The Sign Read: Helpless femme, please rescue me.
I was at Home Depot the other day to buy some knee pads. Yes, knee pads. But before your dirty minds go where they’re most comfortable, there’s a perfectly good reason that a lesbian would need knee pads while her girlfriend’s away.
I’m laying down flooring in my house. I know, I know … how very butch of me. I can’t help but giggle when I think about it, but it’s true: I’m sort of handy. Not in a very butch way, but more in a “Look up how-to-videos on youtube and then feel over-confident about my abilities” kind of way.
So I haven’t actually started laying the floors yet. But I do have the outfit. I have the knee pads, the sexy torn jeans with paint splatter from when I painted my own house, the very sexy eye protection and by very sexy I mean dorky. And finally my hair up in a ponytail, under a well worn baseball cap. Hopefully I don’t look like I’m trying to hard, because I might actually be.
I might not look like I’m trying to hard, but I obviously don’t look like I know what I’m doing either. I was browsing the aisles of Home Depot when I realized I was being followed, and not so subtly might I add. A few feet behind me on every aisle was the same butch woman suspiciously eyeing me. Finally when I was looking at the knee pads she came up to me and asked, “What exactly does a girl like you need knee pads for?”
To which I involuntarily giggled because I have a dirty mind and she smirked, because she did too.
I proceeded to explain that I was in a mad dash to rip up my old carpet and lay the floors before my girlfriend got out of the Marines and moved in with me. At the mention of my girlfriend, her eyebrows shot up, “You’re girlfriend? Oh …. well … um … You know I’ve laid plenty of wood … I can help you out no problem. I’m right down the street from here, it would be my pleasure.”
I couldn’t help but think to myself how Remi would react if I did indeed took home a strange woman to help me get the house ready for her. While my intentions would be totally pure, my would be Knight in a shining tool belt might not be as innocent.
I thanked her for her generous offer but had to turn her down. She shrugged and handed me her business card, just in case I change my mind. Uh huh …
When I got home I looked in the mirror but couldn’t see it …. I kept looking but still couldn’t find the sign that read: Helpless femme, please rescue me.
Uh. Maybe it’s written in invisible ink and only people with hero complexes can see it. Not saying that Remi has a hero complex, or that any of the other women that offer to come to my aid do, but I swear, I’m starting to get one. What the hell is it about me that makes other women think I need so much damn help?!
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Hey doll face, why didn’t you tell me you needed saving. You know I’ve always tried to be the one to catch you when you fell. Call me, I’ll come over and help you out.
Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself. I don’t know you in person, But I’ve seen your myspace page and your picures. You do look pretty high maintance. not that that’s a bad thing. but girls like you don’t usually know how to do stuff around the house or car. You don’t have to, there’s always someone else to do it for you.
This is the “butch” frm home depot. I remembered what you said your blog was so I googled you and there you were. Imagine that. I wasn’t expecting to see a blog about me though, lol. It’s all good. Thought I might help you out though and tell you that yes I did see the sign that read “helpless femme” you just didn’t see it when you looked in the mirror because it’s on the back of your jeans. Sorry sweetie, gotta be honest. Your ass had be following you through the store like a perv.
My offers still good though, you got my card.
LMAO!!!! Hahahaha Sasha, your ass does speak to me I just never noticed a sign on it!!! LOLOLOL 🙂
I didn’t know that’s where you femme’s put your signs, but I’ll sure be looking for it now 😉
Dear Sasha,
I am happy for you an’ all…..I do miss the wild abandon with which you USED to live….I myself would have taken Alex up on her offer.
Dear Alex,
If you’re ever on the east coast, I’m a femme home owner and I definitely wouldn’t have turned down any “butch” wood laying offers.
Hi. Came across your site on TLL. Will be dropping in more often.
LOL this post made my day! People tell me I have that femme thing going on too. I don’t see it. Ironically I am pretty good with home repairs etc and don’t often NEED the help. Were a cute butch to come up behind me and offer ME help I might have winked and smiled and strapped the knee pads on her.
I like High Maintenance! My girlfriend even gets me to change the light bulbs in her house- now THAT is high maintenance!
BB
X
My daughter a girly girl in her 30 just divorced and hooked up with a hard core butch….what is this hard femm role? Her partner is very controling..which I don’t understand since my daughter just left a very controling husband! I don’t understand that! Would like to try, her partner is up to something…trying to act like this is her first rodeo come on! Her partner has been gay for 35 years my daughter just came out 7 months ago and this is her first gay partner…I want my daughter to be happy so if anyone wants to hook up with a very pretty girl with a good sense of humor who loves to travel and enjoy life let me know…because this control freak she has now needs to go! Any information would be helpful, Thanks I believe that it dosen’t matter who we are with as long as we are HAPPY and I know my daughter is not….she dosen’t even laugh anymore and to me that is SO SAD!
Rhani, I hope things have worked out for the better with your daughter. =/