a lot of space, they like their own company, have their own hobbies, etc. I think the concept of introversion and introverted people gets a bad rap with loads of stereotypes associated to them, one of them being “zomg you have no friends, you’re such a loser!!!” I think a person shouldn’t be judged on whether or not they have friends, but rather how they treat you overall, which is most important. For introverts, the “social scene” is not as big of a deal as it is with extroverts, in fact, introverts loose energy when they are around people, while extroverts gain energy when they are around people (you can actually look that up). I think perspectives such as “not having any friends = red flag” is perpetuated by extroverts, which comes from their lack of understanding of how introverts operate and I believe it’s rather ignorant. The world is populated by extroverts, so anything that sways slightly from the “norm,” the norm being extroversion, gets dumped into the “personality disorder, weird, strange, red flag, omg run, etc” bucket. Thankfully, there are books out there on introversion that can help people understand what introversion is all about, what kind of things matter to them and perhaps dispel any stereotypes. Hopefully, what I have said instills a different and enlightening perspective on the matter.
@WWG – I forgot to add one more thing, that blog you linked is rather insulting and a red flag to me. I knew this blog looked familiar. I ran into it years ago and laughed my ass off at the stupidity of it. There is so much sexist, patriarchal white privileged bullshit on there, it’s pathetic. The first page of the blog: http://dontmarry.wordpress.com/ I mean, really? I’m surprised you linked that, considering the tone that is directed towards women in general.
Virgo: I get what you’re saying, as an introvert who extroverts. Basically, it IS a sign that there is something one should look into- it is there for a person to determine WHY their love interest has no friends, or no one they consider to be a friend (or close friend).
It’s the *why* that we’re encouraged to look at; it can be an indication of how someone interacts with others on a personal level, and it’s up to the person dating to figure out which reason it is. Is it because they’re a manipulator who has burned all their bridges? Or is it because this person just isn’t interested in socializing with the people in their environment? (I’ve known both).
And I agree on the second part: if she’s trying to isolate you from your friends, turn tail and save yourself. That’s a classic method abusers use to gain further control over their victim.
“irihanra”
I can’t really say anything, except to consider the advice Sasha’s given in respect to 6 and 9. Feeling lonely and used is no way to live.
Virgo: OMG. That website is awful.
@Elegy – Yeah, I definitely agree on the second part of what WWG is saying as far as isolation and friends because that is definitely a controlling issue. I was just trying to point out that just because someone doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t mean they automatically want to control you or think of you as their sole social life, etc. It was more so the correlation and assumption of it all, that irked me.
…and yeah that website is a real “winner,” check the archives here: http://dontmarry.wordpress.com/archives/. If it’s one thing I cannot stand, it’s the “woe is me” mentality, which is actually on Sasha’s list. That whole website is full of “Woe is me, I’m a nice guy, but all women are bitches” drivel. People like that, blame everything around them, when the problem is themselves and not other people. I definitely recommend that site for a good laugh, but then your brain will probably fall out of your head after face palming yourself so hard, that you might not be able to do the chores around the house, which makes you a horrible woman!! 😉
@irihanra – I’ve felt like you have before and trust me it’s not fun. I think you should follow your instincts, they are usually right. I’ve been in a similar situation with a friend and with a potential romantic interest and my gut instincts kept nagging at me, while my brain was trying to ignore it. If you are not getting your needs met, then you either need to talk to the person about it and communicate, or leave the relationship. Don’t settle for less, that is key, otherwise you’ll have built up resentment, which isn’t healthy and manifests in various negative ways.
I am an introvert. No two ways about it. I can socialize, on the surface, with many, many people but I wouldn’t call any of them my friends. I define friendship differently than extroverts. To me, a friend is more than someone to go do things with, more than someone to bounce my brilliance off so I look good in front of other people who are doing the same thing with their “friends”. What is that saying? If you have one good friend in your life, you are very fortunate, indeed? I believe that. I have a list I can thumb through of people who I might call for company to the movies, or a party, or the club, or shopping but that’s what they are to me, company. I don’t expect any of them to be with me through the long haul of life, even though some of them very well may. If that happens, then they will probably be redefined as a friend. A friend is someone who goes deeper than company. A friend is there no matter who long it’s been since you spoke. She is glad to hear from you and wants to catch up with the things that matter to your heart. And she knows what those things are. I will walk through fire for a friend. Jump in front of trains to defend them. I have a couple good friends I’ve had most of my life and I expect will always have if fate is kind. Most people would look at my lack of friends judge me, or red flag me for it. Instead of trying to understand me for who I am, I would be written off because I’m not like them and don’t have a bevy of superficial clingers who are terrified of spending two seconds by themselves. I try to be a good person, I have my battle scars just like everyone else, but I don’t consider my introspection to be a personality disorder. I simply consider it to be different. I have my passions, I am loyal, but it just takes someone who is willing to go deeper than a cosmopolitan at a club to understand my motivations and dreams. I never did like mean girls who band together and put people down for not being like them. There’s a lot of those in the world, unfortunately.
I’m quite surprised by the intense response I got to what I said. Red flags are there for a reason – they are signals and signs of issues to watch out for when evaluating a potential partner. Sometimes those red flags turn out to be nothing, but sometimes they turn out to be something to indicate issues that will either mean incompatibility at the least or danger at the worst. And having no friends is absolutely a sign of a certain personality type to watch out for – the controlling, jealous, abusive type. Does that mean everyone fits that? Absolutely not. And, note, I didn’t say has only a few friends, or has one or two close friends, I said has *no* friends.
I have friends who don’t like animals/pets. Does that mean those friends are horrible people lacking empathy? Well, the one I’m referencing has a severe allergy to pets, so no, he doesn’t like pets. But he’s not abusive towards pets, and that’s the difference.
So, if you know you’re not a jealous, controlling or abusive person, then why are you so bothered by my comments? You really shouldn’t be.
As for that site, it is one of the first ones that popped up when I googled “red flags no friends”. I have not read it before nor since, but if you look at what it says in regards to red flags, it’s not bad.
Now, back to experiences everyone has had that indicated you’re dating the wrong person.
WWG, I agree that someone who tries to isolate you so you become their only friend in their friendless world – definitely a red flag. Isolating is a classic ploy of an abuser and you should definitely cut bait if anyone tries to manipulate the order of your life and cut you off from an established support system.
@WWG – Well as the saying goes, I guess we agree to disagree. As for the site, it makes me wonder why anyone would quote a source to try and back up their claim, when it actually goes against your very existence and identity. It’s like quoting a source from Stormfront (but your a person of color) then disregarding their overall philosophy, in order to use something out of context to prove that it has some type of merit. It is just plain bizarre, but c’est la vie I guess.
@Rexie – Very well said, I have similar viewpoints. Friendships and relationships are so much more to me and resonate on a higher level. My standards are different from the “norm” when it comes to the people I interact with.
wwg and rexie – i’m in total agreement with you girls 🙂
I have become a major introvert because of life experiences. I trust only one person I work with, its a married man who is literally my only trustworthy coworker. I am in a “I don’t trust anyone” phase rt now. I think being introverted is MUCH better and MUCH safer to be. OMG I REALLY REALLY wish I’d been in introvert all my life because now I am an introvert ONLY because of the VERY MAJOR pain being an extrovert has
caused me repeatedly.
Correction- it is NOT a phase. (I used wrong word) I know I’ll always be an introvert because of what I’ve been through.
Basically if the person is not trustworthy and unselfishly kind towards you RUN the other direction. And IF SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE TRUST THEM!!!! People do not change.
@Jaz – Introversion and trust issues are not mutually exclusive. You don’t “become an introvert,” as introversion and extroversion are ingrained within your personality. It’s not something you “develop,” or all of sudden come to “have,” it just “is,” or you just “are” an introvert, like you just “are” an extrovert.
Virgo- Point taken. However I absolutely consider and always will consider myself a “circumstanial introvert”. Shy to interact, VERY cautious to interact based (yes agreed not on biologically being an introvert) on the importance of being introverted year after year experience after experience being “ingrained within my personality”. That is where I am coming from. That is who I am.
Virgo- I am EXTREMELY quiet and shy at work. Because I never was and I got royally fucked over. I never open up in any way at work or in general anymore. Because I use to and got royally burned. I TOTALLY keep to myself now. I am very pleasant and very kind to everyone but they do not need to know anything about me. I use to trust everyone and their mother and yeah that does not work. I think being an extrovert is very very very dangerous to one’s soul. At least to mine it was. I am learning to get use to my chosen status of safty within my introverted shell.
I know this is off-topic, (well not TOTALLY off), but I haven’t been able to sleep since seeing this picture. I have been on a mad hunt shopping for every piece of that outfit. I simply MUST have the exact ensemble. So far, I’ve found the shoes (of course), bag(gage), stockings, gloves, earrings, lipstick and Ray-Ban cateye shades (not shown). All I need is the suit and hat. lol Not as easy to find as one might think, but I won’t be able to rest until I have them. I MUST recreate this scene as I float through airports. MUST.
Ha, I feel the same way; I’ve had my eye on this styling for a while now. Job well done to the people who outfitted Catwoman/Selina.
*hugs* Elegy! Thank you! I didn’t even realize that’s what this picture was. But of course! That tidbit of info definitely helps with the search for pieces. Perhaps you know who the suit designer is, too? Hmmmm?
Hi, I know this has little to do with dating but I was just introduced to an artist I think you’ll love. Mary Lambert describes herself as “hella gay”. She’s got an amazing story to tell. She contributes vocals and writing skills to the Macklemore & Ryan Lewis pro same sex marriage song “Same Love”. It’s the first hip hop song to address this topic and it’s gorgeous! Mary talks about how it all came to be and sings an acoustic version of the song here: http://www.jetcitystream.com/2012/10/10/get-to-know-mary-lambert/ She also does an amazing spoken word piece called “I Know Girls” and another original called “I’d Be Your Wife”. I hope you like.
No, I don’t know! I’m sure you can Google it, maybe look up the costume designer. With this series, there tends to be a lot of customization. You’d probably be better off just looking for sophisticated suits similar in style.
I think that finding your right fit is simple. Find yourself first. Don’t jump from one disaster of a relationship to another. Take some time out. Evaluate yourself. Patch up cracks and polish some imperfections. Discover yourself and realize what you can and cannot tolerate. Take classes. Take a vacation — alone. Then, put on your best new shirt and get out there. Smile. Within just a few months, someone amazing will find you and enjoy being with you. Just, enjoy being yourself first.
p.s. Don’t do the overlap thing. A decent girl will NOT want to be with someone who is already joined to someone else. That means CLEAN BREAK.
Awesome advice Lane!
Rexie – Yes, great ensemble. Glove would also look awesome as leather fingerless or 3/4-sleeve glove w/short-sleeve jacket. Bebe would probably be fostering this look right now, as pencil skirts are in and they’ve always done fitted jackets. But you could do any riff on this – a dark pencil skirt with any kind of fitted, tucked in v-neck button-down would also be great. With a choker. So many possibilities…
Lane – Great advice. Sounds like you’ve been through it. Definitely agree on the no overlap thing.
*grins at Kenda* Thanks, friend! = D!
Rexie – I like so much to be by my self and do the things that make me happy. I often travel by myself becaue that is something I enjoy. Making my own choices for the day…going where I want to go etc. This has nothing to do with me being selfish or anything like that. I’m just a loner and that’s okay with me. When I tell my family I am going on vacation they often ask who’s going with you? And, I say noboby…just me!
So, I do understand you and your feelings about who you are and what is important and being looked at as you!! 🙂
Wow! That list just emotionally drained the hell out of me. It’s sad that the checklist is extremely necessary for a lot of girls. It should be just as simple as this:
If they are assaulting you verbally, physically, or mentally then don’t get or stay involved.
Bu we live in a world filled with should do’s and shouldn’t do’s. Every time we ingest advice instead of gargle it, we end up squashing a little bit of our instinctive nature, and we begin looking at people through the eyes of others.
Sometimes ourselves just isn’t compatible with the person we think we want. Sometimes the person that accepts us doesn’t live up to the standards so we overlook them and try to adapt. Changing our quirks so someone will be with us will work for only so long before it begins to spiral into a situation we might not know how to get out of.
I’m a big advocate of allowing your quirks to shine the light on your next date. If sometimes you are compelled to jump up and scream in the middle of a restaurant for no apparent reason, then do it. It’ll eventually amuse someone.
Personally I shake my head, call you crazy, and seriously think about walking you to an institution, but I wouldn’t change you. (Honestly, I’ll probably just die laughing.)
Yes, I know we live in a society that dictates the way we breathe but that doesn’t mean we aren’t able to hold our breathes. We have one life, merely seconds to push fear aside and let life, the relationships, and our happiness manifest. Why not just let yourself be and see what comes of it?
Back to the topic at hand:
Another sign – when you break up and EVERYONE says “you deserve better” or “you didn’t deserve the way she treated you at all” or worse, congratulates you for your breakup.
You have some sort of emergency – small, not something you can’t really handle yourself – and she doesn’t respond, at least express concern or try to help you solve it.
When she doesn’t make you feel beautiful or handsome – with her looks, her words, or her actions.
When she makes comments about other girls in front of you – BIG RED FLAG.
This is going to be a sore spot for some people, but if she’s got a background of severe childhood abuse or a parent with addiction – and she’s hasn’t fully dealt with it. (Everyone’s got childhood baggage no doubt, but some have dealt with it to the best of their abilities and others have not).