When you realize you’re a lesbian ….
I’m in a constant state of awe at my total lack of self-awareness as far as figuring out I was a lesbian. I mean really, how could I not have figured out I was gay before the age of 24!?
I mean I could understand if I was bi. But I’m not. I’m just gay, I’m sooooooo gay it’s hard to fathom that it took me SO long to figure it out.
My girlfriend is one of the lucky ones, a lifer. She’s known her entire life since she was a little tomboy trying to impress all her older sister’s friends that she was a lesbian. Before she even knew the word for it, she knew what she was. God how I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self, “Hey don’t waste your time on him. It’s his sister you really want.”
I can’t help but try to imagine how different my life would have been if I had known back in high school when I started dating. How smooth I’d be with women by now if instead of honing my skills on the more brutish of the species I had spent that time sweet talking the ladies. I also wonder how many women I would have slept with by now. No doubt I would have been a huge slut and slept with every girl on my cheer squad, every girl on the basketball team and even a few on the softball team. Then by the time I got to college I’m sure I would have been nothing less then a total mac.
I even wonder how knowing so early would have affected my style. Would I have ended up more butch? More tomboi/sporty? Would I have pushed for those karate lessons I wanted so dearly in lieu of all those ballet classes I took for twenty years? Maybe if I had known I was a lesbian in my formative years I might not have ended up such a femme?
Hmmmm ….. I really wonder what affect it has on one’s identity within the lesbian community at what age you come out, at least to yourself. Do lesbians that know from an early age tend to be more butch? Are femmes girls that didn’t have a clue till after they had molded themselves into societies idea of a lady?
What do you think? Does knowing you’re gay early in life affect what type of lesbian you’re going to end up being? Or is a butch a butch and a femme a femme no matter when the proverbial light bulb goes off that says “Oh, I like girls!”
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I didn’t date my first girl until I was 20, and even then it was because “she” hit on “me.” I thank God for that chick…
So, I wasn’t someone who “always knew,” but someone who definitely looks back and says “why didn’t you know sooner?”
Women are just gorgeous…I’m glad to be one, and equally happy to sleep with one.
I don’t know if discovering your sexuality makes you more “butch” or not…but for me, I’m an athletic femme chick….it’s who I’ve always been, and I’m willing to bet it might be the same way for others out there who might identify differently than me….
Yea, Jul you’re SO right. When I look back on it there were a million signs! But I didn’t know what those signs meant! LOL
I always knew I liked girls, but I liked boys too! But I didn’t know any better, I thought everyone felt that way. I eventually realized that I’m bisexual, which turns out to be the ultimate CURSE! How am I supposed to have a relationship with just one sex when I want both???? Thats another story for another day. But yes, I knew from a very early age. I never acted on it until high school.
Well….Myself being a baby butch knew all along. I was in 5th grade age 10 when I had the biggest crush on my reading teacher.Then after that I just couldn’t wait to have a girlfriend…..then it was age 14 that I made a move on which turned out to be my first love and it lasted 7 years. I’ve never been with a guy nor do I intend on. I want to say that your whole….If you know at an earlier age that your more of a butch…and the girly girls figure it out later on,but….I’ve seen that all reversed too. I’m going to stick more to the being scared to come out and girls have “boyfriends” to cover it up….so maybe thats what takes the girly girls longer to figure it out. Dunno 😉
I can relate to this post SO much! I was 20 when I came out and had just gotten out of a 2 YEAR relationship with a man. What was I thinking?
All the signs were there. Hell my parents were even worried about it when I was in high school. Why didn’t I know? Why did I spend so much time with stupid boys? Hell why did I sleep with said stupid boys? I was so not interested.
Sorry about the tangent. I just wanted to say that I feel your frustration and can totally relate!!!
Idk if I’d be more butch or not. That’s something new to think about.
I’ve known I was gay since I was around 7. I was always running around with my guy cousins and doing all the stuff they did. I wouldn’t consider myself butch exactly, but more the androgynous-to-butch side. Definitely not femme
I didn’t know until I was 27. Yes, 27. Totally a late bloomer. But I was always super feminine as a child (my mom had to add lace to most of my clothes at my insistance) and still am now. So I don’t think discovering my sexuality late in life had anything to do with my femmy-ness.
Cliché as it is, everyone’s different. I’m no gold star lesbian. I was obsessed with boybands, totally boycrazy, etc. when I was young. Granted, a lot of that was going with the crowd, but it was how I was. When I told mom I was bisexual, she was sceptical, but said “well, I guess I understand it. You could never be a lesbian though, with how much you mooned over those Backstreet Boys.” And her statement was a big part of why I believed I never could be, even though I was awkward around men and didn’t like being with them much and the sex sucked. It wasn’t until I was 21 that I realised lesbians don’t have to be completely incapable of a relationship with a man, and that yes, I am a lesbian. I don’t know if it’s changed how I am, though I suppose I go a little androgynous in backlash to my earlier girly style that seems straight to me. I could never be a confident, super-gay lipstick lesbian. I am starting to want to dress a bit more feminine now though (short of skirts and heels) and I’m not quite sure how to transition back to that.
Yea i just recently came out (22) and I wonder why I didn’t figure it out earlier. I’m a senior in college and I feel like I missed the crucial college years of exploring my sexuality.
Things are great now though..and I am pretty femme but I’m not sure if it has anything to do w/me taking so long to figure it all out….I think a study should be done.
I knew from about when I was 14 that I liked girls and I’m totally femme and my wife figured it out when she was 21!! I look back at pictures of her growing up and see what a HUGE tom-boy she was and all the sports she played, refused to wear dresses, copied her brother and not her sister and I’m like “HOW could you not KNOW!?”
so we’re the opposite of your theory I guess 🙂
I started realizing I was a lesbian when I was about 14. I had this hunch before that I wasn’t like the other girls, but didn’t really know what that difference was. Until one day I saw The L Word and then it hit me. I liked girls. I don’t really identify myself as butch or femme, here in Belgium a lot of people don’t even know what that means. I think I’m somewhere in between but I did get more feminine since I figured it out. I guess it doesn’t really matter, when you’re going through puberty you try to develop who you are and I think your sexuality is always part of that, whether you realize it or not.
What a great post, I can totally see what you mean!
(I hope my English will be bearable in that message…)
I think I figured it out when I was a teenager, but kept on thinking that I had to date boys because that’s what people were doing (yeah, I know, stupid…), and because I was a funky plus size girl who shouldn’t have another layer of “eccentricity” in her life (so I thought…), it was too complicated already, dealing with people looking at me, judging me… I’m also very feminine and thought it wasn’t totally compatible (ignorance, ignorance…)…
I tried with men, geez, I did try, but whenever I was seeing a man naked, it totally freaked me out (DO NOT WANT! LOL), and after three failed attempts, and a lot of embarassing moments, I realised it was about time I was honest with myself, and admit I was gay. Late bloomer, I was 22. What a waste of time!!
I still find some men attractive but more as a person, it’s almost an artistic point of view (as in “beautiful people attract the eyes, and that’s it”) and I don’t think I will ever be able to have a relationship or sleep with one, it’s just not my thing.
But admitting it was such a relief, I came out to my Mom instantly, and to a few friends as well. I’ve been spending more and more time with the lesbian community here in Paris, and even if I find it difficult to meet someone, I feel free and true to myself, that’s a major change. I had a few nasty comments from some friends who couldn’t accept it, and the funniest comment I had was that I was a “frightened heterosexual virgin who wanted to avoid sleeping with men by using the lesbian excuse”. To this day, I still think it’s hilarious 😀
Again to answer your question, I tried to fit in the lady/woman archetype first, but even with that, when I came out, I knew it was more than a society thing, I’m a girly and very feminine person, I love fashion, I love taking times to look great. Problem is, when I go to a gay bar, most of the people thinks I’m some kind of bi-curious, and because I’m kind of shy in the relationship department as well, it’s a struggle! It’s like I should wander around with a tee shirt saying “hey, I’m a lesbian, no kidding!!”. LOL!
(Oh my, I babbled…)
I love this entry! I completely get where you are coming from. I just figured out I’m *super* gay about 6 or 7 months ago, and I’m a few months shy of my 26th birthday. I always believed in bisexuality and allowed that belief to be the obstacle between me and figuring out I am a lesbian. Cuz there is no way I am bi. I am completely, totally a big ole lesbian.
I’ve grappled with the situation, of course. I’m still not out entirely but can’t wait until I am. As many say, looking back- all the signs were there. And I’m frustrated I didn’t come to this conclusion earlier, but I’m thankful I arrived at it at all.
Yes, I’m gay. Yes, it’s a huge part of my identity and who i am. But I’m still me. I’m not femme or butch or tomboi or anything. I still wear skinny jeans and chucks and tshirts, but like to wear a cute skirt once in awhile. I think your theory has some merit to it for sure.. but when you came out doesn’t necessarily dictate if you are femme or butch. You are still going to be *you*…. if anything, who I am becoming, what I wear and feel comfortable wearing -now- is more authentic and true to myself than anything in the past b/c I am now aware of myself fully, completely… super queer and all.
Hey Sasha, I didn’t come out until I was 32, so yeah I was definitely a late bloomer. I still wonder why it took me so long… I used to stand in Walmart with my son when he was a baby and just cry and cry when they played Indigo Girls ‘Closer to Fine’.
Anyway, I asked my partner b/c she has been out so much longer than me, and she said she thinks it doesn’t effect what kind of lesbian you are, but it depends on what kind of person you are when you come out. I would have to agree, I have always been more feminine and enjoyed my curves while C has always been more the jeans and cowboy boots type of girl. I think she’s hot!
I knew at 14 and I was (and am) feminine. And I could never pull off a tattoo either. (And that’s just fine with me.) And I am only attracted to feminine women.
And from the other side: There are a lot of butch women who are and always have been 100% straight.
I came out last year (I’m 32) after years of knowing I was attracted to girls and assuming I might have been bi but marrying a man and assuming my bi-sexuality should be a secret. I’m not bi – I’m definitely gay.
I’m also femme, now, but I was a tomboy growing up and loved being mistaken for a boy when I was a kid. I had a boyfriend and realised the boys liked me in my mid-teens. I used to model my wardrobe on one guy who I thought dressed really well! I then had a boyfriend tell me after I cut my hair (when I was 18) that I looked gay, so I started wearing dresses and makeup and became obsessively girly and growing my hair. What I SHOULD have done was dumped him and dated a girl instead. My older sister is a very girly hairdresser and taught me how to become very girly and I did it well – I still remember when my wardrobe turned around full circle.
I don’t think that I am femme because I came out late in life, but I DO believe I could have come out in life BECAUSE I’m femme. I always thought you’d know it if you were gay and though I questioned it a lot growing up, I figured there was such a thing as gaydar and lesbians would identify that I was a girl-loving girl simply by looking at me. When they didn’t, I decided I wasn’t gay and had horrible relationships with men. Finally I decided ‘enough’s enough’ – my attraction for women was growing, I kept hurting men by not wanting relationships and I realised that despite my femininity, I was actually gay.
Hi!
I’m femme (along with a lurker of your blog and a soon-to-be LA transplant by way of Florida) and didn’t come out until I saw my first butch. Thankfully, that happened around 13 or so. But before that I definitely thought I was destined for the nunnery!
Being femme definitely helped the GLBT public relations in my high school, and people tended to see me as a way to think outside their stereotyped GLBT notions. I enjoyed being the anomaly. Unfortunately, that fascination didn’t come from butches. Sigh!
xosqueak
i am so glad to have found your web site!
i knew i was gay from the time i was in the 4th grade, so about 10 years old. didn’t know what to call it, because nobody i knew talked about those things way back when (1967).
what was nice though is, that even at that age, i found other girls like me… what a relief it was to know i wasn’t the only one with the feelings i was feeling.
i was/am a tomboy to this day… and love living the life!
love the blog… keep putting out good information so that the new generation of tombois and femmes have a place to go and feel welcomed.
~bigbraingirl
I am 23 and still don’t know if I am gay. I like have had crushes on girls and oh do they turn me on. But I have never really been with a woman. So I don’t know if I am bi or gay, can anyone help me.
Anyway, I knew I like girls at the age of 8 cause I loved the womens underwear section of my clothing catalog. And ripped the pages out and kept them hiden in my room. My mom found them and told me it was a phase, would grow out of it, andsaid I was just curious of what my body would look like. She was wrong.
I began questioning myself when I was 25 and started to have feelings for my best friend. I did not confirm my “gayness” until my first encounter when I was 33. I was so nervous but it was like a light bulb moment when all of a sudden I realized this is what love & sex was supposed to be. I came out to my mother when I was 34, and only some of my friends over the last year. Most of those you now know said they knew a long time ago. HELLO – did someone want to clue me in on the secret????
Now, I can cleary recount why all my male relationships failed and why I always valued my “girlfriends” so much. I should have known just how gay I was/am a long time ago.
I am 35 and have no idea how to “be a lesbian”. No clue where to meet lesbians. No clue how to suddenly tell my huge circle of friends I am a lesbian. I would just like to show up to the next party with a girl on my arm but I don’t know where the hell to meet the girl.
I am you typical femme suburban pta mom. Not interested in cutting my hair or changing my look. My gaydar sucks – I am afraid I will hit on the wrong person. I wish there was a button, sign, or something to let people know.
I look forward to reading more of you blog.
I am 20, complete femme, love to wear fashionable cloathes. Heels. And known to the world as “straight” I have good looking boyfriends who are troopers in the bedroom but i feel they myt not be doing it for me and probly neva have done, not like a woman might!
I feel like i want to explore the female body up close n personal and that there really isnt much to explore sexually with a man?! I am very curious.. curious enough to know that ill have alot of fun with a woman when it happends!
Im good at “the stuff” i know how to hit my own spot…. and i only EVER fantasize about women. Thats always been the case so i think all the clues are there! I know that im a lesbian and ive never even slept with a woman.
I think i always have been and known it but have just spent the whole time kidding myself…. The stupid thing is i probley will spend more time kidding myself until i meet a lesbian i like. Because im not out for the first bit of skirt that comes my way! Like all first times like with a boyfriend. This has to be right too.
What i want to do is get speakin to somebody online, get to know them then who knows 1 day meet.. but why arnt i just putting myself out there am i scared or am i just not ready yet? Or am i ready i just dont want to admitt it lol oh dear now ive confused myself 🙁 xxx
So, so nice to read these entries…but I think I take the “late bloomer” award. I’m 47, and just figuring it out….talk about wasted time!
I can relate to the poster who wished for a button or a t-shirt. I have no idea where to go, what to do, or what to say. I feel 13 all over again and just as confused and awkward as I did then – ack! Even worse, I live in conservative upstate NY…and wish I was in that Brooklyn neighborhood instead where it would seem much easier. Not for another 6 years though…when my son goes away to college. I’ll be 53 then (sigh).
love this post! i came out about a year ago…after a horrible marriage of seven years. i’m 27 and this past year is the first year i have actually felt like i’ve lived. i was always a little on the tomboyish side growing up…family always worried that i was a lesbian. i always had girl crushes and actually hit on a girl in highschool, but i did what i was “supposed” to and got married. i never was very femme but never butch either. now eight years later i have finally met the love of my life ( a 32 year old femme beauty who has always known she was a lesbian). i still am neither butch nor femme…just me. only a better, gayer me 😉
wow, this is awesome there are so many others who realised a lot later on too! i’m 27 and realised for certain when i was 26 that i was a lesbian. It seems quite a few other people knew before me too, i dunno how i didn’t see the signs lol… My lack of interest in maintaining relationships with guys may have clued in a few people. It wasn’t until 24-25 that my interest in guys just disintergrated. At 26 when i kissed my first girl and i went insanely weak-kneed and everything felt amazingly right, (something i never felt kissing a guy) i knew then i was totally into girls, and that was that.
I’ve always been attracted to men, but every once in a while, I’d have sexual experiences with women. Some women I was attracted to, but not as much as men. As I get older, I become more attracted to women and less attracted to men. I’m very confused. Some days, I love men and some days I think I’m gay. I’m also in a relationship with a man, who I’m in love with, but all I can think about when we are having sex is women…but then I also fantasize about certain men. With men I tend to be more specific, with women, I seem to love them all. Then every once in a while I’m super attracted to one woman. I’m all over the place and extremely confused.
I’m 29…
Wow,
This is a great post. I’m 30 and just came out. I distinctively remember having my first erotic dream at the age of 14. In my dream i was being dominated by an older woman and i enjoyed it.
When i woke up i was so confused. I went straight to my grandmother and told her. But my gran was no help at all. She said that i’m watching too much TV lol.
I still don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out though, i mean that dream was the first major sign that i’m gay, you’d think i would’ve figured it out then right?
I grew up in a country where many people back then didn’t know what the hell a lesbian was, funny i know.
Anyway, i left my country to study in the UK, and that’s where i had my first experience with a woman at the age of 22. It was amazing and i couldn’t believe i was wasting time having sex with men, however i was seeing a gay at the time who i almost married. I was so confused and unhappy which was the reason for the demise of our relationship.
Three years later i returned home and i was still in denial.
God forbid my family found out, but there were rumours that got so out of hand that i had no choice but to come out. For the first time in my life i feel free!
I’m ultra femme and still single cos there aren’t that many openly gay women in my country, but i’m keeping my fingers crossed 🙂
I’m 23, fairly femme, and still figuring it out. It’s weird… when I was little, I was only attracted to women. But it was a general sexual attraction to all women. I never got a crush on a particular girl, I never wanted or thought about a romantic relationship with another girl. On the other hand, a very attractive man will occasionally make my nerves stand on end. (The other day, I saw a man so handsome I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him directly for fear I’d dissolve into giggles.) Even so, as young as 11, I felt a spark of recognition when I saw an interview with Ellen Degeneres about being gay. I immediately thought, “Oh, that’s me.” But now I’m not so sure about that.
I have no clue when I started gradually becoming more attracted to men, but now I sort of am. It’s strange, though – I’m very romantically attracted to men. I’ve always fantasized about romance with men, and a man giving me flowers still makes me swoon. But sexually, it’s more sporadic: only a few, very specific types of men are sexually attractive to me (whereas I find a much wider variety of women arousing). But I don’t know if I actually want to have sex with them; I just like looking at them. Weirdly enough, I’m also seriously turned on by gay men. The thought of guys doing it with each other turns me on SO MUCH – almost as much as two girls together. Whereas I’m kind of bored by the thought of a guy and a girl together. Strange.
I’ve never been with a woman sexually or romantically. I’m shy, closeted, and no girl has ever hit on me. I’d probably like it, but I don’t know. I’m kind of scared to wade into whatever lesbian scene there is here because I don’t like butch or androgynous girls, and I’ve gotten the distinct impression that among lesbians, if you’re not butch or androgynous, you’re not welcome.
Amen, sister. I didn’t realize I’m a complete lez until I was 23 and had been in a relationship with a guy for 5 years. I wish someone had tapped me on the shoulder in high school and said that, no, it wasn’t so straight to have crushes on numerous teachers, put posters of hot girls on your walls, and tend to like your best friend a little too much.
I came out as “bi” when I was 24, but never had a relationship with another chick until a little over a year ago. Quite frankly, I dated guys for so long because it was “easier,” or so it seemed. I tended towards rather effeminate men, though, so eventually, I figured if I’m going to be with people who are going to act like girls they might as well at least have the tits to match.
What’s sad, though. is that’s really only halfway joking.
I chased a girl for a few years WHILE I was dating and living with men. I just kind of kept a guy around as a crutch because I was frankly afraid. Despite growing up in a family that is literally 50% lesbian, I didn’t have a clue to get started. I finally got a date with that girl after years and it was a total dud.
I finally met the right girl, though, and within just a short time of being with her, I could never imagine going back to guys. I like them as people and friends, but sex with one is about as appealing as slamming my own head in the car door repeatedly.
“I don’t think that I am femme because I came out late in life, but I DO believe I could have come out in life BECAUSE I’m femme.”
YES.
I thought I just wasn’t a sexual person when I was in relationships guys, and then when I was 19, I had my first bang-on crush…for a girl! I felt really dense after my inital shock. I always just thought girls were more fun and that I could identify with them more. I’m still just coming to the realisation that even though I probably could be in a relationship with a man, it would just be hard work and I’d have no real sex life- soooo, not a relationship at all. The fact that I can only emotionally connect with a woman actually was my first indicator…hah! My first crush was pretty femme and maybe it took longer to sink in since I wasn’t attracted to the girls I saw everyday since they were like family (nor my type, give me a cheekboned femme any day!). I’m already an easily confused person as it is! 🙂 I really don’t know… But it does just all make sense now: first basemen on the softball team, post in basketball…yeah! I don’t think friends were surprised to hear either. I would’ve loved to hear of their suspicions too!
Now that I’m growing into my Gayness, my hair’s grown longer and I’m more femme than ever. I don’t actually identify with or see myself as butch so I don’t think I’d be comfortable as a person going down that route. I can’t actually bring myself to get a star tat either since it’s just so indie/punk these days. Now the lambda’s a great idea for a dork like me!
Some great ideas for femmes who constantly feel the need to carry our proof of membership!
(…I love boobs!)
see?!
this post is great. i also LOVED reading everyones responses, as i can relate to bits and pieces of each one.
i dont think the timing of your outness has anything to do with what kind of lesbian you are. the girl i love (a hot sexy butch, as a matter of fact) figured it out around the same time i did (maybe about 6 years ago or so). i really think, like you said, butches will be butches and femmes will be femmes. unless the curiosity kills them and they switch sides. which happens. hope that helps.
also wanted to add, that it may seem common for femmes to like femmes. but i am very much not part of that generalization. i feel that femmes are beautiful and loving, however i crave the dominance of a butch and definitely find it more attractive. though the woman i love does let me be a top every once in a while. :]
Haha, I always knew, from a young age
I guess I was a gay baby? 😛
I was a tomboy in grade school, now femme
I think whether you realize or not, you might have some subconscious preference of the type you fit in to.
Then again, I guess I was flexible – changing from tomboyish to femme because I was still at the growing age..raging hormones and all.
I JUST found this blog and its GREAT! I love it 🙂
I’ve wondered that question myself, whether knowing you are a certain way effects you actually *being* that certain way. With lesbianism or, well, pretty much anything else.
I’m 26 and still confused. My entire life I’ve been sexually attracted to females. I experimented sexually as a child and it was almost all females. The only reason I ever experimented with a boy was because he wanted to and I remember NOT wanting to touch him. I’m an attractive female and have had numerous boys/men throughout my life desire me, so finding a boyfriend was never hard. I never really cared too much about the guys I dated and, although I was/am a little nympho, I didn’t get much sexual satisfaction from it. I was even married for 7 years and have a beautiful child from that marriage.
I am currently in a relationship with a man that I love dearly but I still have strong sexual and emotional feelings for women. My current man is understanding (what man wouldn’t be interested in seeing two girls).
From the time I was in elementary school until now I’ve always been attracted to tomboy-ish or androgynous girls. In high school I had a huge crush on a girl and still fantasize about her now and then. And its not purely a sexual fantasy, I think about holding and kissing her passionately and telling her sweet things to make her feel good.
After all this explanation, in short, I’M CONFUSED! lol I want to be with a girl so bad, the thought seems so right, but I love the man I have with all my heart… Please tell me theres been other girls that have been this confused.
Here is a shocker: I’m in my 30s, married for a while and have a litter of kids.
I really, really like women. Kinda always known that but….
Finally got “it” to happen a while back with someone who’s in her 40s. This was a first for both of us. Now we can’t get enough of each other. She is in a relationship long term with a guy. He tells me he would have never known that about her. He is cool with us, which is great. I am realizing men are so lacking.
So, I am kinda confused, I am thinking I’m bi, cuz yes, I do have interest in men, but I mostly just like to dominate them but when it comes to my girl, it’s a whole different feeling-like what have I been missing all this time????
Anyone out there with a similar situation?
I have a boyfriend. This girl hits on me at the gym… It’s unlike any way i’ve ever been approached. I don’t think I like girls. I like her though. I really hope it’s no just me liking attention. I wouldn’t want to hurt her by my selfishness. She has pretty hair, and the way she looks at me makes me nervous…..
I’m 22. Femme, but athletic.
I like her.
I’m 19 years old now, and I only figured out I was a lesbian less than a year ago. The idea that I might be never even occurred to me at all, despite my many crushes on girls growing up. I’ve also had crushes on men, but my crushes on girls date back to before I even knew what crushes were.
One day, it just hit me all at once, & it was like in movies when the character realizes something & all the flashbacks come to them really quick. I couldn’t believe it. I think I just sat there in shock after realizing it, for like an hour, but by the end of that hour, I was completely convinced.
I don’t think your personality/lesbian-type is affected by what age you come out, because I’ll always be the same person.
Y’know, Sasha, I’m going to have to say that I don’t think age of realisation impacts lesbian-type at all. I was always to most tomboyish thing growing up.
Through high school, I looked gay. (Come on, there’s gotta be someone out there that agrees with me that there are some people that you can just look at and go, ‘so gay.’) Despite that, of course, I insisted upon my straightness. (Haha, so wrong.)
I femmed out a bit (a LOT) post-realisation, without consciously doing so.
So… no, I wouldn’t say that I would have been any different if I’d’ve known earlier.
I think a lot of people’d agree that it’s mostly just a personality thing, really, and personality doesn’t change because you’ve realised something about yourself, especially if it’s something that pretty much had to have always been there.
Anyway, great blog. You write well. Pity I didn’t find this post earlier!
Oh well. 🙂
WOW! I can’t believe I am going to say this but I always had this feeling something was different about me, but didn’t know exactlly what.
In Kindergarten, when I was supposed to be taking a nap I would wait for my teacher who always wore a dress to stand over me and I would stare and smile. Of course when she moved away I acted like I was asleep. I didn’t and still don’t know if that is just a normal little kid thing.
Then when I was eight I had my first ever make out experince, with a girl. She was my neigbor and best friend’s (at the time)sister. There was times when she wouldn’t let/want me to go home without making out with her and I would very willingly do it. Even then I didn’t realize that was not typical.
I was very sheltered and was raised that girls did certain things while boys did other things. After that experince I wasn’t with a girl for a long time.
I was in high school. It was the summer between my junior and senior year (2003). I was dating a guy at the time and we were having a lot of relationship problems. My bestfriend was dating this guy that had a crush on me. All three of us (me, my friend and her boyfriend) were in her room. Her boyfriend ended up wanting to watch us make out. I had no problem with it at all since i knew i liked women at that point.
My friends boyfriend and I ended up getting married and it lasted about one year. I was raised by parents that didn’t make it easy for you to talk to them about things. Needless to say I left my husband for a woman and my parents still don’t accept me or my so called “choice”.
I keep telling my mom who is having the hardest time with believing that I am a lesbian, why would anyone choose to be a lesbian? I am looked at as a freak. People don’t accept me. Most of all, why would I be saying to you of all people that I am if I am not?
I am a femme sporty girl and I do believe that how you grow up can very well determine whether you are femme or butch. Maybe not for everyone, but for those that are scared to stand up and say no i don’t want to do this or yes i am going to do this it can have a lot to do with whether you are femme or not.
I actually think deep down I am still hiding some things. Maybe since no one here really knows me I can say it here.
I have always wondered what it would be like to be a guy. Not forever, but just a little while. I have tried the whole peeing while standing up thing. I can do it, but it would be easier, well ya know.
When I was younger I loved playing softball, building things with my dad and fixing things that broke around the house. Even if we got something new that had to be put together I would always volunteer.
In middle school I wanted to play the drums but my mom said absolutely not! Drums are for a boy. In high school I wanted to be on the powder puff football team. Again my mom said no. That is for guys. I told her no it was a girls team. She didn’t think that was so funny.
People might think I am butch by what I like to do, but I am as “femme looking” as the girl next door. Well unless they are butch of course. LOL.
I’m 22 and confused. i’ve always dated boys, but the relationships never lasted more than a few months. i’ve NEVER found sex with men to be that fulfilling, though I often like the fact that we’re both passionate about sex.
I’ve grew up in a Catholic household, and my family felt that homosexuality was wrong. My family has always tried to make me more girly, and they have always made fun of me and tell me I’m wrong when I wear boyish things or act like a boy. As a result, I wore more feminine things. However, my clothing is often an adrogynous style.
I wish that someone would help me sort my life out. My family’s reactionary attitudes have made me feel bad about who I am, and it’s up to me to rediscover who I am and gain back my self confidence. Wish me luck!
I don’t know what I am anymore. I’ve been seriously crushing on a female friend for the past year, and it’s really been difficult because she’s straight. It’s beginning to be hard to be friends with her now because every time she talks about guys or kissing guys or her past relationships with guys it’s like a knife in my chest. It wasn’t that hard at first but gradually I just let my hopes up that maybe something would happen. It’s not going to.
Either way, I just don’t get it. It’s like my orientation is a compass needle swinging around endlessly with no rhyme or reason. I’ve had major crushes on guys in my life as well as girls.
In all honesty I do not want to be bi or gay. That’s why I’m getting pretty pissed off at those uber-religious folks that say it’s a choice. What a bunch of garbage. I’m christian so it makes it even harder, yet I do not feel persecuted. Just annoyed.
I do not even know any lesbians, and if you can believe it I have over 500 friends on facebook, and if half of them are female that would be 250. Yet I can only name a couple who are lesbians and they are not really close to me in relation or distance.
Anyway, I’ve known this about myself since probably middle school, but it’s all coming to a head now because of this crush on my friend. I want to be close to her as a friend and if I could switch off the feelings I could. But right now it’s either a choice of endure it for now or end the friendship.
I’ve kissed guys but they were meaningless kisses and they felt pretty stupid actually since there was nothing behind it. I’ve never been in a relationship that really felt like anything. The guys I’ve dated I’ve had no interest in. The guys I am interested in don’t give me the time of day. It’s a horrible cycle. The stupid thing is that no girls in my life swing that way that I know of, so I don’t even have a chance to test that out. All over the place I read about people questioning their sexuality falling randomly into these experimental relationships and I’m like…what gives?
Sorry for the rant.
I’m 35. I had sexual dreams about girls from about age 14 but at that age I more often dreamed about men. I had crushes and sexual attraction to mostly men but always like, movie stars, never anyone real.
In my late teens I was in the floor cast of Rocky Horror and realized i was bisexual. I’d had a couple girl-crushes on straight friends. I was a virgin until I met my babydaddy at age 21, he was the first man I’d ever emotionally/mentally connected with. We spent ten years together though unhappy and the sex itself was fine but I was never passionately attracted to him. I’ve been with a handful of other men but not had any real relationships with them. I still haven’t met one I am passionately attracted to.
Last year I finally watched The L Word and I swear a lightbulb must have gone off over my head, about halfway through the second episode I literally said “OH MY GOD. I”M GAY!!!” and had a big crush on Dana (the character). (still do! love the sporty femme)
ANYHOW….this past year has been crazy. I re-outed myself as bisexual (the previous “outing” having been when I was 18 and nothng came of it)
and I’ve had one crappy relationship with a man that only lasted 2 months.
I actually swore he’d be the LAST MAN I gave a chance to…that if it didn’t work out I’d just go with women.
A lot of signs were there and a few of my closest friends, when we talk about it, think I’m just a full on lesbian.
It’s silly; when you’re straight and a virgin, you don’t question whether you’re straight or not. But if you’re gay and a virgin…well it’s like I’ve gotta be with a woman to really KNOW. But, I mean, I think I know. I’ve since found out that not all women fantasize about women, dream about being in love with them, etc. At least not on a regular basis.
How to start? Good lord. I have pretty good gaydar from my old Rocky Horror days…but not *great*. I have some lesbian friends, but they’ve always known they were gay.
I’m pretty femme…but I play rollerderby and am more of the alpha type. I think tall, sporty, brunettes are the sexiest so far 😉
Wish me luck! haha
I’m 27 years old and didn’t realize I was gay until I was 24, after an on-off 5 years relationship with a man (my ex). I’ve always known my sexual attraction to women, to some degree, intensifying as I got older, but it didn’t really “click” until 24, when I realized that I was in love with my best friend. Nothing came of it, I still haven’t slept with any women (I’ve never been much of a slut… I like passion and emotion in my sex, because I relax more), but I’ve kissed a few ladies. Kissing women feels right. I have never felt that “zing” when I kissed men in the last. I hated hetero sex… but alas, denial is a powerful thing.
I am in an area that is mostly gay men, young lesbians, and married lesbians. No women really in the niche for my desires, like 25-43 single women. I figure moving will help, but I at least have many friends despite my love-loneliness.
More on comment topic: I have never been a very girly girl. I tend to like dark hues, jeans/slacks, and tshirt type clothes. Some days I like wear a skirt, but I feel much more comfortable in pants or shorts. Everyone in my school growing up (from 5th grade on) thought I was a lesbian. I was confused and int denial for a long time, due to the teasing/bullying that I endured in my youth. I think most of my “best friends” throughout my adolescence were started from crushes. Still happens today, really. You take a dedicated notice in someone, they tend to respond favorably. I love long hair, but really don’t think I’d have much in common with someone super feminine. I’m too much of a geek…
I just found this blog and this particular post made me feel just a little more comfortable with myself.
I’m 19 and still not sure whether I’m bi or lesbian. I had a girlfriend when I was 16 who was formerly my best friend. I’m pretty certain that that’s as close to love as I’ve found so far. I was completely obsessed with her.
I liked that I could never guess exactly what she was thinking, I felt completely dominated by her even though she was a tiny waif of a thing (with amazing hips… absolutely beautiful…).
however I completely ruined it all. after about 2 months of use officially going out I stressed about whether this would ruin our friendship and, ultimately, I did.
I was incredibly immature at this stage. I’d never done more than kissed a boy and that she wanted to do more than that was both fascinating and scary.
I’ve only been with men since but I still have deep feelings for her. We’re good friends again and every time I think of her I know that If I had the chance I’d make it up to her- I’ve grown up a lot in those 3 years.
I’m not sure if I’m attracted to men or not… enough to go out with them anyway. I’ve lost weight since I went out with my ex and I’m not sure if I like men in ‘that’ way or if I’m able to get close to them purely because I need some sort off assurance that I’m desirable.
I get bored of men incredibly quickly whenever I get into a relationship… everything’s pointing more and more towards me being a lesbian but I’m just not sure. I know that I’m attracted to women, but maybe I need more experience before I’m sure.
This reply is all over the place… hopefully some day I’ll know for sure and won’t have this constant conflict…
i came out as a lesbian when i was 11 (how cute!) and dated my first girlfriend until i was 14 (we broke up when she decided she was actually straight because it was high profile). i met my second girlfriend when i was 15, and we dated until i was 17 and she ran off with a mini-butch. sometimes you can’t win!
I must admit I just realized a few eeks ago that yes I am a lesbian. I am a 36 year old lady who has had three long term relationships with men (6 yrs, 3yrs, and then the last worst one 5 yrs). I guess I always thought women were better, smarter, sexier but I never let myself be me again, the strong willed 17 yr old girl who knew herself really well until recently. I have been getting in better shape, feeling like the real me after a long time and finally told a very out lesbian “I have a full blown crush on her”, I think she likes me too and is giving me time to process. It is funny out of all the things to worry about being my age, my family, etc, the only thing I hope is- “hope she likes me too”.
Well i am 24 years old and i only came out as bisexual a few months ago to close friends but i actually think i might be totally gay but i just can’t say it. I have always liked the ladies from as far back as primary school when i fancied my teacher. I live in a catholic household so homosexuality is’nt really the best of topics to talk about, so i feel that i can’t tell my family who i really am, maybe thats why it scares me so much.
I have never been with a women or even kissed one but i just know in myself that i wanna be with one, i just don’t know how or where to meet someone.
I have only ever been with one man in my whole life. He is now marrying my best friend and we have been having an affair on and off now for about 5 years which is really only about sex but i just don’t get that buzz or feel anything when we have sex or when we kiss, don’t really know why i let it continue, cuz it’s only messing up my head and i have betrayed my best friend by being with him, maybe i need him to fool myself that im not gay, eventhough i know deep down i am. I was never really interested in boys growing up, when everyone had boyfriends i would just pretend i fancied someone who already had a girlfriend.
Im just so cnfused, can someone help me or give me some advice please.
I just came to a life changing realization. I’m gay.
I’m 23 and just married a man that I dated for 6 yrs.
I first started liking girls in kindergarten. I used to run around with little girls kissing behind trees and playing house in my room. When I hit puberty I told my Mom I was gay and she said “No your not.” So off I went in search for a girlfriend, it’s impossible. I never found her. So I started dating guys and from then on just said I was bi but leaned more towards women. All throughout the relationship with my husband I’ve never felt completely satisfied but he does make me happy. Its just the sex that I get bored of so fast and that he doesn’t fill this empty spot in me. Shortly after getting married I started thinking of myself. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me and who I am exactly. I started thinking “Am I really a lesbian, or is it all in my head? Do I have a hormonal disorder?” Then this girl walked by. me at work. I stopped breathing, she was perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman, right there in front of me!! Then we made eye contact. My heart was pounding, I was sweating, I felt like passing out. She then walked up to me and asked to take my picture, I instantly turned red and started to grin and said sure. We didn’t talk for a couple days, but once we started to it went off like fireworks. Nobody in my entire life has made me feel like this. Then I knew it, I’m gay. She just filled the empty spot in me. She made me realize that I’ve always been gay. I couldn’t believe I didn’t just realize it earlier and stick with it. I mean, every night I had dreams of a woman in my bed. Kissing her, holding her all night. All I watch is lesbian porn, and all I can get off to is watching a girl get pleasure. My husband knew this the whole time but just thought the same as me, I’m bi but love women. Once I realized I was gay though, I felt like a person who’s found God. I felt alive for once. Like I could go outside and scream it at the top of my lungs. My husband feels horrible for me, he knows the pain I’m going through. I love him terribly, but we both know that it won’t last forever. That he will never fill that spot inside of me, and that he needs to find somebody who will. I’m also his first relationship. So it’s hard for him, I’m all he knows. I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want him to hate me, nor his family cuz they are my family as well. I’ve felt so lost and confused cuz I know the answer but it’s so hard. People tell me “Jenn, do what makes you happy. Jes makes you so happy, I can see it in your eyes. When you’re with Mike it’s completely different.”
It feels completely different.
I’m 33 years old and didn’t realize i was a lesbian until last year. I have been married (currently going through a divorce) for 8 years and have 2 daughters.
My marriage was full of conflict and I was never into sex.. with my husband or the guy i was with before him. It just felt *blah*, not this earth shattering, incredible experience that my friends would speak of. I never felt like i connected with my husband.. or men in general. I was living this married life and doing what was expected of me.. never feeling fulfilled or truly happy.
I met my girlfriend at work. it was an instant attraction from the very beginning and I let her pursue me. I have always looked at other women, fantasized about them and often wondered what it would be like to be with one. But i never knew that I was a lesbian. Everything about being with my girlfriend felt so natural, so right that I didn’t even question it. Nothing has ever felt so right to me. I felt like all the missing puzzle pieces have come together. Sex is absolutely amazing! Who knew it could be so great?! I have found what i didn’t even know was missing.
Unfortunately, it took this long for me to recognize it. Although my marriage was already in turmoil, this put it over the edge… there was no going back for me. Now I am focusing on rebuilding and redefining my life… mine and my daughters. it won’t be an easy road to walk.. but i feel complete. I feel like I finally know myself. i finally feel fulfilled.
i just turned 19 the other night…and i didn’t come out to anyone till about half-way through being 18. I think, for me personally, i grew up in an environment where being gay or bi was the worst sin you could do. when i was younger, there was no doubt that i had an attraction to girls but i just figured that i thought they were pretty and i wanted to be like them…only i didn’t know i wanted to be with them lol. it was always some forbidden thing to my family. though they had issues with that kinda sexuality, i was always super accepting of other people being gay and i still have a lot of friends that are gay/bi to this day. i always wondered why i felt so at home with them..not just cuz they’re awesome friends, but because they always were open-minded and accepting ..not just of sexuality but of unique/different people in general. so basically, most of my life, i just tried to supress the thoughts of being gay until literally one day i just woke up and it was like a reality smack in the face. i just knew i had to stop lying to myself..it was just completely unhealthy for me and i was soooo tired of dating guys. no offense to guys or anything, but i just never really clicked well with any guy…well maybe except for my very first boyfriend, but after that, every guy that i did date was only because it felt like what i was “supposed” to do. ya know, i just thought, well i’m a “straight” girl and i should be dating guys. and eventually, everything just kept getting worse, i broke a lot of guys hearts unfortunately..i just never had that deep connection. and not to get too graphical here, but even during sex or alone time, girls was the only thing i could think about if i ever wanted to have a happy ending lol. ok that was probably a really bad line, but u know what i mean lol. as far as what age you are when u truly know your sexuality, i really don’t think it matters. even if you’re in ur 30s, 40s, 50s, ect…i think everyone is different and so people are gonna know at different times. also, i think it might be different depending on how you were raised, because, like i said my family was very much an anti-gay crowd (still is today) and that was the main thing that stopped me from figuring out who i really was at a young age. anyways, i think whenever you come to terms with who you are, it is a blessing, because then you can really start living your life and i know i’m 100xs happier now that i know i’m gay…a relationship with a girl is a whole lot more exciting :):)…and it feels more meaningful too. but anyways..sorry this entry was so lengthy..just wanted to get all my thoughts across to people. i hope it helped 🙂 email me if ya want ^^
—Jen
I doubt that the age that you realize your sexuality has much to do with what kind of lesbian you end up as.
I am still young, and still finding my place in the gay community, but I realized towards the end of high school (which wasn’t so long ago), but had pretty real relationships with boys before then. So that seemed pretty late to me, but I have always been a total tomboy.
But then again, even though I had no idea that I was gay, when I look back I realize that there were many girls that I had strong feelings for, but just didn’t understand those feelings.
So maybe I have always known?
I feel caught between my lover and my family. I love my family very much my father had a heart atack on my 25 b day. It just made me realize how short life can be and I want them to be happy with me. I am not a perfict child when I was a kid I gave my parents hell on earth while raising me. I just don’t know if I can handle disapointing them anymore than what I already have.
As for my lover we were best friends for a while before we became an item. Then we separated and then got back together mean while our relationship was suffering. With the, lieing, stealing, and many other stupid things on her part. Well since then it has been a year and a half. She gets in contact with me for the first time. At first I ignored her then I just listened and she listened. There is forgiveness there between the both of us. So I feel stuck I don’t really know what to do??? Make myself happy and be with her….. Or even if that’s the right choice for me… or move on? My parents dislike her very much because of what she did to me IDK. I do love her very much and I would love to give it a shot if several people in my life including my family were supportive. I serousely thought I had gotten over her. But I guess not. IDK what to do? Ugh!
Hi Erin, it has been my humbling experience that no one can tell you to get over someone a second before you’re ready. If your heart is telling you she’s the one, you may owe it yourself to try again. If for no other reason, so that when it’s over the next time, you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot.
However, not knowing the whole story … you’ll have to ask yourself are you willing to be hurt again by her? Because past behavior is a strong indicator of future actions. So go into this with your eyes wide open.
Is your family supportive of you being gay? Or is it just this particular girl they don’t like? If they’re supportive of you being gay, then it would seem that their disapproval may be out of love and concern for your best interest. Maybe you could talk to them about your dilemma and ask them out right for support in your decision?
Best of luck, Erin.
I need some advice from anyone willing to help. I am unsure of my sexual preference. When it comes to a relationship without sex(for example being able to openly talk about anything) I prefer to be with a man. When it comes to a relationship that involves sex I prefer being with a woman. My big dilema is that both of my parents aren’t even able to talk to me about my so called “choice”. I have dated a woman in the past and LOVED her unconditionally. My parents were aware of my dating her (they didnt like it), but since then I have dated a few guys. I never told them that I prefered one over the other, but now I am wanting a relationship with a woman again. I am wondering how I can tell them that I want to be with a woman again and maybe smooth things over with them? I need the acceptance from my parents, however they won’t be able to always hold me back. Please, if anyone has any suggestions leave a comment for me. Thank you, Amanda
I know this is a very old post but I think it is an interesting and important topic. Any interest in reopening this topic/post? Any advice for aqua4u?
@ Sasha I have to post this- in lue of SOOOOOO many recent gay teen suicides…..sorry I know it doesn’t really connect with the topic but it could and if it could help even one person out there then it will be worth posting. My brother attempted suicide as a teen because of being gay…..we did not learn about this until
6 years ago and he is now 41 years old. If only we had known we could have helped him carry that pain. Thankful he is doing VERY well and been with his partner 15 years. Anyhow, I just have to post this link -thanks- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IcVyvg2Qlo&feature=youtu.be
Jazmenha, I am so sorry for what happened to your bro. It is never easy to see a loved one go through that, let alone find out it happened later on. You always want to be there for a loved one. And in-leiu of the pain you all went through telling your parents…non of this could have been easy on you or him or your mom and dad. Sorry for this. I’m happy that your brother is doing so well now and I wish him contiued happiness and bliss! See, this is the real me, Jazmenha. All joking aside my lovely friend. *Smile*
@ Femmelover Thank you, yeah my brother came out 6 years back and for 4 years after that it was very difficult for my parents. The 4 yrs that followed were very hard because I live in the same city my parents do but my brother lives way out of town so all of the drama, tears etc fell on my shoulders- and my shoulders alone. I am not complaining- that is what the only daughter (who is also the youngest) with 3 older brothers is for right-smiles. So for 4 years everyday and every night the phone rang, I wiped tears between them and somehow in the end it all worked out- such is life. The reality of him being gay was respectfully very hard for my parents who were (not now but then) very old school and very traditional etc plus the in your face etc attitude of how he came out and who he came out with (his partner is not an easy person to be around) did not help matters. Finding out that in high school he tried to commite suicide-he even had a suicide note 🙁 that he shared w/my parents (not w me etc) when coming out- because of being gay was heartbreaking and was a huge reason why of us support him 100% (my parents are VERY supportive of him and the pain has now subsided but it was a hell of a 4 year ride) because no one should ever feel that death is better then being their truest and most authentic selves. God life is so much more beautiful than that! So I wanted to post this link because of all the tragic teen gay suicides we have been hearing about on the new lately. Hoping to reach out to anyone who might need to hear this video. Though I have absolutely never been suicidal in regards to my attraction towards women I do struggle with expressing my feelings regarding that attraction etc because that is a road I never want to walk down again or should I say have my parents walk down again-so that is hard- I do not ever want to hurt any special lady who I would be blessed enough to meet because I know what happened when my brother came out.
I knew I was different at 7. I even recognized “butch” because my best friend then was the tough little tomboy of the playground, and HER best friend (who was older than us) was even MORE of a tomboy than she was. I didn’t have the words for it, but I knew it and I knew I liked it. (Side note – my tough little tomboy friend? Yeah, straight. But to the best of my knowledge, involved in government and law enforcement. Some things never change I guess).
And yet, it still took me until 31 to be totally sure I am gay. Not straight. Not bi. Part of the confusion for me was that I so rarely fall for people, and I *have* had strong crushes on men. When I came out for the final time, I looked back and realized that those crushes on men? Yep, each one was someone on the “can’t have” list – friend’s boyfriend, professor, rock star I’ve met but when I was underage, totally emotionally unavailable guy, etc. There was one strong crush on a guy that I still wonder if it might have become something…but I screwed it up. Intentionally? Maybe. Actually, let me take that back and say definitely. As much as I had a crush on him, I couldn’t view myself having sex with him. The farthest we got in my fantasies was cuddling up together, after the sex that I never actually pictured us having. That’s, ahem, NOT the way it is in my fantasies with women.
And yet, I still thought I was bisexual leaning towards straight. I thought I was a LUG (that oh so nice word meaning Lesbian Until Graduation). I mean, my interest in women, at least historically, was definite. It was my interest in men that confused me, in large part because I am femme and straight looking. Meeting men? Easy as pie. Meeting women? Not even if I threw myself naked in the middle of a lesbian bar with a big sign saying “I’m gay, fuck me already!”
My coming out was really a matter of deduction. I finally realized I was crushing on, fantasizing about, and had my heart only ever broken by women, not men. Coming out was really the kindest thing I could do for myself. I got to dump all the guilt and frustration that came every time a man hit on me and I didn’t return the feelings.
That said, I am femme because that’s who I am. Coming out at 7 did not, and I think would not have changed that. I understand for some it might, but for me it had no real effect. I’ve had very femme women hit on me and I just feel weird, because they put me into a role of being the protector. I am a protector, and I will kick the ass of anyone who hurts my friends or family, but romantically, I like to express that in a more feminine way. I just feel odd next to a femme woman, and so, while I’ve had some lovely and hot femme women hit on me, it just feels off. Have I slept with femme women? Duh, yes. (Especially when my guy friends would challenge me to see who could get the girl. Dumbasses. Who did they *think* was going to get the girl? ;-)). But to date a femme would feel like dating myself.
Am I a tough girl? Yup. I was athletic as a kid (ballet- UGH. I HATED ballet. Still do), and loved crazy, out-there outdoor sports. I’m confident, independent, and have a big mouth, but yet I still am femme. Tonight I went out to a lesbian event, and while I did wear jeans, they were fitted. My shoes were dark purple high heels with little bows (oh so cute!) and my top was lowcut and my lips were reddened. Many have said that they can tell femmes because they have a toughness and independence and confidence to them that straight women do not have. I’d love to have a femme or straight girl contest to see if that’s really true. I’m guessing it is, at least somewhat.
I’m sure we’ve all seen women who’ve come out and slowly become more butch, even some realizing they’re trans. I believe Raye has mentioned she’s become more butch since she got divorced. I think that is the path for some, but not all.
Your orientation affects some of how you present yourself obviously, but for me, loving and fucking women doesn’t change who I am inside. I always thought it was based on people’s energies. It’s like when I was watching Thintervention with my verrrry straight guy best friend and he said Jackie looked better with the shorter hair because “it just suited her.” Did he have the words to say “I can tell she’s butch”? No. But her energy fits better with the shorter, spikier hair, and it’s readable to those even outside our lil community. I, and you too probably Sasha, would look weird with short spiky hair, a button down top and a tie. Could we work it? Yes, but not in the same way our butch sisters do. Energy.
With all of the reforms and focus we’re having on the LGBT community and gay rights, it will be interesting to see if people come out earlier and earlier or if it stays at the usual teens and twenties. I think with all the coming out happening, women are feeling more comfortable being butch, soft butch, hard femme, femme, androgynous and everything in between that suits their particular style. And I, for one, love that.
(I know this is an old post but the topic of this blog has been NONSTOP thrown in my face by mom lately.)
Blog title- “When you realize you’re a lesbian ….”
My answer- ( This will be a little hard to answer on a non-personal, non-TMI level but I promise to try…..) Pretty much nonstop for the last 10 years…..and especially lately when mom continues to ask me “Are you a lesbian?” “Do you like women?” I do not have any interest in going down living hell road I witnessed my brother go down when he came out and I supported him for 4 years. I told her, “I am very attracted to butch looking and masculine looking women….love has no gender…..” ( I am also very attracted to androgenous (spelling??) looking women but I didn’t want to push the envelop mentioning that one….) Then I covered it up (to avoid…..) after she got upset and told me “I don’t believe what I am hearing.” So to avoid the whole coming out mess I witnessed with my brother I said, “No!!!!!” And then all was well – well for her that is. Anyhow, I went back home and I was big mess….Then last night she asked me again if I am a lesbian. And again I covered it up – didn’t do too good of a job with that considering she told me “You are a-sexual” (???????) and then again I went back to my apt and I was a big mess after covering it up. (I can NOT lie about anything so that was VERY hard.) Sorry to ramble on and write on a somewhat personal level I am just REALLY struggling with this rt now…..so please I ask kindly that no one tell me TIM. 🙁
oppps typo- meant ……. TMI
WWG if you have a facebook page, I would very much appreciate it if you would add me because I would like to chat with you sometime. Just let me know it’s you or I might not add.
Raye, ask Sasha for my email. I can chat on there. Fyi, it doesn’t link to my facebook, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but I tend to keep my facebook separate until I get to know someone better. It’s not personal, as I have had experiences that have caused me to be wary, so it’s the way I am for people I haven’t yet met in person.
I realized tonight that I still have ambivalence and anger towards my past with men. After my breakup with my first love (duh, a woman), I allowed myself to be pulled into several relationships with men because they wanted me and I finally gave in and agreed to date them, although I felt trapped and more and more trapped as time went on. I never made it more than 6 months with a guy.
Partially I think my ex kind of soured me on women for awhile (she taught me how NOT to break up with someone), but also, I look so straight and I’m kind of flirty and men were just *there* that it became easier to date them. Also, I was very vulnerable after the breakup and willing to try men. At least then I knew my heart wasn’t involved. Too bad they kept falling in love(/lust?) with me. Ugh. Worst words ever to hear.
So, question for those of you who came out later in life and dated men for awhile. Have you forgiven yourself for allowing yourself to be pulled into relationships with men that just made you feel unhappy and trapped? How did you get over it and start being okay with your past without being angry about it? I think the part that bothered me most was the first guy I dated after the ex-gf, who I saw fell in love with me the moment we met. I straight out said “I’m gay” and he just kept saying “I want to make you happy.” I finally just gave in and I felt so annoyed at the way he just walked over my boundaries and disrespected who I said I am because he wanted what he wanted from me.
I’ve been out for 2.5 years now, and I only ever think about sex with guys when I’m so ahem, frustrated and figure I could just go find one to screw easily. And then I remember all those times I was so miserable during sex with guys and yeah, pass.
So, has anyone else gone through feeling this way? How did you come to terms with it?
WWG I can TOTALLY relate to your “Partially I think my ex kind of soured me on women for awhile (she taught me how NOT to break up with someone), but also, I look so straight and I’m kind of flirty and men were just *there* that it became easier to date them. Also, I was very vulnerable after the breakup and willing to try men. At least then I knew my heart wasn’t involved.” Between Crush and mom’s questioning I can 100% completely relate to you on this point!!!! With my mom’s nonstop suspisions (my spelling sucks) that I am a lesbian she now even had her friend set me up on a blind date with some guy. I haven’t gone. I actually went out with a guy the other night for dinner just because of all the depression and upset that I have been through with my mom’s very frequent “Are you lesbian?” bombarding of questions and feeling like I guess I should meet some guy to fake it 🙁 because there is NO way in hell I am going through what my brother did for 4 yrs when he came out. And since I mentioned my feelings towards women to my brother he has totally ignored me- minus a quick hi and hug at Thanksgiving :(. I am so fucking hurt that I was there for him and now I am totally on my own with this. (Since my mom has been asking me literally everyday for the last couple days I suspect that my brother said something and that really hurts etc) Anyhow, I when I was out with that guy the other night for dinner and it was like I was a robot. I had absolutely no connection and no interest to what was going on. Honestly I was looking around to see if there were any sexy butch looking women in the resturant. It was so annoying how he would not look at me when he was talking and then occassionally he’d look at my chest (which is average size so not like DD or anything to really notice). When he did I snapped “What are you looking at?” lol Anyhow, I came home and was a total mess again because I don’t want to fake interest in guys. I just feel so lost. 🙁 I feel so all alone in all this (not disrepect to dear Sasha) and I have been really depressed (somewhat feeling suicidal) because of all of it. It totally sucks that we have to even deal with this. I know what you mean about looking “totally straight” I completely do so that has made me wonder/upset too for the reason- how will I ever meet a lesbian/how will she ever take me seriously etc. Crap straights don’t have to come out that they like another gender!
WWG As far as your ? about “being angry about guys in/from the past….” I still deal with that all the time myself. I was abused by 2 guys I dated (a lifetime ago) and I hold a lot of anger and pain and fear still – especially from one of the guys who abused me 4 years ago in the bedroom of the apt where I still live- talk about hell, but I get so depressed that finding energy to pack up etc has been hard. It all takes time. The most important advice I can think to give you for this is 1. all people are individuals just cause one person is an asshole doesn’t mean they all are 2. people choose how to treat people and we are not responsible for their choices we are only responsible for our replies, feelings etc towards their choices 3. it is ok to be angry and to be hurt 4. healing, true healing, takes a very long time – getting to the root of the situation and forgiving yourself for “allowing” this person to treat you this way- again not so much “allowing” as having been through whatever ( I sure as hell did not “allow” him to give me bruises so allowing isn’t really the word I am looking for) 5. we each deserve to be treated with respect 6. if we made the mistake to trust the wrong guy if need to realize we ARE still ok we ARE still good people- we are bruised NOT broken 7. self worth does not come from our experiences it comes from a place VERY deep inside of our souls that no one can take from us (Have to rush off to friends now but hope this helps you.)
typo- I am in a hurry I meant to say for #6 …the wrong guy THEN we nned…..
WWG I rushed through writing my above reply/answer to your questions quickly before meeting my friends so wanted to take a longer minute to give you the more focused version of what I was trying to say. I hope this will help you and answer your questions.
your ?s -” Have you forgiven yourself for allowing….? How did you get over it …?”
my answer (what I tried to say in a hurry above)- For me it has been a long process and I have realized that it is ok to not forgive someone who has been abusive to you and shows absolutely no remorse for what they did. For the longest time I felt I must forgive him (even though he could absolutely give a shit for what he did) because I am a good person and that is what good people do they easily forgive without the person having “earned” that forgiveness. I then began to see that in doing that I was continuing the same patterns- my huge heart would get involved with an asshole man who then I would forgive even though he showed no remorse…the pattern continued. I realized it is OK to not forgive someone but to instead forgive yourself for not forgiving them. When you hold on to anger inside for what someone did to you you are then doing the same thing over and over and over but now to yourself. And trapping yourself in the pain of what he did to you. My anger is in the form of depression and not anger of the angry. As far as “allowing yourself to be pulled in…” – again you have no control over how someone acts and so it is important to keep the ownership of their actions on them..anger towards past bad experiences is a normal human feeling. It is how it is approached is what needs to be watched verses the reality that exists in the first place. Anger can be used productively to propel yourself forward- so pissed at what was done that you will be damn sure to protect yourself from that type of situation/person in the future. Or anger can be used to intrinsically beat yourself up (why the hell did I fall for his/her crap…) and then can be self-paralyzing. In my case the depression from that abuser 4 years ago in my apt has paralyzed me and moving (literally moving out) forward has been beyond difficult for me. – So I know how challenging what you are asking is. Sorry for long answer but I wanted to address your questions. Hope that helps.
WWG I know what you mean. It is not easy to let go of being persuaded to be someone you are not and forgive yourself for compromising your feelings. I did it with my ex-husband for years and I KNOW we are not the only ones who have struggled with this anger about the past. I was never abused by men. But I was pressured to be someone I was not. And it made things more difficult when asshole lesbians tried to kick me about having been married to a man in another life. But I got my son out of it so to wish I had never done it would be to wish my son was never born. I would imagine being a smoking hot femme (is there any other kind?) would make things more aggravating to you because of having to beat men off of you with a stick while not getting attention from the women you want simply because they are scared to try and you seem off limits or possible drama to them because you might be a straight woman looking for a good time. I have been the butchie scared to ask. So I know how frustrating it must be for you because it is frustrating for us as well. Then we don’t want to ask if you are gay because that might be offensive to you which is the last thing we want to do.
Have you considered wearing a t-shirt that says “fuck me I’m a lesbian.. no seriously I’m not kidding”? (I’m only kidding..a little)
If you are like any of the other femmes I know, you have probably tried everything in the book. I’m sorry. Sometimes we tend to be a little dense and incredulous that girls like you want us. It comes from a lifetime of being told we are weird or different or somehow unwanted. It is weird when we actually find the ones who do want us.
Raye- I can completely relate to the “pressured to be someone I am not” and lesbians not taking me seriously as one of them because of how I look. Since my mom’s nonstop questioning of “Are you a lesbian?” etc I feel like I have to cover up my feelings towards women even more since now she is very suspicious (and very upset at this reality until I cover it up) and there is no fucking way I am going through what my brother (who is now ignoring me since I told him) went through. But this “pressure to be someone i am not” is absolutely horrible. It sucks! I do not know how long I can fake being into guys because I have absolutely NO interest in being with them. Everywhere I go (literally) I am looking around to see if I can spot any butch looking women and when I do my heart completely melts and breaks at the same time.
Raye- I can also relate to your “aggravating to you because of having to beat men off of you with a stick while not getting attention from the women you want simply because they are scared to try and you seem off limits or possible drama to them because you might be a straight woman looking for a good time.” (Well not necessarily the “having to beat them off with a stick..” lol) Because I look very “straight” and so I do have guys asking me out (ironically they have been doing that much more lately then for awhile) and I avoid it because my heart is TOTALLY not into it. I did go to dinner the other nt with that one, but I was SO disconnected it was like I wasn’t really there. I JUST want to be with a woman/butch women but they don’t take me seriously from a far (since I am so “straight” looking) and so they don’t even approach me because they automatically assume I am straight. (Which makes sense why they would hesitate.) I don’t even know how or where to meet them 🙁 (Crush was not a lesbian she was just experimenting so unfort besides her I have never been lucky enough to actually go out with someone who actually is a lesbian) but of course guys are “everywhere”. Sigh….. I REALLY wish I would meet a special butch that I could completely spoil and love instead of meeting guys since I can NOT imagine even kissing a guy anymore. It is very frustrating and very depressing and ties back to your “pressured to be someone I am NOT”.
@WWG – What can I say? I don’t know what you are going through because I have not experienced men. I just hope and pray that you can find some sort of comfort zone for yourself and not blame yourself for the past because that is just what it is…the past and/or maybe a little of the present…don’t know. But, either way…you need to remember that this is your life; and own it; and live it; and try not to have regrets for it. Now matter what. Think of your life as a canvas that you are continually painting on. Each section represents you, and is simply a part of your life. Is there a right or wrong way? I don’t really think so because, it comes as it comes, and goes as it goes. I hope I am not confusing you. I just think you have to go with life and not feel that you have to be one way or another.
I also feel that you need to forgive/get closure in reference to your ex, because it seems she is still somehow in your everyday thought process and maybe influencing (and only you know) in your outlook on yourself…in general. I hope I am making sense.
Also, did you get my email a few days ago?
@Jazmenha, sorry to hear your brother doesn’t support you in this (truly heartbreaking) time in your life. Wow! I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I think your brother is being kinda childish and self-absorbed at the moment…and hopefully, this will pass; he will come to his senses and grow up and get on your side and help you through this difficult time in your life. I feel your pain lady and it sucks that I cannot be there for you – to give you a friendly hug, and soothe you and tell you everything will be ok…sorry. I want to. You know my email address. I am here if you need to chat.
Wow wow wow, so many awesome responses – THANK YOU ALL!! Seriously! I have to admit I’m kind of overwhelmed right now.
@Jazmenha – you are such a sweetheart. I’m sorry you have to go through so much crap and your brother isn’t even the least bit supportive. Consider the idea that he went through four years of hell with his coming out and doesn’t want to go back into that lion’s den. Doesn’t excuse him, just saying from his (possible) perspective. Btw, what would happen if you just said “yes” the next time your mom asked? I can TOTALLY relate to your dinner date with that guy. I was just realizing even my first kiss with a guy had no emotions whatsoever. I think that’s part of what made me realize I’m gay, because when I went on dates with men, it always felt like a really bad job interview, except I was expected to kiss them at the end. Ugh. No thanks.
I’m sorry you went through so much abuse, but it does seem you have a very good perspective on it and have done a lot of work to make sure you’ll never be in that position again. I commend you for that. It’s quite hard, isn’t it?
I guess part of my anger is at myself, because if I’d had the spine to stand up and say “if you want to make me happy, then understand I am a lesbian and respect that. I get it, you’re into me, but it’s a no go” I might have figured it out earlier, and have not wasted 10 years dating men who I didn’t really like (beyond friendship). Then again, BECAUSE I did that, I am 100% certain with no doubt that I don’t ever want a man in my bed again. I am firmly, completely and happily a lesbian. It’s hard realizing that your own insecurities and vulnerabilities led you to very unhappy situations, and I just want to smack that young girl I was and say “she broke your heart yes, but you LOVED her. You KNOW you don’t love men in that way, so hold out for a girl who drives you to distraction again. She will be there one day.”
Again, I think perhaps if I had found someone I really liked and was dating and happily in love, it might go a long way to putting the past where it belongs – in the past. Granted, that’s based on time and fate, not me.
Oh, and the ironic thing? I had drinks last night with the girlfriend he dated AFTER me (who looks a lot like me, and is also a writer – I think we were both taken aback when we met each other the first time!). Neither of us talk to him, but she reached out to me awhile ago and said “I feel like if we hadn’t dated the same guy, we’d have a lot in common.” And we do. HAHAHAHAH!
@Raye – your second sentence sums up my dilemma and ambivalence perfectly. Wow. I think its harder for women to come out because men are always there, showing interest, wanting to date us, being overwhelming with their advances, and then you have society and family saying “well just *try* to date him” and “don’t you want what everyone else has?” It takes such strength I think for women to come out and say “no, I don’t want men”. Take this not as a slight to you, but a comment on society: Especially because we’re viewed as a womb for babies and one more lesbian means (or meant in the past) one less womb for a man to seed in, or one less pussy for them to have sex with. Their egos get very upset about that and they do a lot to convince us otherwise. If you’re not strong in who you are, it’s easy to convince yourself that maybe he’s right, maybe he is the one for me, and this lesbian thing is just a silly fantasy. That’s what happened to me.
Yeah, its seriously difficult for me to get people to believe I’m anything but straight. Then again, I do nothing to change people’s perceptions of that. I have long nails (which I’ll remove once I get a job again), I’m usually casually dressed, but I do blow dry my hair and occasionally wear makeup. Funny enough though, men haven’t really hit on me like they used to when I was younger, in fact I can’t remember the last time a man hit on me, so maybe they’re realizing that I’m at the very least not open to their flirtations? But women haven’t picked that up yet. Sigh. I’m going to more and more gay events though, and I’m gonna get myself a pride ring soon. I love the idea for that tee shirt, but yeah, NO. I can so see the crap I’d get from men for that!! EWWWW! And bless you for saying all femmes are smoking hot. Excuse me for a second Sarah, but um, SWOON! 😉
@Femmelover – You’re back! 😉 And yes, I received your email. Sorry been quite social the last couple of days, so I will get back to you tonight. I’m a pretty confident girl, so I don’t know why this is bothering me so much, other than that I don’t forget my hurts easily. I mean, I know who I am today and the wisdom and kindness and empathy I have for my friends comes not because of the successes in my life, but the hard won battles to pick myself up after things haven’t gone my way. Suffice to say, my 20s were a big jumble of confusion! I like what you said about owning my life. I mean, I do (or so I think), but I guess there’s some battle scars there that are hard to paint over? I dunno.
Yes, I know I need to resolve my issues with the ex, but when we were breaking up, I tried to desperately, only to find she kept using my attempts to talk things out to hurt me over and over. She was very passive-aggressive and lacking much sensitivity. As much as I intellectually know that, it still hurts, yanno? Also, our relationship LITERALLY changed the course of my life. I would have been on a very different path if I hadn’t fallen in love with her. A better path? A worse one? I don’t know, but definitely a different one.
Also, especially because she’s the only person I’ve ever loved. I think if I’d had other loves since I could get over her and that crap easier, because it’s an embarrassingly long time ago, but again, I went into dating men who persuaded me that they were right for me (wrong). All these years later, I’m finally in charge of my heart. Damn I was always a late bloomer. So annoying!
@All – thank you for your lovely, thoughtful and awesome responses.
@ Femmelover- Great to see you back writing on CCL. Thank you so much. You are sincerely a good person with a wonderfully thoughtful/kind soul and I appreciate you very much. I agree my brother is being very childish about the whole thing. I told him my feelings towards women and he said I was only a “mental lesbian” and that was it- subject closed for him- quick hello and hug at Thanksgiving and that’s been it. (whatever!)
@ WWG Thank you so much for your message above. Hope something I said was of help to you.
Sorry to write just a quick note- I am exhausted – family funeral today from 9am to 2 pm and then reception at my parent’s that I organized from 2 pm to literally now 7:30pm.
@Jaz condolences for your family loss darlin… as far as your other struggles, you know what I think already. Until you are able to stop worrying about what other people think & tell them to live their own lives that this is YOUR life, you will never be free. What is worse? Dealing with coming out bullshit or dealing with lying about who you are and playing a game? I can tell you from experience it is almost like ripping off a bandaid to own your life out loud. It hurts a lot at first and you go through losses but those losses are removing poison from your life. Stress like this can kill you… literally.
@WWG don’t change your look to be “more gay”. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard femmes do. Fuck man… we have enough trouble finding you beautiful femmes in the first place. Don’t make us lose one more. And by the way, Sarah totally looks straight. Nothing pleases her more that wearing makeup and heels and lookin fucking fine. And I oogle at her every time she gets ready to go out. We’ve been together for over three years now. If she wasn’t so damn girly I would be fucking over it by now. Not to be an ass but I fucking LOVE girly girls. Don’t change because there is a butch out there who wants exactly what you have to offer. You just have to find her and make it known to her that you want what she has to offer too. Sarah contacted ME first by the way. She showed interest and I was hooked like a fish.
@ Raye I sincerely thank you. You are such a good person and I truly appreciate your kind words. It has been a VERY long day so I will respond to your well thought out note to me tomorrow. good nt everyone
Blog Title- “When you realize you’re a lesbian”
My reply to this (my reply THIS time LOL)- At the huge New Years party with my friends when guys kept hitting on me (eye roll -seriously I wish they made invisible forehead tatoos “If you aren’t butch please do not hit on me” 🙂 hehe) and literally (no joke) all I kept thinking about of was the title of this CCL blog post. LOL Oh well….Happy New Year everyone! 🙂
@Raye – Oh don’t worry I won’t change to be more gay looking. I can’t, it’s just not me. I would and do feel asexual and kind of ugly if I dressed more androgynous/butch, and yet when I see a woman with short hair in a suit, I just want to rip her clothes off. So no, don’t worry, not getting more gay looking!
(Besides, I think the ladies are starting to notice me! Maybe it was just an attitude adjustment I needed, not a clothing one?)
Oh, and funny thing – I came out to my very Vietnamese manicurist, who is in an arranged marriage (but otherwise pretty cool)! I get UV Gel nails (not acrylics), which I can’t just cut off on my own. She kept making them horribly square and sharp and if I ran them over my own (outside) skin, it hurt. Finally, I was there on my own the other day (aka not with mom and no other clients/employees there) and she kept asking me about boyfriends and how I’m pretty and should have one etc. I finally said “uh, I uh, well I don’t date men.”
She just looked at me and said “oh, you gay?”
“Yes, yes I am. That’s why I want them more rounded. It, um, hurts in certain places?” I looked at her pointedly and nodded downwards.
And voila! They’re rounded and not sharp!
Come and get it girls!
Oh and ps. the best part is met up with mom later and she was like “oh look, your nails are rounded like mine!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! She has no idea why mine are suddenly rounded, not square. *grin*
(I kinda wish I’d written the above comments as an actual post. Sasha, could I?)
WWG lol you’re too much lol 🙂 Happy New Year.
WWG I do agree w ya that it is more of an attitude thing than a clothing this. I would take it further though and say it IS really about getting out there to the right places to meet people- which I know you do. That old saying “at the rt place at the rt time”. Glad the “ladies are noticing” you more now. 🙂 Your “And voila! They’re rounded and not sharp! Come and get it girls!” comment = LMAO. Anyhow, you never know what happens when and where. You have a great personality and I still live in a little bubble thinking that somehow that helps though it does seem like our world focuses WAY too much on looks and unfort tends to overlook the high importance of personality. Though from the nail lady’s comments sounds like you have the looks dept covered too so you are good to go. smiles. (I made a new friend (butch-sigh) when I was flying back with a 102 fever (not looking too pretty lol) and we are still FB friends regularly writing messages to each other on FB. So you never know.) Take care. Jaz
lol @ WWG correct me if I am wrong here but maybe your signals are a little confusing? Are you into butches or femmes or anything as long as it’s female? I’m lost because you said “come and get it girls.” but you said you like short haired women in suits. lol I feel a little dumb saying this but you also said you like short haired women in suits… sooooooooooo forgive me for being dense but in my experience, even though we are indeed still girls on some level, most butchies (i.e. short haired women in suits…. usually) don’t like being referred to as “girls”. Butch… sure… bois… yeah I get that a lot but not girls… We just don’t really fit the description of “girls” most of the time. So please don’t get me wrong for being a little confused and wondering if you are possibly sending mixed signals. It is really cool that you are getting more attention from females though. Having been in a relationship for over three years now, has kinda dulled me to the dating scene. In fact I am not even sure I would have the desire to play the game anymore so nevermind… ignore my whole line of commenting… lol Maybe I should delete this and cancel it. I dunno if all the medical stuff is making me apathetic and overwhelmed but I just can’t seem to care about much lately. In fact my thought process on this could possibly be completely flawed. But anyway in my (not so humble) opinion…. long nails are definitely a plus… speaking as a butchie… ok I’m done.
@Jazmenha – Heh I really do think it was an attitude thing. Also, when I was younger and out the first time around, I noticed the more I dated/flirted with women in general, the more I started giving off the gay vibe and getting hit on by women even when I was doing something innocuous and non-attention-getting, like just buying a beer at a generic (ie. not gay) bar. So, probably the more you’re in the community, the more the community recognizes you as one of its own too.
Thanks for the personality compliment! I’m cute, but no stunner. I sort of realized the other day that I actually have a pretty good body, and a cute face, but mostly I have a great smile and a willingness to talk to most people. As my friend put it charisma = hotness. Probably. For instance, Bill Clinton sure ain’t purty like a model, but if I had to screw a man again, I’d choose him 10 times over any pretty boy model type, and so would most (straight) women, and even many straight men. He’s got charisma up the wazoo, hence his nickname Bill “Sex” Clinton.
Aww glad to hear about your cute butch. Definitely want to know more about that! And sometimes we’re at our cutest when we’re sick. Vulnerable and not giving a shit is sometimes way more sexy than being made up to the nines.
@Raye – Aww, feel better doll! What was deleted was the end to my comment was *purrrr* because I wrote put these things around it > < (opposite). Insert a Mae West drawl and a wink you've got a better idea of the way I meant it! (Silly internets – flirtatiousness doesn't come across as well)
Oh, and my taste is androgynous to butch, with more preference to androgynous/soft butch, but I definitely have an attraction to full on butches too!
WWG LOL I just have to say this lol Bill Clinton LOL No offense, but I so do not think so. hehehe To each her own. 🙂 Yeah, I agree with you – my taste is also androgynous, soft-butch and butch. (Definitely not
Bill Clinton. LOL j/k 🙂 )
Okay… so… *scratches back of head* first time blogging I guess… err… I’m young here… 16 going on 17… and seriously questioning my sexuality.. I mean I deff know I’m not straight, nor do I want to be. But right now i identify as bi but I’m questioning it because something about guys just doesn’t do it for me, I’ve never even felt comfortable enough to kiss one, in other words never have, I went on a date with one like 2 years ago but when he was being all cuddly and huggy in the movies i was feeling very uncomfortable. I’ve dated girls, I know I like that… and I can think I guy is cute but their body does nothing for me, only their face or hair gets me to think they’re cute. Girls, well practically every part of a girl can draw me to them.. not that I have that much experience *blush* I kinda stumbled across this blog while trying to look up signs if i could be completely gay, because you know, I’d rather know now and learn how to pick a chick up then be in my adult years and be clueless =/ > //// < I think I'm mostly in denial and all, b/c i live with my grandparents who are religious. My grandmother knows i'm bi, and still hopes I'll end up with a guy, but I'm pretty sure she's kinda dropping idea of that ever happening… i guess u guys can't really tell me what I am, self discovery and all that… but got any advice? and it's not like i'm the first chick in my family to be attracted to chicks… i'm most likely the first to have such a strong attraction to them though… any advice for this young one? *blush* (wow i put a lot of dots) *feels kinda out of place being so young*
😉 😉
Hi Jazmenha, glad to hear you have met someone. Hope she is all you’ve been searching for and more!
Best wishes. 🙂
FL lol No, I only made a friend that’s it- just a friend. You are too sweet though-thanks. Happy New Year!
I’m 19 years old and I just realized I’m a lesbian like… Recently.i know I have always liked girls.. I always knew I liked girls.. My first kiss was a girl!! I just didn’t know if I liked guys or not. I had sex with guys and girls.. ibut I’ve never had an orgasm.. I get sick of guys soooo fast its not even funny and sometimes.. Well almost all the time.. They really gross me out.. Especially when they try and kiss me or something.. I remember shoving popcorn into my mouth as one of my ex bfs went to kiss me lol. I’d brake up with bfs in a month but with a girl.. I could last forever with them. Also.. When I had a bf I’d have a girl on the side.. And I’d always be like “i don’t like 3 sums and I can’t date both a guy and a girl” which I really can’t but then I couldnt help myself… I could last without a guy when I’m with a girl but not the other way around.. And when I called myself bi.. It just felt wrong to say… I always thought about being a lesbian ever since I knew what it was.. And when I say I’m a lesbian it just feels so rigt!! And when I kiss boys.. I haaattee it.. Its annoying and gross.. But when I kiss girls I loovee it.. I can’t see myself with a guy when I’m older.. Getting married nd having children and all that stuff straight people do.. But I can see me growing old with a woman.. Maybe get a doner.. Have a house.. Get married and live so happy. Its a beautiful thought in my head. And the thing is is that… The signs are sooo clear.. I really don’t know why it took soo long to figure out that I did not like guys!! And yeah I’m a femme… Kinda.. I think lol… I don’t like labelling though cause I’m femme-ish who likes other femme-ish girls… But I like some non femmes too… Guess it depends on their personality more than looks… Like right now I’m crushing on a girl whos over weight and she says she’s straight but everyone can see she’s a lesbian. She doesn’t date guys and she hits on girls and checks them out all the time… I swear she’s a lesbo and I wish shed come out of the closet so I can start hitting on her or something cause I really like herr!!! Any ways… That’s my storey… Maybe butches do know right away cause a lot of my butch friends always knew… Well… Who knows.. We are who we are and I’m glad I figured it out now rather than later
Can you imagine how men would cry and protest if their families pressured them to just try to like a man? Just have sex with a man before you decide you don’t like men. Are you sure you don’t like men??? OMG how could you not be attracted to men???????
Yet this is what we endure from the teenage years onward. It’s kinda sickening and at the very least it’s an outrage.
…… 🙂 and I was reminded of this topic/blog post again today lol when I met an attractive stud/butch, however she has a girlfriend so ABSOLUTELY not because I do NOT believe in getting involved with anyone that has a girlfriend no matter how cute/attractive or nice they are (and she was definitely both-smiles). However, no thanks because I have TOTAL respect for everyone’s relationships and I always will. Hummm I get reminded of this “When you think you’re a lesbian” topic/blog VERY often LOL maybe that should tell me something LOL 🙂
Jazmenha – Wow! Smile…that must have been an exciting and different experience! *Smile* And, the topic…”When you think you’re a lesbian”…is a free flowing topic for sure. Hope everything works for you. 🙂
PS.
Did you send me your new website about dating?
@ Femmelover 🙂 You’re too funny. No there is nothing going on for me in the dating scene. lol (I wish) I have a blog going but am WAY too shy to post the link LOL so I haven’t given it to anyone because it is so personal. hehe But it isn’t a blog about dating lol for me that blog would only be just a couple of sentences. lol You’re right about this bog topic “When you think…..” being free flowing – pretty easy to think of lots of examples. hehe Happy day to you.
Sasha – I hope all is going well for you. hugs 🙂 Jaz
Jazmenha – I received a email from a site called Jazzed Dating! That’s not yours?
@Liz – My happy faces were not meant as an insult to you or to make light of anything that you are going though. You simply posted your comment before my responses to a couple of very nice and beautiful women that I communicate with. However, I feel for your predicament. Don’t know exactly what to tell ya. Maybe just to be yourself at all times. You are very young and just need to let things develope. Eventually, you will meet that one individual that helps you to decide who you want to be with.
Good luck!
Femmelover – OMG that has absolutely nothing to do with me honestly it doesn’t. The thought of me LOL- ME running a dating site would be a total mess. I wouldn’t have a clue how to do that. No wonder why you asked me about a “dating blog” and I had no idea about all that because honestly that “Jazzed dating” has nothing to do with me. Plus, unfortunately I am not too “jazzed” about dating (or much else) at the moment so I wouldn’t have too many followers of my site. 🙂
Wow, Jazmenha! That is such a coincidence. LOL! *Smile* You are so funny about that site being a total mess if it were yours! 🙂
I’m telling you that you are beautiful Jazmenha and deserve someone special in your life. And I hope you find her someday. 🙂 Courage bright eyes! 🙂
@ Femmelover thank you. ^^ I am actually figuring things out bit by bit, it’s easier to see myself being completely gay every day. I will find out what i am eventually and accept it when i’m ready ^^ thanks again.
@ FL – Thanks 🙂 You are super nice!
I just got in a HUGE fucking argument with mom about this topic. 🙁 I am so fucking done and over with this!!!!!!! I am just going to drink my Port and take my painkillers for my back and go to bed. I like Port though I rarely drink and have honestly actually never been drunk, but after that bull shit I just went through “you’re killing us with this….” Are you fucking kidding me!!!!!! I have been their/everyone’s biggest supporter in literally everything ALL the fucking time!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I know TMI- I KNOW!!!!!!, but I DO NOT have anywhere else to say this/to discuss this topic- I do have great friends but…. (PS sorry for my bad language)
Awwwww….Jazmenha. I am sorry you are going through this. You will get through it though. Remember it is not you who are “killing them” with this. It is their attitude that is causing the problems. There is nothing wrong with you. BE CAREFUL. Port and pain killers can be a lethal combo. Escapism works sometimes, but try not to make a habit of it. Hugs to you.
Jazmenha…listen…don’t do anything crazy like drinking and taking painkillers! You need to calm down; take some deep breaths and let your mind take a break from this ordeal. I know things seem bleak right now but things will get better. You see yourself now…at this point with nowhere to turn but you have all of us here on CCL. Talk to us some more and let us help you through this. Just talk it out here in our comfortable little forum. Do you hear me, Jazmenha? Please!!
Rexie and Femmelover- I am going to bed safely now. I appreciate you 2 very much.
Jazmenha – It sounds like your mom has known or suspected you’re gay for a little while now (at least from your earlier comments). So if she already knows (you know how many people come out and those close to them say they already knew?), what’s all the “you’re killing us” stuff? Maaaaaaybe parents can be a tad manipulative? Maybe she’s just trying to get you to be quiet about it. Sweet mama? I’m just saying maybe.
I have something I do to help me step away from a situation and get a little perspective. I put myself in another’s shoes and ask if I were them, would I do what they’re doing. So, like, if you were a mom and your daughter was gay, would try to get her to live the rest of her life as a straight person so as to make you more comfortable?
You are always so encouraging and supportive of other people on this site. And you’re a child advocate, right? But who will advocate for you? I sense there’s a real strength to you that just might surprise you if you were to say, in essence, “Back the fuck off”. (Of course, I’m sure you would say that smiling – hehe.)
All I can say is that if mama chooses to put a gap between you two, it’s her doing and not yours. I don’t think it’s fair to be threatened with that because what can you do? Try to be something you’re not? That seems to me the bigger misery of the two, in the long run. Your Mom’s a big girl and she can come to terms with this if she chooses. I hope she does. I hope she comes to understand that she has a daughter that is beautiful just the way she is.
I know you’ve been back and forth on your orientation, but just thought you should know there are people out here who think it’s okay and right for you to live your own life as who you really are.
Who else can you be?
Kenda Thanks so much. I feel termendously guilty writing about me on someone else’s blog- sorry Sasha 🙁 so I will try to keep this short. I have had feelings like this for the last 10 yrs but not done anything because I saw all the bull shit my brother went through when he came out. It was 4 years of literally me being the middle man between him and my parents nonstop for 4 years. During which time I witnessed for 4years of pain in my parents- mainly mom – that aged them 20+years. Both she and I have been hinting around at my attraction towards women, but it ALWAYS ends in her getting beyond upset and me, not wanting to hurt her or anyone- guess hurting myself doesn’t count for me (hummm), I always cover it up. I am SO ashamed to say that last night was no different. I brought up lesbians and that sky-rocketted very quickly on her end. I didn’t say very much. She was hysterical- “Are you questioning…..You never really seemed interested in guys………Is there something you aren’t telling us….You’re killing us with this….” My dad, who is not the calmest person either, even told her that she was over reacting. I didn’t say much, but then seeing how ridiculously (not meaning funny but meaning over the top) upset she was, I did what I have been VERY upset with myself for doing ever since – and I feel like I am not even worthy to be writing on CCL because of this…..I covered it up with her again 🙁 I said what she wanted to hear “No…” (blah, blah…) I do NOT lie about anything except this topic in conversations with her and it kills me because I am SO overly (and I mean overly lol) honest about everything else except my “gay feelings”-as she puts it. However, I am not too sure she bought my cover-up this time though. I know if there was another person involved I would absolutely have been honest, but again I choose no one (partner) to be involved because I can’ t be honest with my family about this and so I do not feel that would be fair to a do to her (a future partner). On the other hand, a friend, who is bi, told me most people get involved with a partner/s for many years before coming out (my brother did this for 9 years), who knows???? Oh well. Kenda you totally hit the nail on the head with what you wrote above -especially in your 1st paragraph. Well I don’t want to take anymore focus on sweet Sasha’s blog with my crazy life so Kenda, Rexie, FL thanks for listening/writing I really appreciate it.
Kenda This paragraph has been in my head all day today- “You are always so encouraging and supportive of other people on this site. And you’re a child advocate, right? But who will advocate for you? I sense there’s a real strength to you that just might surprise you if you were to say, in essence, “Back the fuck off”. (Of course, I’m sure you would say that smiling – hehe.)” You are so right. I advocate for children in some crazy situations in education, home environments etc.- I love to do this and honestly I live to do this for the children. I encourage and support everyone without a thought – I love to do this and live for opportunities to do this. The missing piece (which I was thinking about so much that I wasn’t paying attention and got a speeding ticket today) is I need to do all that for myself. I know this, but yet I would much rather reach out for others than for myself. I think your post to me was as Dr. Phil says “A changing moment in my life.” Thank you.
Femmelover and Rexie I am SO emotionally drained from everything but I wanted to really sincerely say thank you to both of you. I was in such a place last nt that honestly if I hadn’t have read your posts I would absolutely have taken my pain meds (that I have to take for my back every nt) after all that Port. NOT to hurt myself- NO- but just because I was very upset -not thinking clearly and taking the back meds is just part of my nightly routine. You two looked out for me when I was not looking out for myself and I appreciate that. Thank you.
Ok……tomorrow is a new day, and the next day a new day………now go read and enjoy the great post that Sasha just wrote.
Jazmenha, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, lady! You tell me what you need and I will try my best to deliver! Oh, my goodness, Jazmenha…mom’s can be so dramatic but love us unconditionally at the same time.
Can I say something in truth without you being upset? When your mom said…“Are you questioning….You never really seemed interested in guys…..Is there something you aren’t telling us…YOU’RE KILLING US WITH THIS….” I can’t help but think that she may be saying it’s better to tell us than to keep it from us. We are better off knowing the truth. I mean, it seems your Mom is saying…Is there something you’re not telling us; because, by not telling us you are killing us so much more (emotionally) than not telling us? And, would it be more hurtful for them not to know the truth…and finally be free to understand it and work through it…rather than wonder in vain? Don’t know…it’s just a thought from FL. Definetly not trying to out you. Please dont’t think that at all!!! I would never , ever, ever do that to ANYONE!!!!! 🙁
FL I could never be mad at you because I know your heart is in the rt place. You bring up valid points. In a few days I will be able to think more clearly about the whole Friday nt mess w/her and will reread all the advice above. Thanks so much.
omg i totally relate. when i was real little i was always screwing around and messing with girls. like the whole “curiosity” chapter. im 16 now and i never ever in a million years thought i was a lesbian until it hit me that i had never actyually crushed on any of the guys i “likred” all i wanted was for some guy to like me and for just anyone to want to be with me.and it was just the thing to do when all ur girl friends asked “so do u like anyone?” But i of course went through a boy crazy phase with aaron carter 🙂 but i was also in love with brittanny spears when she was younger. and avril lavigne.
as for the butch/femme dilema…..I don’t think it matters too much. i think it kinda has to do with your personality. like i dont really identify as either. but it ddnt take me as long as u to figure out. I’m a tomboy i guess. But im really into butches as well as SOME femmes. I kinda just go with the flow because attraction is attraction, right?
I am 34 and a couple weeks ago it just hit me like POW!! I have never been happy with a man. Ive been married three miserable times. I always enjoyed having the guy there for the friendship and the feeling of being safe,but, HATED the sex part. I never wanted to be touched, it made me feeling dirty and disgusting. When I was around 29 I actually left my 2nd husband for a woman. I worked with her. I had never thought about dating women before but one day i looked at her and WOW…I just thought she was the most amazing person that ever walked the earth. ( I still do) Well..she and I had our fling and went our separate ways. I then dated another woman for a couple weeks but after that I got married again..Big mistake as it was just like the other times. I didnt want to be touched etc. During that 3 year marriage all I could think about was how I’d rather be with a woman. So..now I am on my own again and like I said earlier I think I have finally figured out why all these years my relationships with men never worked! haha..guess it took me long enough.
I dont think it would have helped me if i’d have realized it sooner.I believe all things happen for a reason and in their own time. If I’d have realized sooner then I wouldnt have my 3 beautiful daughters.They are my world right now and fully support me in who I want to be.
@ GNA And your 3 daughters will be blessed with the HUGE gift of being able to actually be themselves as they grow up because of what you went through.
I’m not the sort to share my private life, being a somewhat quiet and outwardly reserved person. Truthfully, I am not sure what sort of catharsis I am hoping to gain by post this, but I am bursting to talk about this.
I am in love with a woman. She is the mother of one of my students, my closest friend and my go to person for nearly everything. We have known each other for three year and, after lunch last week, we kissed for the first time. We are both married (to men) and she has two children. She is 10 years older than me (the same age difference as my husband to me)and I am 30 years old.
Before last week, I had never kissed nor been intimate in anyway with another woman. I have always been attracted to girls but never acted on it. As a teenager I was acutely aware of this attraction and was paranoid that I might some how come across as flirtatious and so rarely spoke with other girls. I dated lots of guys–lots. I suppose it was satisfying. Why else would I have married one…? But here I am, suddenly unburdened by this fear and feeling strangely justified in the wonder and passion that I feel towards this new love. I’ve read some of you say that being with a woman was like loving yourself in the most complete way (paraphrasing), and you’re right. In her arms, I think I have finally realized what love feels like–nothing like sex with a man. She knows my body because she has my body; we have no defined roles and shift effortlessly between dominant and submissive affections. There is none of the artifice (overly theatrical love making made popular by pornography–no offence to porn, but its true) that men seem to crave during love making, just her soft, genuine moans and my breath coming quickly and freely. We are both surprised and pleased at how comfortable we are with each other. There has been attraction between us for a year or so now and acting on it has felt more natural than either of us could have anticipated. We are affectionate in public and, since neither of our husbands are around during the day, we don’t care who sees us. I feel more myself around her than anyone I have ever been with. It is remarkable
I have no idea where we will go from here. I don’t think either of us will leave our marriages just yet, though neither of us have been satisfied in them for a long time. I have been ‘grinning and bearing’ sex with my husband (controlling, intense, too intelligent and jealous man)for two years now with no hope of improving it. For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me for failing to be aroused by him and I guess, in a sense, that is true because it isn’t him I should be with…and yet, here I am.
I’m so confused right now, I’m 17.
I like guys, get turned on by them and all, but something makes me think they’re not.. right? For me.
I love the softness and just overall physique of a girl and the fragility. I’ve never been with a girl or had any experiences, but I’m still oh so confused. I found out that I’m totally head-over-heals for girls with that artsy kind of feel to them and short hair.. it’s adorable and just ugh! There’s no way I’d ever be able to tell my mother or even talk to her about it because she’s not even CLOSE to the understanding type. I thought about talking to my dad about it, but somehow I think that’d be really awkward..
God, I need someone to talk to. Seriously.
Hi Kelly – have you ever thought that you could be Bi? And, that’s really ok too! But, you really have to examine your own feelings deep down so you can try and find the answers you seek. You need to ask yourself why do guys turn me on also? You also need to ask yourself why a specific type of girl (artsy/short hair) turns you on etc…and be honest with why that is important to you.
Hey CCL family – anyone out there that has been thru something similar like this and can give Kelly some advice?
Hi Kelly- I advise talking with a trusted adult that you know. Stay strong I know it is NOT easy to have these feelings etc. Best of luck to you.
This blog post is amazingly true. I really never thought about my sexuality in my teens, I just assumed I was straight. However, in my twenties I realized I could count the straight crushes I had had on one hand, whereas I had always been checking out the girls. Damn I love women! I just can’t help it.
Thanks! I’ll be sure to keep these things in mind 🙂
I’m 14 and just realized that I’m a lesbian about 3 weeks ago. I have a crush on (dare I say love?) my best friend Heather. She’s not what is typically considered beautiful, but she is to me. She’s 15, Chinese, and awesome. The only way I know how to put it is that we complete each other. We can finish each other’s sentences and talk for hours without getting bored. We know everything about each other and help each other through life’s problems.
The only problem with this is that I’m 95% sure she’s straight.
I realized I was a lesbian after one of our deeper talks one afternoon. We had philosophized about reality and life and love, and when I had to leave, my head was reeling. I realized over the next week or so (before spring break) that when I wasn’t with her, I felt empty and incomplete. I would catch myself grinning like an idiot and then realize I was thinking about her.
To be fair, I’ve never really been into boys and I’m realizing that I’ve always liked girls in the emotional sense… Being close to ones I liked was always key, even as a little kid. I’m kind of a tomboy… I wear sweatpants a lot and don’t wear any makeup. Not that I need any. *poses* you no like?
No, makeup would probably do wonders for me, but I don’t have anyone to impress who cares about what I look like that much.
I’m going to spend the next few weeks trying to see whether she’s feeling the same. I’ve caught her staring at me a few times, but I won’t be blatantly obvious.
Looks like I’m a tad late for this one, but I’ll reply anyway. I really don’t think knowing at an earlier age changes if you’re femme or butch, I think it does however give a person time to play around with the different ideas of who they might be but to completely change it, I don’t think so. I didn’t truly realize I was gay until I was 17. It took me three years before that to realize that I might be interested in women, so I didn’t figure out until a little later in life and I don’t think it changed much, although I’m not really femme or butch I’m more of in the middle learning more towards the femmeish side. Ok I’m done rambling now.
hi i am 19 years old righ now my first crush was when i was in eight grade except i did not know i was a lesbian in fact i had never hear of lesbians or the word intil i met a girl that was a lesbian
anyway i was a in 10th grade that i had my first real crush on a girl and it hit me ( i am a lesbian)and so far i haven’t dated a girl hopefully i’ll find someone soon
and i have never being to a gay or lesbian bar so i hope to go soon to meet other les
i would like some tips thank you
sasha i like your blog
i found this quite inintresting.I acctually am 13years old and tottally out and am still a femme with a bit of butch more of a mix i guess lol. anyway i think that you can change from femme to butch throughout your life but i dont reallly think comming out early affects that. anyway just thought is put it out there
I need advice. I’m 17. I’m not sure what I am. I had a dream about me and this girl making out. It was fun in the dream. I want to live with a girl. I have a crush on a real guy and a guy from this show called House M.D. couldn’t this mean that I’m bisexual?
I am 47 years young.. old.. however you want to look at it. I have just spent the last 3 days in a mind numbing fog because I just realized that I am a lesbian. I am still in that fog! Reading this blog has helped some, and reading some online articles as well. Looking back over the years, I dont know why I am so surprised, I’ve never had a good relationship with men at all. And I have never been in a relationship with a woman, but I ALWAYS knew i would be, eventually. This has been a life changing experience, and I am still not sure of how to proceed from here, except to be kind to myself and listen to some good advice. No, I do not know what is going to happen, i just have to trust that all will be well, one day at a time.
@ M girl (aka “confused girl” name written under other post- I assume since it’s the same written) I understand where you are coming from. Many people understand this. It can be very confusing. Some people, like my brother had absolutely no questions and knew with a thousand percent certainty they were gay from day one. Others, like myself, you and many others well it wasn’t such a narrow path. And that is ok. My advice is, you are very young you have your entire life ahead of you to learn, cherish and respect who you are. Discuss what you are feeling and thinking with a trusted adult that you know in real life because it has been my experience that people (who you think you know but who might not have your best interest at hand) can take advantage when some one is questioning these type of feelings- for example trying to make you “realize” you are gay or “realize you are straight”. I am referring to my foolishly trusting some guys in real life and getting very,very hurt- two times physically hurt by this one jerk guy trying to prove something. (Keep in mind that I am sure this type of thing can happen when trusting the wrong girl as well.) So talk with an adult that you know really well and whom you trust (someone who has shown trustworthy to share conversations about this with) about your confusion, your feelings and your thoughts. Good luck.
Thanks Jazmenha. I felt like I’m the only one with this problem. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one with it. It seems like I’m the only one struggling with it at school when I see kids with their friends laughing and joking about guys at lunch.
@Katie SOOOOO understandable what you are going through. I am in my late thirties going through all this too. I’ve had strong feelings towards women for 10+years but minus MAJOR mutual (ongoing) flirting with the girl I call Crush (constant mutual flirting with Crush though Crush claims she is straight in reality (BUT as evident by her words and actions she is just as confused as the rest of us-and I totally respect that) I have only gone out with guys- though that was in the past and have absolutely no interest in doing so again. So like you, I find myself no longer having any feelings towards men and trying to figure out the women attraction. It is just very hard to actually meet someone who will take you (you plural) seriously coming out as a later life (well NOT later LOL you know what I mean) lesbian and NOT someone who just wants to experiment, but has sincere respect and sincere attraction to (in my case) butch looking and androgenous looking women (in other peoples case – women in general). Anyhow, good luck Katie.
Hi Katie. Similar situation here. It’s interesting how good we can be at denial and at shutting down a part of ourselves for so many years. It’s going to be challenging, being past the bar scene, to figure out how to do this, for sure. For me, I’m just starting with recognizing and acknowledging how I react to certain people. As I’ve wavered back and forth on the issue, the thing that it keeps coming back to for me is *wow, I never felt that way around a guy*. It’s funny how lately certain women just knock my socks off. How did I keep these feelings from registering before? I was thinking about this today, and I think I just avoided or was very critical of certain types of women. Especially butches and tomboys. Ha!
Good luck to you and I hope you find yourself in that relationship with a woman that you always knew you would be in.
@ Katie and Kenda I so can relate to you guys. I had these feelings in my 20s, but only brave enough now when I am in my 30s to do something about it though I have done nothing about it (ahhhhhhhhhhh) because it is so damn hard to meet anyone!!!!! I’ve completely given up on Crush ever taking the girl/girl relationship seriously. I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for her but I also have to be realistic. I go with her co-ed dance class every week and when she isn’t flirting with me some guy is totally hitting on her and she is flirty with him. (She is one of those extremely blessed beautiful girls.) So yeah, can’t take that stuff seriously. Anyhow, it is very hard to meet someone. Best of luck to both of you finding your diamonds in the rough.
Katie- Read “Justjo” above- she is completely on the same page as you, same age-when she realized/discovered her truest feelings were towards women, same situation as you. Her entry was a couple years back but who knows maybe she still reads CCL once and awhile and you all can totally relate to eachother. Maybe she can help you with some advice. You never know….Justjo you still out there on CCL for some advice for Katie??? 🙂 Good luck. (And yeah Kenda you’re guess I am assuming 🙂 that “yeah Jaz you haven’t completely given up on Crush” LOL is dead on hehe Actually I have to return her call rt now. hehe)
its good to see you girls know and appreciate your
own sexual identities. now there was sometimes in
the past i did follow lesbian women around… ans i guess
i am on this web site to try and figure why.
i sure do have a loss that it has taken me long to
know lesbian women are really , as in really gone
away from my reader, that they wont come back.i have always
loved gorgeous beautiful (i loooove those words girly, lace
make up etc) but it sure has taken me long to accept.
after a long time i suppose, i just did accept, may be
after some grief and indignation and with a loss and sadness.
and now truth be told its like lesbian women now turn me off,
why didn’t i know earlier??? what a waste of a sexual
identification journey
the reason,you see, is because i am a man.and knowing lesbian
women have gone beyond reach was one thing i just wish i knew
earlier.
Did any of the rest of you have a big gap between the i-like-girls lightbulb and actually being willing to come out or secretly go be with a girl? I knew I was a lesbian when I was 15 but I didn’t kiss a girl until I was 25. Is that weird?
I realised im bi when i was 15..i think im not really bi cause i like girls more.so does this make me a lesbian? all the girls i like are so fucking straight.i cant even find a lesbian girl in my city.so what can i do? if i were to find one lesbian girl, i would definitely hit on her.but there is no one here for me.how sad =(..what can i do?? someone please help me…
@ Resonance- Yes I have. And no it’s not weird.
I’m confused, I’m 23. I had my first experience with a girl when I was 20 it was amazing. Well I slept with a guy when I was 22 and I didn’t feel a thing at all. Being with a guy scares me, I don’t like being around them at all. It just happened with this guy amd it makes me sick thinking about it. My first kiss was with a girl. Am I a lesbian or bi
Very confused girl
@ Tara Don’t worry about the labels of “am I lesbian or bi” trust me you will drive yourself insane with that thinking. I sincerely think attraction and love/caring about someone has nothing to do with falling in love or being attracted to their gender, but instead with who they are as a person regardless of their gender (that is just my opinion). Bottom line, you are you and that is the only person you need to be.
@ Tara – The question of “men scare me” is interesting. You need to ask yourself why men scare you? Find that out first. I mean, it could be something more deep-seeded than you are aware of.
Find that out first and then let your things happen the way your heart tells you. Just a thought…
does anyone have any ideas on how to tell if a girl is gay without asking her directly? I seem to be having trouble doing that. I look for a friend during lunch to hang out with.
M girl…have you read sasha’s post on activating your Gaydar? Check out the rolling pictures on her site. It’s right there. Otherwise in this day and age it is pretty tuff to tell thr femme lesbian from the straight girl. Good luck, though!
Thanks Femmelover. 🙂
Hmmmm…this makes me wonder. I slept with my first guy when I was 15 and it was horrible. No sparks, no passion, no excitement…completely anticlimactic, a totally let down. I couldn’t believe that this was what all the fuss was about. I tried again and again, and just never felt anything. It was shortly after that that I went in another direction, less feminine…I wore boys clothes, boys shoes, wallets with chains, no makeup, didn’t shave, short haircut (not REALLY short…) but I spent a couple years looking sort of “soft butchy”. I believe I was on the verge of discovering my true sexuality, I was curious about women but due to family and religion kept it suppressed…I believe if I had come out at that time, I probably would have stayed with a less feminine style. But eventually I caved to pressure to conform and started trying to be what society thought I should be, wore what my friends wore, did what boys liked, and forced myself to become more feminine until it became second nature to me.
Personally, I knew from an early age, even though I didn’t know what it meant to be 5 and have a crush on a girl. I came out as bi at 14, although I didn’t date or sleep with any girls until age 20, simply because there were none I was interested in until then. I lost my virginity to a guy at 16, and became something of a slut. I don’t regret sleeping with so many guys though, I think I needed to work out that curiosity. I think I needed to prove to myself that it wasn’t just one guy that didn’t do it for me, none of them did. I was 23 when I finally came out as gay and not bi. I was a very girly girl my teenage years, but around 20 or so, I settled into my current place of somewhere in between. I like to get all gussied up on occasion, but I also have the occasional ‘dyke day’ where I want to look more butchy. I think even if I’d come out as gay earlier, I would have still ended up the same.
I’m fifteen, and I’m really attracted to certain girls. As for guys, the standards are set a bit lower. So, I’m figuring I may be bisexual and leaning toward boys? The only thing is that the idea of having sex with a guy literally terrifies me… I really don’t know how to explain it any further than that.
I was a tomboy in elementary (like boy’s clothes and everything), but in middle school, I started getting really feminine. I like girly things like skirts and dresses, but I’m also at home in a pair of jeans.
Basically, there’s this one girl I really like… But, I know she’s straight and everything, so it’s a lost cause. I’m just so confused, though. I’ve had girl crushes before but pinned it down to just wanting to be like them. This is legitimate because every time I’m close to this girl, I just want to kiss her… As you can see, it’s a whole lot of confusing.
Is it possible to be attracted to one person? Not because of whatever your sexuality says or whatever… But, because that person’s personality and body has totally just won you over?
Ugh, I’m rambling… All I’m saying is that sexuality is not in shades of black and white for me, and I’m just really lost.
I’m 22 and within the last week I realize that I’m a lesbian. I always categorized myself as bisexual early on cause I hooked up with both men and woman since a young age and had always questioned my sexuality then on though. I’ve only had one serious relationship(on and off for 5 years) when i was 16 and it was actually with a guy. we’re still good friends as to this day. I dated other men and a couple women in between our break ups. I always questioned if I was a complete lesbian because when I had sex with other men, I’d pretend it was a woman (one guy I even asked for him to dress like a girl for me – hahah) I was never satisfied with men and the relationships were never good.. I’m glad I realized I’m a lesbian now because I’m still young. it’s been a bumpy road but I’m here and ready to find a girlfriend.. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. the only thing now that I have to do is explain to my parents that I’m a lesbian. they think I’m crazy cause I’ve bounced back and forth between men and woman(I told them I was bi a few years back when I first started college). my dad makes it especially hard because when I told him I was bi, he ignored it. I just want him to accept me as I am – a lesbian.
Being attracted to the same gender feels perfectly normal to me and I’m not ashamed to admit it.I knew I liked women when I was 14 but I married a man and after that marriage ended,I just knew in my heart of hearts I wanted to be with a woman.I’m now 34 and I sleep with a woman and I couldn’t be any happier.Being lesbian is who I am and it feels good to not have to run away from it any longer.Everyone has accepted me for who I am.
I meet with group for men and women who have/are coming out after 30 and from my/their perspective it is highly variable. So many things play into what kind of person you will be (or want to be) after coming out. From their jobs, families, friends, or lovers, everything has some measure of importance and influence.
Mostly I’ve seen that the comfort we have with role we play before coming out (regardless of age) has a lot to do with the label or appearance we choose afterward. If I’m comfortable being feminine or butch before coming out then I’m likely to be so afterward, whether I’m 14 or 40.
Of course, as always, YMMV.
Elegy had a great link in which the comments section (below the article) could be really helpful for those who are wondering about their sexuality. I know there’s a more pertinent post in here somewhere to link this to, but I can’t find it, so I’m putting the link here (thanks, Elegy!):
http://www.autostraddle.com/girlfriend-might-be-a-lesbian-words-for-a-straight-guy-69914
your going into a psychology matter now its like nature verses nature what your asking depends if your born gay(nature) or if your surroundings really affects you (nurture) i believe you are who you are so you always know to an extent who and what you are so be happy that you knew before the end of your time but it is an interesting question.
I’ve always known I was different since 2nd grade, it’s clear as crystal to me. I remember being so attracted to my math teacher. I always aced my exam in math, and I was the top of the class. This math teacher has curly hair, very pretty, smart as hell. The specific thing I recall is that she really captured my young heart. I was focused in my study. When she lectures, I’m all ears, never blinked an eye, and devoured math with all my heart. As a result, I was always perfect during final examinations. During lunch, I will look for her in the canteen and together with my friends, we will go to her table and eat our packed lunches with her. I remember looking at her eat and telling myself, “i wonder what it feels like to kiss her on the cheek? she is so pretty… i just can’t take my eyes off her.” I was seven years old then, and I knew about the norms (females were meant for males only), and so at an early age, I nurtured that secret.
She left for another school that year, and my heart missed her so much. In fourth grade, I had this soft spoken, pretty classmate, who became my best friend. She told me I was her best friend too, and I was ecstatic. However, I never told her that I was attracted to her. But it was obvious I was smitten, I think she knew that too. I would write her letters giving her advice on how to study hard (dorky, I know) but never got around to disclose the whole truth. I was aware of the stigma at that time. I already knew that society called girls like me a lesbian. I was pretty scared of judgement, so I shut up. We later part ways to go to high school, and I’ve never seen her or heard from her since.
When I was young, I was leaning on the butch/tomboyish side, BUT not in terms of how I look or dress, but in terms of the way I walk, move, and such things. I avoided baggy clothes and tshirts, tried hard to dress “normally” despite discomfort of dresses, until college, to avoid spilling this HUGE secret that I can’t bear to reveal. I also adapted to “more feminine” ways of moving, talking, and carrying myself. I’ve gotten used to it, and I’m now used to looking femme. I guess the things I mentioned ultimately decided what I am right now (femme), because I’ve gotten used to it already. But I still am very attracted to (femme) women. I like to take control, and I just adore women. I tried hard to be attracted to men, I even looked up “hot shirtless celebs” on google images regularly, during high school. I dated guys in college. But I didn’t feel a thing. I felt nothing looking at ripped abs. 🙁 But when a girl I liked merely touched my arm, it felt like electricity. During college, no amount of convincing flipped me, I’m still 100% lesbian. So I just focused on my thesis and worked and studied hard.
I entered law school and graduated at the top of my class. During that time, I had a serious relationship with a girl for about 3 years, but I ended it because my ex became so demanding and we had petty fights most of the time. Now, we’re good friends although she said I’m “the one who got away,” and she’s now more mature. She wants me back, and she changed a lot when we broke up. But the love wasn’t there anymore, I can’t bring it back, however I wanted too.
I’m still deep in the closet though, and I feel I’ll become an emotional burden to my family if I out myself, so I’m sacrificing as of the moment. I’m scared, I’m a chicken at this. I live in a very conservative country in asia. In the future, I plan to take my career to new york or los angeles as people are more liberal and accepting there.
sorry for the emo post. lol.
btw, i had no doubts about it, that i was gay, since day 1. sometimes i found it weird, and i even tried to get rid of these feelings i had for women, but i just can’t. it’s all natural to who i am. i was wired that way. thanks for the wonderful post. 🙂
Ann I totally understand where you’re coming from. I the reality of my feelings towards women in the closet too from my family etc. It sucks, but I saw what hell my brother went through for years when he came out. If I ever meet “the one” then out of respect for her I would definitely come out.
Opps- I meant to type- I also hide the reality of….
wow jazmenha, thanks. you’re right. unless i find “the one,” i’d still be hiding deep under the closet. i’m now 26, just starting my practice. all these years, i fell (so hard) in love with many women, a few girl friends, some are my teachers, sent them anonymous letters (whether paper or email), professing my love for them as a secret admirer. my physics teacher in college even replied via email and told me i changed her life, yet she has no clue who i was. all of them, i made happy, and loved from afar. still, up to this very moment, i’m scared of coming out to my family. i have enough family problems of my own (my mom and dad has just separated), and i don’t want to add to that. i’m just doing my best to contribute, you know, to be helpful to the society i’m not sure would reciprocate my help. i was celebrating hard at home when i saw the news on TV that new york has legalized gay marriage. earlier, i had my eye on L.A., i thought it must be refreshing to be there, to walk freely with your parter without attracting homophobic stares. now that new york has legalized it too, i’m considering it also. whether i’ll find her (the one 🙂 ) here in or there in your country, i’m definitely moving there. people like us here in my country receives no respect from others. 🙁 it is really sad.
if the straight people only knew what it’s like to be this way. i would here them say that you can choose to be straight. i’ve read many scientific articles on this, heard many debates. it’s in the gene, so how can you revert a gene from expressing itself? it’s ridiculous. and i could also think of it this way, IF you can indeed choose to be straight, hell, many of us would be GLAD TO choose being straight, just to spare us all these hurt, to set ourselves free, to be accepted by our family. but it doesn’t work that way, at all.
To Jazmenha and all the women who posted in here, THANK YOU, for making me feel like coming home. i’ve read all of your stories and they made me realize that WE WILL find a way through all this. and when i become a very successful and established lawyer (i know i’ll be), i will make sure all your voices would be heard and prioritized.
i’m very glad it’s happening, that the world is now fast opening up to the LGBT community. 5-10 years from now, it would be so much different. the future generation is very very lucky and blessed indeed. 🙂
Ann Thank you so much for the compliment. To read your thanks for making you feel like coming home- wow that sincerely touched my heart because I know SO much what it is like to keep my truest self hidden. Wow I understand that more than you know! Having seen what my brother went through when he came out was hell. I do not want to go through with that- not at this stage. However, I believe true love (the real thing) is unselfishly beautiful and mutually respectful so with that being said when I meet “the one” I know it’ll “kill me” to come out (especially because of what went down when my brother came out) but it would “kill me” more to hurt her or make her feel like a “secret”. Ann important advice to you my “closet sister” -please take me seriously when I say this- you’re 26 THAT is the age range when people meet for eventual long term relationships. (22 to 32 is the main age range for meeting future spouses/partners). So Ann please date carefully and choose wisely who you choose to give your time, affection etc to. I’m in my late 30 s and though I had these feelings in my 20s i dated men who turned out to be asholes (abusive etc). Now I’m ready to meet her and welcome her into my world but at my age 🙁 it is really hard to meet someone eles who is single- OK I AM very picky but hello 🙂 we are all worth to be very picky. 🙂 Good luck Ann and welcome to CCL.
I’m 19 and have known I liked girls for a few years now. I can remember my elementary school days just checking out girls in my class and thinking they were pretty and stuff like that. But it never crossed my mind “I like girls” it’s kind of hard to explain. I’ve always considered myself straight until recently. I identify myself as bisexual only because I’ve had boyfriends and I have a boyfriend now who I love dearly, but every day I think about girls and how I like them etc.
well now I’m fifteen and I knew I was lesbian at the time when I was 12 hahaa.. I cought myself looking at the other girls in class, thinking how beautifull they are, not just because of their looks, in every way..
and then when I turned 13, I met this girl name Natali, and from start I could feel we have this kind of very strong connection,you know.. one time we stayed at my place and we were home alone.. suddenly it beacme very cold and we took one blanket and layed in my bed (we were watching some movie).. and then she put her arms around my neck and came closer.. I could feel my heartbeet, it went like tntnnntntt, like I was running a race or somethin’. she said ‘I love you’ and I just kissed her. It elt so right, so pure, so good.. Then I knew; I am definitely a lesbian xD
I always had this connection and attraction to women when I was younger.. and I was never interested in boys through high school. I dated two men which I loved..but knew it wasn’t for me. I dated my first boyfriend when I was 19 years old.. more out of curiosity then love.. or just infatuation really. My second boyfriend I dated for nearly 6 years.. yes.. 6 years. I knew early on in the relationship that I felt uncomfortable kissing him and had a very difficult time doing things sexually with him. I was completely turned off and uncomfortable with it. I keep with it to stay under social norms within my family. My family expected me to marry this guy, have a house and kids. When I though of it.. seemed nice and I could get by.. but I knew I was not happy with it. Recently about almost a year now.. I met someone at work.. I feel in love with her and it felt like the most natural thing I have ever done in my life. For once in my life I feel like myself and that I am free. I recently (3 months ago just a few days after I turned 25) told my parents and the flipped, they said I couldn’t be discovering this at 24/25.. that I dress so girly and do my nails. Truth is I love dressing up and looking good, I like doing my hair and make up.. I enjoy fashion.. but I also am in love with my now girlfriend and I never have been more fulfilled in my life.
Samantha- I totally relate to your story. Best wishes to u and your love.
Answering the post question (again hehe) tonight at a friend’s bachlerette party when I realized I want to meet the love of my life and marry her- there was no thought of it being a man. And then I suddenly realized I have NEVER grown up thinking my prince would come and I NEVER envisioned getting married etc. Lightbulb- my depression has been really bad lately for the last 3 months (many personal reasons I won’t post) but for one reason because I’ve been totally questioning literally everything lately except my attraction towards women yet I do nothing about it because I’m too scared to deal w what my brother did when he came out. So yes not being true to yourself is extremely unhealthy on many levels.
Im so happy to see other women share my confusion. lol Im not happy that we’re confused but Im happy to see that Im not crazy. I wasn’t one that always knew I was gay. I can remember having crushes on boys as early as kindergarden. Never any girls that I can remember. Although I remember seeing my first girl and girl scene in a porno when I was 9 and things were never really the same lol.
I didn’t date anyone until I was 18. So I was late bloomer sexually, with men and women. I remember my first time finding a girl attractive I was a freshman in college and I just would stare at this girl. Of course I wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge I found her attractive. Through the years I became friends with a lot of gay people to try and put myself in the gay scene. I was still uncomfortable and in denial with the idea of liking women, so I never dated a one. I really tried fighting it, but you can only hide from yourself so long.
I just turned 25, and I just starting dating this girl! 🙂 My first girl experience and it feels so natural and comfortable. When Im around her I actually want to hold her hand, kiss her. When I dated men, it felt like I had to force myself to want to kiss them. I always tried to keep some type of physical distance between us. Sex with men felt awkward, Id put it off as long as possible, lol. To even halfway pretend that I enjoyed penis I had to be drunk. ALthough I did love one man, I still didn’t want to have sex with him. lol But now I have to tell my parents and Im terrified. I told me best friend and she was like “Duh you never really seemed to like men, Im not surprised” So I know I have some support. Its just hard to acknowledge your different. But being honest with yourself is just an amazing feeling. I wish I would have not been in denial so long.
I can definitely relate to all of the confusion that seems to be a common theme for this post. I’m just a few weeks from my 23rd birthday and have been questioning my sexuality for years. My best friends describe me as straight with girl tendencies. Ive never enjoyed sex with men and never really felt the connection. I recently dated my first girl and felt so comfortable and so connected and the sex was insane. I grew up in a catholic household and think that my family could never accept this. Ive never questioned my sexuality more than I am now. Any advice?
@Emma Jean – Let’s see, you don’t connect and don’t like sex with guys. You connect and enjoy sex with women. What was the question?
And, happy 23rd!
Emma Jean-
Do you feel like you act in-between the 2 genders sometimes? That’s why being with a guy isn’t cutting it? meaning that, you could see yourself being with a butch and a femme or one that is in-between? If it helps to better identify yourself and have a grasp on where you stand in this new world, then check out the blog about tweeners as well. Happy 23rd and congrats for taking the very big first step. “talking” about it….:D
And to answer the title of this post ago- as I haven’t posted enough on this post lol – I knew again last weekend when at a wedding and watching the groom continue to kick the train of his new wife’s dress so he wouldn’t step on it the ENTIRE walk back down the isael. Are you kidding me?!?!? Have respect- bend down and pick it up DON’T kick it!!! I can NOT for even a second imagine a butch (sigh) doing that to her new wife- ever! OMG that was so rude!
I need someone’s opinion. Please help. I’m almost 26 and Since I was16 I’ve always had this fear that I was a lesbian. To this day I still have this fear. It keeps me awake at night and makes me want to panic; I can find no rest and no peace when it comes upon me. But this fear has only been in my life sporadically. I’ve been in love with two men in my life. The first one was when I was 20 and I loved him so much I knew that if I woke up beside him for the rest of my life that I’d never stop loving him. Then all my fears of being a lesbian fell away, but I had to leave him because he was abusive. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Then Later on, I met another man that I fell in love with, and even though I didn’t love him as deeply as my first love, I didn’t get out of bed for a week when he broke up with me. I was devestated and three years later I still have romantic feelings for him when I see him. However, I’ve never really enjoyed sex with any man I’ve been with; it’s been okay sometimes but it’s rarely an all-consuming lust, but it’s always an all-consuming desire to be with them- to wake up beside them, to cuddle, kiss, etc…And I seem to have crushes on men regularily.I recently spent the weekend at a hunting lodge and was quite sure I was in heaven. I’m very attracted to the masculine sort of men and have been very turned off by men with any sense of femininity. Yet, I’ve noted that the older I get the more I fantasize about having sex with a woman. I think the thought of being with a woman turns me on more than it does a man, yet I don’t think I have any real desire to act on it and experience it for myself, except out of fear. I’ve never dreamed about romance with a woman or having a relationship with one either. I guess I’ve been attracted to a couple women in my life, but it’s always made me panic and I felt very uncomfortable. I’m not sure if it’s the fear speaking, but I don’t think it feels right because it makes me panic. I just want to like men and I don’t want these fears or these feeling and I just do not want to be bi-curious or experiment. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a lesbian though, I just don’t want it to be for me. Ladies, can you please help me out. Am I/could I be a lesbian? Where does this all-consuming fear of finding myself as one come from?
That’s not really a question someone else can answer for you. On the one hand, yes, you’re definitely a big lez and the sooner you realize it, the better off you’ll be on the inside.
Kidding! Sort of. See, wanting someone else to tell you what you do or don’t want to read (and it may not even be accurate!), especially at the stage of self discovery you’re in, it’s not going to help you figure it out any faster. It may even make you feel more uncomfortable and push it away again. You’re on a lesbian blog, why not read the coming out posts and see if there’s anything you identify with?
“Where does this all-consuming fear of finding myself as one come from?”
Well, if you didn’t grow up in an adamently homophobic househould/school environment, it’s probably a combo of internalized homophobia from the media/our culture, and a fear of feeling (not being) abnormal. It sounds strange, but even people who make a career out of being against the grain can fall victim to that sort of fear (Josephine Baker immediately comes to mind).
Seriously, Jerusa? Forgive me if I sound harsh, I don’t mean to nor do I want to, but your type of confusion is common. You are the type of girl that will break another girl’s heart. I hope you don’t come up against someone equally as confused as you are and fall in love with her only to be left by her for a man when she realizes she’s just not that into women. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, just make sure you’re up front about what you’re doing so no one gets the wrong idea. If you put out the vibes that you want to gain some experience without attachment, I bet those willing to give you lessons would have to take a number.
I can relate .. I’ve known that I was into women ever since I was about 5yrs. old .. I was a major tomboy, only hung out with boys and dressed like a boy .. I actually wanted to be a man, for years .. When I noticed that I was attracted to women I panicked .. At such a young age I didn’t know what was up with me but I knew that whatever I was feeling I was different .. As I got older (about 13)I caught myself thinking about women and looking at my female friends .. By then I knew what a lesbian was and I was terrified that I was gay (thanks a lot society) .. I know my parents knew, but they never mentioned it .. I was free to be me .. But I hid my attraction to women and ended up forcing myself to like guys, to talk to guys, to dress feminine and to ignore my feelings for women .. I wish I never had .. I’ve been accepting the title “bisexual” for about 13 years now .. I’ve been in relationships with women (secretly), I’ve had sexual encounters with women (secretly) but now I’m starting to realize that I’m not bisexual at all, I am a lesbian .. Which sucks because I’ve been in a 5yr. relationship with a man who doesn’t agree with that type of lifestyle and we have children .. I’ve been suppressing these feelings to please others and now I don’t know what to do .. I feel stuck here now .. If I had never tried to conform and fit in I’d probably be a transgender or a butch lesbian .. But because of my stupidity young, I’m a feminine female hiding behind my lesbianism .. To anyone who is confused about who they are I urge you not to try to conform, don’t try to fit in because you’re scared, please be yourself, follow your heart, test the waters before you end up like me .. A closet lesbian stuck in an unhappy relationship with a life-changing secret ..
@Complex – Wow, now that is something to live with and through! I feel for you because suppressing feelings for the gender you love, and being stuck in marriage to a man is tough; that is to say, not being able to live the life you were meant to live and tell him how you really feel is hard for anyone…especially if you realize it late in life and have children. However, it’s never so late to be you!
No person is stuck in anything! We all have life changing secrets… it’s just how we choose to act on them when all is said and done.
So sorry you think you are stuck…but, I think you have all the power in the world to live your true life NOW…if you want!
And, thank you for the advice you gave up to those who feel confused about who they are…and urging them not to conform to society. Such a nice comment all around!
i am 19 ive always had a thing for girls id look at them and always think it was more of ajealousy i want that body type of thing while i have liked boys my relationships with good men have not worked out. i always checked girls out but could never speak to one i mean how do you just assume a girl is a lesbian or if she is that your her type… so never have i been with one ive only kissed two females and the second i still speak to she has my undivided attention i seriously dont think ive ever thought about anyone as much as i think about her but also before her with checking girls out it didnt feel natural.. as much as im not against gays.. clearly… it just didnt seem right to feel that way especially when i have crushed on guys hard….but men just dont appeal to me everyone says its a phase but they dont understand that its not a sexual attraction i have real feelings and no guy has ever made me feel the way she does inside in a completely non sexual way :] i adore her and im so glad we have been talking thanks to my co worker.. 😀
I’m a bisexual woman in my mid 20s. I identify as bisexual – but it has changed over time. When I was a kid, I was very interested in older girls and women. I had massive crushes on my female pre-school teachers. During my teens, I was only interested in boys. I never thought much about girls. I fantasized about girls from time to time (mostly older girls) but I just thought everyone was doing it and those fantasies never bothered me. But I was really into boys – I was totally boy crazy. I wasn’t very girly, but not really tomboyish either. Just a kid. I was doing sports and I also loved horses. I was wearing boy clothes and girl clothes. My parents are very liberal and my mum’s a feminist who tried to bring up me and my brother in the same way regardless our different genders. I got my first boyfriend when I was 17 – and I was dearly in love with him. I loved him of all my heart. Nevertheless, things changed and when I was 21 I ended it. I was really curious about girls. And I was bored with my boyfriend – he never wanted to do anything with me. He didn’t want to have sex, or to take walks or anything. Just play video games… However, I started to experiment a bit with girls. I was sleeping with loads of girls, and some boys. But I couldn’t get turned on by guys any more. They didn’t interest me. So I mostly went for other women. And it felt like I realized so much about myself – I enjoyed sex with other women so much. But when I got more and more involved in the queer community – I realised being feminine wasn’t very appreciated. And because I’d just discovered my newly evoked feelings for other girls – I quickly changed and adapted my style. I got myself an asymmetric haircut and started to dress masculine and stopped wearing make-up. I felt it wasn’t really me – but I wanted other chicks to find me attractive. That was all I wanted. I tried to date men but I just couldn’t do it. I found them uninteresting, ugly, boring… The sex was horrible. But women, I just couldn’t get enough of them. I also had MASSIVE crushes on different women. So it wasn’t just sexual, I was badly hurt by some girls who started to date me and then ended it in good or bad ways. So I really fell in love with some of them.
I was constantly questioning my sexuality. It became a massive issue for me. I was a bit afraid that I was gay. I mean, I come from a liberal family who doesn’t give a shit who I want to sleep with, and I’ve been a supporter and activist within the lgbt community for a long time… but I couldn’t accept the fact that I didn’t know where I was standing. Sometimes, I just accepted myself as gay, but then I just felt so unsure again. I wanted to experience the love I experienced with my ex boyfriend again. I had all those crushes, but it wasn’t as intense as that time. The years passed and suddenly I was 24. I met this girl, and we totally connected. She had lots of problems and I tried to help her. Accordingly, I was going through a really tough time and I really needed some love and support. We got together. We’re still together, 7 months later. We moved to another country together. She followed me and found a job (I am studying) She really loves me. In some ways, she really stands up to the lesbian stereotype. I’m not trying to put her into a category, because she’s very special, but she almost got obsessed with me. She wanted to talk about deep emotions, problems, grief and analyse our relationship and our feelings all the time. She’s extremely dependent on me and needy. She loves everything I love, she wants to comfort me all the time. I just love the ways in which she loves me. And I do love her, she’s a wonderful person, even if I feel that she put too much pressure on me. But the thing is, I don’t know if I’m IN LOVE with her. I’m so unsure about my feelings. I have problems with things I would never had thought I would have problems with. I love her in every way, exactly for the person she is. But I just can’t help longing for being in a relationship with a guy again. My girlfriend is very feminine, especially in her style and clothes and stuff like that. And I just feel very awkward. It’s not like I want her to be butch. I just thought that maybe I am not gay after all. I’m so confused. I’m dreaming about guys all of sudden. I broke up two months ago but I missed her so we got back together. She’ll do anything for me and I feel terrible. I just have to figure out what I want and I’m afraid of hurting her. But I can’t fucking help my feelings. Relationships… uh.
Aw, that’s quite the tragedy…. I think of that post, two things are the most important to take away:
1) You need to figure yourself out.
2) You need to accept that this probably won’t happen just because you’ve willed it to- it’s a journey. It could take years-although you may come to revelations within days, weeks, or months.
How you go about fulfilling the above is PURELY up to you- not society, or how you think it “should” go (i.e. move out, get a place, get a car- life isn’t the point A-B-C we’d like to believe it is)- you can still be with someone while figuring this stuff out, but a relationship is still WORK- regardless of the gender or orientation of the people involved. Sometimes your greatest (priority) relationship is with yourself.
Also: this may be out of bounds, but… eh, that’s me- lol. It sounds to me like your sudden yearning for a guy, and previously your surfacing of yearning for women…. It seems to me like you’re running away from something, and trying to take comfort/bury yourself in a relationship to compensate. Maybe that thing you are running from is also yourself?
I need to help how to tell to a man that I thought I loved and convinced myself that I loved him when I Only thought as him as a friend because of trust issues from being hurt from men in the past and not I discovred that I am a lesbian.
Here’s the deal- I was raised in a religious background and to even like or be arracted to the same sex was against “God’s law”. Yes, I put it in quotes because I’m not a God fearing person. So I had to be straight but during my childhodd I always had good looking friends that are girls of course. But I had to convince myself to be straight for my familys’ sake but I wasn’t happy. Yeah, I had crushes on guys but they never went further than a crush. I only had puppy love kindof relationship thing with a guy when I was younger. Dated a guy when I was 16 for two months and found out he was sex predator but at the same time I was crushing on my best friends. I also had an sexual experience and my first one btw with a girl. She masturbated me and I loved it. I think from there I realized that girls were awesome but then again I had to keep it secret from my family. When I was 19 ,I dated a complete asswhoole but was blinded by love yet I got used by him for sex and my paychecks. I hated him for that. And this was for six months. And that was when my curiousity for girls realy took a peak and was considering to be a lesbian but I was in denial beacuse of religion. My ex’s co-worker contacted me and we were starting to know each other and I decided to move in with him and his wife btw it was an open marraige. But that’s when out to my parents that I am indeed bi. So I was loving this guy and his wife for few years now. But when I keep thinking about my happiness and sexuality, did I realy guys? Actualy no. They grossed me out and I have been hurt many times over by them. Now I this new feeling for girls! I love them! Girls filled the emptiness in me when guys wouldnt. But this guy I live with, I had to convince myself that I was inlove with him and was attracted to him. But inside I knew I wasn’t. I was loving his wife. Even being bi polar as she is would hurt my feelings here and there but I would know she wouldnt mean it but with men I wouldnt know that they intend to hurt my feelings or wouldnt even noticed that they did. For that reason, I didnt like men. Now, I am finaly reallizing that I’m a lesbian and I love women. They make me happy! But how would I tell this guy that I wasnt in love with him and that I’m a lesbian that just wants to be friends with him delicately? I also realized that marraige isnt for me. I dont like being bound up by rules. I enjoy freedom and that’s what I want but I want to be roommates but in a relationship. Is there a way to hell him that too?
Please email me!
I’m 14 currently, and I’ve known I had a little interest in women since i was 11. I’m bisexual as I have a boyfriend (I really do love him, honest.), but as of late I’ve been having more and more interest in women. When my friends that are girls do something cutsie, or they look really pretty on a particular day all I want to do is give them a beautiful romantic smooch xD I love shorter girls, tombois with short hair that act femmy and cute. I’ve never had the chance to explore this side of me except for kissing a few of my friends… I just wish my boyfriend would be willing to act a little more cute and effeminate sometimes, as he hates to be feminized xD So I find myself being extremely attracted to effeminate boys with things like piercings, long hair, batty eyelashes, and wear skinny jeans and what-not. I guess that’s just a reflection of my yearning to be with a woman. I’d love to brush the hair out of her pretty face when she’s crying, and kiss away the tears,m you know? I’m cheesy but whatever :’)
ok so my name is ashley..I am 15 and haven’t came out of the closet yet..I feel horrible lying to my parents and my boyfriend wich I have been with him for a year and a half..I’m so affraid if I come out my family will hate me and ill loose all my friends..my family is so against gays..I have met this girl named melissa over aapp called skout , she is wonderful! She’s 31 and I’m 15..I know she’s older then me ..but I really could careless I feel like I have fallen in love with her..:/ she has 2 kids and a husband..but she dosent know how to come out of the closet either..and yess I go for older woman m not attracted to anyone my age ..I have known I’m a lesbian since 4th grade when. Had the biggest crush on my teacher ki know that may sound weired..idk can someone please help me!
Be careful people are not always who they appear to be- that’s a HUGE age difference 15 and 31. Plus shes married w kids. I personally think that is playing with very dangerous fire. Be careful please! I suggest ending that asap before you get hurt and in over your head. Good luck.
Ashley, she’s a pedophile. Leave her be. She’s got a lot of issues you can’t even begin to understand or realize if she is a 31 year old woman who says she’s in love with a 15 year old.
WWG and Sasha This HUGE age difference between girls and women (lesbians) sadly seems common place on CCL this reflecting society as a whole. In my profession such things are absolutely reportable in defense of the minor even if she thinks she is in “love”. Age differences are fine but NOT 15 yr old and 31 yr old and I’ve seen this HUGE age discrepancy written about MANY times on CCL and can’t help but think these young impressionable lesbian sisters would benefit from your wisdom by creating a post on this topic. Just a suggestion (hope ok to suggest) since you both are such incredible writers, good to the core souls who wouldn’t steer these young ones wrong and this topic is so important. 🙂 Jazmenha
You make an excellent point Jaz, and one I’d definitely be up for addressing. I too have noticed a few posts on here about such extreme age differences and it’s worrying.
WWG That would be awesome! That’s the type of positive, supportive, productive advice/posts that make Sasha’s CCL blog SO special. Thanks! (Once a child advocate- my profession of currently 15 yrs- always a child advocate.) To my fellow peers 30 somethings out there please respect the young impressionable lesbians in their teen age and preteenage years (I’ve read a 13 yr old, 14 yr, 15 yr etc and 30 something on CCL) – come on that’s just wrong and you all know it! If they mentioned your “relationship” to a responsible adult you are looking at a tough road ahead. It’s just not worth it.
Ha! Already started writing something. But it might be a bit before it is ready to be posted/gets posted.
WWG Heartfelt thanks- the youth count on and need adults to productively guide them
I think I was 28 or so when it finally became clear. But apparently everyone else already knew.
Hello. I am 18 years old, a freshman in college studying English and Spanish, and I am gay. I have struggled with my sexuality my whole life because I also have Asperger’s syndrome. I cannot understand people.
I never knew what a crush was until I was 16 and a junior in high school and had my first real crush on a girl two months younger than I was. Before that I would just pretend to “like” someone when I was asked about my crush. I never thought boys were sexually attractive and couldn’t understand the hoopla over pictures of boys in magazines without shirts on. I did however see women on TV and in magazines as sexually attractive and was careful about describing my fascination with them to my mom. My relationships, when I finally had them, with boys never lasted very long, partly because I never connected with them in the classic aspergian way, and partly because I was never very physically interested in them, at least not to the degree that they were interested in me. I am fairly pretty, but slightly androgynous; however, I look like a girl, act sort of like a girl, except when I was growing up as a tomboy, and tend to like girlyish things. I always sort of knew sense middle school that I didn’t really like boys and claimed bisexuality for a while. People seemed more open to the idea that the pretty girl was bi than that she was gay so I was afraid to tell anyone that I didn’t actually like boys. I also had to question because I had never had a kiss with a boy until graduation day of high school. Kisses with men were always very mechanical, and I never had the jubilation of a “first kiss” running high walking on clouds until I had my first kiss with a girl in college a few weeks ago, after which I ran back into my dorm with the biggest dumb grin on my face. I also used LGBT activism as a front to build tolerance with my mom and get her used to the idea so that when I have a real girlfriend, it won’t be such shock.
For me, the signs were that I always thought girls were sexually attractive, and men were only “intellectually, artistically” attractive, I never had a crush on a guy, only on girls, I grew up as a tomboy, even though I don’t really like men or women stuff now, and just a recognition of myself in “lesbianism.” I am literally disgusted by the thought of having sex with man or kissing a man and I always have been. I just feel so relieved finally admitting it to myself. I hate being “the pretty girl” because no one believes me; I have had a lot of guys who’ve wanted to date me. I also am not attracted at all to “butch lesbians,” just androgynous/slightly femme. I hope someone else can relate 🙂
Edit: *since middle school, *I feel so relieved to be finally admitting it to myself
And I would prefer all “the pretty girl” fragments to be read as having quote marks; I am not trying to be arrogant, but that’s how other people treat me.
(Ahhh, grammar nazi, btw)
when i was 18
loubnalez@hotmail.com
right now im having a hard time accepting myself as a lesbian coz people around might avoid me if they know the truth. What do i need do for them to understand that this is me? the real me. when they told me that the first time they saw me they think im a tomboy coz of what i wear everyday and i kept on telling me that im not a tomboy(so scared to be judge by them..).i know that the main problem is lack of self-confidence and scared..i wanted to tell them now the truth but my problem is how to tell them.. still looking for the answer.. :,?
i realized how gay i was a few weeks ago. i knew i was bi but then a few of my lesbian friends pointed out how gay i was and it all clicked for me. i had always been a bit butch and it had grown over the years. when i was yonger i flirted with girls and i just saw it as normal.it was only when i hit secondary school (13+) that i knew about my sexual orientation. by that time i was a full on butch without even knowing what type of signs it was giving off. i am so happy to know how gay i am. i think it does not really matter when you find out when you are gay it is just who you are that makes you what type of gay you are. be happy in your sink. XD
Having only just turned 17, I am at the stage where I really don’t know where I stand in this omni-confusing world. I’ve never really found men attractive, and the only women I’m close to I could never imagine being with on that sort of basis. I guess I’m just waiting for the right person to come along. At the moment I’m perfectly happy to be as I am and hope and pray that the person comes along and takes my breath away. There are women I’ve met that I’ve had to stare at just because I think they’re amazing, but whenever I’ve been alone it always comes into my mind; a bit of doubt that I can’t seem to get rid of. I have friends who are lesbians but are a lot older than me and are in relationships. I think if I meet the right person, my mind will be made up and I’ll get on with the choice that my body’s made because ultimately it’s not my choice, it’s my instincts’ and my mind’s choice. But being stuck in this limbo is driving me a tiny bit insane. I know this has nothing to do with the post but I thought if I waited any longer I’d go crazy 🙂
Answer to post title- When I saw a pic of shirtless men in a mag at the table in the lounge at work and I was SOOO disappointed the pic was mens pecks and ladies boobies. 😉 It’s NOT my fault CCL has spoiled me w all the sexy photos in posts. 😉
Typo LOL Meant to type “disappointed it was mens pecks and NOT ladies boobies” (hehe) ok now I am blushing and will now run away hehe
Thanks for your post.I am 25 and have been in a relationship with a guy for the last 5 years. However I have always been attracted to women and think of women to get turned on. I’ve recently got a crush on a girl and it is making me unable to ignore my true sexual preference. So now I am torn between being in a comfortable straight forward more socially acceptable relationship with my boyfriend who has visions of us having kids and getting married (not going to happen) and leaving him (breaking his heart) so that I can be true to myself. I am relieved that other women are taking so long to work out that they are lesbian. It is totally confusing because society tells us one thing and then I feel something else.I also think it is going to be so difficult socially to be openly lesbian, just not what I need in my life. But then I have to be true to myself if I want to be happy.
I relate completely. I came out to myself when I was 27! I felt like I finally woke up out of a boring repetitive lackluster dream. Why did it take me so long? I was also told my family and friends that they allready kind of assumed. It was no surprise to them! Why was I the last to know? Oh, well. Glad I made it here eventually.
it seems that so many of my lesbian friends (including myself) have walked a similar path to a lot of the posts i’ve read…unfulfilling (or in my case, AWFUL) sex with men, intense crushes on childhood female friends which our mothers told us were “normal for girls”, trying again and again with men even though we knew we only (or were almost always only)sexually attracted to women, and constantly hearing from female friends and relatives “are you sure? maybe you’re afraid of men? maybe you haven’t met the right man? men are just like that, you shouldn’t be so picky, of course you find women prettier than men, of course he wants sex more than you, you’re a woman, but you’re pretty, men liiiiike you, you should give them a chaaaance” blah blah blah crap. Meanwhile my gay male friends had hell in high school, particularly if they weren’t macho, but never had to deal with the entire world telling them they weren’t “really” gay. i myself am a total tomboi on the outside and a sissy boi on the inside, i like others with the same characteristics but also like tough femmes who take care of me (while i take care of them between the sheets ;). Anyway, I’m wondering what other posters think of this difference between lesbians and gay men in upbringing. One of my best friends, who has always been femme and has always known she was a lesbian (despite hearing ALL of these things from her family and friends) believes that popular culture, especially women’s magazines, tends to position women’s entire existences as being for men. “How to be good in bed for HIM!”, “how to look hot for HIM!”, “how to get HIM to love you”, etc. etc. so when we come out, we’re not just rejecting heterosexuality (as gay men do), but we’re rejecting an entire world that straight women belong to. What do you guys think of this? Also, so many of my straight female friends have terrible sex lives with men and never have orgasms with them, so it’s positioned as “normal”, while most men know that if they don’t come with women and yet come by themselves thinking about men, well, duh, they’re gay. But I also have spoken to tons of women who say they LIKE sex with men even though they don’t come, which I completely don’t understand. When I asked “why” they claim that it’s because they feel like “he” thinks they’re hot. So, here’s another reason: women are taught to think of how others think of them, rather than think of how THEY feel. This could be another obstacle in realizing that we’re lesbians…that awful “men like me so I should like men” quandary. To this day, I still have annoying straight men wonder why I’m a lesbian because “you’re pretty and some guys like tomboy girls”. They look absolutely shocked when I say “Well, I DON’T LIKE GUYS.” There you go.
@kirby: you rock. You got the world’s number, that is for sure.
Kirby This is an excellent post you have written. My brother and I were both raised that sex is bad, a sin, dirty, you will go to hell if you have sex before marriage, Mary was a virgin (were Italian) etc. My brother is gay and totally out. I’m gay and mostly in the closet. Interestingly we were never told stuff like you will grow up, fall in love, get married etc. It was just a focus on you will absolutely never have sex without marriage or you ARE damned to hell. I dated total assholes because I had no interest or attraction to men so I did not care about them being marriage material. I just knew I was suppose to like guys. I never thought about getting married- never had wedding dreams. My HUGE crushes were/are ALWAYS on androgynous women or butch women. My brother is married now to his partner, but it was not an easy road. They no longer think you will go to hell if you have sex but that mentality can REALLY fuck with your mind when you hear it since birth. I mentioned to my parents that I think EVERYONE is bi-sexual ( hehe this was my way to start the ball rolling on hello I only like women- I was going to work from bi to totally gay in the conversation) but that didn’t go as I planned because I was laughing too hard when mom said “So you think your father and I are bi-sexual???” LOL
Kirby u wrote ” So, here’s another reason: women are taught to think of how others think of them, rather than think of how THEY feel.”- BINGO!
I’m so glad that I’m not the only confused person in this world. I used to play and hang out around with boys when I was in grade school. I was obviously gay back then ( I wore boy’s clothing, short hair, etc) but I didnt know at that time what the L word meant until 5th grade. I used to have girl crushes and didnt find young boys attractive. I said to myself that it was “normal” and that other straight girls also have crushes on other girls who are pretty because they want to be pretty like them. In addition,I used to play different sports and computer games with all of my boy friends (yes, before, they actually think that I’m one of them) but then it started to change when I hit puberty and entered Secondary School. Some of my grade school classmates who were also my classmates in secondary school started to notice this change in me. In my first two years, I was androgynous?? But I became more feminine over my last 2 years of school. During these years I occassionally have girl crushes (very pretty girls). When my classmates ask me about my crush, I just pretend that I liked someone and tell them that it’s a secret. I find women more attractive than men. I even dream about kissing one of my girlfriends and I found that really good. On the contrary, sometimes, if a guy is really good looking and very nice to me, I find them really attractive but not like going beyond dating or having a relationship with them. I am a person that is very confused of her identity. I was never really interested in men, but since it was the norm in the society I grew up, I tried to fit in and pretend that men are hot and attractive. I knew a lot of my guy acquaintances admire and have a crush on me and I found it flattering. I keep telling myself that I’m not gay but the more I deny it the more I hurt myself. I’m 24 and I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. No doubt that he’s the nicest guy that I’ve ever know. He loves me so much, and his family is very nice towards me as well. We had good times together, we date, occassionally have foreplays. However, even though I’m with him still feel that something’s missing, that I’m not that free, I felt incomplete and unhappy. I wasnt really satisfied with our foreplays and I really feel guilty because I dont want to hurt him.
I am writing this because I reacently met this girl at work. At first, she was very distant. I was always the one to approach her. Then as days pass by. I started to have this feeling for her. I can sometimes feel her gayness because of the way she speaks and her gestures, but sometimes, i cant. (i know, sounds confusing huh?). When I talk to people I always look to their eyes. So whenever I talk to her, I always look into her eyes. But suddenly, her stares became longer and I really feel something from them. I’m not sure if she’s gay and she likes me. (she also feminine but not that much). I start to feel awkward around her and I try to hide it. I dont want to admit that I’m gay because I dont know what will be my friends and family’s reaction will be like. They expect a lot from me. They see me as an “ideal person” like a role model. I’m still in the closet because I’m scared that if I spill put the truth, people will judge me and look down upon me… Please help. I dot know what to do.
PS. Sorry for this long post
Diamond, picture yourself 20 years down the road having spent those 20 years trying to make yourself into something that will make everyone else happy. Is that what you want your life to be about? Cause you only get one.
Yes, Diamond…read back on some of the posts that this topic actually talks about. It’s right here for you to see. There are other posts that Sasha has written about. Take some time to go back research these topics relating to your situation. See the comments and it will help you if you haven’t already done so. At 24 you have a realy opportunity to find you before…we hear you commenting that “well, I knew then but I didn’t…” Good luck to you and be real for you. 🙂
@Diamond: Going beyond the general scope of being in or out of the closet, and getting more specific with regards to the girl at work: I see no reason whatsoever why you can’t become friends with her. You may need to give it a little more thought because you work together and you don’t want anything to come back and bite you in the butt. If you are in the same chain of command, I would suggest that you not become romantically involved, and if things look like they could head in that direction, you might look at your options to be transferred to an area/dept/division/unit where there is no conflict should the romance happen. If she is married or in a relationship, then, of course, there are boundaries that must be respected, but there is still no reason friendship can’t happen. You can even go places together, because that’s what friends do. You have to mind yourself, though, and despite any attraction you might feel, you must always conduct yourself respectably and not interfere (cheat) or be the reason for a breakup. If she is blissfully available, then there is still no reason you can’t be friends and do things together to see how that friendship develops, perhaps it will lead you to love, perhaps not, but building a foundation of friendship is the best way to go with the prospect of future happiness. If she is in a bad relationship, be there for her and help her help herself, but by no means should you take advantage of her fragile vulnerability.
That said, if you meet a girl you like and can be friends with, then nature will eventually take its course in its own time, and will decide whether she is there for a reason, a season, or for life. If you are one of the lucky ones to find true love and you have treated your relationship and her it with solemn respect, then all systems will be go at that point, and you won’t give a flying fuck what anybody else thinks.
All the best to you.
Very well said, Rexie. And, hope you are well, lady!
i`m 22 years old and still really confused…i`ve been always a little boyish.lately i`ve been thinking too mutch about girls and have some crushes.about 3 months ago i madly fell in love with my workmate.she is straight off course 😀 now i try to get over her…sry about my english 🙂 anyway there have been some clues in my early ages…but i didnt saw them or i didnt wanted to…nobody didnt really talked about gays.
i started to think about it when a girl kissed me and i loved it.after that i watched almost all lesbians movies,like the l word-oh how i love that show 😛 and loving annabelle,gia etc.about dating guys i have never felt such intense feelings as i have felt with womens,who i`ve been fell in love…i`ve been dating very many guys and majority relationships have remained about a month 😀 becuse theres no attraction and feelings or somethink like that:D so im really confused can anybody help about that ??? 🙂
I’m 37, have had lots of unfulfilling sex with various men, and am finally owning up that two girls kissing turns me on. I came out to my friends last month that I am bi-sexual and they responded, “We can’t wait to hear all about it!”
So I’m feeling supported, but now I don’t know how to meet women. Moreover, I’m not sure if I’m ready to take the next step. I will say I was glad to read about the nautical star symbol!! lol
So I just turned 25 and am faced with the hard realization to accept, that possibly, just maybe, I am into women. Being 25 with few relationships with men under my belt, I was always “too busy with school”, or “picky” to find and keep dating someone. After another date the other night with a man, we got to the makingouting and I was BORED. Thinking, can I just go home and sleep so I won’t be tired at work tomorrow?! No sparks. I practically shoved him out of the car lest it continue. I felt at the time that I should keep doing it as thats what naturally comes next in the relationship of a few dates, but the entire time my mind was elsewhere.
I know that I am attracted to men, beautiful, pretty men and the idealized version of a ‘family’ keeps me with one foot in that door. (yes, ridiculous I know). At the same time, I nearly gagged when I saw the hairy back of a man the other day. HA!! I am also very attracted to beautiful women, they turn me on big time, and I wonder if it’s odd that I’m not attracted to more ‘butch’ types. I think I have been attracted to women even as a child/teen, but always thinking that I wanted her to like me as friends, and think I was cool, or that I wanted to be like her, have her hot body, etc. Never that I wanted to be WITH her. Well, now I’m waiting for that leg kicked up while kissing feeling, and wondering if there’s a reason I never get it from a guy.
So, pretty much all out confused. Where to start? Do I like both? Am I bi? BAH!
@ Olive – Hmmm, I think being bored while making out with a guy is a pretty big clue…
Olive only you can answer the definition of yourself for yourself. Good luck.
Olive- “I felt at the time that I should keep doing it as thats what naturally comes next in the relationship…”
the longer you listen to what’s NATURAL for YOU. the closer you will get to figuring yourself out.
put all society and family bullshit pressures aside and listen to YOU! this is YOUR happiness! the rest of YOUR life!
as far as that picket fence family life. it’s totally possible to have all of that as a lesbian. my partner and i have been together 4 amazing years. the good the bad and the ugly..just like any other relationship. i have a stepson that i love to pieces. i am the housewife while she is the breadwinner. our lives couldn’t be more normal than any other straight couple.
the whole “perfect” family idea is really skewed in america!
and it’s not odd at all if you’re not attracted to the butchies. MORE FOR US!! LOL!!! j/k! J/K!! anyways, everyone has a type.
whatever your sexual outcome is…be happy, fulfilled, and satisfied! FUCK THE REST!
I’m with Olive… I’m having similar experiences in my life. With the addition of crushes. To kiss would drive me up the walls… thus what can i say?
In high school i felt embarrassed changing in gym. It was hard not to look… : ?
I relate a lot to the previous comments, as well as the initial article. My story is a bit complicated because I’m bi and don’t identify as either butch or femme (yet? Can’t I just be andro?). I wonder what would’ve happened if I realized earlier in life that I liked girls as well as guys. I also wonder what would’ve happened if I grew up around a more culturally enlightened group of people–in high school I was simultaneously repulsed by the macho dudes who stank of homophobia as I was to the girls who dressed EXACTLY THE SAME and judged those who were different. Now I’m studying at a thankfully more liberated institution, and am picking up the pieces: I don’t know which part of my identity is nature (besides being bi and okay with being in a girl’s body) or nurture (if I wear dresses occasionally is it because I am a femme, because of my hetero conditioning, or because I don’t see clothes as indicative of my identity? Does my hating makeup and preferring short hair mean I’m butch, femme in denial, or neither?, etc.). I took comfort in learning that the director of ‘Pariah,’ Dee Rees, doesn’t identify as butch or femme either.
So, to all you more worldly and experienced ladies, this girl is at a loss. I read ‘Stone Butch Blues’ and totally respect butch/femme culture but, uh, do I have to pick one? I don’t know if I’m merely neither or if after a lifetime of trying to erase gender stereotypes I happened to erase too much.
Mandy, no you don’t have to “pick one.” Actually, in this day and age it’s far more likely to find women who don’t have an additional identity to their sexuality than do. IIRC, it wasn’t until I came across Sasha’s blog that I was even exposed to “femme” and “butch” on a regular basis.
Mandy.. I understand how you feel. I grow up in a very southern town that was very conservative. If I had lived in a more liberal city I will guarantee that today I would be 100% lesibian instead of this fucked up person. I had a secret girlfriend all of high school. I slept with guys because of the pressure and to try to prove to myself and others I wasn’t a lesibian. In college I meet a girl I fell in love with, but when I brought her home it was unacceptable. I was told its okay to experiment in college, but good catholic girls get married to a man and have babies. So that is what I did. So now at 38 a casual hookup with a girl is no longer satisfying me. I had a 4 month relationship with a wonderful butch who I feel in love with and was ready to make the change, but in the end she broke my heart. I don’t identify myself a femme or anything else. So here I am.. Am I a lesibian or bi sexual. Which by the way I hate that identity. I am attracted to butches. There is something about how sure they are of themselves. It is also how turned on I get when a butch takes her clothes off and she is all girl underneath. So I am now in therapy with a pyschologist who specialize in sexual orientation trying to sort it all out. I know my last encounter with a girl was not my first and I know it will not be the last. At the same time I could walk away from my marriage and never have sex or a relationship with a man. So I guess that is my answer.
AHHHH society pressures, church “values”…all paralyzing factors of one’s sense of self. Of truly being able to be who we are at the core. Trust me I totally understand. I’m in the robot puppet club too and it truly sucks. Actually I have done a strange thing. Closed myself off completely from dating anyone. Men- I have no interest, no trust, no attraction. Women since I saw what hell my brother went through coming out I basically keep all that shoved inside my heart. Women- androgenous, butch or tomboi OMG so attracted!!!! But I do not want to have someone I love be my secret I don’t feel thats fair so I just remain alone and it sucks. Yes I understand.
I do have to add if I met the one butch for me I would absolutely say something- come out because people already hint all the time they think they know which side of the fence I’m on. The thing is do u come out then meet someone or do u meet someone and then come out. If I refuse to have someone be my secret and that is why I remain alone then I think I have my answer and thats scary for me. But life is about growing forward. Hummm so much and I haven’t even had my morning coffee. 😉
I was 26 when I first realized,, and in a 5+ year relationship with a man – my best friend.
I wouldn’t consider myself fem or butch, more of an in-between… or really maybe more of a spiritual tom boy type with long hair… if that makes any sense.
but i don’t think it matters what age you find out to determine what type you are, i think it matters who you are in the first place.
Tonight when I saw the cutest lesbian couple embracing in the airport and I suddenly felt totally alone/sad wishing that I had THAT type of love in my life. Something I absolutely NEVER think or feel when I see a man/woman embracing. Sigh……
Haz.. I soo get what you are saying. A few months ago I had an older lesbian couple come in my office. I couldn’t help be see how in love they were. They were in their late 50’s meet in college and had been together every since they met. The both said it was love at first glance and knew no matter what anyone said they would always be together. I can not even imagine how hard it was for them being out in the open in the 70’s.. But when I have older hetero couples I don’t get that same awe.
Arin- Agreed. The missing awe is not because hetero couples are more common. The missing awe is because that’s not the puzzle piece connection that I want. It hurts so much at work because everyone is engaged or having babies and absolutely no one expects these things of me. I am definitely not ugly I just never have a man in my life (no shit lol) so I am never included in any new chapter of life events and it does hurt. Once recently I was in the back car seat w a few female coworkers totally cammed in and the driver (female) randomly said “You could be in the back seat with a lesbian” to my coworker. So stupid!!!! I live in the middle of no where(and hate it!!!) so I never see any butchies 🙁 it’s just families and really old people. So when I saw the couple in the airport I was so sad and felt so empty. I was of course happy for them. Yeah I never ever feel that way when I see hetero couples. Sigh…sorry but I’m in major self pity mood today.
Jaz – that’s so funny “You could be in the back seat with a lesbian”…and what? She might change you by osmosis (that doesn’t work – I’ve sat next to lots of straight people!)? She might stick her tongue down your throat? What did she think would happen? It’s like the Danger, rip tide sign. Danger, lesbian!
Well, it sounds like you may not be as undercover as you think. Which is a good thing if you’re looking for a butch. Cheer up. It’ll happen. I know what you mean, though. Some friends took me dancing for my first time at a gay club on Saturday. There were three really cute butches there (all with girlfriends) and all I could think was Ooooooh, I want one of my very own. Sigh.
Kenda- Yeah that was the same coworker who told me TOTALLY out of the blue that she though homosexuality was a sin. She’s crazy. Yeah I agree- I want a special butch to call my own (mutually of course) too. There are lots of us who are very attracted to butches but unfort not many if any where I live now. Sigh… I HATE not living in the city 🙁 anymore oh well I love the inside of my home ;). Hopefully one day…
I always had hints when I was little but brushed them aside. I got the hugest crushes on girls and caught myself staring all the time. Until I was, 15 I think, I always just assumed it was envy because I always got picked on. I always wanted to hang around guys cause I related better with them. When I was 15 one of my friends jokingly said, “No, you just think you’re strait. Dakota (boyfriend at the time) is just such a good cover-up that you don’t even know it!” I just laughed it off until I had a slumber party and may friends told me they were bi. One thing led to another and I ended up making out with one of them. I still insisted I HAD to just be bi and refused to admit to myself till I was 19 that guys really didn’t appeal to me and they never would. I had 2 kids before that but really, that was a blessing. I can’t have kids with another woman, so now I’m the whole package deal! A stay at home mom. The family package as I see it 🙂
As far as being butch or femme… I think I’m a bit of both. A tomboy femme. Like right now even. I’m wearing stylish girly pants but a guys shirt. I’ll pull on some boots and tromp through the mud as easily as pulling on some heels and walking through the mall.
I came out last year in May. Im almost 28 I was 27 at the time. I am kinda in between not butchy but not totally girly either. I own one dress that isnt comfortable to wear. I dont wear makeup but Im most comfortable in jeans and cute girly tops. I love being lesbian having a community of strong women who dont need a man to be happy. Not that I’m a man hater I’ve just never been comfortable around men in general.
I im 32 and i’m a lesbian, i knew since i was 15, i tryed the dating guys bs, and that went horribly, i was always looking at woman even when i had a boyfriend, until one day i met this beautiful girl, fell for her hard at 20 , then we broke up when i was 27 because she was bi and she met a guy , of course and i got my heart broken, i will be 33 in may and i have yet to find my special woman to share my life with, i actually find it difficult to meet another woman, im not one for bars all the time , so really when and where will i meet the woman of my dreams? Its a question i ask myself everyday, i dont have the greatest gaydar , so im lost ! I am femme and always have been , the only tomboyish thing about me is that im a gamerchick , yes i love video games always have since i was young girl! 🙂 Living in Toronto Canada , all my life hope i find the girl of my dreams soon!
okay ladies. I have a teen daughter who told me she “may” be lesbian…she said she’s not sure because she’s attracted to older (and coincidentally unavailable guys) She has a close friend who I found out she’s experimenting with. She doesn’t know I know.
I don’t care if she’s lesbian but I don’t think its appropriate for me to allow these sleepovers. I wouldn’t allow romantic sleepovers if she were straight! As soon as I tell her “no more sleepovers” I know she’s going to freak out because she’s obsessed with this girl (who happens to be a hot mess of bulimia and needy as hell)
How do I support her but squelch this relationship which I really feel is toxic?
thoughts?
@help – first and foremost, I truly commend you for being a supportive and loving mom who wants to support her daughter. And yes, if she’s obsessed with this girl who is a mess, she’s likely not straight (clarification: not because the girl is a mess but because she’s a girl). For one thing, I would be super supportive of whatever orientation she tells you she is.
1. Join pflag (fyi – I’ve never been to one so I don’t know how helpful it is by experience). Just her knowing that you’re willing to do that will help right her in terms of the choices of women she’ll make. It will also give you a place to ask questions and not feel judged.
2. If need be, have therapy sessions together so you can navigate this together.
3. Ask *her* what she thinks you should do about the sleepovers. Give her the example of a boy sleeping over and ask what she thinks is fairest and best for you to do. Ultimately it is your decision as her parent, but if you make a ruling without her input, she’ll feel you’re not supportive and you”l push her towards Hot mess.
4. Discuss this other girl’s issues with your daughter.
There’s something about that age (well, not necessarily *just* that age) when we want to take care of someone more screwed up than us. It’s partially a boundaries thing, partially a “I need to be needed” thing and partially a “if I deal with her issues, I don’t have to face my own” thing. Encourage her towards healthier friendships and girls for dating (hi, pflag).
5. Read every book and site you can about lesbians and bisexuality. Here is of course an awesome start. I’d encourage you to read http://www.rookiemag.com which was started by 15 year old Tavi Gevinson. It really gets the awkwardness, confusion and issues tweens and teens face and helps them deal. It’s also smart, feminist and encouraging.
You didn’t say how old she was btw I just realized. May I ask how old she is? And are you a single mom or no? That will help us figure out other advice to give you.
I’m typing this on my blackberry so please forgive any typos or missed information.
Ps. The older and unavailable guys? Yeah, *not* a coincidence. Every guy I ever had a “crush” on just haaaappened to be unavailable for some reason – taken, teacher, emotionally unavailable, etc.
Jazz – It’s up to you to come out on your own. No one is going to out you! However, if you care about someone, like you said, you don’t keep them hidden! I respect you for that, lady. I wish and hope that you find a love like this. 🙂
@help me- Most important things – Open communication, listening, supporting, being a safe place for your daughter to fall back on whenever she needs a place to be herself. The outside world is a VERY, VERY cruel place, home needs to be her sanctuary so she won’t turn to outside people for “advice” and “support” that might not be the best advice and support.
I have just turned 26 and have only in the past few days worked out i’m probably gay so have only told a few close friends and am working up to telling my mum and dad…only now i’m confused and don’t know if i’m lesbian or bi.
I find guys somewhat attractive, certainly enough to flirt with them, and I like it when they tell me I look nice or something. But that’s about as far as it goes – I don’t want to sleep with them or have a relationship with them. I also had all of those boy band posters on my walls when I was a teen, so i’m just..yeah, confused.
I can’t believe it has taken me this long to work out why I have sabotaged every relationship I have ever had with a guy before it got serious – its because I don’t like them like that lol. I’m fairly shy with relationships anyway and am a double minority, because I also drew the short straw of becoming blind a few years ago. God I’ll probably be single forever, but at least I won’t be single and in denial. I guess because society still sees heterosexuality as the norm, its easy to try and fit into that mould and not realize what your feelings mean. Even since I’ve admitted it to myself though, it feels heaps better. Women are just great ?
Ok, B4 I start i would like to let you all know i swear im not “trolling” or anything. and if you say im too young i will …do….something…that shows how frustrating it is… ok now thats cleared up i will start.
I am 11 years old. After 9 girl crushes, lots of meditation, and just thinking to myself, i am absolutely positively sure i am a lesbian. if i come out im sure my mother (who thinks she knows everything about all peoples feelings and thoughts) would just laughin my face… i have a few questions.If you reply attempt to answer them.
ok:
1- Do you think im too young to know?
2- Should i come out?
3- When should i?
4- Should i share my feelings with someone?
5- What will others think?
6- How do i approach a girl?
ok thats all. just a reminder im 11 years old. Bye-beeez! P.S e-mail meh at *SASHA REMOVED HER EMAIL FROM THIS POST. IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE HER ADVICE, DO IT ON CCL – SORRY HUN, BUT YOURE TOO YOUNG TO BE PUTTING YOUR EMAIL ONLINE!* if ya wanna chat or give a personal response.
Always talk with a trusted adult you know from your life. Talk with your mom or adult relative that you are close to communication wise. Regardless of one’s age the Internet is not the safest place in reality. Sincer best wishes.
I’m what we might call a gold star, card-carrying lesbian. Never been with a dude, probably never will be. I’ve also never been repulsed by anything covered in glitter, nor anything made by Oscar de la Renta. In short, ladies, not only am I a femme, I’m a fashion obsessed, Vogue reading, high-heel worshipping, home decorating fanatic femme. But the kicker here is that I think I’ve known I was a lesbian since about the age of 13. Needless to say, I don’t think that realizing you like girls earlier on in life means you end up more butch than femme. I’ve considered (and academically studied) the gender stereotypes that have been thrust upon me since my inception, and I decided a long time ago that my personal taste DOES actually gravitate towards glitter, high heels, handbags, and sleeping with women; and it has for quite some time. Go figure!
I’ve known I was lesbian from a very early age and I’m very very femme. I don’t know if it affects really.I definitly had to burst out the closet and shout it out because no one would have guessed at all!x
Hi, Nameless for now – do you mean your personal taste leans towards femmes? Or, butches?
@Nameless for now – actually, I now understand your love for femmes. Aren’t they beautiful? 🙂
Talk about a late bloomer…I came out last year at 39. I was married for 13 years and have two teenagers! My first sexual experience was with another girl, but I wrote it off as nothing. I always questioned my sexuality. I was attracted to men but never enjoyed the sex. I always imagined being with a women during the act itself : )
I thought about being with a women for years but never has the opportunity until last summer at a friends BBQ where I met my girlfriend. We are both femme, she has a few more masculine qualities, but still femme. I would never go back to men. I am now going to be true to the feeling I denied myself through out my life. I am so glad it is so much easier for today’s youth to come out.
I’ve known since nursery school, when I liked little girls, more than boys. I was always a tomboy. I didn’t start connecting with girls until I was 19, though. I wish in high school I could’ve slept with a couple of my cheerleaders, but, it was not as easy to do in the 70s, as it is now.
My first year of college I joined the gay on=campus club, so I guess that was my official coming out.. I’ve been with femmes and butches….I always avoided catagorizing myself, and I still would rather not, except I will always, from this point, want a relationship with a femme. I also went through a time in my 20s when I dated guys. I now look back fondly on it, as my “temporarily insane” period. Nothing against the guys. They were good people. But….
it really doesn’t matter how old I get, or how many ladies in my life there have been (let’s not count right now) the nervous knots and shyness never really goes away, when you like someone special and you want her to like you back.
To any late bloomers, I say it’s never too late. The life experience you’ve had can be valuable to your next love interest. Don’t be afraid to venture out.
Being out and staying out isn’t always easy for me, I live in an area where a vast majority voted GOP in the last election. But around people I trust, I’m just myself, and they love me anyway. The gay community is where I learned how to love, as an adult. Being comfortable in your own skin is where it’s at. But sexuality is on a continuum, and very few people are all one way, or the other, their entire lives.
Well if it helps any, I’m a butch and didn’t discover my sexuality till I was 19
http://letsgetonethingstraightimnot.blogspot.com/
Check out my blog please and thank you!
Does knowing you’re gay early in life affect what type of lesbian you’re going to end up being?
I think knowing we’re attracted to women early in life will definitely affect our identity as a lesbian, bisexual or queer woman, but I don’t think it would have any direct correlations to our gender identity.
I think it will be a unique experience to each individual. Some who know early on may built up resentment or an unhealthy outlook on life or themselves, if they had a rough upbringing or were in a rough environment when they came out. Others who came out early may have a lot of self-confidence in who they are, including their sexual and gender identity.
Some women who came out early may be total macs and have an easy time getting ladies, and others may not.
I knew I was attracted to women when I was 5-years-old, but I didn’t come out until I was 18/19. I didn’t date or have my first kiss until I was 19. I didn’t have sex until I was 20. I’m almost 25 now. I’ve had 2 girlfriends, and I get incredibly shy around women that I’m attracted to. I don’t identify as butch, but I do identify as more androgynous.
I really think that our gender identity, mac-ing abilities, etc depend on the person, our experiences and our personality, and knowing our sexual orientation early on plays a part in how it will influence our sexual identity, but I don’t think knowing early on impacts everyone in the same way.
Briefly, here’s my story: I’m 38 and have been married for almost 13 years to a man who fathered my two children. We’ve been together almost 22 years and been through some incredibly challenging things, including losing a child to cancer.
We separated in January after I realized I was in love with my best friend, and I live with her now (yep, stereotypically brought a U Haul).
After spending the last 38 years as a straight woman, I am trying to redefine myself and find the authentic person inside. I’m not sure how this will impact the role/indentity I form, but for now I’m just trying to find *me* after years of being _____’s wife.
I found out when I was a sophomore in High School. I feel in love with a girl on my basketball team, then a different girl on my team, then a different girl! Now, as a sophomore in college, I have been with the same wonderful girl for 8 months, and I am SO HAPPY! I’m a sporty yet femme lesbian, but I wish I wasn’t! I would totally pull the sexy swagged out lesbian if society would allow me too, but I feel too much pressure to conform. My girlfriend is slightly more butch than me, but she has known about her gayness since she was 5, so I don’t think, when you finally realize, that if affects what type of lesbian you are.
I am an Arab Lesbian. I always knew I liked girls since I remember but I was brought up in an environment where I was conditioned to expect marriage to a man at some point in my life. But at the same time it was a segregated society so I was not under any pressure to have a boy friend so that was a relief, but I still felt conflicted and not sure of myself until I was 17 when I met a girl class mate at school and we hit it off, then one day while we were hanging out, it happened… We kissed and it was wonderful. I finally realized who I am and that society was the problem not me. However, this happiness was cut short when she got married off a few months later. I was devestated, but it was the day I grew up and finally came to terms with myself and how I was going to deal with it. I left that society!! I managed to moved to the US and now I am very happy being myself. I still remember her every now and then and wonder what happened to her, that girl who helped me with her tender kiss. I wonder if she is happy. Recently I saw a great movie called “Three Veils” (You can find it online or on amazon) which truely reflected what Middle Eastern lesbians go through. Not all of us get out and so much work needs to be done there. Anyway, I wanted to share my story in the hope that it would inspire others not to be afraid of who they are. Thanks for reading.
Nadia – What an awesome story. I often wonder what it’s like for lesbians in middle-eastern societies. I imagine it must have been scary, if not dangerous, to leave everything you’ve known to start a new life. I’m so glad you were able to do that. You must be an amazing person.
So. I just found your site after an exhaustive look for community on the web. I recently moved from California to Mississippi which is a long story but I am happier here than anywhere . . . except for the lack of community. I know ONE lesbian in town. I’m sure there are others but where, where, where are they? I was 36 when I realized I was a lesbian. I am now 47. I did try the Maybe I’m Bi thing for two weeks but to no avail. I was gay, not a little bit gay, sorta gay, kinda gay, but always been gay, will always be gay, drank the “kool-aid” gay! The only gay-friendly organization I could find in Mississippi was pflag which is 4 hours away. So, I have been surfing the web trying to find a website that is not a “dating service.” I am also bipolar so this site interested me. When I lived in Los Angeles the greatest fear I had to coming out was not being loved. But, every single person I came out to, said, in effect, “No Shit.” Even my daughter said, “I thought so.” So how is it that I didn’t know? My therapist made me make a list of people I had had crushes on and it was all women. I had the Oh My God, I’m Gay moment in the middle of a bookstore while I was trying to secretly read coming out stories. Now, in Mississippi, my fear is not so much being loved, but being fired from my job, stigmatized by a town of right-winged fanatics, and quite possible hunted down by the KKK. (I’m white, but different enough to draw attention to myself if I came out.) I also have the feeling that I wish I had know when I was in high school and college so I could have had great sex all along. The first time I kissed a woman, I thought, This is So Much Better! (than kissing men, obviously). If you don’t get the “Kool-Aid” references google Jim Jones. It’s a horrific story, but explains the concept of totally giving oneself over to a belief. What a relief to share!
That’s crazy, I couldn’t imagine being in the closet for any longer. I’m 17 now, and I think I’ve always sort of know that I like girls the way that i’m supposed to like boys. When I was little I was always quite a tom boy, i loved to play outside and mess around with the guys playing football but I think everyone goes through that sort of phase and so I never thought anything of it and neither did my family or friends. By the time I was almost 13 I had ditched the tom boy and greeted make up, straighteners… etc. All my friends had started to get boyfriends or at lease show an interest but I never really saw the attraction, I’ve dated a couple of boys and we’re still really good friends up to this day but i never really felt anything for them. I think there was always something at the back of my mind, a thought, a fear that maybe I wasn’t like my friends or all the other girls I knew. Maybe I was gay? This thought only really made itself apparent once I had kissed a girl. My best friend actually, we were 13 and she asked me if I had ever kissed a girl, I remember that even the thought of it made me excited. So we kissed, only a little kiss in the school toilets. And that was it, I think I knew from then on. But I didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be accepted. My friends would ditch me and my parents would not love me. Now I know that all that was foolish to think because I have the most loving friends and family I could ever ask for. So it took me another four years to finally come out to myself, I was sick of having to hide it because I wanted so badly to be with a girl. To be in love. Also, I was worried that I would not be taken seriously because I am not an ‘obvious’ lesbian, I like heels, makeup and long hair. Now I know that stereotypes mean nothing, it is easy to be a lesbian and be accepted in society no matter how you appear. So now I’m 17. I came out to my friends and family three months ago and they have all been amazing. I’m the happiest I have ever been. Wouldn’t change it for the world.
Nah, I think knowing earlier wouldn’t have made a difference. I’ve known for a long time (and denied it for a long time due to social pressure) and I was such a tomboy growing up but then now that I’m 24 I realized I like my long hair and my usual girl-but-not-too-girly clothes. Downside is, guys are dense, I get hit on by guys more often than I prefer and, in fact too often, 100% of the times by guys, 0% by girls. Sometimes I feel like everything about me shouts “I like chicks!” yet guys still flirt with me. So yeah, I think what matters most is how you project yourself to others and if that image is what you’re most comfortable with. I’m perfectly comfortable with myself , unfortunately, I’m attracting the wrong population.
I’m completely drawn to this thread- it is so inspiring and reassuring to read everyone’s stories. I’ve never actually written my own down and I know it will be a powerful thing so here goes…
I first wondered whether I was gay during my relationship with my first ‘serious’ boyfriend. I was 24, in medical school, pretty oppressed by the general weight of what I perceived was other peoples expectation of me. My best friend in med school was an older lesbian, and her partner was a super charismatic, sexy butch woman, who totally had a crush on me. I was simultaneously feeling an existential ?boredom and lack of potential with this guy I was dating, while also basking in the exciting attention from my friends partner and thinking “wow, i feel so much sexier and attractive through her eyes than I do through his”.
I remember spending a weekend alone, contemplating all of this, wondering if I was gay. I remember thinking about all the love songs on the radio that were written by and for straight people, and how I could never listen to the radio again and feel included if I were a lesbian. I remember thinking about power, and how being a lesbian would automatically strip me of a certain kind of societal currency, like I would be swept aside and ignored by the men who were in charge.
I thought about the woman I had met the summer before, a total soulmate, someone I had clicked with from the first second, who inspired me and made me laugh and felt like home. Wait, maybe I was in love with her?
The guy and I broke up, of course. I was tortured by that, trying to understand what was fundamentally wrong with me that our relationship wasn’t ‘enough.’ I was also feeling SUPER resistant to the idea of being a lesbian. It was just totally not okay with me.
So welcome to the next, well, fifteen years of my life, basically.
After finishing medical school (and continuing to sleep with guys, no real relationships, no really compelling attractions to men intellectually or emotionally) I decided I would take the bull by the horns and move to Vancouver (where my soulmate friend was living), and be a lesbian, dammit!
So I moved. And tried to be a lesbian, but now I see that I was still fundamentally blocked by my own inner resistance. My friend was out there, and she had since come out as a lesbian. She was interested in me. I was terrified. Completely terrified of that, of her, of the prospect of actually being together. I remember thinking “yeah, but if she and i get together we’ll never break up” – I couldn’t do it. We kissed a couple of times on a kayaking trip- before it happened I imagined that kissing her would be like jumping out of an airplane into the blissful freedom of my true self. But it wasn’t really like that. It was beautiful and sweet, but not liberating.
On I go, continuing to date men, continuing to hurt them, and myself, by not being able to get past a certain superficial place, always ending relationship because ” I think I”m a lesbian”, but then getting out of relationship and never really moving forward into that identity either.
Hours of therapy. Perhaps useless therapy. Therapy from straight therapists, which may have been part of the problem. We spent hours talking about whether “I’m a lesbian’ was really just an excuse to avoid intimacy with men. I told them that I didn’t want to be a lesbian. Noone ever really asked me why not. What was I afraid of? What was holding me back? After fifteen years in purgatory, I still haven’t really answered these questions.
And so, I am still in purgatory. I have a son now, he is three, and his dad and I are co-parenting together. I live in a small town, remarkably tolerant and also full of women loving women. None of them are my friends. Despite having come out to everyone back when I finished med school (everyone but myself, it seems like), I have retreated back into the closet on the outside, living a typical straight single mom life, with no outward connections to the (enormous, fundamental) part of me that is attracted to women.
I’m 38. Still not out in the sense of feeling truly self accepting and able to move forward into relationship with a woman. There is a lot of sadness and loss when I look back at the time I have wasted, the people I have hurt, the self I have been too afraid to love and accept for so many years.
And maybe things are changing. Maybe my inner blocks are dissolving slowly. Maybe I can help hasten that process by paying some loving attention to what is holding me back.
“Perhaps all of the dragons of our lives are princesses, waiting to see us once, beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest sense, something that needs our love.” (Rainer Maria Rilke)
PS Of course I am drawn to the other stories of women who are coming out later in life- any recommendations of how to connect with this community on the internet?
Hi Lisa! We have a lot in common, it seems. I didn’t come out to myself or anyone else until the last year. I’m in the process of getting divorced, sharing my 8 year old son, and I’ve moved in with my girlfriend…life is surreal!
I can truly say I’ve always known.. (my grandpa even told my mother when i was born, but she thought he was being an ass an didnt want to believe it).. Teachers would always get me confused with the boys because my mom dressed me in cargo shorts and t-shirts.. I finally came out when I was 14.. Meh. I some how in the mix of things ended up being fem.. Lol
Lisa,
Lisa,
Take your time, but hurry up. I cannot promise coming out to everyone will be a calm, reassuring victory. But I can tell you that I have never felt more alive then when I came out. I didn’t lose my daughter or friends, but, alas, I have never come out to my mom and sister. It is the hiding that hurts. A friend once told me to give a person 3 years for others to adjust to my news, but everyone so far was fine with it (save mom). You have to love you first. Work on that and the other people in your life will either be there for you or not. It is best to know upfront who will stand by you and who will not. And, find a new therapist!
Well here goes, I am 33, this month and just figured it out I guess that I am gay, I have questioned myself for a while and my Aunt thought I was for a very long time, she is also, so I am very new to the community and don’t know where to start any suggestions?
Different insight here…my daughter is 20 and never really came out…We just always knew. She wore dresses because our religion expected it but she also wore hiking boots, boys tshirts, and loved playing boy games. She is not a femme but I dont think it has to do with her acknowledging it early on. She just feels more comfortable without the girly frills. Now me……I am 42 and not too much of either…I think its just what you feel ok with
Well, I know I started to gain feelings maybe around 14? I know I was in middle school. At first I was denying it. I knew I had crushes on guys and all of a sudden I’m gaining some feelings for girls? It felt weird for me. Well I pushed my feelings away afterwards. Not letting them get to me. Still denying. They went away for a bit. Then they weren’t strong at all, though they would come back stronger. It was kinda back and forth. After a while I didn’t think much of it. Until knowing that they’re getting stronger when they bounce back. I’ve dated a few guys. Had a 3 year relationship with a guy. Around that time I then was being more accepting and just say “Well I’m bisexual then.” I have experimented before etc. Not too much.
I’ve had thoughts of how I really want to be with a girl, and maybe I’ll be happier with one, along with hooking up with one. Never had a girlfriend before. I only fantasize about women, when I do with men dont get turned on at all. Still going as bisexual now, at least at the moment. I sense I lean more towards girls than men. I realize I turn my head more towards women than men definitely. I’m very picky with men. I can easily talk to them but meh on a date. Though I do have a friend that is a guy that I do find attractive. We have done things. Though I question if I would be happier with a women than a man. I like to call myself a ‘lesbian with straight intentions’ at times. Obsessed with gay rights and all lol, even love the rainbow lol. Though I’m still figuring it out. Searching more, seeing if there’s more of a process within it.
Oh! Based oof of that I guess you can say I’m a femme lol. Not butch but not a girly girl either. Wouldn’t mind getting down and dirty (literally), very down to earth. Though getting dress up time to time is nice and it feels good. 🙂 I would say I had short hair twice lol.
Also I’m 21 now.
@melissa hey, uh.. I don’t know what you are but you could take it easy on the labels and just do you. putting a label on yourself at this point will put you in a box. looking at your comments, I don’t think you’re ready to really specify your sexual orientation. just chill. you don’t want to be that silly person who gets caught up with labels and ends up calling herself straight. I think you’re smarter than that. good luck. may you have unicorn love forever.
I have been out since I was 19…I am 37 now. I am a soft butch and in the past have been attracted to feminine women. Lately I have been finding myself interested in butch women. It makes me feel as if I am coming out all over again. This all came about when I reconnected with my first girlfriend. We decided to give friends with benefits a try and I am hooked.
I had my first crush on a male in kindergarten. The thing is, I’m not sure if it was on him or the girl he wanted to be with because for years afterward I would daydream of her and how her life must be. I did for sure have a male crush in the 1st grade up until 4th. I enjoyed his smile and thought he was a sweetheart. Around my midteens my eldest sister and a few kids at school called me a dyke and made fun of me but I didn’t know what they were talking about so it was just annoying. my best friends were from back when I was about two so I never thought anything of me being protective especially over the female. Reading my journal from back then I called her beautiful and an angel and would get really upset when others hurt her. In 7th grade I kissed my friend at her bday. Well, she kissed me but I was drawn to her so yea. I never forgot that especially because it happened at other times as well. Except I didn’t know what to do with it. She was ready to show the whole world I was hers and vice versa but I had no clue of what was going on. Feelings weren’t my forte due to abuse I was still enduring at the time. It didn’t feel wrong to me when I held her hand or kissed her but what the hell do I do with that was my question haha. I drove this girl nuts for the next few years. She dated my ex bf and he broke up with her for me and I broke up with him for her. It was a mess that could have been avoided. I did have bf’s later but I never saw the point. I would have sex and feel nothing. In the back of my mind I wanted what I had with her back but I looked for it in males. I’m 20 now, in the last year I finally was able to develop crushes again, one on a male and as much as I liked hanging out with him, I’m afraid I might have just been lonely. We tried long distance and that canked. Then it was weird, developed one on my best friend. She is amazing but now I’m looking for reasons not to like her but I already do. She’s gay but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t see me like that. See, in the past it made me uncomfortable when ppl brought up their feelings against anything other than straight and celibate/asexual. It bothered me not just in a that’s wrong kind of way but in a Im out of luck deal. Do I like women? Yes. Do I find men attractive? Yes. I don’t even like the idea of sex with a man much less seeing them naked in person. A woman, idk. I deemed my first girl I kissed as crazy and decided no more females. But whenever I imagine the future, I see my best friend there with me, her mom and everything and us joking around, chasing her through the house and hearing her laugh and smile. I can also see my other friend and me laughing and horse playing but not really anything more and it’s I just don’t see him that way but enjoy his company and attention. Idk what to make of it all. On the other note, I was a total tomboy and so is my friend. I may dress up a little bit sometimes but neither of us wear make up or anything. It’s preference in what makes me comfortable.
I’m 16 and I came out to myself a few months back as a lesbian I was in complete denial about it even though I had complete crushes on girls personally I think people don’t really become butch because they know their lesbian I think all people differ some women are straight and still wear suits to formal events when I was closeted to myself I hated dresses and anything pink and frilly it never appealed to me and I don’t think that would have changed if I was still closeted to myself I also know that a lot of Lesbians wear very feminine clothes as well and do ”feminine” things
I’m gay. And it took me almost 20 and a half years to genuinely figure it out. For a long time I have identified as “bisexual/pansexual” because I knew I *really* liked women, but have also pretty much only dated men, because I’d always been too damn shy to talk to women. At the same time, I’ve always had more guy friends, and would date them when they became interested in me, because we were friends and our personalities already clicked, so why not, right?(i can totally relate to that part of this post) I grew up with the notion that your “forever partner” should be your best friend in life. The first guy I ever actually pursued *was* my best friend at the time. He made me laugh and I just thought he was awesome. He took my “virginity”, and I have always been really attached to him to this day, but we were always so on/off. In hindsight, I think it was a mixture of our personalities clashing, and me never quite feeling “content”, but I always felt like I needed him. I think my most “successful” relationships with men were honestly the ones that were more physical. Guys don’t exactly get me in the mood by their looks, even if they’re attractive guys. And penises *are* weird, and it’s no secret that I kind of hate the shit that comes out of them haha. I liked the sex, though, when it was good, hell, penetration just feels freaking awesome haha. But I’ve always been a helluva lot more attracted to women. As of late I’ve finally gathered up the courage to talk to them, flirt, and explore that side of me emotionally, and it just feels *right*. I just don’t understand, having had so many like-minded, accepting, and supportive friends throughout high school, that I didn’t reach this conclusion sooner. I’ve had some people joke about it in the past, but I just shrugged it off like, “nahh you’re silly, I’ve dated so many dudes, the fuq?”. But in all reality, I could always picture a future with a wife, but I had to really struggle to picture a husband. The only guy I ever could was in my life for years, so it was easier picturing him down the road, but from my general lack of wanting a man forever, down to the mere inner dread of ever having a “baby daddy” in my life to deal with(though the baby I’d be cool with lol), it’s become plainly obvious that I *don’t *want a man in my forever world. And I finally feel comfortable enough to admit that.
And also, I don’t think the knowledge has really influenced me. I mean, I rock the pixie cut, but my wardrobe has always been incredibly varied from dresses to flannels to heels and sneakers. My appearance depends on the mood I wake up in. And I go through regular back and forths between tomboy and girly girl, but that’s how I’ve been my entire life.
I know is really hard to stay alone without your lover been around you, I was in the same situation for 6 months till I find a solution, we both fall in love with each other and we got married but after 1 year of our marriage everything was changing after he got a new job in a new city, we where still talking on phone when he move to where he now working after spending just 2 months there, everything changed he stop calling me and any time i call him a lady will pick his call i was wondering what is happening till he called me that he was getting a divorce i was surprise to hear that from him i thought it was a joke till it happened then I realize I can’t stay without him so i began to look for a solution then i came across Dr. EKPEN of EKPEN TEMPLE on the internet who helped me to bring my lover back. i will drop his email address in case you are passing through the same situation so you can contact him on (((((Ekpentemple at gmail.com))))))
So… I’m 21 years old and I’m starting to question… not my sexuality but the sex that I like, I’m starting to …. (realise) for lack of a better word. that I might like girls but…. I have no one to talk to about it. I think my aunts would be supportive and I know my Dad just want’s me to be happy. But my step mom is….. stuck in the old ways and….. I just have no one else to talk to about this.
(I don’t even know if you’ll even read this) but if you ever do could really, really ,really use someone to talk to about this I don’t know anyone else in my life that has gone trough this. I live on a frecken farm sooooooooooo. Yeah I have what you call slim pickings around here. I would just really like someone to talk to about this. And I’m scared to go to a bar because I don’t want to experiment with someones like that,,, you know what I mean? I wanna be SURE. I don’t want to play with another person’s emotions like that. I… feel happy when I think about the fact that I might be a lesbian but… I think the fear of telling my family is keeping me from conforming to that life style. I would be the first in my family to gay, witch is…… intimidating to say the least. Sorry I’m babbling sooo… if you do ever read this could… we talk even for like just 2 minuets I would really appreciate it.
Thank you for listening to me ramble, hope to hear from you bye.
I didn’t realize I was bi until last year. I was 25. I always admired women, but I didn’t realize there was an actual sexual attraction there. I think I was subconsciously suppressing it because I was always told it’s weird and wrong. It wasn’t until I moved abroad with my husband and I developed an insane crush on a local woman that I realized I couldn’t deny it anymore. That’s right, I’m married, I didn’t realize I was bi until AFTER MARRIAGE. It sucks. I feel like I’ve missed out on something really big. Or rather, I feel bad because I don’t think I can hold myself back from exploring this part of myself.
I’m 24 and a late-bloomer in gaining wisdom about my sexuality, and I was – or considered myself – a “straight” proper full-on tomboy since I was born. I had my first crush on a woman though when I turned 12, it was my p.e. teacher in high school, but I veiwed it as an innocent excessive liking bordering on fantasies about living with her and being comforted by her a lot; I always would imagine getting into an accident and her coming to my aid … when she left the school I was more heartbroken than my piers who just didn’t get her like I did, but then again, she did treat me like her favourite. My friends would tease me for talking about her all the time, they said I had a crush on her but I didn’t see it that way … though it kinda had to be that way because throughout my early teens I started getting sexually attracted/aroused by other females that oddly happened to be like this favourite teacher of mine. There was no one quite like her and what’s weird is, without knowing her, I might never have had a clue now to what my sexuality truly is.
I digress, I also started to feel attracted to men from the time I turned 14, and they were specific types too. That’s why I assumed I couldn’t be gay, because by the time I got out of high school I started getting more into boys.
Something still wasn’t right though … I was too uncomfortable about having sex with them. I am still technically a virgin. Not always out of strict choice. But now, after all the stress and indecisiveness I’ve gone through concerning boys – I fell deeply in love with one once but he didn’t reciprocate the feeling and left me hanging like a dummy (worst experience of my life but am over it) and recently a guy I was talking to for 2 years I dumped because he was stringing me along, only asking for a friends-with-benefits relationship which I couldn’t give him, because call me old fashioned but that’s not my style – I have come to the conclusion that, after all THAT, I’m only hot for guys in a romantic non-sexual way, and with girls I am literally head-over-heels, stomach-bubbling, feeling-horny-down-below, orgasmically in love with them. But truth be told I would not have guessed this by now if I hadn’t started masturbating for a guy and then noticed I actually get a full-on, true orgasm through simply thinking about a certain actress I’ve fancied the socks off in my dreams and waking life since teenage years, rather than through watching porn. That is how I know I’m bisexual but leaning more towards girls sexually and emotionally – and I just feel … still slightly confused, and guilty because I don’t want to make the mistake of giving up guys when there could be a decent chap out there I need to leave my heart open for. On the other hand, I cannot stop thinking about my sexual lust and emotional fondness for this particular woman, it’s like she was my soul mate all along, my ultimate one who makes me feel safe and free. So I say just because you don’t realise your sexuality until 24 years of age, it doesn’t mean you’re less tomboy. I am as tomboy as they come! Since the age of three I always wanted to dress as a boy, and (ok, this should have been a major clue) I wanted to be one until I gave up that desire during puberty and accepted my gender. Haha!
And SAIGE, I know how you feel. If I came out to my family I would be the only one too, but I don’t feel it necessary to do that yet anyway considering I haven’t met anyone (a girl who would be into me that way) and wish to run off with them yet. For now they can assume I’m waiting for the right guy which I am as well pretty much, but not rushing.
I too don’t get the whole clubbing scene. Better to meet someone by fate than force it – and there’s no greater turnoff than desperate lesbians looking for anyone. If anything I would only tell certain people at certain times and let the universe guide me to my ideal person.
Right now I’m content exploring my sexuality through thought than through too much hasty action.
If you still need to talk, I could listen.
How do you know for sure that your gay. I’ve always dated and had sex with men. The other day I was sitting with a lesbian couple and I felt so jealous, I wanted what they had. It really got
Me wondering whether I’m gay, but I’m afraid because I’ve never had sex with a woman and what if I’m not. Women don’t like confused women and I don’t want to mess anyone about… What’s it like to find out your gay later in life? Is it like this? Men are so alien to me, the way they talk to me, the way they try and connect with me… There is just nothing there. Is there A chance I could be gay and how do I go about finding out without being an annoying confused straight woman? What confuses me the most is that I have always been pro gay and never afraid of the repercussions of defending myself against haters if I were gay, so wouldn’t I already know By now if I was? a blog about the experience of realising your gay at a later point in life would be much appreciated. Thanks.
I would say that your sexual orientation does not affect how you dress. When I first came out as a lesbian I tried dressing tomboyish and pretending that I did not like beautiful girly things and the colour pink.I had to come to terms with the fact that I was never going to fit the lesbian stereotype. My style of dress has become considerably more feminine and girly and cutesy. That’s how I feel pretty and it’s how I feel confident and I am super into women. So I would say no, it’s not your sexual orientation that influences how you dress, it’s how rigid the gender roles around you are and how much you are allowed to experiment with your appearance while you are growing up.
I am pretty usre that I have you all beat…I found out when I was 40! Looking back I suppose it has always been there, I liked looking at girls, they are beautiful I thought to myself….but just figured I (lie someone else who mentioned it) was looking in an artistic way. The clincher for me was the absolutely amazing and beautiful woman who I worked with (younger than me too!) who came up to me one day and asked…”are you married?” That was it, we are engaged now and VERY HAPPY. I had NO idea that my life could turn out so absolutely amazing, that, after being married 2x and having 2 kids, I could find my twin flame in a younger woman. THANK YOU SWEETS!!!!
I think when you discover you’re a lesbian when you’re a teenager, you really want to somehow be able to express who you are in the way that you dress. And I think that can happen by choosing more masculine clothing just so that you can indicate your sexuality and feel more powerful in it because you are expressing it. I think the same thing can happen when you are older too though, and I think that fashion can change for anyone. Someone who likes to wear more masculine clothes could decide at some point that they want to try more feminine clothes. I think it’s just whatever people feel most comfortable wearing. It’s funny how easy it is to not realize something about yourself. I’m still a little confused as to how it took me so long to figure out that I like girls, when I generally consider myself an intelligent person. I think that sexuality can be something that people struggle to understand about themselves.
I’m 24, married, two small children. Ive always been more interested in women since i was a child, my first sexual experience with one I was 10. and I continued to have crushes and experiences 12, 13,14, 15, 21, 22, 23..that i can recall,. I was into guys too but never like i was with girls and when i got married my husband knew i liked women. I never identified as bisexual or straight or lesbian, but I did tell my husband that after all my tragic relationships with men if this one didnt work, I wouldnt be with another man. well, our relationship has been a battle since it began unfortunately and i love him because he was always my best friend and i always wanted to be there for him but ive felt our relationship has been beyond over for a long time. Recently Ive been noticing things, interests and such have been changing about me, within me and I have admitted to myself that I know im gay. Ive only told one very good friend about this and she said “Finally! youre realizing it!” But i dont know how to tell him or anyone else or even if i can :/
I am so glad to read all of these comments. I do not feel so isolated and alone. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 months now, after a major meltdown and have just realised that I am Gay, no messing around but this is me and I am 43! All week its like my whole life so far has ‘clicked into place’ and it all makes sense! Why couldn’t I see it?well because I had a curiousity experience when I was 7, with an older female cousin, and it felt Amazing! Yet, this cousin humiliated me by beating me up in front of her friends. I was scared of her and learned then that, people you trust can humiliate you. I buried these feelings deep inside and never let them out, Ever! For me this pattern sadly has continued throught my life, having been in and out long term relationships with men, and attempting one night stands, that never went all the way, always believing that there is something wrong with me, what a wee soul:-( I have had female friends, one i did experiment with, when drunk, but i did not fancy her and felt so ashamed that I ended the friendship for fear of anyone finding out. With another female friend, we kissed on a drug infuelled haze, it was amaing, that afterwards I completely ‘shut down’ as my boyfriend at the time reacted fearful of me. My little experience has not been good. It makes sense that, as long as I can remember I have been devasted and hurt by female friends, that I eventually stopped connecting on any level. My attraction then only came out when I was intoxicated, and I would mess up and try and kiss straight girls, not good! My defenses have been strong and defiant and I have been terribly lonely for years. I have had friends where I thought that we connected because myself and them were family orientated..( if only I knew) These past few years I have been slowly and gradually been going off men, not interested in committing, and not in sexual intimacy either, it bores me, they bore me and I have never has a full blown orgasm with a man. I am sad to have not realised before and recognise that i have been very naive in relationships. I am the reason I could not settle down with a man,and them too, as I would let them humiliate me, as I so desperately needed them to hide behind, i now realise. It all shocks me to the core. On a positive note since Iv’e spoken the words, i feel clamer, free and my depression and anxiety has subsided…I no longer hate myself but love myself, and feel like i want to scream it all out to the world, in a good way this time not as was the usual in frustration and fear and anger! My issue now is, how can i explain this to my family, we are close but will they be able to get their head round the fact that, I am suddenly gay????